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Miss Feudal Japan
(supposed to be like a tv show… or something)
(cheesy theme music playing)
Announcer voice: Welcome to the first annual Miss Feudal Japan beauty pageant! Please give a warm welcome to our host, Miroku!
(Miroku walks onstage, to lukewarm applause, carrying a microphone, and waves at the audience, who are seated as follows: Naraku, Sesshoumaru,Bankotsu, Kohaku, Shippou (who is munching from a large bucket of popcorn),Kouga, and Inuyasha)(applause dies down)
Miroku: Welcome, and thank you all for coming tonight to cheer on our wonderful ladies! (light applause) Now, please join me in welcoming our three judges heretonight! (motions to row of chairs in front of audience) Our first judge is the slightly famous, slightly senile master swordsmith, Totosai! (scattered applause)Welcome, sir!
Totosai: (has a rather disoriented look) …Where am I? Who are you people? (points at Miroku) Did you bring me here?
Miroku: Uhhh… no… you arrived on that three-eyed cow of yours, you old kook. (turnsback to the audience) Our second judge is the miniscule and cowardly flea demon, Myoga! (motions to the apparently empty seat in the middle of the judge's row; audience looks at it, baffled)
Inuyasha: What the hell are you talking about, Miroku? There's no one there!
Sesshoumaru: (with the air of one who is trying to explain that one plus one equals two to an overemotional, hyperactive 3-year old on crack) Use those ears of yours, you dimwitted, pathetic excuse for a living being! Myoga is obviously right in front of his microphone.
(everyone listens closely; sure enough, a tiny squeaking noise can be heard from the microphone in front of the empty chair; apparently, Myoga's trying to say something)
Sesshoumaru: (to Myoga) Your attempts at speech are futile. You're speaking in a pitch that even dogs can't understand. (looks over at Naraku) What do you want??
Naraku: (has been staring at Sesshoumaru since the show began, but looks away quicklynow that he's been caught) Nothing. (continues staring at Sesshoumaru as soon as he turns away)
Miroku: (impatiently) Ok, now that we've confirmed Myoga's existence, let me introduce our third judge. (motions to the last judges chair) Coming straight from the afterlife, our third judge is none other than…(drumroll)… The Great Dog Demon!
(everyone looks over at the last judges chair, where the ghost of the Great Dog Demon is sitting, smiling serenely. Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha stare at him in amazement)
Sesshoumaru: Father, what are you doing here?
GDD: Well, I was getting quite bored with being dead. Not much chance for fun in the afterlife. So, when I heard that they needed a third judge for this pageant, I frightened the producer into letting me fill the position!Plus, I wanted to see how you and Inuyasha have bee—
(he's interrupted by Bankotsu, who has jumped on top of his chair and is pointing at the GDD)
Bankotsu: (with a slightly demented look on his face) GHOST!!!!
(everyone stares at him with looks that say "What the hell was that about?";Bankotsu looks around, then sits back down)
Bankotsu: (sheepishly) Just had to get that out of my system…
Miroku: (clears throat loudly) Thank you for that pointless interruption, Bankotsu. Now, this is it, the moment you've all been waiting for! Time for our ladies to make their first appearance tonight! First up is Miss Kagome, who has been travelling back and forth between our time and what she calls "the present," which actually seems to be in the future. (glances offstage) Well, come on out here, Kagome!
Kagome: (from offstage, sounding slightly hysterical) Do I have to?
Miroku: Uhh, yes, you do.
(he goes offstage, then reappears dragging Kagome out from behind thecurtains. She is a nervous wreck: her eyes are the size of saucepans, her hair is rather frizzed out, and she keeps fidgeting with her clothes as if they don't fit quite right)
Inuyasha: WOOO! GO KAGOME!!
Kouga: YOU CAN DO IT, KAGOME!!
Shippou: (through a mouthful of popcorn) YAY! KAGOME!!!!! (sprays crumbs all over theback of Totosai's head)
Kagome: (shaking all over) Can I go now??
Miroku: (pats her on the butt) Yes, you can go offstage now.
Kagome: Thankyou!!! (practically sprints offstage)
Miroku: (staring after her) Aaaah, to be young and innocent… but where were we? Oh yes. Our next entrant is the lovely Sango, beautiful slayer of demons!
(Sango stalks out from behind the curtain, to some applause, looking highly irritated with Miroku)
Sango: I really wish you'd have more respect for women, Miroku, and would stop molesting them at every available moment.
