The Only Exception
By: TiredOfBeingNice
...
It was never a good life for Benny Weir.
He had a homophobic/abusive/fucking crazy dad, a dead mother, and an older, goody-two shoes, religious sister - who his dad was more impressed with - who also happened to be homophobic as well. He had cuts on his wrists, and purple rings under his eyes. He had everything he could never want in his life, yet, somehow, God decided to be lazy creating a human and created Benny.
Benny was the average version of a loser because he liked things. Nowadays, it was all about hate or love. And everybody loved to hate Benny Weir. He had so many features that would make him this way, anyway; he was tall and skinny, pale, with messy hair and eyes of green that no one admired. He was geeky and was smart, which, obviously, everyone was jealous of, because they always knocked textbooks out of his hands if he didn't do their homework.
Benny's family was also religious. His sister, especially - she wanted to devote her life to God. Maybe she gave up trying to find a guy for her - was always reminding him that he was fucking useless, but could still be forgiven.
Benny didn't believe in God; if He did exist, He would fix Benny and hear his pleas when his father whipped him at midnight.
No one knew the real Benny, anyway. Correction; no one bothered to get to know the real Benny. Everybody had their things, and Benny, over the long years, had managed to convince himself that no one had time to get to know the real Benny.
Benny himself didn't want to know who he really was, because he painted that image himself; he was the ghost of a boy people used to know.
You'd think Benny is a loser.
And you'd be right.
...
Life couldn't be going better or worse for Ethan Morgan.
He had two loving parents, an annoying - but cool - younger sister, money - loads of money - two awesome friends, a loving girlfriend, along with a community of people who respected him. He had everything he could ever want, yet, somehow, he wasn't happy where he was.
Maybe it was because he was a selfish brat. Maybe it was a sign that nobody actually liked him, and that people only liked him for his money. Maybe it was a sign that he was just that rich bratty kid that was supposed to go to a private school, but got stuck at WC High.
He wasn't going to complain though; he had a great life, and he had no bullies trailing behind him. He was smart, he was handsome, and he was a wonderful man. His parents complimented him at every chance they got - which was worse than it sounds, considering that Ethan's parents were never around - and his sister was his trusty companion.
No one knew the real Ethan, anyway. Correction; no one bothered to get to know the real Ethan. Because nobody cared, really; Ethan was usually used to people asking them for favors - "Another Mac, Steve? Dammit, you need to take care of the loot bags at my parties." Ethan mutters, handing the cashier wads of money, and handing the Mac to Steve. "I expect that money back." - and he complied. His parents didn't care much - they got money almost every second.
You'd think Ethan is lucky.
And you'd be right.
"Love is a beautiful thing; with the right person, it finally becomes meaningful." ~Toni Payne
...
Benny fiddles with the cigarette in his hands, smoking it and extinguishing the flame by digging the butt of the cigarette in his palms. He winces at the burn, but his pains softens when he looks at all the other burn marks on his palm. They were like beads of black holes, engulfing his hands.
While Benny is looking at his burns, he sees a glimpse of his bruises and his scars. He looks down in some sort of pity - "You'll never rid yourself from your demons until you jump, boy." the demons hiss at him - and he pulls his sleeve down even farther.
He looks up at the stars that were above his balcony. They glittered, and his mind wanders off - like it usually does - to the things that his mother used to tell him when he was a child.
"The stars, Benjamin," she'd whisper, rocking him as she wiped his tears. "are the links between our world and heaven. Each star is an angel, watching over you, and reminding you that there is an end to the dark sky, and there is color. You just have to look closely."
But the only thing he could see in the sky was darkness, which means he was drifting away.
He clenches his fist, squishing the cigarette with it. He looks at it with a star-struck wonder, and threw it over the balcony edge - he didn't give a fuck anymore.
"You are the plague of this society," the demons scream, "and you do us a big favor and litter the world like it's your own garbage can. Selfish."
Benny's hands are at both sides of his head; "Shut up," he hisses.
"We won't shut up unless you die." the demons cackle. "and see your soul burn in the purgatory."
"Benjamin?" His sister, Beatrice Weir - Benny called her Bea, but she hated it, insisting that he call her by her full name - calls from inside. "Are you on the balcony again?"
"Why do you give a fuck?" he retorts, swinging his legs back so they aren't hanging off the ledge of the balcony.
"Benjamin," His sister throws him the rosary when he closes the balcony door. "you better wash your mouth with soap. What does the Bible say about swearing?"
Benny frowns. "The Bible says 'Do not let -"
Beatrice doesn't let him finish. "- any unwholesome words come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen'."
"Ephesians, chapter four -"
" - verse twenty nine." Bea clicked her tongue, snatching the rosary out of Benny's burnt hands. "You need to get better. Father wouldn't approve if you don't know what the word of God is."
