Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time.
A/N: Hello everyone. The events are not on chronological order, so don't be confused. Let me know what you think.
It's always the same dream.
"Do you miss me?" Her silky soft voice sounds like velvet and I can smell her familiar scent of apples. Her beautiful brown eyes looking right through me, as though the answer on the tip of my lips has already been said.
That face hasn't changed a bit, already she had certainly grown more beautiful than before. I manage to fight back the growing urge in me to lean forward to touch her, prove that she was real. Even if the wing was plastic on her back, there was no way Regina would be here with me.
"Do you miss me?" I ask.
The angel in front of me disappears and in her place is an alluring devil whose barely clad body beckons me closer.
Yet despite the fact that there are only a few layers that separate me from her, I feel a great distance between the two of us. As though that smile was a steel barrier that I had no shot of breaking through.
"Silly question." She laughs softly, as though the answer should already be known.
Before I can ask, her hand beckons me closer and I feel the softest kiss brush against my lips. As though she cared about me. As though she knew I cared about her.
Those eyes were still open when she kissed me.
Was she looking at me?
Or beyond?
It was a bit of a running gag in town how my parents met, how doggedly he pursued her without caring a bit about his pride or her rather formidable boyfriend whose right punch could knock out a giant for days.
He was the gangly new kid of the block and she was the beautiful princess who already had her Prince Charming. It was like imagining Sleeping Beauty ditching her guy for the court jester.
"When you find someone who you can love completely..." My dad fondly wrapped his arm around my mom and smiled. "You've got to believe in the impossibility of being ecstatically happy."
Sappy words from a sappy guy. Still, it was easy to see why he'd talk like that. His first love was a miracle. Even he couldn't believe it worked out.
But Regina and I was different. We were always together and always linked together. Back in the day when I was interrogated by all the big kids whose eyes inevitably fell on Regina, I gave the same excuse over and over again. Not that I didn't care about her, but I did care about getting beat up by the same group of guys each day.
"She is too old for me." I always answered.
Some excuse, right? Yeah, they didn't buy it either. Maybe it would have worked if she wasn't only two years older and stunningly beautiful to match. But, I worked out every day, not just because I wanted to be able to fight back. That was a reason, of course I wanted to cream every guy who looked at Regina with dirty eyes. But being younger than Regina automatically made things more difficult. At least I was taller than her, imagine being shorter and smaller than the girl you like? C'mon.
Waking up with a heavy sigh, I see the same demon face that graced the angel's body in my dream. Regina had slipped into my bed without me noticing. The scent of apples washing over me and already I feel intoxicated. She was a few inches away and despite crawling into bed in her silk pijamas, she easily took my breath away.
Looking over at the clock, I can tell the alarm is only a few minutes from going off. Even though Regina sneaks into my bed each morning, it always feels so short.
Before I could memorize everything, every curve of her lips or sigh as she snuggles against the pillow, the alarm rings and it is over. The stupidly loud alarm that jolts her awake and causes her to tumble clumsily out of bed with a loud crash.
"Ow..." Regina sleepily groans, her eyes still shut tightly "that hurts!" I can already anticipate her accusing eyes staring straight into mine, so I manage to cover myself with the blanket as though an instant protective barrier would fool her.
"Hmm, really asleep?" Regina's voice became mischievous and already I feel regret rushing through my system. But, it is too late to give up on the charade and I'm already devoted to shutting my eyes as tight as possible. But hearing a rustle as she turned off the alarm made me curious and smelling that familiar scent of apples became too much. I peeked and saw a beautiful smile form on Regina's face as she caught me.
"Gotcha!" She poked my cheek with her finger and I feel like this has happened a million times before. The first time was when we were kids. I was determined to help her draw and she was more interested in the new sticker set she got for her birthday.
"You don't have a sticker on your finger this time." I yawn exaggeratedly and by her expression, I can tell she doesn't quite fall for it. "I was dreaming of us as kids."
