Title: Birthday Week

Author: Neoxphile

Spoilers: nothing past The Truth

Keywords: challengefic, William, kidfic, humor

Summary: As usual, the quads cause trouble. But this time it leads to an interesting seventh birthday for William. A "Miracle Season" sequel.

a/n: If you haven't read the first story and aren't inclined to, let me try to catch you up: Shortly after "The Truth" Mulder was acquitted, they returned to the X-Files, got married, and took William back from foster care. When William was a year and a half old, the remains of the Consortium hit upon a brilliant idea - children tie people down and keep them from sticking their noses in things. So, using their favorite comatose brunette as a living incubator, they "gifted" people with babies for Christmas for a few years. Mulder and Scully got quads, Doggett and Reyes got twins etc. The quads are...spirited, and did a good job keeping M&S out of things until a very pregnant Diana staggered into their yard, and left them with a second Christmas gift to deal with. That's probably all you need to know to understand.

May 1st, 2008

At four o'clock in the afternoon it seemed as though the only room in the house that wasn't full of noise was William Mulder's bedroom. There were only nine people in the household, but from the noise it sounded like twice that. Somewhere in the house a baby cried, but that was barely heard over riot of kindergartners' voices.

Instead of doing his homework, William practiced writing the number seven on a piece of loose-leaf paper. It wasn't as though the number was new to him since he'd been able to count before he even started preschool, but just then it had a special significance. After all, in a few more days he himself would finally turn seven years old. It was going to be a lot of fun, his father promised.

It was just too bad that he had six siblings who would be there at his birthday party. Actually, he didn't really mind Hope and Promise being there; they were only babies, and they didn't get into much trouble. The whole problem was the quadruplets. Brian, Jeremy, Eric, and Alison seemed to make it their life's mission to drive him and his parents crazy. His mother said they didn't do it on purpose, but it to William it seemed a lot like they must. How could four little kids get into so much trouble all the time by accident?

On the rare occasions that the quads managed to drag him into their insanity, he usually got lectured about being the oldest and how he was supposed to "know better." This struck William as unfair. They were a year and a half younger than him, but it had been a lot longer than a year and a half since the first time he was told that he ought to know better. When were they going to know better?

He asked his parents that once, and they looked at him like they had no idea. He suspected it had never even occurred to them to wonder. That made him wonder if they expected his siblings to be brats forever. William sure hoped not.

He was just putting the pen down when he heard a loud crash. A heartbeat later his father yelled "Jeremy!" William sighed, hoping it wasn't anything that he liked that just got broken.

May 15th, 2008

Not long after they got into the basement that morning, Mulder slide a folder across the desk. "Skinner left us a present."

"What is it?" Scully lifted the cover to skim through the top sheet inside, wondering how he'd had time to read it while she'd been bringing Hope and Promise up to daycare.

"A blast from the past," Mulder told her with a broad grin.

She continued to skim the brief. "Jersey Devil? We've already investigated that. Years ago."

Her husband shook his head. "Way back when, someone thought what they'd seen was a Jersey devil, but that she-beast we ran into had nothing to do with the real Jersey devil."

"The 'real' one?" Scully raised an eyebrow. "You can't say you believe that old story."

"Don't you?" he challenged her. "Can't you imagine declaring that the devil can have your next baby after you've already had twelve?"

"Let's not even try to imagine that scenario. It would be tempting fate."

For moment Mulder went very white, and it was clear that he was thinking about the unusual way that they had acquired almost all of their children. "Oh."

"And I know you, Mulder. You're just hoping to meet your old girlfriend again," Scully said archly.

"What? You haven't missed her too?" he asked, grin restored. "Hopefully she's gotten a manicure since the last time we encountered her."

"If she hasn't, don't piss her off this time. I don't feel like patching you up again."

"I'll do my best, but you know it never been smooth with the ladies."

"You can say that again."

"Hey!" Mulder looked mildly affronted. "Skinner's secretary said that she'll arrange our flight for tomorrow."

Scully nodded, and skimmed through the remaining details of the case file. "Is there a qualitative difference between a small demon and a small devil?" she asked, referring to witness statements.

Mulder shrugged. "You were the one raised Catholic. You tell me."

"I believe very small demons are referred to as imps," she paused, and looked her husband in the eyes. "Don't even say it."

"What?" Mulder protested innocently.

