Though the Mountains Be Shaken
By Samantha V.
Summary: Intended to be a pre-tag for season 5 My Bloody Valentine to give a better idea as to why Famine said that Dean was dead inside, but have been told it could fit in season four. Rated T for language.
Disclaimer: I am not now, nor have ever been, Eric Kripke, so yeah, not mine.
Super Awesome Beta: Lost in A Forest – can't thank you enough for your help!
Told from Dean's POV; just a moment in time inside his head. Sam's there, but just in the background. Hope you enjoy!
S~~P~~N
The soft hiss of the shower reached him from where he sat on the bed contemplating his boots. He wanted to pick them up, he really did, but even thinking about the amount of effort that would require exhausted him. So he sat.
He hadn't really noticed it at first. With everything that had been going on, what with minor details like the fucking apocalypse and all, he'd just pushed it aside to pay attention to it later – maybe. But it hadn't gone away, hadn't conveniently stopped, but had slid bit by bit deeper into his consciousness until he couldn't separate it from himself any more. This deep black pit of nothingness that he scratched and clawed at but just couldn't pull himself out of anymore.
His boots mocked him as they sat still, oh so casually resting close to his feet.
Sighing, he roughly ran his hand through his hair and down his face if for no other reason than to tell by touch that he was still there. Hadn't been swallowed by the darkness yet, not completely anyway.
It's funny but he thought that Sam would have noticed, he used to see things in his brother before he even caught onto them himself. But then he guessed he really shouldn't be surprised these days.
Sam.
What the hell happened there? Okay, never mind, he knew what the Hell happened there. Stupidly, he thought it would work, they would be okay, Sam would be okay, and then the idiot goes and dies, and then the crossroads demon, and then Ruby... god damn, fucking Ruby. God damn his asshole self, he left Sam... left Sam all alone, with nothing but a car and a lying, cheating, whore of a demon for company.
The dark undying worm of hate twitched in his gut before settling back in its hollow.
It was his fault, he'd pushed his little brother away and didn't see what was happening when it was right in front of his friggin' face. The lies, the skulking, the phone calls that he wasn't supposed to notice. He wasn't a freaking idiot, Sam should have known that he could easily check his phone to see who he was calling and when. And there it was. Yeah, he knew that Sam knew that he knew... well crap, he was giving himself a headache.
Maybe, underneath it all, Sam had been asking for his help, trusting that he would care enough to dig deeper to have the strength to stop him – but he didn't. He'd tried, but not hard enough, not good enough, not strong enough – Sam had been right.
He swore to his little brother, hell he swore to his father, he would save Sammy if it was the last thing he ever did, and when Sam needed to be saved, he was too ignorant, too careless, too worthless to even try. Like it wasn't his problem anymore, he'd saved Sam, done his bit, only he hadn't, not by a long shot. He'd saved Sam from everyone, everything, but himself.
Dimly he registered that the soft sounds of the shower had stopped and there was a vague rustle of clothing behind the door.
Mentally slapping himself, he stretched a leaden hand downwards and grudgingly stomped his boots on, fingers automatically tying and tightening; all actions controlled as by an unknown master.
He remembered a time when he had taught Sam to tie his shoes. The way that Sam had looked at him, the trust and love that had shone in his eyes - but that was gone now. He saw worry, sure, and he supposed that on some level Sam still loved him but he was pretty confident that if it wasn't for this angel/demon thing he would have been long gone. Hell he should have been long gone, being what he wanted to be, not what he had to be. Maybe that was why Sam chose Ruby over him, it was his chance to break free, be his own man, be all that he could be.
A harsh chuckle escaped his lips, startling him.
Whatever. Even with his own guilt, he could still feel the sharp, jagged leftovers of Sam's betrayal. Yeah, he'd been hopped up on the demon blood but he had a choice... whether he'd been manipulated by that bitch or not, he had a choice... and, despite it all, it hadn't been him.
Fuck knows he'd deserved it; he'd made so many mistakes. But out of everything, that was the one thing he could never truly forgive Sam for, because he had always chosen Sam, over everything, at any time, over every living thing on this planet, Dean had always chosen Sam.
Sometimes... sometimes he wondered what would happen if... after... He shuddered at the thought of going to hell again, but at least it would be over. If he could just make sure that Sam was all right first, it would be okay though; he did it once he could do it again, and he smiled a little at that.
Forcing his head up he reached out to grab his jacket and dragged it towards him. Fingers digging deeply in the soft, worn leather he allowed himself to drift briefly in memories of bad coffee, bad food, exhaustion, pain, laughter and knowing, without a doubt, that there was first two, then one, person in the world who was with him and had his back no matter what.
A rattle of the handle preceded the waft of moist, humid air from the bathroom as the door opened.
"You ready?"
A smirk and a cocky smile, "Always, Sammy, always."
With an ease, that somewhere in his stuttering soul terrified him, he locked on his well-worn mask and started going through the motions expected of him. He smiled and joked his way through the numbness, wondering where the hell this person he was pretending to be came from, wondering when, finally, it would all end...
The end.
Dark, I know, but I wanted to get into Dean's head to and it was not a pretty place (outside is another matter ).
Please review if you like, or even if you don't. Always appreciated as am constantly trying to improve and can't if don't know whether it's any good or not.
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