DANGER MOUSE:
A WRENCH FOR PEANUTS
(contains spoilers for "The Duckula Show")
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
Duckula sat alone in his cell, eager to scratch his beak. Unfortunately for him, he was clad in special irons, ones which covered all of his fingers. Nobody trusted the Duck with his hands, especially when he was allowed near a laptop. Or worse, when he was allowed near a bag of peanuts with which he could persuade our writer's room into weaving together any sort of wicked world he could come up with.
"Prisoner D.T, you got a visitor" said the guard on the opposite end of the cell, unlocking the door to pave the way for the unexpected guest.
As soon as Duckula locked eyes on the visitor, he wished he could spit some saliva into his free hands and use it to slick his hair straight back so he'd look more attractive.
Of all the millions in the world he had been hoping to impress with his latest reality-bending stunt, this one in a million wonder was the reason he got up that faithful morning. And boy did she look ravishing when she was angry.
"I am in no mood for a meet-and-greet" said a cold and crass Jeopardy Mouse, pushing a script in front of the count's face.
"I want to know why you wrote this in" she said, pointing to a series of words and actions that were a little too gross, and a little intense, for prime time CBBC viewing.
"You are aware this show is available on Netflix right?" said Duckula to me, your humble narrator.
Yes, I'm aware it is, but it's still an all-ages show, there's no room for any exclusive shows that bypass that rule.
"A straight answer Duck...do you know it is a class F offense to try and bend a government operative's will to your own?" Jeopardy snapped back.
"I bet you know a lot of things beginning with F Ms. Mouse...frisky, feminist, fabulous, it's how you maintain your public image, do tell me which one of those goes with the letter in that particular offense?" said Duckula.
"Oh you can read me like a book can you?" said Jeopardy, her anger building.
"I read everyone from cover to cover while my monkey minions were rewriting reality to my liking, I there's nothing about a lot of them that surprises me...but your story is what really fascinates me. You're wasted on this show and its leads, you deserve your own spin-off" Duckula said.
"Oh no, you can't buy me that easily...I mean, you can't buy me at all" said Jeopardy, quickly correcting herself.
"Ah, so you CAN be bought, most interesting. Obviously I can't pay up while I'm in here, so why don't you buy me the one thing I can't presently afford...my freedom" Duckula said, his eyes gazing hypnotically into Jeopardy's own, circular imagery swirled in and around his pupils.
Resist it Jeopardy, think of the lives you'll disrupt if you set the count loose. I may never narrate anything semi-coherent about this nonsensical show again. And worse, what if the authors on those fanatic fan fiction sites decides to start writing, I dare shudder, stories about the two of you?
"Keep out of this you naive narrative nitwit" said Duckula, the utter cheek of him!
Just as well I'm here to remind him of that itch he's yet to find a cure for, as it hastens its irritable impact on his body.
"Rats trapped in cheddar, I can't concentrate with how itchy I am" snapped Duckula.
"Something the matter Count?" said Jeopardy as she seized the opportunity provided by the distraction to shake herself free of the count's transfixing gaze.
"Oh nothing a little scratch won't cure, but I'm helpless in that area as you can see" said Duckula, raising his shackled hands to the agent's face.
"That's something you can't escape" she said.
"Yes, it'd help if you could unshackle me, then we can proceed with the risky business of setting up a spin-off for just the two of us" said Duckula.
"Well, you DID save my life from the Baron, in less time and effort than it ever takes Danger Mouse..." she said, her hand reaching out to his beak. As she scratched it, Duckula breathed in a sigh of sheer ecstasy.
"You know, I used to have a Nanny for these sorts of things" he confessed.
"I read up on your file...her arm was in a sling...you have anything to do with that?" asked Jeopardy.
"Please, I like to think of myself as a social justice worrier...I mean warrior. I'm all about women looking strong and sturdy. If anything, my Nanny showed that even with a disability, she could hang with the best and worst of me and my lot"
"So what happened to her?" Jeopardy asked.
"I'm not sure, all I can remember from the last time I saw her was 'The Butler did it'" he said.
"You feeling better?" asked Jeopardy as she continued to scratch the beak.
"I'm free of the itch, yep" said Duckula.
"Then our time is up" Jeopardy said, turning to walk away.
"Where are you going? I gave you the promise of the world, and here you are with an empty one" said a perturbed Duckula.
"Forget it Duck, I just gave you what you wanted, a cure for the itch, and the only sort of personal freedom you'll ever be guaranteed when you're serving time" she said.
As our admirable American agent walked out of the cell door, Duckula sat down on the edge of his cell bed and lowered his head, the sting of humiliation washing over him.
Still, he couldn't help but realise Jeopardy had gotten incredibly calm around him.
In fact, when she steadily realised he had been manipulating her speech after he 'rescued' her earlier, she was only mildly annoyed, only getting angry long after the show had ended.
Perhaps she WAS grateful that he had stepped in to rescue her, and she just didn't want to show affection for a felon in front of her superiors, and to maintain her image.
Maybe this interpretation of these events was all in his head.
If it was, he applauded whatever had written it in.
Perhaps there's one monkey out there who didn't mind supplying this show with a bit of a wrench in exchange for peanuts.