"Father," - Benny hisses the words with venom - "doesn't care about me. And I don't either."
Bea gasps. "Benjamin! Honor thy father and thy mother -"
"We don't have a mother anymore, Bea."
Beatrice is silent before saying, "You better pray hard tonight, brother."
Benny storms to his room, and falls on his bed; he doesn't care if his father scolds him.
He dreams of his past that night.
"What's happening?" Benny, who is six years old, asks, nudging her sister, who is wearing a white, floral dress.
"Shh," Beatrice, now ten years old, says. "Father Davis is going to say his homily."
Benny squirmed in his seat, and watched as Father Davis walked up to the podium, looking down at his paper before speaking his words of the gospel, and of God, as Beatrice had told him a long time ago. His eyes flickered to his father's, but his father just gruffly looked at him, and Benny turned around quickly. His father shrugged, taking a shot from a flask he kept in his jacket.
"Leviticus 20:13 says that 'If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.'. And Romans 1:27 states this: 'And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.'"
Benny listened carefully, remembering what his teacher had said about men who liked men, and women who liked women. She had said it was okay, but apparently, the gospel said otherwise.
Benny was astonished, and he could see that the boy three rows ahead of him - he had shaggy brown hair and a black tuxedo; he might talk to him after church - felt just as jittery.
"This," The priest's voice boomed, "is why we don't have to unravel the word of God, or try to understand what God asks of us, because it is written right here. Homosexuals burn in hell, and aren't allowed to roam our earth!"
The crowds cheered and clapped loudly, as if in a trance. Beatrice clapped as well, smoothing her dress. Benny's father looked at Benny as he clapped as well.
Benny didn't clap, and neither did the shaggy haired boy.
Ethan combs his hair, and dash down the stairs, grabbing an apple on the way out.
He pauses at the door, and decides to shout,"I'm leaving for school!"
Ethan waits for someone to say something - maybe 'I love you' like normal parents - but all he hears was, "Okay! Have a good day at school, honey." from all the way in their office. Ethan sighs, picking up his bag and heading towards the limo waiting for him outside.
The windows rolled down, and Ethan saw his limo driver. "Mr. Morgan? Would you like a ride?"
Ethan shakes his head. "No thanks, Daniel. I'll walk. It's only ten minutes away."
"Are you sure, Mr. Morgan?" - Daniel brushes his fringe out of his brown eyes. - "Your parents would be awfully worried if you -"
"I'll walk." Ethan says promptly. "But thank you."
Daniel could hear the intensity in his voice, and leaves him be, rolling the windows up and driving away. Ethan looks at the limo in the distance, and shakes his head as he begins walking towards WC High.
On the way, he runs into Erica and Rory, who talks to him animatedly about TV shows and food - a typical conversation, so Ethan wasn't too bored of it. At school, he is met with happy faces, and people who were probably trying to be nice so they could get in Ethan's pool.
Rory and Erica leave, and Ethan twists his combination in his locker. A boy walks up beside him, dressed in a black, striped polo shirt, and dark skinny jeans. His sleeves went up to his wrist, but he still looked cold. His eyes were a sterling green. Ethan was pretty sure that he had seen him before, but he never noticed that he was right beside his locker.
A few jocks go up to the boy and grab him by the hoodie, pounding his head into the locker. The tall boy winces when his head was pressed against the metal, but he looked as if he were untouched. Ethan watches as the boy looked at him for a brief second, and made his way to class.
"Hey," Ethan mutters lowly to the jocks. "not cool."
"And what does it mean to you, rich boy?" One of them says.
Ethan frowns; it meant nothing, really.
He guesses that he was so lost in the thought - what a cruel thought, he thinks - that he didn't even notices that the assholes had left, and was replaced with the familiar brown eyes that he knew very well.
"Morning, hun." Ethan murmurs, kissing her cheek.
Sarah giggles. "Hi, babe."
"How you've been? I haven't seen you for a while." Sarah wiggles her eyebrows. "Have you been ignoring me?"
Her giggles, interspersed with snorts, were foreign in Ethan's ears. He used to love her laughs, but now they sounded force and strained - as if she was laughing for his entertainment, and not her own.
And Ethan knew the truth; he was ignoring her. He didn't want her to be hurt by what he thought - and oh, those thoughts were beyond bad - so he had been avoiding her for a while now. The only thing Ethan had forgotten was that she, being the smart girl she was, would probably suspect something.
"Ignore?" Ethan's voice went high. "I-I would never!"
His face was flushed red, and he scratches the back of his neck. Sarah tilts her head to the side, but ignores it as she leans against the locker.
"So," Sarah smiles. "am I meeting you at your place?"
Ethan was about to reply with 'yes', but decides to change things up.
"How about your house?" Ethan smirks. "I always host. I think it would be awesome to see your house."
