Title: A Link Between Us
Characters: Madara, Hidan, Kakuzu
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Rating: K+
Warnings: character death
Summary: Life doesn't only stop for those who die, but for those left behind as well. For a while.
Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine, but Masashi Kishimoto's. He should hurry up and make some sense already.
"Madara, I said I'm sorry."
"I honestly don't give a shit about what you say right now. Damn it, Kakuzu, I'm pissed!"
"But..."
"Will you just shut up?"
Madara scowls and hisses and snarls, and Kakuzu finally turns his entire attention to him - something he shouldn't do.
"Madara, please..."
"Watch out-!" Hidan screams, cutting him off, and Kakuzu turns back to the road way too late.
Everything happens fast, too fast. It blurs together in a mix of agony and screams, and blood, so much blood. Kakuzu only needs a fragment of a second to know doing anything would be useless.
A loud, crashing sound, the most horrible they've ever heard. And Kakuzu does the only thing he can think of; the only thing he shouldn't ever do (or so Madara thinks): lets go of the stirring wheel and throws himself over Madara.
Black blur.
Madara wakes with a scream; something he would have never thought of himself doing, something he does very often lately. For one glamorous moment, he believes he can chase the dream away by listening to the steady breathing of the one laying by his side. But it's not the one he needs to see, not the one he wishes to be sleeping next to.
"That was the third one tonight," Hidan says, his voice seemingly emotionless, but at the same time, filled with too many unexplainable feelings. Madara's resolve shatters in an instant.
He attempts regaining his breath, but it still comes in little hitches, suffocating, almost like hyperventillation. Why did he become so weak?
"And you're still awake," he answers simply. They both know what it means.
"Any variations?" the silver-haired man asks, and Madara nearly kicks him before realizing he's actually talking about it; something he's been trying to get him to do, without any success so far. "Or still the same dream?"
"The same one," Madara says, turning on his side to face him. Hidan is pale; paler than usual, which is saying something. He's been this way ever since he woke up in the hospital, ever since he refused to sleep. It's been a week, and while on one side, Madara is amazed by the strength of the zealot, on the other side, it is scaring him.
"I see," Hidan simply answers, and Madara sighs. Kakuzu would pull him close, as if his touch alone would be enough to make everything better - and in fact, it would, since if Kakuzu were there with them, the nightmares wouldn't plague him in the first place -, but Hidan can't offer any comfort, and Madara does not blame him.
But he still needs to talk, before things get even worse.
"Hidan, you need to sleep."
"No." He doesn't even move, just keeps his empty gaze on Madara.
"But..."
"We've been through this, Madara. Leave me alone." He doesn't even swear anymore.
"Why?"
Hidan blinks slowly; the only sign showing that he's actually surprised. Madara doesn't usually ask questions (he always seems to know the answers without asking), and he especially avoided this particular question in the last week. But once he does ask, he requires an answer, so Hidan knows he doesn't have a choice.
So he takes a deep breath and answers - and because he knows Madara too, he doesn't answer the question spoken, but the question that was really asked.
"I don't want to have nightmares."
He knows he doesn't need to explain it furthermore: Madara knows just as well that living through it once was one time more than enough already.
But that doesn't mean he isn't going to argue.
"That's unhealthy."
"I don't care," comes the answer, and Madara, who was hoping for at least a Fuck off, dipshit, gets even more scared.
Being scared is a rather new feeling for the invincible Uchiha. He has to do something, anything, about it.
"Well, I do." He sits up and crosses his arms, glaring at Hidan the strictest way possible - but they both know there's nothing behind his words now, even if he means them as much as he can. He's too broken himself; how would he be able to fix the other?
And yet, Hidan seems to wither a bit under his gaze, looking away and biting into his lip.
"I know," he says softly, and it's the first time any sort of emotion appears in his voice - though Madara can't tell what it exactly is - so the raven decides to be persistent.
