Title: A Matter of Perspective, or, How Zoro Is Never Really Lost
Author: Xarciel
Words: 2454
Rating: K+
Pairings: none, gen.
Warnings: Some language, but nothing worse than the manga
Author's Notes: So... this was supposed to be a drabble for the onepiece300 prompt 'misunderstanding', but apparently I failed. Epically. But, since it was already so far over the limit, I decided to extend it into a full piece and post it anyway.
I've been trying to get back into writing lately, but my life's been so busy that I've barely had a chance to even look at AGA, so I apologise. Hopefully this will get me back in the spirit, and get my creative juices flowing. :)
"But how can you get your directions so wrong you useless shithead! What's wrong with you?"
"Shut up love-cook, there's nothing wrong with my sense of direction. The problem is nobody ever gives me directions correctly!" Zoro yelled, forehead pressed against Sanji's as they pushed and forth against each other, winding down an after dinner fight that had already raged across half the ship. Things had been tense since the attack of carnivorous, jumping elephants on the last island they'd landed at, and Sanji was more than a little fed up with their swordsman's insolent attitude- especially when it had almost gotten them all killed while they waited for him to find his way back to the ship.
"Oh, is that all? Well then o-mighty one, please, show me your great skills," Sanji sneered. Zoro leant back, taking up a handful of Sanji's- now ruined- shirt instead. Sanji kneed him in the stomach in retaliation, and Zoro backed up, moving back into a fighting stance, but without drawing any of his swords.
"Don't get all cocky with me swirly-brow! You're one of the worst! Always getting left and right mixed up, and whenever you say up you mean north!." Sanji leant back onto his heels, hands tucked in his pockets, poised to attack.
"I think you're confused shit-for-brains, the rest of us are fine. There's just something about your marimo DNA that's messed up your ability to live above water. You need to be re-educated to fit into acceptable society." He ran forward, ducking inside Zoro's guard and catching him in the side so he slid across the deck. Zoro caught himself on the ship's handrail and drew Wado, slicing at Sanji's legs as the other man dove in for the attack, the dulled thump of steel against leather resounding around the ship, unnoticed by their sleeping crewmates.
"What, didn't anybody ever teach you directions? I guess they thought an ogre like you was never going to go anywhere in life, so it probably didn't cross their minds." Sanji continued his insults, performing back handsprings along the handrail as Zoro attempted to slice through him, the second sword he'd drawn coming dangerously close to his head at one point, leaving a fine mist of blond hair in it's wake.
"Like a dartboard who can't even find his dream ocean can talk." Zoro made one final sweep at him before he was forced to abandon the railing, using the crossed swords as a springboard to land behind the swordsman. Zoro turned, and continued to drive him back, putting Sanji on the defensive as he deflected sword-strikes with his shoes.
"Better than a swordsman who started bounty-hunting because he left home and couldn't find his way back!" They were in the centre of the deck again now, the mast was on Sanji's left, and Zoro took the chance to fence him in, forcing him to duck closer to the obstacle to avoid whirling blades. Sanji feinted left before moving into a roundhouse, glaring as Zoro anticipated the move and blocked the attack, again angling him into the mast. His back bumped against it and Zoro darted in, aiming for a finishing strike as Sanji lined up a Poutrine.
There was a simultaneous collision of Sanji's foot over Zoro's heart, and Zoro's sword embedding itself in the wood between Sanji's elbow and chest, and suddenly everything stopped. Both of them were breathing hard- admittedly, they had been going at it for at least three hours, since everyone else had finished their activities for the night and gone to bed. It had been a good match, but it seemed like they'd both finally worn out their anger. At least for now.
Sanji pulled his hand out of his pocket, avoiding the sword inconveniently lodged in the wood at his side and lit up, leaning back against the mast, letting his foot drop from Zoro's chest. Zoro withdrew his sword, inspecting it for any damage before resheathing it, stepping back and yawning widely, scratching the back of his head casually.
Sanji exhaled, breathing out a thin stream of smoke in the cool night air. The plucking of guitar strings interrupting the silence from where Franky was on watch in the lookout-come-training-room. He'd lost interest in their match hours ago, and had been practicing ever since.
"Up for a drink marimo?" Sanji said calmly, shaking the tension out of his legs. He felt lethargic, and there was the pleasant buzz of a good fight that made him feel charitable to the lump-on-legs. As much as he hated to admit it, it was nice to have a sparring partner who he didn't have to go easy on, and who wasn't holding back either. It also helped that it was very easy to get angry at him most of the time.