Sarah's face falls. "Oh. Are you sure? My house is pretty crap. I mean, it's not even a house. It's an apartment."
She pauses. "And maybe we can sit around in your indoor pool? I'll bring my tightest swim suits."
She winks, which Ethan almost finds ironic. He is determined, however, to get his way on this one.
'Perhaps some reverse psychology?' he thinks.
"Well, you are alone. And I don't think my parents would mind a...sleepover."
Sarah raises an eyebrow, but smiles anyway. "Alright then, Mr. Morgan. I look forward to it."
Ethan smiles in victory, and they head to class, hand in hand.
Beatrice is at a prayer service in church. His dad was at a bar - Benny was so excited about the aftermath of that - so Benny was alone on the balcony again.
'Perfect timing,' the demons continue to tell him. 'you're all alone, so do it. Do it.'
"Shut up," Benny hisses to himself, glad that no one was there to hear him. Beatrice would tell him to go to confession to clear himself of his demons. His dad would probably hit him; loneliness had its advantages.
Benny swings his legs over the balcony, and sits down on the edge. One push could end it all, and Benny felt nauseous at the speeding cars below him.
'No one will know,' the demons growl. 'or at least, no one will care.'
He closes his eyes; is this it? Will he do it?
"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone"
Benny's eyes shoot open, and he looks that he is nearly off the edge of the balcony. Panicked, he pulls himself back up to safety, listening to the mysterious voice singing.
"I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone"
The singing was marvelous, and even if it was barely a whisper in the wind, Benny was thankful; it had saved him from the demons.
The singing bluntly stops, because Benny could hear someone - a female voice, that's for sure - say something to him.
"Alright, honey!" The voice was perky and feminine. "I set up my bed; you ready?"
Benny dashes off the balcony; he doesn't want to hear the rest of that.
Dear Voice,
That was the day you saved me. That was the day that you started to sing Green Day softly, and that was when the stars finally aligned.
I don't know what I would've done without it; you saved me from the demons that were haunting my thoughts. You saved me with the power of music, and urged me to get over my problems and actually try.
I don't know if I will ever meet you. I want to, but, at the same time, I don't.
Ethan walks down the streets, humming a tune under his breath. He carefully sips his drink, admiring the scenery like a fucking poet.
He turns a corner before he crashes into a person, spilling his fresh drink all over the guy's shirt. The guy hisses, pulling back. Ethan notices that he had ruined his shirt, and Ethan's eyes widen significantly.
"Oh shit," Ethan desperately tries to wipe it off. "I'm so sorry."
"S'fine." The stranger mumbles, picking up the coffee cup and hands it to Ethan. "I should've watched where I was going. I'll pay for a replacement."
When their eyes meet, Ethan notices the sterling green eyes he had seen the day before.
"You." Ethan mutters. The boy looks at him weirdly, and Ethan wants to correct himself, but covers up with, "It's fine. I wrecked your shirt - I'll pay for both of ours."
"You shouldn't spend money so frivolously," The boy murmured. "especially when you have so much of it."
The words echo in Ethan's ears, and he almost wants to slap him. But he ignores the hateful sensation and nods solemnly. "Well, I do earn a discount, so I guess I can spare you a coffee or something."
"That'd be nice. Thank you."
They walk back to Starbucks in silence, and Ethan orders his favorite drink; a grande caramel macchiato.
"You like sweet things, huh." The boy mutters. He then looks at the barista, and fakes a smile. "I'll take a grande caramel macchiato as well."
The barista took their orders, and while waiting, Ethan grins.
"You know, when you ordered, you didn't have to get the same thing as I did."
"No offence," The guy picks up their drinks and hands it to Ethan. "but I got a caramel macchiato because I love caramel macchiatos."
"And Muse, apparently." The guy raises his eyebrows before he looks down to see that his coffee-stained shirt had the Origins of Symmetry shirt. He blushes, and looks down at his drink, stirring furiously.
"Yeah, I love Muse. New Born was my favorite on that album."
"Same." Ethan grins, raising his hand up, careful not to be a klutz. "I'm Ethan. Ethan Morgan."
"I know." Ethan raises an eyebrow, and the guy blushes. "You are kind of known as the 'rich kid that decided to go to crappy WC High for love'." He notices that Ethan paled significantly, so he adds, "Plus, I think you're in my chemistry class."
Ethan blushes, but avoids the topic. "How about your name?"
"Um, my name..." The boy looks down at his long sleeves, and Ethan sits back.
"You can tell me," Ethan grins. "it's not like I'll stalk you."
"No, it's not that." The boy bites his lip nervously. "It's just...knowing my name won't do you so well."
"I'm not like them." he blurts out, and he feels stupid for saying it. The guy sighs.
"Benny." he pauses. "Just Benny."