He kneels up and sits on his heels, reaching for the other, but Hidan is still looking away, not even responding to the feather-light touch on his cheek.
"Hidan." Madara traces his fingers down the silver-haired man's cheek, desperate for at least some sort of reaction. "Talk to me, please."
"I don't want to." Hidan is still not looking at him, but from the tone he speaks, Madara can guess he only needs to push a little further. He feels cruel for doing it, but he knows no other way; he doesn't want to lose Hidan too.
"I know, but you need to." His voice is softer than ever, and maybe it's because of that, maybe something else, but Hidan finally looks at him.
"I don't want to, 'Dara..." he whispers, finally letting his feelings get to the surface, his lips twisting in trying to hold back the words he needs to speak oh so much. "It hurts too much. I see it in every moment. I can't let it go, it doesn't fade. Wherever I look, I see his face. His smile."
"It's because you don't sleep, Hidan." Madara knows these aren't the words Hidan wanted to hear. "My nightmares..." he takes another deep breath, "my nightmares are awful, but every time I wake up, it's a little bit more distant... a little bit less painful."
Hidan raises a shaky hand, and brushes Madara's hair out of his face.
"I..." He licks his lips, and even though his hand is feeling the raven's skin, he refuses to meet his eyes; his tone suddenly holds something new. Not only pain, but a hint of shame. "I don't want it to be distant."
"Are you hurting yourself deliberately?" Madara jerks his hand up, putting it on top of Hidan's, his eyes widening. There indeed was a time when he and Kakuzu needed to hide all sharp objects in the house, but it passed such a long time ago that he wouldn't have thought it'd occur again, ever.
But then again, they lost their link.
"No, not like that!" Now Hidan sounds almost fearful. In that moment, Madara wants nothing more than hold him and protect him, and chase both of their nightmares away - but is he strong enough to do that? And even if he is... would Hidan let him? "I just... I'm afraid I'd forget him, 'Dara."
He tries to pull his hand away, but Madara is still holding it, determined to not let him go; else he might fall out of his grasp for eternity. He'd pull him close too, there's nothing he wants more, but he still doesn't dare to do so.
"If you don't want to, you don't need to," he simply says, or rather, murmurs, silently willing Hidan to look at him already, but no, he doesn't.
"It's not that easy. What if-"
"Hidan."
He finally looks up, and from what he sees, his breath hitches.
It's been only a day, and he still feels dizzy. Did it really happen? He's soon to be let out of the hospital, since he doesn't have any injuries beside a minor concussion - oh, the wonder of seatbelts; why don't everybody use it? -, and even though somewhere, deeply buried in his brain in a section he doesn't wish to take notice of, he knows it did happen, and, somewhere even deeper, he knows what the outcome is, a part of him still wishes, hopes, longs, needs, and that part makes him jerk his head up every time the door opens, thinking it'd be his 'Kuzu, with a bandage over his forehead and an overly arrogant, yet cheerful grin plastered on his face, as if saying "what, you think something like that can kill me?"
But it's never him.
He knows Madara is watching him, he knows he sees it all. He also sees the way the raven's lips tremble every time he says something, the way he reaches into his hair every other minute as if he wanted to tear it out, but then always ends up simply brushing through it with his fingers or straightening a stray lock that has fallen into his face. Hidan knows what it means. He knows the other so well.
Yet he would never be able to help him; not when he himself is so broken too. He doesn't want to sleep ever again - he refuses to see it again and again, even though he still sees it in every second spent awake; refuses to keep it close and refuses to let it go at the same time.
He's so confused; how would he be able to fix Madara like that? How could he listen to what he has to say when he doesn't know how to answer; when he doesn't even know how to say what's in him?
Madara looks at him, and all Hidan can see in his eyes is a single sentence, one the Uchiha is unable to say out loud, yet it's clearer than everything he could say. His eyes say "I'm so sorry."
He doesn't know how to answer.