"Oh?" A curious light filled her eyes ."Fond memories of yours truly?"
Back then, I always knew Regina was beautiful. Even though all my guy friends warned of the deadly cooties that girls carried, I'd get the cootie shot a million times over as long as I could stay near Regina.
"Just remembering how you stuck permanent glue on the sticker and how that made the removal the most painful experience of my life."
"Most painful experience of your life so far." She shoots back, completely unfazed.
Back at school, it was always like that. I can remember that day perfectly. After a long separation, I remember walking in and seeing her instantly. The other people just melted into the background. That tended to happen when Regina was around.
It had been a while.
"You're taller." Regina's voice was filled with surprise. As though those two years gave her an impossible to overcome time advantage in growing.
"I drank a lot of milk." I shoot back, mentally wincing at the countless nights when I had nightmares of cows and monster dairy products chasing me.
"You hated milk." Her forehead still crinkles slightly in the middle when she gets confused. I guess it is a little baffling considering how important those few inchs of height I had over her was.
"I grew up." A total lie in that case considering how I have to force down milk every day.
The school bell rang so the conversation was unfortunately cut short. But there were always ways to get to spend time with Regina, even if I chose an unconventional method.
She was only wearing adornments in her hair, the rest of Regina was clad just as she was born. We had actually taken baths together when we were kids. Back then, I couldn't realize how stunningly beautiful she always was.
"Always remember..please." I can't quite hear the words she's whispering though. I can only catch fragments. Her beautiful brown eyes won't open though. They won't look back into mine anymore and for some reason, that terrifies me.
Leaning forward, my fingers barely graze her arm when I shudder. Her skin is cold, ice cold. Even though she has a rosy blush and her body looks perfect, she feels like a corpse. A beautiful talking corpse of the girl of my dreams.
"Please...forgive me..." Her lips keep moving and I feel afraid. Like I'm remembering something I don't want to remember.
Like the moment I remember, she'll be gone.
Green eyed girl, why are you crying?
Did the world treat you badly enough to feel like dying?
Stop it. I shake my head and look down at my hands. My hands that were empty before are now filled with a toy turtle.
How many times did I have to drag her to the swimming pool? Probably a million. I loved being her life preserver, but there were always haunted houses and scary movies to replace the old swimming days.
Plus, what if she was all alone in a pool by herself?
"I can't believe you finally know how to swim." We both resurface and I smile back at her. She grins back and eagerly dives into the ocean.
Wait, how much time has passed?
I quickly dive in and see her watching a group of turtles swim beneath her feeth. Her hair floating in the air softly around her peaceful face.
Why did she only look peaceful at moments like these?
We both resurface, gasping for air. After heading off to the beach to dry off, I can hear the hooting and hollering of the local boys. Regina always got a lot of interest wherever she went, it should have been something I have gotten used to by now. But my face turns a telltale red and Regina asks teasingly. "What, are you jealous?"
"Why would I get jealous?"
"Hmmm?" Regina looked closely at my face and I immediately blushed under her scrutiny. "Really?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Really." I insist, despite my blush burning more than ever.
She tossed on a shirt lazily and stretched dramatically. I can't think of a single pair of eyes that wasn't glued to her.
"C'mon, stop it."
"I thought you weren't jealous!" Regina teased back, but then she sat down next to me. "You know I only have eyes for you."
I want to avert my face so she can't see that huge grin that spreads on my face, but she caught it anyways. "I hate it when they look at you though."
"Why?" She walks up close to me, her body still dripping water. That familiar scent of apples , I'd breathe it in all day long if I could.
"They're always all over you." I look away with a pout. Partially to make my point, partially to catch my breath.
"Hey." She stops me with her hand and turns my head towards her. "Even when they're around, I don't see them. I only see you."
"Always?" I can't help but ask.
She smiles, but there is a hint of sadness as she replies "Well...as long as always can last."
