Just because I've written soooo many Reid fics this Morgan one sort of caught my interest and decided to write a Morgan one shot for a change :) PLEASE review! I'm really excited about this story!
His face still haunted him, in his dreams.
"You could have said no" still rang in his ear.
He sighed as he poured a cup of coffee and tried to focus. Get his mind on the case.
It was hard not to have the memories resurface when they were dealing with a children who were being raped and molested.
He saw Emily walk up to him, her concern smile showing. Her eyes glowed with worry and sympathy.
"Are you okay?" She placed her hand on his. It felt good to be touched. Not to feel alone. And yet he wanted to jerk away, why was that? He swallowed.
"Yeah, fine." He knew his eyes were distant, because he was distant. She looked at him.
"You're lying."
"We're not supposed to profile each other," he retorted sharply, more harshly than he thought.
"It doesn't take a profile to know that was a lie," she responded in surprising calmness. Her eyes were earnest. They wanted to help, she wanted to help. He wanted so desperatly to let her in...but he couldn't. He was too afraid. Afraid of getting close to anyone. He faced the counter and stared at the sink in front of him. The faucet dripped slowly.
"So...Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" She kept her voice soft, gentle.
He sighed.
"I wish I could...Em. I really do...I just...can't." His voice cracked at the last word. She slowly nodded as she tried to understand.
"Well, I'm here if you need somone to talk to." He nodded slowly as she squeezed his hand before she left. Her touch lingered. He wanted to feel it again. To feel close to someone. To not be alone.
The cabin was so remote. Carl had took him in. He wanted him to take off his wet clothes from swimming and dry himself off. at At thirteen he was too innocent to be phased by it, to be at all suspicious.
He should have known better. He had to grow up quicker than most kids. He should have saw it coming. He should never have trusted Carl at all.
"Don't you want to feel good, Derek? I can help you feel good."
He pushed those thoughts out of his head.
No, he couldn't think about that now. Think about those kids.
That little boy who was only 8 who had been molested. He needed Morgan's help now. He had to pull it together for the little boy. He grabbed his keys on the counter and left. He had to focus now. Focus on the present, not the past.
The past had a funny way of sneaking up on a person, though.
He walked to the hospital to the little boy's room. Hotch and Rossi were there, talking to his mother in hushed tones. He could only hear snippits of the conversation as he scooted in. Hotch eyed him carefully. Both of them knew that Hotch knew how personal this case was for Morgan. Morgan thanked him with his eyes for not saying anything.
Hotch slowly nodded. He could sense Morgan wanted to be alone with the boy.
"Our Agent Morgan wants to ask your son some questions, ma'am," he told the mother. "It'll be easier for your son to answer them in private." Slowly she nodded, the week's exhaustion showing on her otherwise young face. She glanced at Morgan and nodded again, this time more trusting. Almost as if she sensed something. She folded her arms and Rossi gently led her out, Hotch followed. He lingered behind, though, as he and Morgan once again spoke through eye contact before leaving.
He settled into the chair. The boy stared at him, still unsure of what to say around people.
"You hungry?" Morgan asked suddenly. The boy shook his head quietly. "You're names Nicky, right?"
The boy nodded. It pained Morgan to see how young Nicky was. Thank god he wasn't raped at didn't make the experiences any less traumtizing, he should know better than anyone.
"Hey Nicky, you can call me Derek."
"What...what do you want to know?"Nicky asked, in a small voice that quavered.
"Nothing, nothing at all. It's something I want to tell you."
Confusion filled Nicky's face.
"I just...I want you to know...Nicky..."Morgan's throat cloased. He found it difficult to speak, to breathe. "I want you to know...that it's not your fault, what happened. It doesn't make you wrong or a bad person."
Nicky turned his head to face the window, blinking back tears.
"Nicky." Morgan touched Nicky's hand but the boy jerked it away. That momentarily startled Morgan. "Nicky look at me...LOOK at me Nicky." Slowly Nicky obeyed. "It's not your fault," he repeated, trying to keep his voice steady.
"How do you know?" Challeneged Nicky.
Morgan sighed.
"Because the same thing happened to me."
The boy's eyes widened and he nodded.
"That's right, I was molested too...Nicky. This happened to me too."
Nicky was silent as he absorbed this information.
"How...How old were you?"
"13. The man who did it was like a father to me. " Morgan let the tears flow from his cheeks. The tears that needed to escape. "He had a cabin where he took certain kids from the Y...I didn't say anything cause he was helping out my family, they were going through a rough time after my real father died..." He swallowed and saw that Nicky was had listened to every word, almost as if he was trying to absorb everything.
"I'm sorry," Nicky said quietly.
"So am I, kid. I just needed you to know that you're not alone. There are more of us out there than you think. And it is not your fualt."