"They don't need any encouraging nicknames, Mulder."

"I wasn't even thinking about the quads."

"Really," she said flatly.

"Well, I wasn't thinking hard," he mumbled.

The Next Day

It had been their every intention to pack the night before, but both of their eighteen-month-old daughters had been inconsolable due to teething pain. Even dinner had nearly been laid to the wayside as they tried to soothe the fussy twins. The older kids tried to help too, but as usual that only made things worse when they terrified their younger sisters rather than amusing them.

So, at six-thirty in the morning they were frantically trying to pack for their case before their brood woke up. Two suitcases sat on their bed, and both of them overflowed with things that still needed to be strapped down.

"Did we order a birthday cake for William yet?" Mulder asked, looking up from a stack of neatly folded shirts. He'd put a padlock on their closet door and that was the only way to assure that the kids would stay out of it. Before he had thought of this idea, he had lost seven dress shirts to various art projects that the quads had done.

"I did," Scully said pointedly. "It'll be ready to pick up on Monday night. And Mulder, we had better be home to pick it up."

"I'm sure we will be," Mulder said, not sounding entirely convinced. "Crap! Doesn't William have a doctor's appointment this morning? Why does Doctor Stevens insists on scheduling checkups near children's birthdays?"

It wasn't really William's birthday that Mulder was thinking about when he made this complaint. Instead it was the fact that they had six children to bring in at the same time in December - though four years apart in age, the twins and the quads had birthdays within the same week.

"He does have an appointment. You said that you have a few things to wrap up at the office, so I'll bring him. I have a few things of my own to take care of... so if you meet us at the doctor's office when he's done, you can bring him to my mother's while I do those things. Mom said she'd bring him to school after picking up the twins since we don't have time to drive all the way to the school," Scully said calmly.

They were sending the children to a small Montessori school outside of the city, because it was the only school that would allow the quads to stay in the same classroom together, which was something that Scully felt strongly about.

"Your mother is a lifesaver," Mulder said sounding heartfelt. It was true. If not for Maggie Scully, they might not be able to continue their career as field agents because of the travel involved. Their family had already been blacklisted by every babysitter in the city. Babysitters who had never even met the quads refused to take their phone calls.

"Don't think I don't know that. You're going to let the daycare know my mom's going to pick Promise and Hope up?" Scully asked as she threw things into her own suitcase. Fortunately, the Hoover building's daycare wasn't allowed to refuse to take kids, no matter whose they were.

"Of course." Mulder made a mental note to do that when he brought them up there. He watched with interest as she shoved a fairly large first aid kit into her bag. "What's the matter, Scully? You didn't believe me yesterday when I said I would try to keep away from her claws?"

"It's not that I don't think you will make every effort..." she said, letting her voice trail off.

He smirked at her. "It's just that you don't think I'll be successful."

"The odds are against you."

"This case is going to be different. I can feel it," he claimed. Scully looked unconvinced.

Hoover Building

They say the best laid plans of mice and men go awry, and as usual, it was the quads that set plans topsy-turvy. Mulder's packed bags were in the family's mini-van, he'd already jogged back up to the daycare and kissed the twins on their fuzzy little heads, and was about to leave the Hoover building when the phone on his desk began to ring.

Ringing phones had a way of not being good news, so he was very tempted to just let it continue to ring, and make his escape. But at the last second he caved. What if it was Scully, wanting to change their plans? He couldn't very well explain to her how bad luck and telephones went together.

He told himself he was foolish and tried to keep his hands from shaking as he picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Mister Mulder," a crisp, familiar voice said. "I need you to come to the school. Immediately."

"Mrs. Wheat," he heard himself whine to his children's principal. And cringed when he realized that he'd done it. "I thought there was a full day of school today."

"There is," she said sharply. "But I'm afraid your children will not be finishing the day."

"What did they do now?" he asked with a plaintive sigh. Reports about bad behavior came home regularly in the kids' backpacks, and it wasn't the first time he or Scully had been required to pick them up. "And do you mean all four-"

"Yes, I do. We can discuss their behavior when you arrive."

"Damn." he hissed under his breath as he hung up the phone. Alison and Jeremy were always going to be involved no matter what, but he had hopes that occasionally Eric and Brian might behave. Apparently they had not lived up to his hopes this time.

He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nine-thirty. The quads had only made it through an hour and a half of school. Still, time would be tight. It was a forty-five minute drive from the office.

