Stef suddenly woke up. She tried to roll over and go back to sleep but she couldn't, something in her didn't real right. Her mind was on high alert, she felt sort of dizzy, her mouth all dry. She felt like she was going to die. She stayed quiet, careful not to wake Lena. The last thing she needed was for Lena to worry about her.
It's the third night Stef had woken up with anxiety, but this night was different. The night before last, she just couldn't sleep, she was overthinking about everyone and everything, she stayed up until 5am, crashing at 9am and sleeping until noon. It's a good thing she took off this week. The next night, yesterday, she was overcome with emotion, her body was shaking, jittery, she had the unexpected feeling of her chest being ripped open, exposed to everyone. She went to the bathroom, turned on the shower and just cried. She didn't want Lena to see or hear her cry, no matter how much she wished for Lena to just hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but it wasn't okay, because yet again, Stef was sitting up in bed trying to find a way to relieve her anxiety.
She sighed and laid back down. She turned away from Lena, then she turned to face her. She tried to pick out what she loved most about Lena. To calm her, using a method called Grounding. She loved the way Lena would sometimes laugh in her sleep. It always made Stef smile. The way Lena lotioned up before bed, always smelling like apples from her body wash, her hair like coconut, and her lotion cocoa butter. Stef always got high from just the smell of Lena. She longed to have contact with Lena, should she wake her up? Would Lena be upset? She decided against it. Something just didn't feel right. Her anxiety would not win tonight. She drank some water hoping that would help, her mouth only became dryer. She looked for something to relieve her. She took some Benadryl from the medicine cabinet, nothing. A few more minutes passed. Stef yawned and decided to go to sleep again. Wrong. Stef tried to go to sleep again. She got up again and paced the room. She tripped over one of her shoes. The ones Lena was always telling her to pick up. She caught herself before she fell. She groaned and let out a curse.
"Babe? You okay?" a soft voice came out. It sounded more like a sleep induced mumble. Stef turned to look at her wife, who was now sitting up to see what was going on. "Y-yeah Love, go back to sleep. I'm okay." Stef went over and kissed Lena's forehead, letting it linger. Lena took both of Stef's hands in her own. "Are you having a panic attack? Your hearts racing. Palms clammy. It's okay Stef. I'm up. I'm right here for you." Lena kissed her woman's knuckles. Stef bit her lip and looked away from her. She felt guilt over Lena waking up and saying this to her. No matter how Lena said it, or how much love Lena gave her, something in the back of her mind was telling her that it wasn't real, how could Lena possibly still love her through all of this. Stef looked completely zoned out, battling it out with her inner demons.
Lena noticed and stroked her cheek. Stef flinched. She actually flinched. "I'm okay, really. Go to sleep Lena. I'm just going to get some water." Stef said as a tear fell from her eyes.
This was getting the best of her. She felt so weak. She tried to get up. Her legs just wouldn't let her. She didn't understand how her body could just stop her from doing something. She took a deep breath and let out a small sob. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" She cried.
Lena wrapped her arms around her tightly. She peppered her face and neck with sweet kisses. Anything to calm her down. Stef cried in Lena's neck. Lena sat there holding her, whispering loving and calming words to help Stef calm down. Stef eventually stopped crying.
She tried to avoid looking at Lena but she knew she had to when Lena spoke. "What's going on baby? This is the third night in a row you've had anxiety. I wanted you to come to me on your own. I knew if I had interfered it would've made it worse. Don't be afraid to come to me okay? I'm your wife. There's nothing you could do that would make me love you any less. Anxiety isn't something that just goes away, it takes your control away and control is everything to you Stef."
Lena adjusted herself so Stef could lay on top of her. She rubbed her back taking deep breaths with her for Stef to follow. Stef calmed enough to lay there in Lena's arms. Lena got up, Stef clung to her waist. "Don't leave me." She said in a small voice that was much unlike the usual bold, cop she was.
Lena held Stef's hand and led her to the bathroom. She did what she knew might help Stef. She ran her a bath, and lit a lavender candle. She then went to the kitchen to make her some tea. Once that was done, she undressed Stef. Slowly and in a caring way, nothing sexual about it. She undressed herself and got them both into the tub. She sat behind Stef, Stef leaning into. Their combined hands at Stef's waist. Lena pressed random kisses to her neck and shoulders. For once Stef felt like she was going to be okay. If she couldn't have the control, Lena could. Her heart rate slowed down to a normal one. Her anxiety starting to dissipate. Lena got them out and wrapped a towel around herself, then wrapping a huge fluffy towel around Stef. She pecked her wife's lips and cupped her cheek swiping a small tear away with her thumb. She led Stef back into their bedroom drying them off and dressing Stef in an oversized shirt and shorts. She then put her own pajamas on, a tank top and her underwear.
Sometimes Stef needed to relinquish control to help herself. Sometimes Lena needed to step in and help with that. The couple laid in their bed. Stef finally drifting off to sleep, with Lena not too far behind her.