Zoro didn't reply, but followed him into the galley anyway. Of course he'd be up for booze. He picked a decent vintage red wine for himself- he'd picked it up a few ports ago for a good price, and a cheap bottle of sake for Zoro- it was the only thing the man enjoyed drinking, anyway. He brought the bottles over to the table, setting out two glasses and filling his own. He was unsurprised, though still somewhat disappointed, when Zoro completely forwent any concept of manners and just pulled the cork out with his teeth, guzzling a third of the liquid in one, long motion.
They drank in silence for a few minutes, the moments after their fights the only time on the ship that they were never at each others throats. As he refilled his glass Sanji thought back to their argument during the fight. Normally all they said was meaningless banter, but there was one thing the swordsman had said that seemed more genuine than the others.
"Oi, Zoro," he said, watching as the other man lazily took another long sip from his bottle. Zoro raised an eyebrow at him. "What'd you mean before, when you said I mean north when I say up?"
Zoro looked at him blankly. Sanji took one last breath of his cigarette before grinding it into the ashtray in the middle of the table, purposefully nonchalant.
"You hard of hearing cook?" He said after a moment. "You, and the others too, are always getting your directions wrong, and then when I try to follow them you make out that I'm the idiot. It's damned annoying." Zoro's pouted- or as close as a troll like Zoro could get anyway, his expression a combination of irritation and resignation.
There was no sign at all that he was bullshitting.
Sanji took a deep drink to hide his amazement. Shit, what had this guy's town done to him to mess him up so badly?
"So, Zoro," he said then, in a drawl, "tell me then, which was is up?" Zoro paused for a moment, before tilting his bottle towards Sanji.
"That way," he said. Sanji looked at him curiously.
"You mean forwards?"
"No, I mean up. Like when you go up a street, or up a hill. You keep walking straight."
Sanji hoped that his 'god-damn it you're an idiot' face wasn't too obvious.
"So then down is-?"
Zoro threw a thumb over his shoulder.
"It's the opposite. You know, when you go down the street, or when someone says the quality of something has gone downhill."
Sanji took another drink.
"And which way is left?" He asked, already concerned about the answer.
Zoro pointed to the right.
"And right?"
He pointed to the left.
Sanji didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He could do both, he supposed, if he just laughed till he was in tears.
"They taught us this trick on my island," Zoro said while swirling his sake bottle, without waiting for Sanji's prompt, "that teaches you left from right. You put your hands in front of you, and the one with the 'L' is the left side. Didn't anyone ever teach you something like that?"
Sanji was familiar with that trick- in fact, it was the same way he'd learnt. But, if that was the case, how the hell had the swordsman gotten it wrong?
"Hands huh?" He feigned ignorance. "I just had to learn- no special tricks or magic words. You wanna show me?" Zoro gave him a disbelieving look, and Sanji schooled his reflexively glaring face behind his drink. He was still in a good mood, and he didn't feel like going back to bitching when there was still more he wanted to find out about their directionally challenged moron. He could not possibly have gone wrong with this one. Last time Sanji had checked, the thumb placement of the marimo lifeform had matched that of ordinary humans.
Zoro didn't move for a moment, obviously considering just how demeaning it would be to show off a children's trick to the guy who regularly gave him the most shit for anything on the ship. Still, they were both in a good mood, and Sanji had voluntarily given him booze, so a minute later Zoro dropped his bottle on the table and slowly raised his arms, holding his hands out in front of him, palms up.
"See," he said, indicating his right hand, where an 'L' shape was clearly visible between his thumb and forefinger. "It's an 'L'."
… Oh.
Well... that was understandable.
Or understandable for an idiot like Zoro anyway.
Sanji nodded in appreciation, finishing his wine.
"Okay, I get it," he said, refilling his glass. "So did all the kids on your island learn this way?" The image of an island full of people holding their hands up while trying to read a map came to Sanji's mind. Zoro shrugged.
"I didn't really know many of the other kids on my island. So I don't know." Zoro finished his bottle, looking at it forlornly as he held it between his fingers. "Why're you so hung up on this tonight anyway dartbrow?" Zoro switched his attention to the wine rack, looking for another bottle.
