Title: Answers You Have
Characters: Uzumaki Mito, Uchiha Izuna, and a few others
Genre: Angst/Philosophical
Rating: K
Warnings: none
Summary: They both made decisions they can barely live with; they are the only ones capable of teaching each other how to.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I merely enjoy writing~
Who sold my happiness?
The night is silent at the Uchiha compound, chilly, and full of stars. The village, even though the day's rustle calmed down a bit by this time, is still very much alive, but the noise doesn't reach here. All that can be heard is the chirping of crickets, and the hastily stumbling steps of the one heading for one of the main houses. There is a decent pathway, but the figure just crosses the yard directly, stepping into the grass damp from evening dew.
The main house, despite the seclusion of the Uchiha district, is still one of the most prominent and magnificent buildings in Konohagakure. The steps falter a bit before stepping up onto the stoop, the visitor taking a moment to admire the house's entirety, or maybe gain resolve.
The fusuma is pulled aside, and one of the inhabitants, a slender-figured young man with half-long raven black hair steps out, turning his head exactly at the direction of the visitor, his locks falling into his face as he does so.
"Who is there?" he asks, his voice calm and kind, with a tone of sadness in it, and even a hint of something menacing. The figure stops, staring up at him, directly into his unseeing eyes. Uchiha Izuna takes a step forward, hesitant, yet accurately pinpointing the edge of the stoop without stumbling off, still knowing where the person he is speaking to is standing. "... Tobirama-kun?"
"You've gotten quite good," the visitor answers silently, and Izuna freezes in his place.
"Uzumaki-san...? Is that you?" His voice sounds surprised, yet a bit more collected now that he knows who is standing before him.
"Please, just call me Mito, Izuna-san." The Hokage's wife takes a step towards him, a hand extended, and Izuna grabs onto it uncharacteristically fast, as if sensing something is out of place tonight.
"Do come in, Mito-san. May I ask why you're here at this late hour?"
Mito follows Izuna inside, admiring the way he already seems to know his way around without any help, even though it's only been a month since his surgery, the one that made him lose his vision so his brother, Uchiha Madara, could see again. Mito knows the details all too well; she is the one who performed the act and healed the both of them a few weeks ago - on the very day she came to the village, it being her new home. It has only been two weeks now since she's become the wife of Senju Hashirama, the one who people call the Hokage; two weeks of living with him who's been nothing but a gentleman, him who made her life a complete Hell.
And the worst of it - she can't bring herself to hate him for it.
"Madara-nii is on a mission," the younger Uchiha says casually as he leads her to the living room. "Would you like some tea?"
"No, thank you very much." Mito doesn't bother to hide her smile; Senju Hashirama isn't the only gentleman she knows. The way he simply sits down in opposite to her on the other side of the kotatsu without arguing about courtesies only proves it furthermore. Izuna may be blind, but he has other senses his brother never did, and never would have.
Don't I deserve something more?
"So, what brings you here, Mito-san?" he asks again, his voice holding nothing but kindness. Mito wonders how he is able to be like that; honest, straightforward and kind even when most shinobi find playing with words as easy as stealth and breathing. "As I said, if you want to talk to my brother, you..."
"I actually wanted to talk to you, Izuna-san."
"Me...?" Izuna is genuinely surprised. "About what?"
Mito hesitates, contemplating for a while. Now that she is here, just before doing what she intended to do, her resolve is suddenly weakening. Maybe she shouldn't get him involved in this; maybe he's too innocent. She wouldn't have the heart to be the one who crushes that innocence, not unless it is absolutely necessary, and her own life doesn't seem that important compared to that.
But after having watched Izuna for a while, she is starting to doubt whether he is as innocent as he looks like. After all, he is the little brother of Uchiha Madara, the man who is said to be the most vile person in the newly established Land of Fire, maybe even the whole shinobi world - or so rumour says - even though he was actually one of the few who established the shinobi world as it is now. Madara is everything but innocent, so the fact that his little brother still seems so can only mean he is strong - strong enough to keep his own view of the world and not let anything shatter it.
And if that is the case, there is nothing Mito can say that would change that - and it also makes him the only person who could truly help her; the only person capable of seeing things as they truly are.
"You know about the affair between your brother and my husband, I assume?"
Izuna whips his hand in front of his mouth; a genuine act that nearly makes Mito smile. Her voice isn't even cold as she speaks, yet it makes the young man look away, ashamed, as if he was the one just caught in the act.
"I... yes." His whole being is a living apology, even though he has no part in it. Mito finally smiles, remembering he isn't capable of seeing it; but she would probably smile even if he was. They stay silent for a while, Izuna seemingly waiting for her to say something else, and when she doesn't, he hesitantly adds, "I'm... not sure what to say."
Mito doesn't speak either. She doesn't admit it aloud, but she has no idea how to form words of all the things that are swirling inside her; so much confusion. There is no way Izuna would be able to understand without her explanation, is there? After all, they barely know each other, only spoke a few times, and-
"I only saw you once, but I remember the way you look."
Maybe he does.
"Go on."
Izuna smiles; not the first time Mito sees his smile, but the last one that was this bright was when he still had his eyes. "You're beautiful, Mito-san."