"It's useless," Madara says, his fingers still curled over Hidan's ice cold ones. The silver-haired man feels a chill creeping up his spine; this voice is of the invincible Uchiha Madara, and even if he's only using this voice to persuade himself of his (probably nonexistent) strength, it doesn't fail to intimidate the zealot, just like it has always done. "Absolutely no use thinking about what ifs, Hidan."
How can his voice still hold comfort when he's speaking in that tone, the Jashinist wonders. Because it does, whatever the reason.
Yet, he was never one to give himself easily, not even when he knows he's already losing. Hidan does not give up.
"How do you know?" he talks back, trying and failing to sound cheeky. Madara, as wondrous as it feels, has to suppress a smile. If it takes scaring the shit out of Hidan to coax a bit of his old self to the surface, so be it, he decides.
"I tried," he says solemnly, and that somehow makes Hidan swallow his next reply.
He doesn't want Madara to talk about it. He can't listen. It hurts. Hurts so much. He can't talk. He can't think. He can't listen.
Because his 'Kuzu is dead, and he... he didn't...
His hands are rough; the stitches around his wrist are scratching his skin as he caresses, and yet, it somehow feels softer than anything that has ever touched Hidan; it feels softer because nobody has touched him with such gentleness before. He loves Kakuzu's touch; he struggles and strives for it.
"I love you," he hears a faint murmur, and he feels as if his insides turned into liquid fire. He can't even recall having ever heard those three little words before. He doesn't even know what to answer, no proper words come to his lips.
"I... uh, do you really?" he asks. Kakuzu blinks at him, a bit surprised, and for a moment, Hidan freezes with fear into the thought that he might have said something wrong, something that will now ruin everything. But then the surprised look turns into something warm and soft, and the man's lips curl upwards.
"I do~," his voice is almost a warble, and Hidan can't resist smiling back.
"Good," is all he answers, without thinking.
His 'Kuzu is dead, and he never answered that confession.
"Hidan, talk to me... please."
Now that makes him look up. Madara never asks for favours. He demands and requires, but never asks. That's how it's always been, and neither of them have ever had a problem with it - after all, those who aren't guilty shall throw the first stone, and anyways, as tiresome as it sometimes was, the Uchiha did make a point of never requiring anything they wouldn't have done willingly anyways. That's how it has been working ever since they got to know each other.
And now he was asking.
"'Dara..."
"No, don't you "'Dara" me, Hidan." The softer, pleading voice disappears as fast as it came, and Hidan wonders for a moment whether that small word was only a product of his own disturbed imagination. "You need to talk to me."
"Who are you, my fucking mother?" Hidan snorts. He definitely doesn't expect him to grin, and yet that's exactly what happens next.
"Now, that's more like the Hidan I know~"
"Fuck off."
"See? That's what I'm talking ab-" A hand pressed on his mouth makes the sentence end abruptly.
"Can't you just shut up and leave me alone?" the silver-haired hisses, now genuinely angered. In a matter of seconds, Madara considers the two possible answers he can give to that question, and the outcomes they would draw. He could agree, which would equal admitting defeat. He could try doing exactly what Hidan asked and leave him alone, which would make Hidan realize it wasn't exactly what he hoped for, but it would also be too late for him to make the zealot believe him. No, he definitely doesn't want to leave Hidan alone; even though it is what he asked for, it is the last thing he actually needs. And that leaves him with the other option.
"No, I can't." He grabs the palm pressed onto his mouth and yanks it away in a fierce motion, still paying attention to avoid hurting him in the process. "I can't, Hidan, because I want to help you. You mean too much to me to just leave you alone."
"Hey, 'Dara..."
"Hm?" Madara looks up, instantly putting the book he was reading away when he sees the lonesome expression on Hidan's face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing..." Hidan shakes his head, but his eyes say otherwise. Madara doesn't need a second time to be told, he reaches out, and as Hidan takes his hand, he pulls the silver-haired one into his lap, weaving his arms around him securely. Hidan relaxes some in the embrace as they lean back. "'Kuzu was supposed to be home an hour ago..."
