Sam, Deconstructed
K Hanna Korossy

Addiction: it's such an ugly word.

Okay, so Dean was right about that part. No question I need the blood now to keep going. But so what? If that's the cost of getting strong, of being able to end all this—Lilith, the curse on our family, the threat to Dean, the countdown to the Apocalypse—how could I say no? Dean's blind if he expects me to.

My…abilities already saved him once. He never would've survived Alastair if I hadn't killed the son of a bitch. Saved Castiel, too, for that matter. You'd think they'd be grateful.

But…Dean. The look in his eyes, when he saw me after I fed on the demon? It was like I…revolted him. Betrayed him. It still bothers me.

Doesn't he get it? He made a deal like this too, once, gave up himself knowing he was hurting his brother in the process but willing to do it for his brother and the world. Can't the hypocrite see this isn't any different? I'll do whatever it takes to keep Dean alive and out of Hell. Even…even if he ends up hating me for it. I just, I hope it won't be too much for him to forgive when it's over. If I survive it at all, which is starting to seem like a long shot. But I'm going to do it. It's my turn to sacrifice now.

And, yeah, it does feel good to be in control for once, after a lifetime of being powerless, at the mercy of Evil forces. I'm tired of having everyone else plan out my life.

But saving everyone: that's the main reason I'm doing this. Really.

00000

Bobby shouldn't have done that.

I can still feel the vibration up my arm of the gunstock hitting Bobby's face. We're trying to help you, Sam, he'd said, and I believed him. He thought he was doing the right thing. I wish it hadn't gone that far, that Bobby hadn't pushed me. I wouldn't have had to take him out if they'd—he'd—just let me go.

He was it, y'know? The only one left besides Dean who cared whether I live or die. It wasn't how I wanted to leave him.

'Least I can do is ditch this car I borrowed somewhere where he'll get it back. I don't expect him to forgive me, not after I practically broke his jaw, but…

You know what? Screw it. I'm doing this for him, too, and if he doesn't get that, well, that's his problem. Not like I'm going to see him again, probably. This is a one-way ticket I signed up for, I know that.

It's just…it's not how I wanted to say goodbye.

00000

Cindy's still alive when I start drinking.

It makes the blood taste unexpectedly bitter, but I'm not drinking it for my health so I keep going. Try not to feel her feeble struggles.

"That's it, Sam," Ruby croons behind me, and I wish I were draining her dry instead of…

I just, I kept telling myself I was still human, that maybe I was drinking demon blood but I hadn't let it change me. But Dean…Dean said I'm a monster now, and…I think he's right. I'm feeding off an innocent woman, and all I can think about is the power surging through me. The kid-me that popped up in the panic room, he probably would've killed himself to keep from becoming the me right now.

It doesn't change anything. I still have to do this. One person versus the whole world? It's not even a question. And the more I drink, the less it matters. I'm committed. I'm strong. Cindy's sacrifice is gonna let me save everyone. She'd have agreed if she'd known.

But I don't look at her when I step away. Because some stupid, weak part of me—maybe the human part—still shudders at what I've done.

00000

Dean was crying when I left the room.

I remember it through the long hours that follow, the countdown to Lilith and the end of all this. And I'm starting to hope I don't survive it, because I've burned too many bridges to go back.

Dean was the last one. I don't…I don't know exactly what happened in that hotel, how I could've al-almost killed him. All this, everything I've done, everything I've given up, it's all been for him. And then I…I just about killed him.

I can't get the weak sobs out of my head, not even after I hear his final words to me, echoes of Dad's from years ago. I deserve them this time, I know; I turned on him first. But I guess…maybe I hoped he'd love me enough to see me through this freak show. I was starting to think there wasn't anything he wouldn't forgive me. And it hurts worse than any perversion I've committed, any tie I've broken. At least when Dean left me behind, I knew he still loved me.

The only hope I have left is that he'll finally get why I did all this after I'm gone.

00000

Everything changes.

Dean appears just as I'm starting to take down Lilith. He doesn't sound like he's here to kill me, even calls me "Sammy," and I feel a joy I haven't felt for…months.

It can't compare even to when Lilith finally falls over dead. There's exultation and relief, though, and I turn to share it with Dean, only to find the doors closed and Dean banging on them.

And then Ruby starts talking.

I told Dean to trust me. My instincts, my knowledge, my pride all said this was right. I picked Ruby over my own brother, I was so sure.

But I was…I'm wrong. Totally, horrifyingly, earth-shatteringly wrong.

I sold my soul to a demon to save my brother, left him broken and alone as a result. But instead of dying and going to Hell like Dean did, like I'd been prepared to, I've brought Hell to me. Maybe the end would've justified the means, but what if the end's even worse? Not only was it all for nothing, it was for Evil's triumph.

Dean stands inches from me, his hand wrapped in my shirt as Lucifer's cage opens…and I still have nothing left.

Nothing.

TBC in Sam, Reconstructed