Chapter One- The Board Is Set
Authors note: This fic is meant to be a humorous thing, ie; not to be taken seriously. I am not personally attacking any writers of Mary-Sues (whether ye be good or bad) or trying to make them stop writing Mary-Sues. Personally, I think that MS fics can be amazing, if you make them right! So keep writing! Have an insanely beautiful, modern girl snog every elf in Middle Earth and some Rangers on the side if you feel like it! Just take a few moments, sit back, and try to revel in the hilarious-ness of Ellanora's situation… : )
Warning: Sue-lovers, proceed with caution, as the following may be hazardous to your health. Enjoy!
/Fanfare of Gondorian trumpeters/ Announcer: Ahem. The conniving authoress, bearing the sacred disclaimer!
Flying-Elwing: Thank you! Okay people, here it is- I own Ellanora (plus the other non-Tolkien-esque characters I guess), and my box of Cheez-its. Tolkien and Co. own the rest. Got that? Excellent. Commencing story…
- - - - - - - - - - -
"I do solemnly take this privileged oath on the day of February twenty-third: to uphold the values of good writing and proper-ish grammar at all possible times, to do all in my power to prevent the abuses of fanfiction writing, to always facilitate the destruction and incapacitation of all those deemed by the said Order as unfit to procure said writings, and to serve in my position as the executive of the Most Honourable Order of S.P.A.M. to the best of my ability: a position that many deem necessary, but few have the courage to uphold, with liberty and swift justice for all."
"Ellanora Drake, I accept your pledge of fealty and do herby bequeath to you the office of Executive Director for the Most Honourable Order of S.P.A.M. May you serve respectably and well." Emilie handed me the pink file folder, my bright pink laptop computer, and the cupcake. And that was it. I was the Exec. The head honcho. The supreme ruler of the entire world!
Okay, maybe not that last one.
"I'm glad that's over with." I sighed with a grin, setting down my folder and computer onto one of the cardboard boxes in my family's house and pulling up a patch of floor next to my friends, Emilie, Alex, Clark, Ryan, and Bella. It was the humorous meeting of the group me and my friends had formed over the winter break out of sheer boredom, the Society for the Prevention of Appalling Mary-Sues, or the Order of S.P.A.M as we called it. Our mission tends to be pretty self explanatory from the title: destroy, forcibly abdicate, and prevent all writings of all the really bad Mary-Sue Tolkien fanfics we find on the internet. A VERY amusing pursuit for free time.
"Me too," Emilie said, helping herself to one of the cupcakes from the plastic tray sitting in the middle of us on the floor, because my parents had moved all the tables out of the house earlier in the day. "I can leave for the new school in peace."
"You mean the new freakin' country, Em." Alex said, rolling his eyes. Emilie is British. She says that it is weird to hear me say things like 'snog' or 'minging', because it sounds hilarious with my "horribly American" accent.
"Its sad though," I managed to say as I scarfed the frosting off of my treat. "I'm moving to the new house tomorrow, and Emilie's going back to British-land."
"Sad but true. Shit happens." That would be from Ryan. Painfully direct as always. "But at least we have Ellie to keep a hold on things."
"I guess so," I said sarcastically, shoving him into the box labeled 'kitchen stuff.'
"I know so." He said, smirking. "She's better do a good job, for all she's practically a Sue herself."
"How dare you insult me, infidel!" I shot at him, pretending to be hurt. "You have wounded my pride with your words that are as painful as orc arrows. Besides, it's not my fault that my parents named me without first reading Lord of the Rings—"
"And you are insanely pretty and can sing—" Urgh. I'll never hear the end of it now. Shut up, Clark!
I snorted. Yes, snorted. "NOT! Flattery does nothing for me, jerkwad."
"And you think Orlando Bloom is hot—" Shut up, Bella! Now I could tell my face was turning red. I blush too damn easily.
"So what? You do too, Belle!"
"And you have tried archery and fencing—" That comment was courtesy of Emilie.
"The term is bow hunting, actually, and I was so bad I never shot anything, and the fencing was a Park District joke I was forced into—"
"So you basically fill all the necessary criteria, according to our latest case."
I mimed puking into my water glass. "Don't even get me started, Belle. The authoress of 'The Forgotten Magical Princess of Rivendell' should be maimed by a fell beast for abusing Tolkien's lifetime works that badly."
"But you missed Leggys1LuvaGurl069's latest update," Alex said with faked mortification, pulling a dramatic pose.
"Oh gosh, please fill me in." Emilie said scathingly.
"She had her character Arálôndië and Legolas have a romantic sex frolic in Galadriel's mirror garden."
"No! That is disgusting!"
"Gag me with a spoon!" I yelled.
"Es verdad, mi amiga." Alex sighed. Emilie looked like she might faint.