"I'm sorry." The loud conversations going around us in the school cafeteria somehow muted enough for us to whisper, I tried to lean in close to a very unhappy Regina. Her hair was messy and her clothes were whatever she could find in the two minutes available to dress before school started.
"You're not." Regina wouldn't even look at me. Her lips in a permanent pout that hadn't faded from the morning. Still, she looks beautiful.
"I must have been asleep when I turned the alarm off." I insist with earnest eyes. But of course, Regina can see right through me. "Let me make it up to you. You can't stay mad at me forever over this."
"Maybe I can." She stuck out her tongue slightly and I can't help but stare. Stare as her bubblegum tongue slowly darts in between her lips that perfectly formed a slight pout. "But how would you make it up to me?"
I lean closer to her, slowly resting my hand on the small of her back. "Easy. Why don't we have a race?"
"How is this making up for anything?" Regina huffed and puffed as she dilligently ran to keep up with my light jogging.
"Weren't you always complaining about how out of shape you've gotten?" I try to slow down to seem like I'm helping, but a little bit of me feels happy. Before it was always me desperately chasing her, doing anything to keep up.
"Okay...so I was a total mess today and I'm fat?" Regina laughs incredulously, but a smile still lingers on her face. Like even she knew that her as a total mess was still stunningly beautiful and that any fat on her body would be perfectly placed so you wouldn't be able to tell that she eaten a few more slices of pie than what was wise.
"You know I didn't mean it that way."
"Yeah, but you always say things that people misunderstand. You're going to get in a lot of trouble with girls if you don't shape up."
Apparently I was always being misunderstood by her. My dad always told me that you have to be ridiculously open to failure when it came to girls. Even though it was terrifying to make the first step, you'll make it if the girl is worth it and Regina was worth it.
It wasn't like I didn't try to give her signs. I always kept looking at her lips. Imagining how it would feel, how amazing it would feel to kiss them the first time...and the second...and the millionth.
"Hmm? " Regina paused in front of me and leaned forward. Her face slightly covered with a sheen of sweat. "Did you fall in love with me?" She laughed a little at the end, certain that I hadn't.
It was kinda suprising how clueless Regina could be. Or maybe cruel would be a better word.
To this day, I don't know how I had the courage to do it. For anyone thinking movies portray a first kiss correctly, then I'm very sorry to let you all down. Because as I leaned forward to kiss the girl of my dreams, I watch her blank expression only turn to a look of complete surprise. I kept waiting for the moment where her eyes closed and a blush spread across those perfect angular cheeks, but she looked like she had seen a ghost. All I could do was close my eyes and very quickly kiss her lightly on the lips, a kiss where I'm fairly certain my teeth had been exposed accidently and gave her a slight bite instead of a caress.
For a girl who smells just like apples, she tasted completely different. She must have drank cherry soda at lunch because my first kiss tasted exactly like cherry coke. Sweet with a sparkle of electricity running through my system. There was even a buzzing noise...wait a second, what?
"I...have to go." Before I could open my eyes, I can hear Regina open her cell phone and feel her entire demeanor change. It was not a friendly everyday text message, not at all.
Open your eyes you idiot! I want so badly to see her expression, I do. But there is something so terrifyingly vulnerable about this moment, this magical moment when I finally got to kiss Regina that makes opening my eyes suddenly impossible. By the time I manage to get the strength, she's gone. Her running figure making me all the more curious as to what could possibly have been sent in that annoying text.
Mentally, I had a much different reaction from her. She was smiling back into my eyes with a growing smile, one that was nearly as wide as mine.
"Hey!" Before I can fully sink into the ground in my misery, I hear Regina's voice. She's far enough that I can't quite see her face, but I hear her perfectly. "Leave your window unlocked!"
A wave of relief rushes over me and I try not to grin like an idiot.
Tried and probably failed miserably.
That night, I didn't sleep a wink. Not when I heard the window slowly creak open and feel Regina slowly slip right next to me.
