A/N—Okay. Don't stop me if you've heard this before; that's a good thing. Silly crap. Possibly funny. Probably a oneshot for now, though if I get any brilliant ideas for other Seuss favorites, they could show up.
And of course, I don't own Peacemaker Kurogane or Green Eggs and Ham. Though I don't see how I could own both, really… Perhaps Nanae Chrono is Dr. Seuss' secret identity. He just wanted everyone to think he was dead. (-Shifty eyes-)
Terms:
Red Bean Mochi: Not sure exactly what this is. Sweet bean paste or something like that… Well, the important part is that it's sweet and that it rhymes with Souji.
Baka: Idiot, stupid
Shinai: Practice sword
Edo: Present-day Tokyo, where Kondou's group was originally from.
Hokkaido: Far off frozen wastelands in northern Japan.
Kyoto: The current capital, where Shinsengumi HQ is located
Onto the randomness!
Red Bean Mochi (Also Known As: "Just Say No")
Hijikata Toshizou puffs serenely on his pipe in his room, relishing the quiet around Headquarters that patrol time and rainy days always bring. Consequently, today was both, making it even better. The calm made paperwork considerably easier and therefore considerably less dangerous, as easier also meant less-prone-to-frustration, which was lucky for any nearby members and a certain page who was lurking about.
Suddenly, he hears approaching footsteps, then the door sliding open, but he doesn't turn to look. There were few people who would do such a thing, and the intruder is quite quick to introduce himself anyway.
A scrawled sign is falls lightly onto his paperwork. It reads: "Okita Souji. Okita Souji." As if this didn't explain enough, a perky voice suddenly blasts into Hijikata's poor, unfortunate right ear, "I am Okita Souji!"
"Baka Souji, Baka Souji," Hijikata growls dangerously. "You'd better shut up, Okita Souji."
Undaunted as always, Okita smiles and pushes a plate of candy in front of his sign. "Do you like red bean mochi?" he asks happily.
Hijikata stares at him with annoyed ire both at his persistence and his stupid rhyme. Surely it wasn't only red bean mochi on the plate. It was all sorts of tooth-rotting brat-food. "I do not like it, Baka Souji," he answers with an impressive amount of calm. "I do not like red bean mochi."
With horror, Hijikata realizes that he just rhymed. Souji smiles wickedly as if that were a diabolical plan of his. He continues with, "Would you like it in Hokkiado or Edo?"
Hijikata slams a piece of paperwork that he had been looking over onto his desk. "I would not like them in Hokkaido or Edo. And I don't like them in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi. I do not like it, Baka Souji!"
With this, he storms away without looking back. Though his hopes of getting some paperwork done without any injuries have been dashed, he certainly does not want to be harassed by Souji, as he doesn't do paperwork. He slips into the Training Hall—the First Unit Captain seems to have given up—seeing that Kondou is watching as a few of the off-duty men quietly train. Hijikata makes to saunter to the Commander, but a figure dressed in raggedly training clothes thrusts a shinai innocently in his way. He turns to scold the man, but finds Okita grinning at him broadly, balancing the tray of sweets on his head.
"Would you eat it in the dojo?" he inquires politely, skipping about in his incessantly irritating, feminine manner. "Would you try it with Commander Kondou?"
With much self-control, Hijikata turns on his heel and leaves the safety of shelter, grabbing an umbrella sitting by the door and stomping out into the rain. Okita follows him for a bit, but stops when he growls at him. "I do not like it in the dojo, and I do not like it with Commander Kondo. I do not like it in Hokkaido or Edo. And I don't like it here in Kyoto. I do not like red bean mochi. I do not like it, Baka Souji!"
He proceeds to stomp through the streets of Kyoto, radiating negative energy. People hastily step out of his way, giving him a wider berth than usual. After getting away from Headquarters, be feels slightly better, but then catches glimpse of the Comedian Trio taking shelter from the cold rain under a large tree by the river. Undoubtedly, he thinks, they acting immeasurably stupid, and therefore, shirking off their duties as Shinsengumi. As the three of them are far easier to terrorize and loom over threateningly than Okita, he heads in their direction.
The three go pale as Shinpachi notices him coming, making his traditional "Oh crap!" face and tugging on the blue-and white haori of his friends. They make their scared faces too, but theirs aren't quite as satisfying to their Vice-Commander than freckled, wide-eyed, short-and-shrinking Shinpachi as he tries to disappear. His effort is much better than Harada's, either way. And yet, just as Hijikata is close enough to loom over them menacingly, Okita pops out of the tree, hanging upside-down and holding his plate right side up. Somehow he has managed to change back into his usual white yukata.
"Would you eat it in a tree? Would you eat it with Jokers Three?" He motions cheerily to his comrades, who have since sensed more danger than usual and look mortified at the fact that they have been noticed.
Hijikata lunges for Souji's long hair, but the Captain pulls upward just at the right time, then comes back down and stares at the man inquiringly. Thinking with what sanity he had left that it might be better to loose one of three than their best Captain, the irked Vice-Commander decides to throttle one of the Jokers first as a warning. But, to his dismay, they have fled. Trying hard, he finally just barks out, "Not in a tree! Not with those three! Not in the dojo, and not with Kondou! I wouldn't eat it in Hokkaido or Edo, and I will not eat it here in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like it, Baka Souji!"
But by then, his stalker has floated elsewhere. He looks around warily, and with good reason. He is suddenly scooped up onto a horse. Okita is steering the poor animal quite recklessly, and to make things worse, turns to him with one of his sweet, just-innocent-enough-to-maybe-actually-be-innocent smiles and presents the platter.