That isn't something she expected him to say, and while it makes her feel even more insecure about herself, it warms her a little.
"You think so?"
"You really want my opinion? Of all people?" If she didn't know any better, she'd feel his intense gaze on her; as unnerving as it is, there is just some unexplainable warmth about Uchiha Izuna that makes her feel slightly better, for no apparent reason.
Why am I always alone?
Izuna talks to her. Izuna does not avoid her like the plague as all the villagers do. Izuna sees her as something good, for she helped him when she came to his home, even though in the end it was the thing that made him blind. Izuna finds it natural that she'd come to him for advice even though they have nothing in common, except that the complicated relationships they have make them some sort of weird in-laws (even though apparently Mito doesn't know about his relationship with the younger Senju, despite knowing about the one the older two share, until he tells her). Izuna tells her she's beautiful, and doesn't expect anything in return.
Izuna is the first friend she has in Konoha.
Are there even answers to my questions?
"Thank you," she says softly an hour later, when he escorts her outside. It's still hard for her to even begin to understand; he couldn't say anything productive, yet he managed to somehow make her feel better. Just what is this about him that makes him so easy to love...?
"I'm sorry, Mito-san." He isn't smiling now, and Mito has to turn back upon hearing the sudden sincerity in his voice. "You know I can't offer any solution; I want my brother to be happy."
"I understand that," Mito answers with her throat tightening. She knew all along, and yet, saying it out loud makes something crumble and fall inside her. Just what is this about him that makes it so hard to listen to his honesty?
"Yet, I am honoured that you came here," Izuna suddenly continues, and she becomes even more confused. "To me, it means you're offering your friendship... and, if I may, I would like to accept."
Her breath hitches as she holds out her hand with a thoughtless nod, forgetting that he cannot see it, and tears spring into her eyes as he wraps his fingers around hers without any hesitation or uncertainty.
Just what is this about Uchiha Izuna that makes life more bearable for anyone around him?
Is there anyone out there meant for me?
"Honestly, what do you see in me?" Mito asks, her laugh a bit lighter than last time. They are sitting in her kitchen this time, she is cooking dinner, and he is waiting for Tobirama to return from a mission. Izuna turns his face towards the light sifting through the thin curtains, as if feeling the way the sunbeams come from, even though he can sense nothing of it, except maybe some warmth. His chuckle is thick and warm as always.
"I can't see, have you forgotten?"
Mito gives him a playful scowl. "You know what I mean, baka." Izuna never seems to make a big deal out of his blindness, and it took very little time for her to learn that the best way to help him is to act the same. So she has stopped trying to avoid all vision-related puns in speech, and she also learned to act as naturally around him as she acts around others, giving him expressions just like she gives others, knowing he'd still sense it somehow, if nothing else, from her tone.
"I know," Izuna grins at her, mischief literally written on his face. "I still see many things, you know."
The wooden spoon stops in her hand for a moment, contemplating what he might have meant with that.
"One of the good things about my blindness," he continues just as cheerfully, "is that things around me don't get old."
"What... do you mean?" Mito is uncharacteristically careful with his words; Izuna never talks about his condition like this.
"Simple," he laughs at her, yet there is something dire in his tone, "you can turn seventy years old, and I will still see you with an ocean of crimson-red hair and flawless skin..."
"Izuna..." Mito doesn't even know what to say to that.
"... because your soul will always be flawless."
She promptly drops the spoon.
How many forms of happiness exist?
The Kyuubi holds so much hatred in it that she wouldn't be able to cope with it if she didn't hold just as much love; or so she tells Madara when she finally gets to talk to him. But in reality, she gets that love from someone else too; someone who always listens to her, regardless of whether she's ranting about something angrily or telling something funny that reduces both of them to tears from laughing. Whenever she feels she can't bear living her life anymore, she goes to him, and he makes her feel better again, makes her accept things she cannot change. Those seances are what keep her going still, when she knows the only bearable way to continue living is to make an offer that makes them happy; to have them as friends because she can't have anything more.
She would feel bad about using him in that manner, but after a while, he opens up to her too, and she finds it's not even hard to give back; to listen to him as he tells her about how he really feels about being blind, to tell him about himself in the way she sees him just as how he told her when she needed it, to be a true friend to him because that's one thing he misses, a simple friendship among the complications that come from having a lover and an older brother.
How did I give up myself for the sake of those I love?
She repeats that one question many times, sometimes out of insecurity, sometimes just curiosity - what does Izuna really see in her that makes her worthy of being his friend?
"You're an idiot. A caring, clever, and sweet one, but an idiot nonetheless."
She always gets subtle and evasive answers that are either mocking or unnecesssarily flattering, as if he were saying oh, you know why, you don't need me to tell you, shut up already.
Maybe she does know why.
Why is what I have not enough for me?
On the night of the very first day she came to the Hidden Leaf, she found out the man she was supposed to wed loved someone else. She could have started a scandal, refusing to marry him; yet she didn't. She still isn't sure why. There was just something in Senju Hashirama that made her feel needed still, despite his feelings, and as he was the first man who really needed her in whatever way, she stayed for him, knowing it was what sealed her fate and robbed her of happiness. She stayed for the sake of the man who bestowed a beast upon her and made her feel miserable.