"I'm sure he's fine," Madara smiles reassuringly. For a change, he knows where Kakuzu is: trying to find something suitable for Hidan's birthday. But as he promised he wouldn't give him away...
"Oh, I'm sure too," Hidan snorts, huddling himself up. "It's not that..."
"Then what?" Madara realizes that was the one thing he shouldn't have asked way too late.
"You know what happened the last time he didn't come home..."
Sigh. "Everyone makes mistakes, Hidan." Though Madara has to admit, there is no possible excuse for cheating on someone you loved, not even in a situation like what occured at that time. "You didn't argue today, though, did you?"
"N-no..." Hidan admits, finally starting to sound a bit more uncertain.
"He wouldn't do that again," Madara adds, just to be on the safe side. "I'm absolutely sure of that."
"... If you say so..." Finally, the rest of the stiffness eases out of Hidan's shoulders as he slumps into the raven's arms. A few minutes of silence follows, then suddenly, he says, "Hey, 'Dara..."
"Hm?" Madara repeats absent-mindedly.
"'Kuzu said he loves me." The way Hidan blurts it out abruptly makes the always alert Uchiha give a start.
"Really?" is the first thing he says, then, realizing how stupid he sounds, he adds, "Well, he obviously does... what is the problem with that?"
Hidan hesitates for a moment. "What does it mean, 'Dara?"
"What does what mean?" Madara can only blink at the absurdness of the question.
"What does 'I love you' mean?" Absurd as it is, Hidan asks it with such innocence that Madara just cannot deny giving an answer.
"Well..." He actually gives it some thought, not wanting to give any false answer. "It means you are precious. It means he feels close to you; also that he doesn't want anyone else to be that close to him..."
"Not even you?"
Madara feels getting mixed up in his own explanation.
"I... well, that's different..."
"Different how?" If he didn't know any better, he'd think Hidan is trying to annoy him on purpose.
"He loves you more than me," Madara decides to stay at the easiest answer; partly because he can't even explain it properly to himself. "And it's fine like that," he adds quickly, before Hidan can ask again.
In a sense, it's true. Sometimes it still feels strange, to be together like that, all three of them. It started out with him and Kakuzu; but there was always something in the tanned man he felt he couldn't compete with, some unexplainable longing he felt he could never complete. Then Kakuzu met Hidan, and strangely, Madara wasn't jealous at all, even though he somewhere knew he would have been supposed to. But Hidan was just unique in a way that made it impossible to not love him; he was daring, cheeky and foul-mouthed, yet fragile and scared. And as Kakuzu took him to his bosom, Madara couldn't help doing the same. He had sworn to protect Kakuzu from any harm that would come their way - he was his world -; now Hidan fell into the same category.
Does it bother him that Hidan seems to complete Kakuzu in a way he, Madara, will never be able to? Sometimes it does. But - similar to the way he was never jealous of him to begin with - mostly, he's just glad that he does. He wants Kakuzu happy, and if Hidan is the one with the ability to grant him that, then he is more than happy to accept it.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he wishes he could be a bit more certain in his place.
"What 'I love you' really means..." he repeats in a light tone, not looking at Hidan, "is that even if you happen to send him away, he'll refuse. You mean too much to him to just leave you alone."
A long, frozen moment of silence.
Hidan's lips tremble as he stumbles forward, finally resigning to let Madara touch him. And so Madara does, with a suffocating movement, not even sure if he's the one clinging onto the trembling silver-haired man, or the other way around. Hidan draws in his breath shakily.
"I... didn't want to hear that from you..." he finally mutters.
"I know," Madara answers, his throat tightening. There's nothing he wants more in that second than to fix it, to fix them both, but is he strong enough? He's still not sure, probably never will. "I'm sorry..."
Those two little words slip out of his mouth way too easily, considering the way he has been struggling and yet failing to say them ever since the accident. And what's even more unbelievable: Hidan understands. How, it remains a mystery, but he does.