"Alright 'Just Benny' -"
"That is the oldest thing in the world."
"Shut it, I'm learning."
They share a laugh, and Ethan's phone buzzes. He looks down, and frowns slightly.
"Who is it?" Benny blushes. "Not to be nosy or anything."
"It's my girlfriend, Sarah." He answers the phone. "Hello?"
"Ethie!" Benny could hear the voice from the speakers, and his eyes widen; that was the same voice that he had heard yesterday when he was on the balcony. The same girl that had talked to the voice that saved his life.
"Hey, Sare." Ethan says flatly. Benny notices that Ethan didn't even sound excited. He decides not to push.
"Had a great night last night!" Ethan takes account on how loud she is, and blushes when Benny smirks, sipping his drink. "Though you will have to go back to my apartment tonight to clean up the mess that we made last night."
Benny had to laugh, but Ethan's incredulous look - that could've just said "are you twelve?" - made him stifle it into a cough.
"Y-Yeah, sure, Sarah. I'll come over tonight again."
'Of course he doesn't live there.' Benny thought wistfully. 'It's his girlfriend's apartment. She must be the apartment next to mine, and Ethan must've been singing on the balcony that is probably near mine.'
Benny doesn't even notice when the call ends.
"I'm sorry," Ethan snaps him out of his thoughts. "but I have to go. Gotta spend the Saturday with the girlfriend, if you know what I mean."
He takes out a pen and scribbles on a tissue. "Here's my number. Call me sometime; I'd love to find out what else I have in common with you."
Benny nods silently. "Have a great night."
Ethan smiles, and he leaves with his drink, leaving Benny to smile dumbly at the number.
'Pity.' the demons decide to bounce back, multiple voices this time. 'He gave it to you out of pity. Throw it away.'
Once Benny leaves, he looks at the number again, before crumpling it into his jacket and walking home.
Dear Voice,
I met you today - on a Saturday; the day is even more better now - and I think that was secretly the best day of my life. You were so kind, but you have a girlfriend. Boo.
You did, however, give me your number, and you didn't notice my scars or the bags under my eyes. You also didn't care if I was that unpopular kid at school, because I know you knew that I was the kid whose head was banged in the lockers.
But thank you for the number - I hope you remember it :)
"Where have you been, boy?"
Benny winces at his father's words - he had never once dared to call Benny his 'son' - as he walks through the door to their apartment. He dares to look his father in the eye, and he regrets it as soon as he does it; his father pins him against the wall.
"What?" he grits out, "You have trouble speaking now, boy?"
"I've been out, dad." Benny manages to get out. "I'm sixteen; I'm allowed to do that."
"You're still a kid," his father slaps him, and Benny smells his breath; he's drunk.
"Get some fucking sleep." Benny pushes his dad off, letting him stumble backwards. Before he could say anything else, Benny grabs him by the arm and lets the drunk man walk to his room in a weary trance.
When he is passed out on his bed, Benny closes his dad's door and heads to the balcony, cigarette in hand. Ethan is definitely up on his girlfriend's - what was her name again? Sandra? Susan? Sarah? - balcony again, so maybe he would hear him sing again.
'He will never call you, you know.' The demons return; Benny had never thought he'd hear them again. 'You're a pathetic mess, and he knows that.'
Instead of waving them off, he smokes his cigar, and listens to the wind howl. He looks up, and the demons aren't the only ones that had returned; the stars were sparkling like Christmas lights, and the demons were as loud as the wind itself.
He hears a nearby balcony window open, and this time, he looks left to see the silhouette of a boy on the neighboring balcony; Ethan.
Benny watches as Ethan sits on a chair near a table on the balcony - it was simple, which could possibly mean that Ethan does not live with Sarah, which makes him feel perverted that he even knows this.
And Ethan begins to sing softly again; the voice that sung louder than the wind.
"I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died, we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she could try"
Benny enjoys the song; My Chemical Romance was always his favorite band - apart from Muse, of course - and Ethan knew how to deliver the song so nicely. He even found himself quietly humming along, knowing every word.
"At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are never ever...
Ever..."
The song stops when Benny dares to take a glance; he should've learned his lesson.
"I saw you on the balcony." Ethan says, stirring his caramel macchiato. "I never knew you lived beside Sarah."
Benny shrugs as he leans back in his seat. "I do. I also never knew that you would answer my text, so I guess today is all about the surprises, isn't it."
"Why couldn't we meet in the morning?" Ethan asks. "I have a date with Sarah in thirty minutes, and I always like to be prepared, and make sure all the reservations are ready, and no one will screw it up. Plus, I like Daniel to entertain me with his stories while taking the long way to Sarah's place. He always got in the weirdest things with my butler, Phillip, when he was younger..."
"You live a one track life, don't ya, Morgan." Benny doesn't even bother asking permission to use his last name, nor does Ethan care.