Sanji ignored the question, instead pouring him a glass from his own wine bottle, to keep him from raiding the rest of the collection. Zoro's face was unappreciative, but he took it anyway.
"Okay marimo- one more question. Which way's north?" Sanji drank from his own glass, and resisted the urge to call Zoro a classless ape when his face grimaced after tasting the wine. The man could down spirits in a heartbeat, but give him anything with body and flavour and he lost his nerve. Talk about ridiculous.
Zoro put down the glass, only half empty, and yawned again, stretching out, before pointing lazily towards the ceiling.
"It's north, like the North Star. Crap this stuff is bad." He added as a non-sequitur, picking up the wine again, eyes still flickering to the wine rack. Sanji felt the urge to kick him in the head rising again. Clearly they were nearing the end of their camaraderie phase.
"North Star?" Sanji asked, trying to recapture his attention. Zoro looked at him, before focussing on the wine again.
"The brightest star. Near Luffy's favourite 'Meat' constellation." He downed the last of the wine, nose wrinkling as he did.
"Shithead, if you don't want it don't drink it," Sanji said, finishing the last of his own glass. North Star huh? Sanji knew which one he meant. They called it the Pole Star in North Blue. Interesting.
Zoro snorted.
"Che- well if you weren't so stingy with letting me drink I wouldn't have to drink your froo-froo shit anyway."
"Well if you weren't such a disgusting ox you might have something else to do with your time rather than trying to raid my wine rack non-stop." Sanji replied.
Zoro glared at him, and Sanji leant back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest, daring Zoro to challenge him.
It looked like he was considering it, but a moment later Zoro stood up, pushing the chair out and stomped over to the door.
"Whatever shit-cook, it's too late for your bullshit. I'm'a hit the sack." Zoro slammed the door as he left and Sanji gave him the finger as Zoro glared at him through the porthole as he walked away.
Things were back to normal.
Sanji collected the bottles and glasses, and quickly cleaned up the galley before going outside for one last cigarette before bed.
Well. That had certainly been an enlightening conversation. To think that Zoro wasn't just a complete idiot- in this case, at least- but was genuinely misinformed.
Still, it was time to call it a night. He had plenty of ammunition for their next fight now, and there'd definitely be time to call Zoro out on his stupidity another day. For now, all he wanted to do was go south to the boys room and curl north in bed.
Omake:
"Okay everyone, so we'll meet up at the hotel in 4 hours. Remember, it's 5 blocks north, turn right and follow that street until you see the sign on the left. Got it? Oh, and Zoro- don't go off on your own. We can't afford for you to get lost."
"Woman! I do not-"
"Nami-saaaaan~ fear not, I'll take care of the directionless-marimo~"
"Oi- no you will not. I can-"
"Thank you Sanji-kun. Robin and I are going shopping, we'll see you boys in a few hours!"
"Shishishi- see ya guys! Usopp, Chopper and I are going on an adventure!"
"Yow! Have fun young-bro's! Bones-bro and I are going to explore the local music district."
"..."
". . ."
". . ."
"Oi, crap cook. I've got better things to do with my time than-"
"Shut up marimo. Trust me, I have no intention of spending my free time around your ugly mug."
"Oh, and what about your precious Na- what is this?"
"It's directions shithead. Especially for you. 5 blocks up, turn left and go up that street till you see the sign on your right. Lose that paper and I'll kick your ass."
"Whatever. See you curly-brow."
"I mean it idiot! Lose that and you're dead!"
When Zoro showed up perfectly on time 4 hours later Sanji refused to give himself a pat on the back. After all, he wasn't really sure acquiring fluency in 'Idiot Swordsman' was something worth celebrating.
Author's Notes: Interesting fact: did you know elephants are one of the only mammals that can't jump? But, since this is One Piece, I figure anything's possible, so it was worth including the bouncing pachyderms.
Another interesting fact: Even though I'm Aussie, as a kid one of the shows I loved was Rugrats, and one of the episodes I remember best is the one when they go camping in their backyard and have to use the North Star to find their way home. I've always thought that Zoro's attempt to go north in Alabasta was because he was following the OP version of the North Star... Up a staircase.
In fact, directionless Zoro is one of my favourite things in the entirety of OP, so when 'misunderstanding' came up as a prompt it was the first thing I wanted to do. What was sad though was that as I was writing it I actually started to get confused between Zoro's idea of directions and the real ones, and I had to look at my own hands to check I had them right. Oh dear. X3