"Don't worry, Em." I said, taking the pink file folder and opening it and hoping our former executive wasn't about to have a spaz attack. "According to this latest printout from the site she's polluting—er—posting on, this is only her third chapter."
"She's taking her time on the romance part of it then," Ryan commented dryly.
"Damn straight," I muttered, after the wave of chuckles and eye rolls had passed through our group. "Anyway, this is chapter three for her, so I think that if you give me a few more weeks, or if I put someone in charge of the annihilation process under a new login name, we should have this Sue-maker destroyed faster than the One Ring in the Cracks of Doom on a hot July day."
"That's one way of putting it, Ellie." Clark said with a yawn and a stretch. He glanced at his watch and bawked. "I'm going to have to leave soon; it's almost twelve in the morning."
"Yeah, well, the Extended Version of Return of the King takes a bit longer to watch," I said. "Good thing its Friday, isn't it?"
There were consensual murmurs. Unfortunately, my Jack Russell Terrier chose the comfortable silence as a time to charge from the basement and wage an ambush on our cupcake tray left on the ground.
Several loud screeches (by Alex, what a surprise), barks (from Alex too, haha, no just kidding), snarls, and swearwords later, our cupcakes had been mauled beyond edibility and everyone had thankfully decided that it was time for my initiation party to come to a close.
"Thanks so much for coming, peeps," I said, letting Clark help me up from the ground so I could hug everybody and send them on their merry little ways. I pulled open my front door, shivering in my ankle socks and badminton shorts. "Anybody have plans for tomorrow? I could call or instant Message someone so we all could get breakfast in town or find some more Mary-Sues online. But after I've driven all my stuff over to the new house at five in the morning, of course."
"How about you try both?" Bella said, grabbing her scarf and walking out to her car so she could drive the others home. Bella is soooo lucky. She got her license before any of us (I've had mine for a couple months, being only sixteen) and she can drive as many people as her Lexus SUV can hold.
"Sounds great." I said, doing a retarded kind of jig-on-the-spot to prevent my toes from freezing to my front porch in the only snow free spot. "I'll be awake till one or later, trying to crack down on our new Sue or reading. Cell me if you wanna."
"Bye, Ellie, thanks for the food!" Everyone chorused.
"No problemo. Until the Members of S.P.A.M unite again, namarië!" I said with a grin and chattering teeth. Shorts and a t-shirt are not exactly suitable winter wear, but heck, all my other clothes are in my suitcases in my room. So I had to deal with it.
"See ya 'round, Sue. And good luck with the moving." Alex said with a wink. I rolled my eyes, kicked him off of my doorstep, and dashed back into the house.
My lovely idiotic friends .I thought, watching them drive away. I sighed and turned off the living room lights, put my little dog in her crate for the night, then crept back to my room.
An hour and a half of listening to my iPod speakers and sending some contemptuous comments to the Mary-Sues on my computer, I decided to crash. I plugged my electronics back into their outlets to re-charge for the night, set the alarm for four thirty, and made sure that my entire wardrobe was safely in my suitcases, stacked neatly by the bedroom door.
Mary-Sues were still on my mind as I went into my bathroom to brush my teeth. Could I really be like a Sue? I thought with a shudder as I fished around my toiletry pouches for my toothbrush. I hope not…
But it was partially true, I had to admit. I had tried to learn archery and fencing, (though mostly as jokes) and I couldn't deny it. Not that I enjoyed trying to learn war craft… I sucked at archery, plain and simple, plus I was afraid to hit someone with my saber. I shook my head disgustedly and put the toothpaste on the brush.
I don't think I am that pretty, I mused as I swished the bristles around my teeth. Clark was probably just being weird…but that's usual for him. I laughed in spite of myself and almost snorted my toothpaste.
Well, I guess I look okay with makeup, I'm not fugly or a hag or anything. I inspected my face in the mirror. I have dark brown hair that falls about four inches past my shoulders, with lots of layers and subtle side bangs. I think my lips can get pouchy and chapped easily, and my nose annoys me with its stupid freckles. But for someone who tans a bit during the winter, I could have it a lot worse and be orange like some of the girls at school, I guess. My eyes are all mine. Sparkly and hazel; I really like them. And they turn bright green when I cry. I've got a sort of thin, but athletic build thanks to playing badminton obsessively and doing sit-ups. I'm not too tall, but I'm not short. I don't know if I'm pretty or not. But I at least have enough self esteem to say I don't think I'm that ugly.
Orlando. Yes, he's hot. And so is Craig. And my lab partner for Biology and the guy I met at the pool in southern Florida, now that I think about it…
"I hardly think that being happy with myself qualifies me to be a Mary-Sue," I thought out loud, then yawned hugely. I found a pair of pajama pants and pulled them on over my shorts, then plunked down on my mattress to snooze.
"I don't think I'm proper Mary-Sue material at all…"