Title: Vigilum Cattus: The 'here kitty kitty' remix
Genre: humor
Characters: Steve, Danny
Rating: T
Summary: Steve acquires a pet, Danny is none too pleased
Warnings: none
Disclaimer. I don't own the H50 characters, I'm only borrowing them, no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: Written for Arichive of our own, Remix Redux 10: X Marks the spot. A remix of 'Ninjas don't nap' by Celli
(my first Hawaii Five-0 fic)
"No part of this makes sense," Danny said. "You should be out running up a mountain with a floppy-eared dog right as we speak." He could see it in his mind's eye, Steve in his shorts and top, those long legs pounding away as he took lengthy strides up a slope. There'd be that expression of fixed determination on his face, the one he got whenever he was in the middle of a task that demanded his entire focus. Beads of sweat would be appearing on his face, just begging to be licked off. And behind him, following eagerly by his heels would be a dog. And not just any dog, no pampered poodles for McGarrett, that was for sure, thought Danny, suddenly aware that he was spending way too much time visualizing this scenario. No, Steve would have a real dog, a German Shepherd, or an Akita, or maybe one of those big dogs that could pass for small horses in a bad light, Irish Wolfhounds or the like. But this...this was just wrong.
Steve blinked up at him from the couch. A pair of sleepy yellow eyes blinked up at Danny from Steve's chest, then the cat yawned and put its head down on Steve's collarbone, flicking its tail over its face. Steve rubbed its head absently.
"I went for a run and a swim this morning," Steve said. He stretched out even farther on the couch. Danny stared at his bare toes, fascinated. "It's my day off, I don't get to nap?"
"Ninjas don't nap. And they don't nap with cats."
"You're the one who dared me to get Batman out of that tree."
"Okay, let's be clear about this," said Danny. "One. I did not 'dare' you to get Batman out of the tree. In point of fact, I specifically told you not to do it…"
And boy, Danny had regretted it the moment the words had left his mouth that day.
They'd been following a tipoff on the whereabouts of a potential suspect, only to find that he'd left with no forwarding address months earlier. Danny had been grumbling about a wasted journey and how they were going to get stuck in traffic on the way back and how next time Steve had a 'tip' from that same source, he could check it out himself. Halfway back to the car he'd noticed that he was talking to himself. Looking back, he could see that Steve had stopped a few meters back and was now staring up into one of the trees that lined the path.
"What is it now?"
"Shh, don't you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Sounds like a cat," said Steve, "Up there in the tree."
"So?" said Danny. "That's what cats do, don't they? Go up trees and come down again when they're ready. Come on, if we leave now we might avoid the rush hour traffic."
"It doesn't sound like it can get down." Steve looked up. "There, it's way up at the top, we can't leave it here." He pulled out his phone, "Maybe animal rescue can send somebody."
"Animal rescue? You cannot seriously be thinking of calling them in to get a *cat* out of a tree," said Danny. "For starters, they'll probably just laugh in your face, and even if they *do* send somebody round, it'll probably take them an hour or more to get here. I don't know about you, but I have plans for this evening that do not include watching a cat being rescued from a tree."
"You got any better ideas?"
Danny had a whole bunch of better ideas, starting with letting nature take its course and leaving the cat to do what cats do. Nowhere in his list of ideas had he included letting Steve climb the tree in search of the cat.
"Didn't think so," said Steve. He unholstered his gun and handed it to Danny who took it automatically.
"Oh no, you are not seriously going to climb that tree. Stephen, come back here. I'm telling you now, get out of that tree." Danny threw his hands in the air. "Why do I even bother? Okay, I'm going back to the car," he shouted at Steve who had swung himself with ease onto a low hanging branch and was now working his way expertly towards the trapped animal. "Don't come running to me when you fall out of the tree and break your leg."
But Danny hadn't moved from the spot, unable to bring himself to look away as Steve had climbed higher and higher. He'd watched as Steve had settled himself close to the cat and gently coaxed it to come to him. And he'd watched, his heart in his mouth, as Steve had carefully descended the tree, the cat draped around his neck like a furry lei.
"One. I did not 'dare' you to get Batman out of the tree. In point of fact, I specifically told you not to do it…and two; Batman is the stupidest name for a cat that I've ever heard."
Steve stopped his petting of the cat. "Are you calling my cat stupid?"
"Perish the thought," said Danny, "And no, in spite of the fact that he managed to get himself stuck up a tree, and then fell off the couch yesterday when he was trying to get you to pet him, no, I'm not calling *him* stupid."
Batman, not wanting the petting to stop, twisted around and butted his head against Steve's hand. "Oh, so it's me that you're calling stupid?" Steve picked up Batman and looked him in the eye. "What do you think, Batman? Think I was stupid for rescuing you from the tree yesterday?" He put the cat back down, only for Batman to start kneading him on the chest before turning around and swiping him in the face with his tail.
Danny laughed. He laughed even more as Batman dug in his claws making Steve jump involuntarily and bite back a yelp of pain.
With an indignant meow, Batman jumped off the couch and stalked away in a huff as only a cat can do.
"So what's your problem anyway?" asked Steve, turning on his side and looking at Danny. "Did *you* want to go for a run up a mountain?"
"What on earth would make you think that? Have I ever expressed a desire to go running up mountains?" Danny folded his arms.
"So why did you come by then?" said Steve, as he stood and brushed cat hair off his chest. "If it was a case, you'd have said so, instead of insulting me." He saw the perplexed look on Danny's face and added, "Insult my team, you're insulting me."
"Oh for the love of…fine," said Danny. "We don't have a case, I just…" Danny looked at Steve, standing illuminated in the Hawaiian afternoon sunlight, and tried to think of something that wasn't I looked around one day and you'd accidentally become the second most important person in my life or I came over to make sure you weren't spending more time with your stupid cat than with me or I woke up from this dream this morning…where you fell out of that damned tree from yesterday and broke your neck right in front of me and I woke up in a cold sweat calling your name.
"I just wanted to check in," he said finally. "You have this nasty habit of picking up emergencies or property crimes or secret assassination attempts what have you. I like to make sure the people I care about are still breathing regularly."
"I'm fine," said Steve, looking Danny in the eye. "We're fine."
"I wasn't asking about Batman," said Danny.
"I wasn't talking about him," said Steve. He moved a step closer, and the next thing Danny knew, Steve's hand was on the back of his neck, pulling him close. Danny was about to take a step back, because it was one thing to have dreams of this exact situation, it was another to have those dreams play out in reality. But there was a meowing sound from somewhere round his ankles, and when he tried to take that step, somehow Batman was tangled in his feet and Danny found himself stumbling forward right onto Steve's waiting lips. Danny's arms went around Steve automatically. To keep his balance, a part of his mind said, the other part wisely shut up and just enjoyed the moment.
"I think maybe he wants us to get a room," said Steve, when he finally pulled away slightly flushed and breathless.
"Probably just doesn't want to share the couch," said Danny, as he let Steve lead him towards the stairs. "I've always liked that cat," he added with feeling.
Of course an hour later, when Danny was lying in Steve's post coital embrace and Batman took that opportunity to jump on his back and start kneading with his claws, well, that was another story.
The end