I couldn't help it.
My arm was already being used by her as a pillow. I kept my eyes closed and hugged her closely. Her body was incredibly soft. She fit perfectly against me and was so close that I could feel every bit of her on top of me. I've probably hugged Regina a million times when I was younger. But tonight was different, everything felt different.
"Hey..." Her soft scent wafted over me. "You can't be without me?"
The way she asked that question was strange. It was a question she had asked me a million times before. But tonight, it sounded like there was a hitch in her voice, an accidental slip.
"You know the answer." I can't help but smile goofily at Regina. Even though I know neither one of us are directly addressing the issue at hand, the kiss or the accidental biting of her lips, if you wanted to get more specific.
"Would you miss me, Emma?" A slighly lonely expression still lingered on her face "If I was gone?"
"Always."
A beautiful smile on her face, a soft sigh escaping those soft lips. She leaned forward and gave me a gentle kiss. So soft and tender that I was melting into a puddle. It was a miracle that I kept my arms wrapped around her.
"Miss me." She kept whispering. Her eyes looking like they were brimming with tears. "Please, don't forget me."
Her kisses tasted salty and sweet. But I couldn't live with myself if I did anything when she was like that. So I just held her close and kissed her until both of us were to exhausted to do anything but fall asleep.
Why would I need to miss her if she'll always be with me?
Why was she crying?
I want so badly to ask her. But for some reason, it feels like she'll disappear if I ask those words. So all I can do is just pull her closer and hope that maybe, just maybe, Regina would stay.
"It's freezing!" Regina's complaint sounded like music to my ears. It gave me the perfect excuse to sneak up behind her and wrap my arms around hers.
"You're cold!" She yelped and tossed me quickly to the side.
"Ouch, isn't body heat supposed to help?" I exaggeratedly rub my sides, but she's shivering so badly that I stop.
"It helps only when the person doesn't have ice on them as well." She pouts sadly, her breath softly floating in the air in a tiny stream.
"Here." Sighing heavily, I hand over my only coat and feel instantly the air freeze around me.
"Why'd you do that?" I look over at Regina, but she's not moving. All of a sudden, the scene froze around me.
"What do you think, Em?" Regina wore only a silk blue wrap, so thin that barely anything was hidden from view.
She looked like Aphrodite.
"Amazing."
A warm blush spread across her face. "C'mon draw, that way it'll last forever."
The way she said those words...like forever was impossible. Wait a second, did she say those words?
Static noise rises in the background and suddenly I have to lean my head against my was getting a bit hard to breathe. Like I wasn't supposed to be in this room. Like I wasn't supposed to be with her.
"Hey...are you okay?" Her concerned voice sounds so far away. I shake my head and suddenly the static noise stops ringing in my ears.
"Regina..." The words slip out my lips easily.
"I'm ready."
She tried so hard to seem like an adult. Even the lingerie she bought was clearly for someone much older.
My mouth was dry and I could feel a gallon of sweat begin to pour down my forehead. But she was absolutely perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
In my arms, she was so tiny. Was Regina always this small? Before I can ask, she stops me with a kiss. Any kind of comprehensible thought in my brain stops and all I can do is react.
To kiss her when she kisses me back.
To slip off that one-piece off her shoulder.
"Are you sure?" I ask her hoarsely.
She nods softly and I give in.
It was a different love story.
"You're still here?" She cried softly, leaning against the window.
It was the last day they could meet, the boy she met who was never alive in the first place.
His fingers rested gently on hers, but she couldn't feel them anymore.
"Thank you." She whispered as a sad melody began. As she spoke, he was leaning closer to kiss her head, but the screen faded to black and the movie ended.
I could feel tears dripping off of Reginas's face. She was leaning against my shoulder and was trying hard not to let me notice as she wrapped herself closer to me.
"Hey...is this a happy ending?" Regina asked me softly, pausing the romantic movie we were watching.