"Didn't answer my question, Weir."
The words sound forced and exaggerated - nothing like Ethan, to be honest - and Benny laughs. Ethan rolls his eyes.
"I went to church." Benny explains after calming down. "My family is very religious."
"You believe in God?"
"Why is that a surprise?"
"Well," Ethan looks away. "I don't take you as the religious kind of guy."
"Why," Benny doesn't mean to sound so defensive. "because I like rock music, have tattoos," - "tattoos" referring to his scars - "and 'cuz I'm gay?"
The last part is unnecessary, but Benny doesn't care; practically the whole school knew he was a faggot, and they certainly never ceased to forget to remind him of that constantly; every second of his life. He waited for his sour reaction.
Instead, Ethan drinks his drink. "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination."
Benny tries to remain as if he wasn't surprised. "You read the Bible?"
Ethan nods. "Leviticus, chapter 18, verse 22."
"I'm impressed."
"I'm rich," Ethan says coolly, "I have a lot of spare time."
"So you don't care?" Benny feels helpless. "That I'm gay, I mean."
"Care?" Ethan smirks. "I never said I believed in God, B."
"I saw you with a guy at Starbucks on Sunday."
Ethan closes his locker, and looks at Sarah, untouched by the situation. "Yeah, so?"
"Alright, correction," Sarah rolls her eyes. "I saw you with Benny Weir."
Her voice is hushed when she says his name, but people hear anyway, and snicker towards the brunette. Ethan looks at them with a snarl, and then faces Sarah.
"Okay, so what's the point?"
Sarah huffs, crossing her arms. "He's gay, Ethie."
If this is a cartoon, there would be steam coming out of Ethan's ears; the fact that Sarah hissed the word with so much disgust made him sick to the bone. And the fact that she even cared made him nauseous. He tries - very hard, let me reassure you - to keep his cool as he calmly looks at Sarah in the eye.
"Why?" he asks smoothly. "Why would it matter?"
"Can you not read lips?" Sarah slams the locker beside her shut. "He's a faggot."
Her voice is sultry and sweet, but is filled with so much hate.
"So?" Ethan looks away. "He is a pretty nice guy, you know."
Sarah has the guts to punch Ethan's arm lightly, but with authority. "He is also the most unpopular kid in the whole school, not to mention the ugliest. He is also one of those people who hates everyone and everything, and is, how do I say it, a mega loser. And he's gay."
"Are you homophobic, Sarah?" Ethan began to raise his voice. "What if I were to say I was a hundred percent gay? What if the rich kid also was a homosexual? Would you still be my friend? Would people shun me like they do to him?"
Sarah gasps, and hopes people have not heard. "Ethie, I would never shun you, if you were gay or not. I'm not homophobic."
"Then why him?" Ethan nearly shouts. "What has he ever done to any of you?"
People were catching stares, and Sarah smooths her black skirt.
"Because, Ethan," she smiles sweetly; it's sickening. "If you don't hate Weir, you might as well join him. He might as well die."
Sarah looks at him, before adding, "Why do you care, Ethie? Are you falling in love with him?"
Something sparks in Ethan's mind, and he suddenly feels defensive. His sexuality was always a mystery to him, as well as a delicate conversation. However, something tells him that he didn't take the situation as well as he could've.
"Of course I'm not in love with him. I'm straight. He's gay, as you said. I'm not gay, and I'm definitely not falling in love with him."
The words fly faster out of his mouth than he could think. Ethan wants to take the words back as soon as they came out. But it was too late.
Sarah smirks, going on her toes to kiss his cheek. "That's what I thought."
Ethan watches as Sarah flaunts away, her hair bobbing at the back of her. He catches a glimpse of a boy in a grey hoodie - Benny.
When he walks away, shaking his head, Ethan can already feel the regret seep in; the world is a cruel place.
Dear Voice,
You're a dick.
Benny doesn't hear Ethan sing until twelve midnight, when he's sitting on the balcony and about to go back in.
"And never did I think that I
Would be caught in the way you got me
Push another girl aside, and just give in"
Benny pretends he doesn't hear, but he loves Panic! At The Disco. He begins to hum softly again, and Ethan takes it as a sign that he was listening. The song also made him remember what Ethan had said to Sarah earlier in the day, and he tries not to think about it again.
"Girls love girls and boys
Girls love girls and boys
And never did I think that I
Would be caught in the way you got me
But girls love girls and boys
And love is not a choice"
Ethan's voice layers above the wind's howl, and the stars are still there, reminding him of how insignificant Benny was in the universe. The song doesn't seem like something Ethan was enjoying, but more like a formal apology. Benny hates when people apologies to him - he's heard 'sorry' too much.