Triune Montessori School

As he walked towards the office, Mulder noticed that the door to their kindergarten class hung open despite the fact that the teacher, Mrs. Grace, was addressing the class. Peering in he noted that several children were missing, not just his own. Another parent might have taken some small comfort in knowing that their offspring hadn't been singled out. Not Mulder. He immediately began to worry about how many kids his little instigators roped into their schemes.

It turned out that two shamefaced little boys were sitting with his children when Mrs. Wheat signaled him to join her in the office. A secretary left the two boys sitting where they were, and just brought his own kids into the office for the discussion.

As his children sat down, Mulder wished that they looked half as contrite as the other two. They didn't. It worried him more that they seldom displayed remorse for their mischievous deeds than the fact that they did them in the first place.

The principal glowered at the unperturbed kindergartners. "Do not speak while I catch your father up to speed," she said sternly.

To Mulder surprise, not one of them protested. He turned his eyes towards the older woman.

"Mrs. Grace had," she stressed the last word, making him cringe in anticipation. "-a collection of mini beanie babies, given to her by her husband, and she was gracious enough to share them with her class. The boys smuggled them out of the classroom when Mrs. Grace brought them to the lavatory after snack time."

For a moment he was lost to the memory of early elementary school, when kids were brought to the bathrooms in groups instead of being sent there on their own. "I presume that they were...flushed?"

"Exactly," Mrs. Wheat said flatly.

Brian and Eric had the good grace to squirm and look slightly guilty, but Jeremy and Alison did not. Mulder stared at his daughter, trying to work something out. "Was Alison in the boys' bathroom?"

"No."

"Then why-"

Mrs. Wheat looked at his sons. "Boys, whose idea was it to flush the toys down the toilets?"

All three boys pointed at their sister. Mrs. Wheat flashed Mulder a smug yet outraged look.

He resisted the urge to cover his face with both hands and instead addressed his daughter. "Alison, why?"

"I wanted to know what would happen," Alison explained simply with a shrug.

"But why the boys bathroom?"

"It was easier to get the boys to do it," she said earnestly.

Mulder didn't doubt it. William was the only of her brothers who ever hesitated to do what she wanted, and he'd seen her lead John and Monica's four-year-old son Kevin into the same sort of trouble more than once. He tried not to think about what she would be like when she was a teenager.

"Turning back to Mrs. Wheat he asked, "How much will getting a plumber to fix things cost?"

She picked up a pen and wrote down a number. "This was the estimate I was given."

He sighed when he read it and reached for his checkbook. "And the value of the toys they flushed?"

Mrs. Wheat wrote down another, blessedly much smaller, sum. This time he addressed the check to their teacher rather than the school.

Once the checks were in her hand he asked, "How long are they suspended for?"

"Just the afternoon. I think that'll give them sufficient time to think about their actions."

He doubted it, but it didn't seem wise to admit that. "Let's go," he said, watching carefully to make sure that they all left the room without doing any more damage to the school.

Long ago he and Scully had thought the hard part would be over once the quads were out of diapers, but this had been disproven over and over. He'd asked Scully if there was a gene for naughtiness, and she laughed at him. Apparently she thought he was joking. He wasn't. William had always been so well behaved, so why couldn't the younger kids be?

That's when it occurred to him. William. He paused at the threshold, hoping that the kids would not wander out of sight. "My mother-in-law was going to bring William in late-"

The principal shook her head. "We'll see him tomorrow as well." She smiled minutely when she caught his frown. "I'm sure that he really would behave well himself, but I don't want the rest of them on school grounds again today."

"Right." He could have protested that it was unfair, but it really wasn't. He wouldn't have wanted them to come back if he was the principal, either.

Ten Minutes Later

Four miles from the school Mulder nearly swore to himself when he realized that he had less than an eighth of a tank of gas left. There was a Shell station on the right, so he pulled in. Unfortunately it was a self-service station, so he had to get out of the mini-van and pump his own gas.

It became clear immediately that the gas station was not interested in sending anybody on their way in a timely manner. The gas trickled into the gas tank so slowly that Mulder was convinced that he could have put it in quicker with an eye dropper. After eight long minutes Mulder was able to complete his transaction.