Miroku: My dear Sango, there's no need to be jealous. You'll always have a special place in my heart! (starts feeling her up)
Sango: (thoroughly pissed now) HENTAI!!! (smacks him across the face)
Miroku: (massaging his new black eye) (sigh) And here I thought you would be more docile since your brother is in the audience…
Sango: Kohaku? He's here? (spots Kohaku in the audience) Kohaku, it's me… Kohaku?
(Kohaku is sitting in his chair, completely unresponsive to what's going on. It's impossible to tell whether he's dead or if he's just asleep)
Sango: Kohaku! What happened? Why won't you answer? Did Naraku do this to you?(turns to Naraku) Naraku! Turn my brother ba—
(she breaks off and stares at Naraku. Everyone follows her gaze and sees Naraku feeling Sesshoumaru up while cuddling with the fluffy thing. Inuyasha doubles over in silent laughter)
Sesshoumaru: (with a look of utter disgust) What in the hell are you doing??
Naraku: (sigh) You feel nice…
(Inuyasha laughs harder)
GDD: Please stop molesting my son. He's not gay. (turns to Sesshoumaru) At least, I don't think you are… Are you?
Sesshoumaru: (with an exasperated expression) Why does everyone question my sexualpreferences?
Inuyasha: (in mock thoughtfulness) I don't know, maybe it's because you wear MAKEUP!!
(in one deft motion, Sesshoumaru flicks his hand and severs the legs ofInuyasha's chair with his whip of light; Inuyasha falls to the floor in a heap)
Kouga: (laughing at Inuyasha's new position) Hey, Muttface, how's it feel to be disgraced by your girly brother??
(another flick of the whip sends Kouga to join Inuyasha on the floor)
Miroku: (in his best diplomatic tone) Alright you guys, are you done acting like children?(they all look up at him, then nod) Good. Our next lady is the undead priestess, Kikyou, former protector of the Sacred Jewel!
(Kikyou walks out, to almost no applause, and gives Miroku a look that clearly says "Touch me and you die". Miroku wisely backs away)
Kikyou: (glaring at Inuyasha) Inuyasha, you did not cheer as much for me as you did for Kagome!
Inuyasha: (still on the floor) Kikyou! I couldn't see you!
Kikyou: A likely excuse! I thought you loved me!
Inuyasha: (pushing Kouga's leg and parts of his chair off himself) I di—I do! I do!
(Kikyou's eyes narrow at the slip-up; Inuyasha whimpers and tries to hide under the remains of his chair)
Kikyou: (whipping a bow and arrow out of nowhere) Very well, if I can't have you, then no one can! I'll send you to hell! (aims bow at Inuyasha)
Inuyasha: (screaming like a girl) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I'm too young to die!!!! Spare me!!! (tries pulling Kouga in front of him for a shield)
Kouga: Dude, let go of me!!
(Miroku grabs bow just before Kikyou lets arrow fly; arrow hits ceiling and blasts a huge hole in it; a shower of dust and ceiling bits falls on the audience)
Miroku: (coughing) Kikyou, you can't kill, maim, or send audience members to hell. Remember the contract you signed when you agreed to be on the show?
Kikyou: … Fine. Inuyasha, we'll settle this after the show. (gives Inuyasha one final glare, then stomps offstage)
(Inuyasha whimpers pathetically; everyone stares at him)
Bankotsu: Looks like you got yourself a real winner there, Inuyasha.
Inuyasha: (barely visible under the pile of chair debris) SHE'S GONNA FRIGGIN KILL ME!SHE'S FRIGGIN NEUROTIC!!!!!
GDD: (consolingly) There, there, Inuyasha, it's not so bad being dead.
Inuyasha: (shaking) Easy for you to say. You got to do all sorts of things before you died, like getting laid! (starts sobbing) Will I die before I ever have sex????
Sesshoumaru: (looking at Inuyasha, smirking) …You're still a virgin?
Inuyasha: (pops his head out of the pile of wood and glares at Sesshoumaru) Oh, and you aren't???
Naraku: (rubbing Sesshoumaru's knee and grinning evilly) I'll bet you're really experienced, aren't you?
(Sesshoumaru looks at Naraku with an expression of disgust and jerks his knee away; Naraku cackles maniacally)
GDD: Ok, let's stop this conversation before I learn things that no parent ever wants to hear.
Miroku: Aww, and it was just getting good. (everyone stares at him) Umm… anyhoo, the next entrant is… (reads name on card, then makes a face)… Kagura, that one chick that hangs out with Naraku. Bleh.
