Disclaimer:I don't own Tenchi Muyo, I never did, and I never will.
Author's Notes: Well, I'm kinda depressed right now. I need to write a sad fic. This is my first sad fic. I'm gonna try to make it a tear jerker, but it probably won't make anyone else but myself cry. You have to really love Ryoko to have this make you cry. I dunno, just read it. It might be sad, might not be.
As you grew, so did my longing. You were so handsome to my eyes. A fateful day happened too soon. Triumphant in getting the keys to my cage, I got my hopes up so much, that when I was conscious again, I just wanted to kiss you. My demonic form, trying to love a heavenly being. Of course you ran away. You will never know how badly you hurt me that day. So, I let out my anger on you, and you said three words that I have always wished to put at the back of my mind. Why is it always three words? I hate that number. "You're a monster"
Yes, I am a monster. But I would not have just leapt on feelings. You are so rash sometimes Tenchi. I thought you would never hurt me. But you have, in more ways than one, but yet again, you have saved my soul. Like the whole Mayuka incident. I wiped away my pride for you! Again, I came crawling back hoping not to be abused. So much a scared little child wishing for no more pain. The slap itself didn't hurt that much, but the cause of it did. I knew that girl wanted to hurt you. Well, you know what? It turns out that she did. It was pretty damn successful too. Realization has already struck that it was not her will, but that current form of her was evil. But that red mark on my face had still hurt. You just like to deepen the scars don't you Tenchi? I never thought I would question my feelings for you. I keep having recessing thoughts that frighten even myself. You hurt me so badly. And now I'm haunting myself with memories. This sucks monkey.
Don't you care that I'm in pain? How? Why? You will never answer those questions for me. We are brain-dead when it comes to communicating. Both of us. I see it now. I am a machine. Incapable of human feeling. But if that's so? Why do I feel so bad? It's times like these that I wish I was a mindless machine. Then I wouldn't have to put up with this. I wouldn't have to worry about you, me, or anything. I'm just another one of Washu's inventions. If not that, than I'm Kagato's play thing, or yours, Tenchi. No matter what I am, I still have feelings dammit! You can't just go tearing them apart! Although you already have. I would forgive you, but you make no move to correct this mistake. Washu, mother, why didn't you make me wiser than this? Couldn't you have given me some sort of power that could tell me the future or something? Self-named Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe, you didn't give me anything useful. Just powers to destroy. Which made me so friggin messed up in the first place! If I didn't have any powers, Kagato would have had no interest in me! Then again, if it wasn't for Kagato, I probably wouldn't have met Tenchi. And with no powers I would be just like her. Both of them. Do they make you feel manly Tenchi? Because they're damsels in distress? Just because I never need saving, is that why I'm not for you? Sakuya, Ayeka, both have no defense at all. Both weaklings. If it hadn't been for Ayeka, I wouldn't have needed Tenchi to come and fight Kagato. He would have been killed SO much in SUCH a short time if you hadn't had to tag along. When I heard your weak little scream I should have left you. But my confused and angry heart let you live. I can't help but hate both of you right now. I wonder what your children will look like? Ugly little things. Red and brown eyes mixed? Purple and Brown hair mixed? I hate to think about it. I sure do feel sorry for them and Jurai. They are going to have some hideous heirs.
No, those footsteps are Tenchi's. Come to explain what I already know. I don't feel the ever so familiar stinging at my eyes? Why is that? Great, here he comes. Just don't look at him and maybe he will go away. The words he is saying are flowing right through my head. I am so deep in thought, or so drunk, that I don't realize what he's saying. I picked up only one thing. "Are you alright Ryoko?" Oh yes, Just PEACHY Tenchi! It feels so good for you to squeeze any happiness and life that I hung onto so dearly out of me. Yes, the refreshing feeling of loosing my sanity over what I saw is just what I needed. Uh uh, I swear if you reach for my Sake bottle again I'll kill you...