He catches a glimpse of Ethan's brown eyes in the dark, but doesn't care; he throws the cigarette in Ethan's direction, and walks back into his house.
"Benny, hear me out, it wasn't what you think, okay?" Ethan tries to reason as he chases Benny down the wet streets. "I was telling the truth. I didn't mean to offend you, I swear, I was just trying to do -"
"What pleases her?" Benny snaps, turning around. Ethan pauses.
"I never meant to hurt you, Benny. I'm not trying to please her. You heard what I said; I have nothing against homosexuals."
"You said it with so much disgust, you know?" Benny is close to tears, but he tries not to show it. "The thought of dating me? You said it as if you didn't want to think of the possibility at all. It's like you became everybody else, Ethan. You aren't much different from them!"
"I'M MUCH DIFFERENT!" Ethan yells, throwing his drink on the ground in front of Benny. "I showed you sympathy to a world that isn't, and never will! You're just a disgusting creature that doesn't give a fuck about the nice things that people do for you! Sarah was right! You hate everyone and everything with no damn consequence!"
It adds to the things that Ethan regrets, and it breaks Ethan's heart when Benny runs off in the opposite direction, leaving the caramel macchiato to soak in the rain.
'We told you.' the demons hiss when Ethan is far off into the distance. Benny turns around to see that he wasn't being followed by him. 'He doesn't care enough. Or at all.'
Benny crumples on the streets, his head pounding and his vision growing blurry.
'We're always right'
The blurs of two brown eyes cloud his vision before the darkness.
"They're always right," Benny murmurs before he passes out, letting the darkness envelop him.
"Though our love
Is like a winding road
Of uncertainty"
Benny is greeted into the world of consciousness by a gentle voice looming above him. He blinks, clearing the blurs from his eyes to see Ethan, right above him, humming a soft song underneath his breath. He smiles, but then remembers what the demons had told him - did he care at all? Or was this pity?
"I long to trust your smile
And all the ways you feel
Touching me"
Benny closes his eyes to listen to the song, feeling every word of Ethan's voice, which was beautiful as always. Every word was strong and filled with meaning, and Benny had wished he wasn't extremely mad at him, because if he wasn't, he'd sing with him.
"Moment by moment
Our lifetime goes on
Till one day
Our somedays are gone"
"Yvonne Elliman?" Benny mutters, and Ethan stops, looking down and blushing.
"My mom sung that song on karaoke every Thursday night before we...um...struck rich."
"Really," Benny sits up. "I always thought of you as an alternative rock kind of person."
"Well, even some of us grow up with the classics, right?" Ethan smiles, and Benny shakes his head to clear all the thoughts. The demons weren't talking - where they gone? - and Benny just wanted to get away from Ethan as soon as he could - they were never gone.
"Thanks for getting me," Benny stands up, "but I'll be going now."
When he stands, the blood rushes to his head, and he feels as if he was carrying weights on his shoulder. He stumbles, and before he could fall, Ethan catches him in his arms, smirking a little. Benny is panting, and Ethan lifts him back up.
"I think you should stay here for now." he whispers, and Benny shakes his head to see that he was in his apartment.
"I-I can't. Y-You have to leave." Benny says, worried of who could be here; Bea would think that Benny is breaking the words of the Bible, and Benny's dad would probably just slap him right in front of Ethan. He didn't want that. Not Ethan, out of all people.
"I know you are probably confused of why you are here in the first place. I must be a major stalker, huh?" Ethan chuckles, and Benny doesn't smile.
"No, trust me, if my dad sees you here -"
"You'll be fine." Ethan says reassuringly. "I brought you here because I knew you were right beside Sarah's. You had your key in your pocket, so I just plopped you on the couch and waited for you to wake up. Plus, we're gonna be alone for a while; a girl named Bea, who I assume is your sister, said that she and your dad went out and won't be back until the next morning, when I'll be gone. I promise."
Benny lets out a sigh of relief. "Alright."
"Why are you so worried about your dad seeing us anyway?" Ethan presses. "Is he homophobic or something?"
Benny almost laughs. "Ethan, my family is religious. Leviticus ring any bells? Abomination? Of course my dad is homophobic."
Ethan doesn't smile when he hears that, but offers to make him microwave popcorn - "I do have the perfect formula of microwave popcorn; just enough butter, not too many kernels, and never burnt."
Benny fakes his smile, but decides to pull out a movie. They end up watching the first Star Wars movie on his couch, before Benny says that he needs to smoke, and they go out on the balcony together, watching as the toxic fumes fill the star-lit sky.
"Smoking is bad for you. You know that right? It is one of the causes of problems in your lungs."
"As much as I appreciate Doctor Ethan," Benny laughs, "I think I'll be okay."
"Why do you smoke?" Ethan presses, ignoring the previous remark.