(Kagura walks onstage and stands out of reach of Miroku; the only sound is that of a chirping cricket)
Kagura: (oblivious to the lack of applause) Oooh! Sesshoumaru! You came! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
Sesshoumaru: …Kami help me…
Kagura: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
Kouga: (to Inuyasha) Betcha 5 bucks she'll pass out before she's done.
Inuyasha: Not if Sesshoumaru kills her first!
Kagura: -ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!!
Kouga and Inuyasha: Dammit!
Naraku: (grabs Sesshoumaru possessively) Back off, wench! He's mine!
Sesshoumaru: Get off of me!
Kagura: (glaring at Naraku) You bastard! He's mine!
Naraku: (chuckling evilly) Kagura, you own nothing. What is yours is actually, in essence, mine! Muahahahahahahah!
Sesshoumaru: I belong to no one! (growls at Naraku) And will you stop trying to play with my nipples?!?
Miroku: (sigh) Ok, Kagura, we already know you want to boink Sesshoumaru, so you can leave now.
Kagura: I refuse to leave until Sesshoumaru is mine!!
Miroku: (removes prayer beads from wind tunnel) LEAVE, DAMMIT!!!
Kagura: AAAAAH! The tunnel of death!!! (runs offstage)
Miroku: Heh, that was fun! Ok, our next lady is Kanna, the creepy little white-haired girl with the mirror!
(Kanna slowly walks onstage, completely devoid of emotion and stands in the middle; Naraku claps a few times, then goes back to tormenting Sesshoumaru)
Miroku: …Umm… Is there anything you want to say, Kanna?
Kanna: …………….must….. steal….. souls……..
(everyone stares at her; Kanna stares back w/ a completely blank expression)
Miroku: …Ok, Kanna. Time for you to go offstage now.
(Kanna stares at Miroku for a moment, then shuffles offstage mumbling about souls; Miroku looks highly weirded out)
Shippou: She scares me!!
Miroku: Me too! But, the show must go on! Now we have Rin, the ridiculously cute human girl that travels with Sesshoumaru and annoys the piss out of Jaken!
(Rin comes skipping out onstage; Sesshoumaru tries to clap, but realizes he only has one hand; Shippou drops popcorn everywhere in his excitement)
Shippou: WOOOO! RIN!
Rin: (beaming) Yay! My friends are here!! (notices Naraku snuggling against Sesshoumaru) Oh! Lord Sesshoumaru, you've found a girlfriend? I'm so happy for you!
Naraku: (quite indignant) Insolent child! How dare you call me a girl!
Sesshoumaru: (yelling at the same time as Naraku) This fool is not my girlfriend! He's not even female!
Rin: (looking very confused) …oh. I thought he was your girlfriend cuz he was snuggling all over you and he's wearing makeup…
(Naraku goes into the sort of rage typical of deranged badgers; Sesshoumaru punches him in the face and knocks him out)
Rin: (shocked at Sesshoumaru's violence) Lord Sesshoumaru! That's not a very nice thing to do to your boyfriend!
Sesshoumaru: Rin, this freak is not my boyfriend either. He's not even a friend!
Rin: (thinking about it) oh… ok… (her eyes widen suddenly and she starts hopping from one foot to the other) I'm gonna go offstage now cuz I reeeally gotta go to the bathroom! (runs offstage)
Miroku: Alright, now that we've met all our entrants, we're going to—
Mystery Voice: Hey! I haven't come on yet!
Kouga: Huh. That sounds like…(trails off and gets scared look on his face) No!
Inuyasha: (has same look of terror as Kouga) Miroku! Call security!!
Miroku: (confused) Huh? What are you talking about? (looks offstage and gets horrified expression) KAMI SAVE US!!
(Miroku turns and starts to run; Jakotsu sprints onstage and tackles him)
Jakotsu: Miroku, you silly! You never introduced me!
Miroku: (struggling to get away) You're not on the list! Hell, you can't even be an entrant! You're a man!
Jakotsu: (looking slightly hurt) But I have the soul of a woman! Plus, I'm prettier than everyone else!
Sesshoumaru: No, I'm the prettiest here!
Jakotsu: (looks up at audience, surprised) Why, there are so many hotties here! I wanna get you all together in the dressing room and--
Miroku: (cuts him off) Well, it looks like we're going to go to a commercial break now! Stay tuned! (to someone offstage) Come get this freak offa me!