The whole time Tenchi has been up here, I haven't been listening nor speaking. I have the strength and mental stability for neither. I catch bits of words and phrases when I try to listen. But the ones I do don't make me want to open my hearing any further. I hear words like "love", "Ayeka", "Sorry", and "better". Yes, I know my love. You don't have to tell me. I can feel the anger rising into my eyes as it consumes me. I reach back, and before I know what I have done Tenchi is no longer speaking. He is lying back on the tiles of my rooftop sanctuary clutching his cheek. "I KNOW!" I yell at him. Surprisingly, I haven't bursted into tears yet. I stare at him. He stares back with fear in his eyes. Again. The first time I saw him, he looked the same way. He looked at me that way when I would hug him, and right now. No more. I can no longer take it, and the complementary tears come out. I don't collapse like I feel like doing. It's much easier to stand now. The expression on Tenchi's face has changed. He seems to be angry with himself. Or is he angry with me? I don't care either way. I'm taking care of me now. No longer is everything for him. I don't give a crap anymore. I know I need to hurl something. I pick up the sake bottle, and throw it with all my might into the sky. Halfway to it's destination, I fire one lone blast, and it shatters. That is what you do to my heart Tenchi. I repeat my thoughts out loud to Tenchi, who is still watching the pieces of glass fall like shooting stars to the ground. "I'm so sorry Ryoko" he says. I know he is, but I know that it doesn't matter right now. I reply with as much bitterness as I can.
"You could have told me first, so that I could have ran with my tail between my legs before witnessing it first hand"
"I know, and I'm sorry. It was just a sudden instinct." He replies to me. My eyes go wide with rage. "Do you know what my instincts say? They say I should rip you and that pitiful little princess to shreds. And oh I know I could, your wimpy Light Hawk Wings or not! But do you know something else? Of course you don't! Because your clueless when it comes to me! I'll tell you though! There is only one reason why I don't follow my instincts, and I betcha can't guess. It's because I love you Tenchi! I love you although you've hurt me deeper than Kagato. I love you so much it causes me physical pain! I love you so much that I would give my god-forsaken soul so you could live a happy and prosperous life! Even if it wasn't with me, the demonic space pirate." I tried my hardest not to whisper the last part, but it seemed to add a lasting touch.My sullen tone reached to him, trying to pull him into my abyss of despair. Not that I was happy about that. I know I have hurt him with my words, but once again, it's something I don't care about at this exact moment. He stole my dreams from me, and I'll be damned if he's getting off the hook that easily.
I flew off, not being able to look at him anymore.
He had hurt me so bad. I can't help but hate him a little right now. A little? More like a lot. I hate him more than I love him right now. They deserve eachother. Him, the Juraian prince, and she, the Juraian princess. Both fit. Inbred little Juraians. Gross!! How could you do that? That's disgusting. I know I would never run off with my great-uncle. I'm going to go insane. I need to get this off my chest."Washu, I need someone to talk to right now, please, could you come here?" I couldn't believe I was asking my "mother" for help, through our link I was pleading, like a child again. I always thought that I was stronger than that. Oh well, here she comes, floating on that cushion thingy. "Hello" I say it casually, a tear trickling down my face. She looks overjoyed that I called on her, but she is frowning. I'm sorry mother, to dump this on you. This is my time to cry. They will never see me cry again. I swear by Tsunami. Whoa, Washu said something. I think it was "Are you okay" but I'm not sure. " Yes. . .no. . .and don't ask me which it is." I say it through supressed sobs. "Would you like to tell me what's wrong?" her voice sounds full of concern. I have never been more grateful. This is exactly what I need right now. Who would have thought that this little 12-year-old mom could provide it. "They haven't announced it? Gonna tell me first I suppose. But oh, I knew, mom. I knew." anger ran like water through those words. I am so bitter. I don't know why I was suprised.