Benny digs the cigarette butt into the ground. "I smoke because it's my own therapy. Watching the smoke free itself from the insides of this capsule is delightful. It's not like I don't know that this can kill me. It's the risk of death because of a fire burning inside my lungs, Ethan, that excites me."
Ethan tilts his head, but tries to act as he was unfazed by the words. "Poetic."
"Isn't it." Benny states flatly, flicking the cigarette off the balcony, and letting it fall off.
They sit in silence, pondering to themselves about their existence and each other. Ethan sneaks nervous glances at Benny, and Benny just catches him, smirking. Ethan blushes, and then faces the star filled sky once again.
"Stars are so beautiful, aren't they?" Ethan whispers. "I always thought that they were a link to heaven, and that the stars were the angels watching over us, reminding us that amongst the colorless sky, there is hope."
Benny stares at him as if he wanted to kiss him. "Poetic."
"You're late, sir." Philip, the butler, says.
Ethan sits on his couch, in front of the burning fireplace. He takes the tea that Philip offers, and sips it. "Yeah, I was out late. I had a few plans."
"With Sarah?"
Ethan blushes. "With Benny."
"Him again, huh?" Philip smiles. "I never liked that Sarah girl. Always complained about the temperature, and always tried to use you for money. She was kind of a pest, to be honest. One of the reasons I plan to retire very soon, sir. If it doesn't offend you, that is my honest opinion."
Ethan nods sadly. "You're right, Philip. I...it's just."
"Just what?"
"Just...difficult."
"Are you not going to accept who you are, sir?" Philip tries not to raise his voice and keep his cool, but Ethan was starting to annoy him now. "If you are who you are, you should have no problem breaking it off with someone you aren't supposed to be with."
"You're supposed to be my butler, Philip," Ethan snarls harshly as Philip steps back. "what do you know about love?"
"A damn lot," Philip retorts, "because I am still in a healthy relationship, unlike you."
Ethan is taken back. "I'm sorry, Philip."
"It's quite alright, Ethan. I should've not said that in the beginning" Philip then smiles. "Just please promise me you'll do something about this 'crush' you have on Benjamin. True love only comes once, and don't you think it's a little cruel to play this boy on? He probably cares more for you than you think."
Ethan thinks about this carefully, before he nods, grabbing his trench coat and heading outside, saying a quick, "Thank you!" over his shoulder.
"No problem, sir." Philip chuckles, sipping the tea that Ethan didn't touch.
The door opens again, and it's Daniel.
"Wet outside?" Philip stands to kiss him on his cheek. Daniel rolls his eyes.
"I saw Ethan run out," Daniel whispers, lips barely grazing Philip's, "did something happen?"
"An epiphany happened." Philip grins. "I barely contributed."
Ethan had left a few minutes ago - maybe an hour ago, if Benny was paying attention - and now Benny was alone again, listening to the noise that the rain makes against the apartment window. He doesn't feel lonely, but maybe his mind is deceiving him.
The door was knocked rapidly, and Benny winces; if it was his dad, he came home early, and that could never be good. Maybe it was Bea, who wanted to drag him along for a last minute session about the gospel. Or maybe it were murderers, ready to kill him and take everything they had.
Benny decides that he prefers the first one.
He opens the door as if greeting his dark fate. "Hi d -"
It was Ethan, actually, and he was absolutely wet - and not in the way Benny thought. He was soaking, as if he ran out here in the rain. He stands there, staring at Benny for a good ten seconds straight, panting and catching his breath. Benny frowns.
"Ethan? What are you -"
Ethan presses him against his chest, kissing him as if it were the last time. Benny is shocked at first, but ignores it as he kisses back, moving into the kiss. He moans Ethan's name softly, and they kiss until they can't breathe any more.
Before Benny could speak, Ethan presses his index finger against Benny's lips.
"Shh." he whispers. Benny nods quietly, and Ethan is gone as if he were never there to begin with.
Dear Voice,
...you're still kind of a dick.
...a dick that kisses good, though.
A dick that kisses good and erases demons.
They fall in love slowly. Benny stops smoking, and cutting, and Ethan breaks up with Sarah after seeing her with another man. Benny moves in with Ethan, who moves out of Whitechapel. He leaves Beatrice a note, and he doesn't care what they think.
They move into a small apartment outside their hometown, leaving their lives behind. Benny still hears the demons every once and a while, but doesn't care; they aren't bothering him anymore. He doesn't listen to them anymore, because he listens to Ethan.
And as they sit underneath the starry sky on their balcony, Ethan pops the question that would change Benny's life together. He says 'yes' - he doesn't know why he wouldn't - and they are planning their life ahead.
They are like this until they - inevitably, of course - die.