"It's not your fault, 'Dara..." he mumbles into his shirt, wrapping thin arms around his waist, and suddenly, Madara is the one feeling secure. Perhaps he did have his own place in their little triad? Well, not as if it matters that much now, but still... "It never was..."
And as if he received absolution with those two short sentences, the words just pour out of his mouth.
"I shouldn't have been so angry with him... I shouldn't have kept him away from paying attention... He protected me... It was my fault..."
"Madara..." Hidan tries.
"I was cruel to him..."
"Well, you were being a shithead for sure."
That surprises Madara so much he actually shuts up. For a moment, he just gapes at Hidan, refusing to believe that the other actually has a half-smile on his lips as he's glancing up at him. But he's not finished yet.
"He died thinking I hated him."
The smile disappears.
Hidan loves the little things. Probably because he understands them easier than the big ones - after all, as Kakuzu often claims, he is an idiot -; when Kakuzu said he loved him, he had to go to Madara and ask what it meant, but sometimes, he feels he can grasp part of the meaning himself from the way Kakuzu looks at him from the corner of his eyes, or simply from the rhythm of his heartbeat at night when he sleeps.
Hidan loves counting; it calms him down. On many sleepless nights, he just lays on his back at the edge of the bed, dangling one foot down to the floor, staring at the chandelier, and counts Kakuzu's heartbeats for a minute, then Madara's, then compares the two.
Lately, the only one whose heartbeat he can count is Kakuzu's. It still calms him, but the absence of Madara's still makes him anxious. There has been an ongoing argument between the two of them - the beginning of it was over something so small and trivial Hidan doesn't even remember what it actually was -, and Madara has been sleeping on the couch for the past few days.
Kakuzu's heartbeat has gotten more frantic every night ever since.
"I'm sure he knows, 'Dara."
Hidan isn't sure what has gotten into him, saying those words just like that, only because he thinks that's what Madara needs to hear. Didn't he think he wouldn't be able to help him, since he feels too broken himself?
Yet, it seems that doesn't stop him from trying. Why, he can't really explain to himself.
At first, the only answer he gets is the tightening of the arms that hold him. Then after a while, Madara mutters - and Hidan, even though he still doesn't look up, would swear he's smiling faintly,
"Does he? Then he knows you love him, too."
And even though Hidan's heart skips a beat, it somehow sets it at rest at the same time.
"You think so, hm?" he mumbles faintly, suddenly feeling wearier than ever. The only answer he gets as he blinks up at the other is his smile getting warmer, but it's still enough reassurance. He hesitates for a moment. "Can we really... do this? Huh, 'Dara?"
"I don't know," Madara answers with a sigh. "What I do know, though," and his smile returns for the faintest moment, "is that if we simply give up only because we don't know how to do it, Kakuzu will kick our asses across the next world with both his feet at the same time."
How can they read each other's mind like they do will probably remain a mystery for the rest of their lives. But the fact that they do is the first and strongest reassurance they can hold on to among a few others, one that tells them it could still work.
The phrase "life goes on" still sounds harsh to both of them; it's been only a week, and they still have half a lifetime in front of them. But as Hidan's eyes finally flutter closed and he drifts off to sleep - most likely full of nightmares - in Madara's lap, and Madara leans to the wall to get into a more comfortable position - after all, it's not likely Hidan will wake up anytime soon -, he realizes Kakuzu wasn't really a link between them. He was something much more than that - that he already knew -, and at the same time, he was something less as well.
Because Madara is determined to keep trying, for Hidan and for himself, to function this way, through everything.
After all, he muses as he keeps his gaze on the sleeping man in his lap, even though it still feels full of grief, and therefore false to him, he can learn to cope.
He's Uchiha Madara, after all.
We never mourn what we lost, we do only mourn ourselves.
A/N: Reviews are much loved, but not necessary. :)