She guessed. I could see by her face. She shed a tear for me! Wait, that's kinda conceited of me to think. Oh well, I don't care anymore! I DON'T CARE! I had made it rather obvious anyway. I now feel her hand on my shoulder. She is floating right next to me. I never knew how much I needed her until the one I really needed let me down. I curse Tenchi for the thousandth time that night. "I'm so sorry Ryoko. He should die a long and painful death for what he's done to you. I ha-"
"Don't hate on my behalf. And no, he shouldn't die for knowing what he wants and taking it. Although, that's what people say about me. I could destroy them all. I should, I know it. But I can't, I won't. No one could make me. That time that I had thought that Tenchi had died is still clear in my memory. I was so angry and sad, I didn't know what to do except kill. Kill Kagato. But it turned out that Tenchi had pulled through. I thought that it was for his love for me b-but, I was wrong." At the end of that, I bawled. I wept so hard i didn't know where I was. I couldn't cry anymore though. There was still much more to be said. I continued on, never giving Washu a chance to intervene. "Oh, and I still remember the Haruna affair. You saw me, lying there. So weak. I couldn't do a thing about Tenchi with that girl. I-I don't like being weak. Ever. Because it makes me more like that prissy princess. Or that little wench of a shadow school girl. Both of them. No powers at all. Always getting kidnapped and having to be saved. Which is why I hated myself when Kagato kidnapped me. Mind control, that's what he used. I couldn't break free, and he had killed Tenchi. I used most of my power to get out of that hourglass hell. Racing to the spot where I found that hankercheif. I don't want to relive it right now. I also died for Tenchi! When he was going to save his true love I took him there! He had no idea that I was fatally hurt. None what-so-ever. He owes me one? He owes me a couple! First, I take him to save Ayeka, and now he does this to me. After slapping me on the behalf of another girl, running off with two other women, giving me false hope, and calling me a monster, he does this. Go to hell Tenchi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed the last part into the night, hoping that he would hear. Hoping to Kami-sama that he would hear. I didn't need him. I never did. I don't know why I fooled myself so long. I can see Washu's face. She is sad. I need a mother now. She is such a good one. I can't believe I actually have to thank the man responsible for all of this. You brought my mother and I together Tenchi. Thank you (I guess). And thank you, mom. "Thank you, mom." I say it aloud, relaying my thoughts to her. She smiles through her tears, and I through mine. Hug time. I do feel better though. I got it off of my chest, and I feel better. Will I go back and face the happiness that is the Masaki house?
I don't see why I should. Tenchi would want me there. Or would he? Too many questions for me to ponder, I'm going. And I WILL NOT shed a tear. No matter what. Not in front of them anyway. None of them will ever see me cry again. Never. I swear.
I'm back at home. The smiling faces of everyone haunt me as I seclude myself from the celebration of the night. I am sickened by the sight. That's supposed to be me with him. Not that royal pain in the ass. To think that we were friendly with eachother when the Haruna event occured. I encouraged her to go on! I get nothing for my efforts. Just a "Oh sorry Ryoko, but your too demonic and unfeminine for me! I want someone who is actually shorter than I am". I feel like I could puke and stain Ayeka's kimono any moment now. It would make the night a little easier to take. It would probably just bring the two of them closer together though. Is everything I do for them? I've been doing well in not crying histerically when I see them together though. I want to scream, and a little squeak escaped my mouth once at dinner. They can live happily ever after though. I want Tenchi to be happy, but it's another story for little miss "you old mummy woman". Seems as though you were right, but it's better than being you. Anything is better than that. Although you got Tenchi, you didn't have to watch yourself kill innocent people, and you didn't have to live a life of seclusion and loneliness for 700 years. No, your 700 years of life were full of palace happiness. You know nothing of what I've had to endure.
I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of living altogether. I'm sick of seeing everyone so happy. I am floating away, slowly, but surely. To another region of hurt and pain. My speed picks up everytime I see her smile. Everytime she looks at me. Everytime she pecks Tenchi on the cheek. Everything she does makes me go a little faster. They are in a party I'm not invited to. I never was. I realize it, but I am still trying to get past the security gaurds. Those huge security gaurds. I could force my way past them, or i could try a more tactful route. I have a feeling force won't work. I also have a feeling that I need to go somewhere else, or I will break my promise. Pushing the door to the kitchen open, I walk in, step over to the refrigerator, and take out a few more sake bottles. Thank Tsunami we have a lot more. I'll need them. That actually makes me feel worse. It makes me think that Tenchi might have planned this, so he bought extra booze for me when I heard the news.
Here in my room, alone with my sorrow, but that's how it should be. Ah, how nice, more footsteps. These I also know. I don't welcome them. They need to stay away from this door. I will blast them into oblivion if they knock again. No matter how Tenchi would feel. I swear I will. She would have no defenses. She wouldn't know what would hit her. Then Tenchi would kick me out of his house and life for the rest of his and my pitiful being. Wouldn't it just be the perfect thing to end the day?
Those footsteps now have a voice, a prissy little high pitched one. How I hate it. How I never wish to hear it again. My wishes obviously mean nothing to any god or goddess that may be above me, because i have only gotten one that i wanted, and that not being the biggest one. Knocking, still. Doesn't she know when to let up? Whatever, you can come in now. I don't care. Getting up to open the door, Ayeka steps in. I hate her so much right now. I've hated her since the day i met her. But no more than right now. It seems as though I am spending too much time in my head though, as the princess has been talking my ear off since she came in here. Luckily, I haven't heard a thing. She talks, and that's all. A bunch of jibberish comes out of her mouth, stating false words and emotions, like "she knows how I feel". Well it's nice of you to be so understanding, but you can shove it up your ass. Hate is a word I love when talking about you. Along with a lot of other ones, but they aren't appropriate for even my thoughts. You took the one thing I wanted from me.