When he opened the driver's side door, he realized that he hadn't kept as close an eye on the situation inside the vehicle as he should have, because two of his children were frantically rebuckling the belts to their booster seats. Though he dismissed that, it was the silence in the mini-van was what tipped him off initially that something was rotten in Denmark. If there was one thing his children were, silent was not it.

It therefore came as no surprise when he turned the ignition and nothing happened. Just then he noticed a clump of wires poking at his ankle.

Trying to keep his temper, he turned and looked over the backseat at his children. "What did you do to Daddy's car?"

Four small pairs of shoulders rose and fell as one.

He glared at them. Hard.

Alison caved. Pointing a finger, she said, "Jeremy did it."

Unhappy to of been thrown under the bus, Jeremy began to whine but Mulder quieted him with a look. "What did you touch?"

"I didn't! I mean." The little boy soon realized that his defenses were not fooling anyone. "I didn't mean to break it. I just wanted see where they went."

"Where what went, Jeremy?" Mulder asked, while silently counting to ten.

"The little wires," Jeremy told him. "They're all different colors."

"So, you pulled on them?"

"Yes..." Jeremy held out something Mulder didn't realize until then he'd had hidden behind his back. "This came off."

Mulder stared at the plastic box in his son's small hand. He thought the things shoved into the box might be fuses. Though not an expert mechanic by any means, Mulder was fairly certain that a mini-van at least needed a fuse box in order to function.

"I need to make a phone call. I'm going to do it outside the car. If anyone moves, you're all going to boarding school."

Brian looked puzzled. "What's boarding school?"

"It's a school where naughty boys and naughty girls live all year round. And they eat gruel."

Eric looked at him wide-eyed. "What's gruel?"

"Paste made of flour and water."

"We won't move, Daddy," Alison promised anxiously.

Part of him felt bad that they actually believed his threat, but the rest of him was more than happy to let them think he was serious so perhaps they wouldn't do anything else to the vehicle while he stood outside to make his call.

Meanwhile...

Scully and William were sitting in her car, still parked in front of Doctor Stevens' office building. William stared out the window, keeping his eyes peeled for the family's mini-van. Scully herself tapped on the steering wheel with inpatient fingers. She stopped as soon as she realized what she was doing.

"Daddy should be here any time now, William," Scully assured her oldest son, but she didn't really feel as confident as she tried to sound. Mulder almost never ran late. The only times he hadn't been there on time in the past were those when he ditched her.

When her cell phone began to buzz she was relieved to see her husband's name on the display screen. "Mulder, where are you?"

There was silence for a moment. "Uh... I'm waiting for a tow truck," Mulder said apologetically, and she was immediately suspicious.

"What happened?"

"I was about to leave the office when Mrs. Wheat called-"

"So what did they do the mini-van?" she asked, cutting to the chase. It was possible that the quads hadn't done anything at all to Mulder's vehicle, but it was also possible that she could wake up tomorrow morning and the law of gravity would be suspended.

"I'm not exactly sure," Mulder admitted. "There are a lot of wires hanging out from underneath the dashboard... all I did was stop for gas," he added plaintively.

She didn't like that he was already beginning to sound defensive. "So I take it you're not going to make it in time to run William to my mom's house before our flight."

"No."

"That's okay, I'll just call her and-"

"See, that's the thing. I already tried to call her to see if she can take the quads too. I think she might already be on her way to get the twins from daycare. Alison admitted to 'borrowing' your mother's phone last weekend..."

"I guess I'll have to try to change our flight then," Scully said, trying to put up a calm front. From the look on William's face as he watched her, she wasn't doing a very good job of it.

"You can try." She swore that she could hear almost hear him shaking his head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked impatiently.

"You haven't been listening to the news today, have you? Flights are getting canceled left and right, just like last month. Apparently they discovered some new problem that urgently needs to be addressed today. Were actually lucky that this flight hasn't been canceled."

"Well I can at least try."

"I'm sure you will, Babe."

"Mulder, what I told you about silly pet names?"

"I believe that I'm not supposed to say them when you are in arm's reach."

"Mulder," she said warningly.

"Scully, I have to go. They're throwing things in the car now. Good luck. Call me back and let me know what happens."

When she noticed that her oldest son was still looking up at her with an expression of mixed curiosity and concern, she smiled down at him. "Your dad's just being a worrywart. Don't you worry too."

"Okay, Mom," William said quickly. It was clear that he was merely humoring her, but she didn't call him on it.