Ethan finds the notes - "You're so sweet, Benny." Ethan says, as he slowly flips through the notes beginning with 'Dear Voice' - and climbs into bed with his husband. Benny doesn't know what became of his dad, or Beatrice - perhaps she became a fucking nun, and perhaps Benny's dad passed out forever - but he doesn't bother; all he cares is how his last breath came before the time he would jump, and that he was spending it with the man he loves.
'Don't worry, ma,' Benny thinks as he welcomes the darkness. 'I promise to be the brightest star out there.'
Dear Beatrice,
I'll have you know that I never believed in God. I'm not sorry, but I feel bad that I was never like you, or dad. It never made sense to me, how you could fall in love with a nonexistent force, but I'll have you know that I did believe in heaven.
More or less, if either of you care where I am, don't bother; I'm gone. I will never come back. And it's because I despise both of you.
None of you cared. All you cared for was the gospel and each other. I was a burden. I was the skinny boy who would hardly eat and would cut himself at the hours of midnight. I almost jumped and threw my life in a whole different direction, but I didn't.
I have moved away with the Voice. The one who saved me from the demons none of you cared about. The demons that made my sinful life miserable. Again, you didn't care. As far as I know, you guys sinned so much. But I have no right to say.
So if you love - or have ever loved - me, don't make me come back. I can reassure you that your soul will go to hell.
Take this note as you will; if it was harsh, I don't care. If you miss me, I still don't care. And one day, I'll be with my mother. I hope I never have to see you there. But if I do, congrats.
I promise, Bea, I will be the brightest star out there.
And don't try to find me. Don't go after me. Pick up your life, and throw this note as if I never knew you.
I am leaving with my true love.
My only exception.
Yours truly,
Benny x
"When I was younger I saw, my daddy cry
And curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it.
And my momma swore
That she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I never sing of love if it does not exist.
But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception."
- "The Only Exception" by Paramore.
So it has been quite a month for me.
I know that I haven't been the best updater for the last couple of weeks, and I know that I also haven't been the best person for the last couple of weeks. I honestly don't know what happened, but my happiness just dropped, and I have been feeling miserable.
But I hate not being able to share my stories with you. I hate it so much.
I'm taking a break. I'm taking a break from making promises I know that I can't keep. I'll try to write when I can - the most I will probably get is pre-written chapters and what not (aka Home Is Where The Heart Is: Chapter 8 :P) - but I just...it's been hard.
My grandma isn't feeling well, and things with my dad have been going up and down. School has been hell, and I have been beginning to question my own mental health.
I don't know if my sadness is a medical condition, but I have not been happy. There are bags under my eyes and there have been...close situations. I feel like I'm tearing myself apart. It isn't fair that I have to go through this; I haven't done much. But it does, and I feel miserable. I cry myself to sleep, and I keep hearing them taunt me.
I just don't care anymore. My marks are getting worse, but the only thing I am most ashamed of myself is the mask I wear. I wear a happy mask on my face every single day. So much that it seems as if I take it off, nobody will know what to do. I will admit; being happier makes me gain hope, but I know it's not normal to practice your smile and wear glasses to mask the puffiness of you eyes.
Don't worry for me, please. I can't promise that I'm getting better, but I can reassure you that I'm okay. I just won't write as often as I used to, as I will be taking time to reflect on the little things I can do to make things easier for me.
So in other words, it won't be the same. It's not like it would be bad; it's just that things would be different. They definitely won't be the same, but they won't change drastically. I have learned to start doing things that will make me more happier. If I don't...I don't know what would happen.
I won't force myself to be happy. I will probably procrastinate more. But the only thing I can promise you is that this isn't the end, and that I promise that you will see more of me.
I apologize - though people will be telling that I shouldn't be - but this was something I had to do. I had to stop making promise I couldn't keep. But not writing to you guys is making me sick. I love writing for you guys, and sharing thoughts.
This story has a really important theme for me. One, damn, it was long - I remain unbeta'd, so don't count on this being a piece of art. I hope I didn't bore you out - imagine, there was supposed to be a hell load of plot. At least 3000 more words of plot And of course I didn't make it a multi-chapter; does it look like I can finish it? :P
The fact that you should try to find 'your only exception'; someone that defies your boundaries, and someone who you will let defy your boundaries. Does that make sense? I think that makes sense. To me, at least.
The demons in this story also symbolize something I have been experiencing; I won't go too much into that.
I need to stop trying to be happy because I know I'm not. Nor will I force myself to.
But I love you all. I will write for you. This isn't the end. I am recovering, even if it is really hard. Things have been rough for me, I know, but I am not going to let that ruin my life. I hate being depressed all the time, and hating myself. But I can't get them to shut up, so until they do, I'll just keep pushing.
Thank you to every who ever messaged me, telling me that it'll be okay (especially you, fanfic buddy. Especially you.). I will try to get better.
'Till next time; love yourself, dearies.
~TOBN xx