Now what you give me in return is false sympathy. That's what everyone gives. Washu, she's the only one who really cares for me. And it's funny how Ayeka is still going on about things. Glad I'm not listening. I'm not in the mood to listen to Tenchi or your rubish right now, princess. Don't try me. I had a lousy day. One more swig of sake, and I could reduce you to a cloud of dust in no time. And to tell you the truth, the only thing that stops me are my weak feelings. Well, the feelings themselves aren't weak, but they make me weak. You'd be more dead than Kagato is if I didn't have these feelings. One more sentence partical is filling my ears, I hear a high pitched "I never meant to hurt you, i guess I should of thought of your feelings, too". I feel like causing her physical harm. It seems to me like her and Tenchi belong together. They both say the same tired old "I'm sorry" shit. And I'm tired of it already.
"Well, Miss Ayeka, I think you can leave my room, if you are finished with your less than heart-warming speech."
Not looking up at her face, I can still see that she is appalled. And, on cue, she runs off to tattle on me to Tenchi. Little slut. I hate her so much!!!
I'm leaving. I can't take this anymore. It's been a full day, and I haven't said anything to anyone. Not even a casual "hi". No more. I am the outcast. I'm no longer going to eat with everyone. I spend most of my time in Washu's lab too. Trying to sleep without nightmares. Everything around me seeps with nastiness. It will never ever be the same again. I will never ever hug Tenchi again, nor will I look at the princess. Ever. Never ever.
I'm not leaving. I will never ever have that kind of bravery again. I am a little girl. Filled with fright and pain. With no where to put it. This feeling won't ever go away. I know you made the wrong choice Tenchi-dearest. But you made the mistake. You will never look ahead to see if there is a dead end. I know you won't. Because I know you.
Again. Another day has passed. I think. They run together so nicely. Painting the pictures of my miserable life with grays and dull browns. Teardrops stain the canvas. It doesn't matter, because that's part of the picture of my life. All I know is, this is one of the ugliest works I have ever seen. Hideousness oozes from the sides. I can see it happening. The ooze of ugliness consumes me. I can breathe no longer. I know no one will save me from my agony. I'm going to die. I can see my eyes start to close. I am no longer inside myself. They are closing ever so slowly. It won't be long now. The slow motion ends. I am dead. My lifeless body hangs in the hardened goop of disgust that is my life. But as slowly as they closed, my eyes open again. Wider than ever before. I scream. A scream of silence. Only I can hear the pain and agony in the notes.
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I'm no longer screaming, no longer dying. Not even swimming in a puddle of myself. I am panting and sitting up. Sweat runs down my face. A cloth colder than ice touches my face. I turn to see the smiling face of the genius, red haired, motherly, Washu. She knows just as well as I do that I am slowly going insane. The door to the lab opens. Tenchi's standing there. Pretend to still be asleep!! Well, that didn't work very well. Tap tap tap. He's walking over here. I have been spotted. But at the same time, I'm not phased by this. I don't care. It's a wonderful feeling. I haven't felt this good in a long time. It's squished like a bug when I hear his voice.
"Hello Washu, Ryoko. Dinner is ready."
A smile crosses his face. I narrow my eyes. He sees me doing it. He grimaces. I don't. I keep staring at him. A disainful look is upon my face. He smiled? > . < That's what makes me love you dammit! You weren't supposed to smile! You were supposed to leave so that I could hate you without a guilty concience.
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I am currently telling Washu about my escape plans. Yes, they are escape plans from my family that is not a family. You see, they are not my family. Only Washu is. The reason they are not my family is that they do not care about me. If they did, they would tell me. Wouldn't they? They are not related to me by blood at all. I should forget about them. Make them strangers I have passed on the street. They are not my family. This is not a house I am in. Their words are not words. They are communication, that communicates with every sentence for me to leave. Well, I am. Not like that will come as a suprise to them. They are wishing for it. My mother agrees that I need some time to myself to sort things out. Good. I am going to be free again. Again? I have never been free. But I am leaving this place. I am going to experience freedom. And I am going to love it.
*** **** *** *** *** ***
I am now in space. No one misses me. Washu gave me another ship to use, so Ryo-ohki won't have to leave Sasami. So I am alone. This ship is not a cabbit. I am alone again. Not free, just alone.