Why, she still doesn't fully understand.
Is there a purpose for love?
Uchiha Madara was, is, and will continue to remain a mystery to Uzumaki Mito; or so she thinks. After confronting him and making an offer faster than she can regret it, she befriends him way too easily; all the disturbing emotions that are swirling in him all the time are like a feast to her heightened senses. She was never insensitive, but she is aware that her friendship with Izuna is what made her unable to bear others' pain without trying to do anything about it, and Madara is just so full of uneasiness Mito finds herself unable to not offer something to him. They both forget they are supposed to hate each other way too fast.
She thinks the offer of letting them be together will make her own life easier too; the only thing she asks for is not to be lied in the face, to keep her dignity intact, but in reality, she is just desperate for their friendship. She still feels too much alone, with the feeling of all of the Leaf's hatred behind her back, and she knows Hashirama was never hers; if she left things as they were, it would have just led to both of them growing to hate her. Madara once openly accuses her of being "too damn perfect", and as much as it is supposed to be flattering, it just frightens her. So she offers her friendship, because that's the only thing she can do, becoming somewhat of a sister to all four of them after a while.
And yet, it's just not enough.
Why doesn't anyone want me for myself?
She bears a child to Senju Hashirama; it's as easy as it can be, with them being husband and wife only for this sake. She knows it should hurt her, yet it somehow doesn't. She grows to accept it as much as she can. She knows Hashirama wouldn't leave her alone to bring up their son; he is a gentleman after all, even if not meant for her.
Then Izuna dies, and her world collapses once again.
That night so many things happen, she can't even recall them in order the next morning. As she lays on a futon, staring at the ceiling, with a man she only talked to on a couple of occassions by her side, she is only sure of two things: something ended, and something else started. She can't even tell if either of them would turn out good or bad; Izuna is dead, Hashirama nearly died by the hand of Madara, Tobirama broke to little pieces, and she... she conceived her second child.
A few weeks later, when she finally gets to talk to Madara, she finds she has to take matters into her own hands again. The world seems to stop working if there isn't a woman's hand in it. She wonders if Izuna would agree with that statement or not; after all, he also chose a man to love.
Yet they all come to her in time of need; what is that supposed to mean? Hashirama came to her on her first day to ask her to transplant the Uchiha brothers' eyes; Izuna came to her to show her what he never even showed his own brother, how scared he sometimes really was; Tobirama came to her when he lost the most important thing in his life, even though he could have asked his brother; and Madara comes to her when he finds he needs to raise his child alone. All of them in need of a female hand, something Mito can, and will give willingly.
But it's still not enough.
What do I really want?
It's funny how sometimes we speak words we don't think through, and it's the thing that makes us realise things nobody else would have been able to make us realise. At the moment of the words leaving Mito's mouth, she finds more truth in them than she ever intended; she finds her own answers to her own questions in it, to all the hows and whys and whats, to all her life. Because as feeble as she is...
"I could have definitely fallen for you."
... she absolutely did.
Who sold my happiness? - Her father did, but later on, she had a hand in it just as well.
Don't I deserve something more? - It doesn't matter whether she deserves it or not; in the end, all that matters is what she is willing to do to gain what she wants, and she was never one to trudge over others to reach it.
Why am I always alone? - She isn't alone, never truly was, but people tend to realise that way too late, usually.
Are there even answers to my questions? - For every question asked, there are multiple answers; neither of them is better or worse than others.
Is there anyone out there meant for me? - All that she loved was meant for her in a way.
How many forms of happiness exists? - Happiness is one; the way to gain it is a million.
How did I give up myself for the sake of those I love? - Sometimes it feels easy, sometimes it feels hard, but for Mito, it's always natural.
Why is what I have not enough for me? - Because she needs time to realise what is important and what is not; that needing someone to love her physically is not necessarily a bad thing, but it never hurts to be a bit more cautious.
Is there a purpose for love? - Love doesn't need a purpose. It just exists, and whatever the reasons for it, now it's truer than ever: Mito has just as much love in her as much hatred the Kyuubi in her belly holds; and she needs that love just as much as the people around her.
Why doesn't anyone want me for myself? - They all want her for herself; for she was always what she gave and what she got, she just needed to realise this among many other things.
What do I really want? - Fulfillment, just like everyone else.
Those are the answers Mito thinks Izuna would give to those questions she was never really able to answer for herself; and despite not being able to ask him about it anymore, she is content enough with what she managed to work out. His absence still haunts all of them, but she managed to gain enough to be what she needs to be, for his memory, and for all those he left behind. She accepts her place in the world, though it takes time, decides to raise all three children together with the help of three men involved, and she decides to find happiness in it; because nobody else can do that for her.
And, as she does, she finds she can laugh freely again, the way she used to before she left Uzushio, and she can let her tongue run freely again, for she is safe where she is.
After all, since Izuna is gone, there has to be someone who speaks their mind. It's what makes life bearable.
-FIN-
A/N: Reviews are very much appreciated.