Nicky slowly nodded.
"Do you believe me?"
Nicky hesitated and than said firmly, and truthfully. "Yes." Morgan nodded. It was as if a load had been taken off of him. he felt lighter somehow.
"What's...going to happen now?" Nicky asked, obviously still scared.
"We're going to hunt the bastard who did this to you and lock him up for life." He decided to swear, for once, in front of a kid. Nicky didn't seemed phased by it, only relieved that the plan was spoken outloud.
"Good." He nodded. "Good." He looked at Morgan. "You know...I am kind of hungry."
A smile fell from Morgan's face.
"You know what kid? So am I?"
They both smiled at each other.
Emily rushed towards Hotch, concern in her. She wanted to help Morgan, but Morgan wouldn't let her in. It frusterated and confused her.
"Hotch, I need to talk to you."
"About what?" Hotch sighed, the days exhaustion eating him up.
"About Morgan...and why he's been having trouble sleeping and focusing...why this case is more personal for him then others."
Hotch looked at her.
"It's not my secret to tell."
"PLEASE! I want to help! He won't let me in and..I need to know so I can help him!" She was on the verge of tears and he quickly ushered her into his office. "Morgan trusts me," he said quietly. A tear fell from her face.
"He needs someone to talk to, Hotch," she whispered. "Please, just TELL me! I...need to know."
He rubbed his forehead.
"You're not going to stop until you find out, are you?"
She shook her head.
"Fine...I really don't feel right about doing this, though."
"Please," she begged again. "I just want to help him. He seems to be carrying so much alone."
He nodded.
"Morgan does carry a lot. That's who he is." He sighed. "You can't tell anyone else."
"I won't," she said quickly.
"All right, at the age of 13 Morgan was molested more than once by a man called Carl Budford."
Her mouth fell open.
"The man he arrested for molesting all those kids at the Y in Chicago a few years ago?"
"The very one. He never told anyone because the man was helping him with his family and didn't want all the good things the Y did for his family to go away."
Emily closed his eyes.
It all made sense. How affected he was by the molestation of these kids. How angry he was at any case involving a child being raped or molested.
"It all makes sense," she whispered. He nodded. "But...I don't understand...why didn't he tell us? Why is he ashamed of it?"
"Derek is a prideful and private man. He is ashamed he ever let Carl into his life and his familes. He also doesn't like everyone to know everything, or anything,about his pesronal life. And I hope you explained how strongly you presisted in me telling you his secret."
She nodded and turned as she saw Morgan had walked into the building.
"Trust me, I will,"she promised and quickly left. Hotch sighed and rubbed his forehead again, praying that sleep would come soon. And that soon this case would be over.
She quickly rushed towards him. Morgan looked surprised at the sense of urgency.
"Em, what is it?" She pulled him into a private corner and hugged him.
"What was that for?" Morgan asked, even more surprised.
"I know," she whispered softly into his ear. Anger filled him, and so did shock and fear. So many emotions rolled into one.
"Hotch," he muttered. She nodded and looked at him.
"Don't be angry at him, I pratically forced him to tell."
"Why?" His voice was filled with accusation, accusation and fear.
"Because." She took his hand and kissed it. "Because I want to help. Because you're not alone...Because I am so so sorry this happened to you Morgan...but this wasn't your fault." He turned his head but she made him look at her again. "No, Morgan, I mean it! You always tell these kids that this isn't their fault but I don't think you believe that for yourself! What makes you so different, from them, Morgan?"
He was unable to speak. He could only stare at her, terrified of what was about to happen.
"Carl Budford did a horrible, horrible thing and he deserved to pay for his crimes. You don't deserve to pay for them as well!"
He swallowed.
"Em..."
"I mean it, Morgan. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong and you still have done nothing wrong. You've actually accomplished a lot for yourself, Morgan. More than most people. How many would pick this field to work in? How many want to help? You're a better person than you give yourself credit for, Derek Morgan. And I'm not going to let you blame yourself for what happened anymore."
Unable to stop himself he leaned in and kissed her. She stood there, stunned.
"Thank you," he said softly. It was her turn to swallow.
"You're welcome," she murmured back and it his turn to squeeze her hand as he left, but when he did she saw a smile on his face and as he left the feeling of their kiss still lingered between both of them.
He walked away slowly. Should he have kissed her? He didn't know. It seemed rash and impuslive and probably was a mistake, but one thing was for certain...it was time to stop lingering in the past and stop blaming himself. As he closed the door to the breifing room and waited for everyone else to arrive, for the first time ever the face of Carl Budford that had haunted him for so many years slowly started to vanish as he realized that the future was going to come whether he wanted to or not and he sure as hell didn't want to spend it alone.
Later that evening, for the first time in years, Derek Morgan slept a peaceful and dreamless sleep.