"Would you? Could you? On this horse? Try it? Try it! Yes, of course!" Taking his own answer for an answer rather than taking Hijikata's dangerous scowl for an answer, he grabbed a piece of candy and tried to poke it into the man's mouth.
He smacks Okita's hand away, causing him to drop the candy and mournfully watch it grow farther and farther away as the horse continues to move, pulling roughly on the reins of the horse. It stops with a whinny and the Demon slides off of it. "I could not, would not, on this horse." He informs the parasite menacingly.
"You might like it," Okita continues. "You will see. You might like them with…"
The Captain trails off, looking desperately for something to rhyme with. Hijikata smiles at his triumph… Until, of course, that stupid Buddha appears, walking along with that ridiculous abacus. "You might like them with Yamanami!" he finishes with vigor, halting the other man and stuffing candy into his mouth.
Hijikata ignores his fellow Vice-Commander, who may or may not have been choking, and glares up at Okita. "I would not, could not with Yamanami. Not on that horse! Souji! Let me be! I do not like it in a tree! I do not like it with those three! I do not like it in the dojo! I do not like it with Commander Kondou! I do not like it in Hokkaido or Edo, and I definitely don't like it in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like it, Baka Souji!"
Okita's face lights up as he focuses on something behind Hijikata. "A boat! A boat! A boat! A boat! Could you, would you, on a boat?" He grabs the man and hops into a passing boat, which is much smaller than the other man anticipated, as it rocks dangerously when they settle in. The man steering is not at all startled.
"No!" he snarls. "Not in a boat! Not with Yamanami! Not on a horse! Souji! Let me be! I would not, could not under a tree. I could not, would not, with those three. I will not eat it with Commander Kondou, and I will not eat it in the dojo. I will not eat it in Hokkaido or Edo. I will not eat it in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like it, Baka Souji!" He takes a swipe at Souji's head, but the man ducks out of the way just as they float under a bridge.
"Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark?"
"I would not, could not, in the dark," Hijikata informs him, trying hard not to go on with the rest of the whole rhyming list. Just as they exit from under the bridge (which he realizes really wasn't that dark underneath) his umbrella scrapes on the bottom of it and he drops it. "Damn…" he mutters, eyes glowing demonically as the cold rain washes over him.
"Would you, could you, in a coat?" Okita offers, pulling Hijikata's white and black haori out of thin air and holding it out to him.
"Souji!" he roars demonically, snatching his haori away and pulling his pipe from the folds of his black yukata. He attempts to hit Okita over the head with it, but he dances out of the way, rocking the boat everywhere. He looks as if he is about to ask something else.
Feeling as if he needs to clarify, Hijikata barks, "I would not could not, with a coat. Not in the dark, not in a boat! Not on a horse, not with Yamanami! I do not like sweets, Souji, you see. Not in a tree!" Before continuing, he decides to put the rest in an order so that they won't rhyme. "And…not in a dojo! Not with those three, and not with Commander Kondou! I will not try it in Edo or Hokkaido. I will not try it in Kyoto!" (With horror, he realizes that he rhymed anyway.)
"You do not like red bean mochi?" Okita asks sadly.
Hijikata is thrilled that the boy finally gets it. Perhaps he won't have to sentence the Captain to seppuku (on the terms of being extremely annoying) after all. "I do not like it, Okita Souji," he confirms.
The boy looks away dejectedly as if he is going to finally give up, but then spots an ornately dressed geisha walking on the side of the road and waves. "Could you, would you, with Sakura?" he asks, motioning to the woman.
"I would not, could not, with Sakura," he says, arms crossed as he hops off of the boat as it nears the bank of the river.
Okita follows and motions around them. The rain has stopped and bright lights and women surround them. "Would you, could you, in Shimabara?"
"I could not, would not in Shimabara!" he thunders, towering over Okita, who remains smiling. "I will not, will not with Sakura! I will not eat it with a coat! I will not eat it in a boat! Not in the dark! Not with Yamanami! Not on a horse! You let me be! I do not like it in a tree! I do not like it with those three! I will not eat it in the dojo! I do not like it with Commander Kondou! I do not like them in Hokkaido or Edo, and I do not like them in Kyoto! I do not like red bean mochi! I do not like sweets, Baka Souji!"
Okita waits, making sure that he does not have to duck or run away, then sighs serenely. "You don't like sweets, so you say. Try it! Try it! And you may. Try some and you may, I say."
"Souji!" Hijikata snaps, exasperated. "If you'll let me be. Then I'll try them, and then you'll…Damn! Then you'll know. Ha. That didn't rhyme."
Okita frowns but hands the plate of sweets off to him eagerly, leaning in close to watch. Hijikata looks at them with loathing. The comedian trio, Yamanami, Kondou and all of the commuters in Shimabara stop to watch with curious eyes. Hijikata moves his hand to the platter, hovering over the candies indignantly. Okita inches closer.
And then he slams the tray into the Captain's face, a snarl plastered on his own countenance. Everyone else flees in fear, screaming and then sprinting away.
"Ha!" he snaps triumphantly. "I told you I wouldn't try them, you jerk! Now stop screwing around and get back to work!"
Okita wipes himself clean and bows humbly, and yet, there is a wide, evil smirk splitting his face in two. "Of course," he says sweetly. "Anything for you, as this day couldn't have been blander…without you my dear, rhyming Vice-Commander."
He skips away happily to hunt for Choshu as Hijikata screams into the sky in exasperation, "I do so hate that red bean mochi! I hate you! I hate you, Baka Souji!"