"As happy as their situation could be, I guess." Rubbing her shoulder softly with my hand, I try to keep my voice light. "Sometimes, you just get a bad deck of cards. Sometimes a happy ending is impossible."
She sighed and looked at the ground.
"Would you be happy in that case?"
I'm not even sure what answer she wanted. But before I could think of one, she left the room.
Didn't my answer matter?
Why did this feel so familiar?
"It's beautiful." Regina's hair was down and gently swayed in the wind. A bright yellow shawl was wrapped around her shoulders and I felt completely enchanted.
"You shouldn't push yourself." I can't help but worry as she climbs eagerly over the mountain. "Didn't the doctor tell you to be careful?"
"Hmm...thanks Mom." Regina teased me back and I laughed as I hear her scamper up the hill.
She was getting her strength back.
Thank God.
Wait a second, I pause and look around me.
How did I get here?
But Regina is calling me over and already that silly question fades into the background.
This is going to be different.
This time, I'll make sure of it.
"Do you like it?"
I honestly never was a fan of chocolate as a kid.
Regina blushed as she covered up the parts of her body that wasn't submerged in chocolate.
But in this case, I think things are about to change.
"How did you...?" I can't even comprehend how she pulled this off. The chocolate or the roses...
"In dreams, anything is possible." She smiled back at me and for a second, I pause.
Wait.
Is this a dream?
Does it matter?
There were flowers lining the pathway.
"Regina?" I ask gingerly, as though everything made sense. It didn't, it was a convoluted mess. But, somehow I knew that something was wrong.
"Can I go?" She asks me softly and for a second, I see a light linger on her chest. So brightly, I can't believe I didn't see it in the first place.
"Go where? Are you holding a flashlight?" I ask her, but there is no conviction in my words. As though I was a bad actress reading from a silly script.
"I need to rest. Or do you need me?"
The static noise was getting so loud that I could barely hear her soft and silky voice. The familiar scent of apple is now overpowering me and I feel so sick that it is a miracle I don't vomit.
"What if I was selfish?" I can't help but ask her. "What can I do to keep you with me?"
She smiled sadly. "Just give me a flower. I need to rewind."
This isn't a funny joke. If it was a joke. My mind can't think straight because of that damn static noise.
Back in the day, Regina and I had a secret hideout. A special area away from all the other boys and girls who were always plotting nefarious schemes to outwit the opposite sex. Back then, it wasn't cool to admit that you liked a anyone even though they were obviously growing up in ways that captivated interest.
We would play games in that hideout. Games that Regina usually won. Whenever that would happen, I would hold up my hands and laughingly claim that I had let her win. Sometimes, I would be telling the truth. But Regina was always the picture of health in my memories. Back before...that happened.
"Found him!" Regina's triumphant voice rang out through the swamp as I followed close behind, wheezing slightly.
"Nice!" I laugh as I wipe water off my face. Regina's covered in watter too, but she doesn't care. We were both a complete mess of swamp water and mud. "I bet Archie is glad to be back in your hands. I swear he was hopping away from mine towards yours the entire time."
"You know Archie can't tell whose hands he's hopping away or towards." Regina laughed, but of course I knew differently, I knew Regina's hands just like I knew my own. Regina's hands were just like the rest of Regina, soft and beautiful with just the right curves that fit perfectly in mine.
"Archie's a guy, of course he can tell!" I laugh, still wiping away at the dripping swamp water on my face.
"Oh...so any guy can?" A mischievous smile crossed Regina's face. "Does that mean you see me as a guy then?"
"I always looked at you as a girl."
She would always have the same reaction to that statement. First, she'd look away with a feigned haughty air, as though she wanted me to believe that she knew I'd answer that way. But, I would always catch a glimpse of her face before she turned. I would see her smile and it was beautiful.
How could anyone see her and not see a beautiful girl?
"Hey, what are you thinking of?" Regina was munching on a tasty treat and I couldn't help but lean my head against hers.
"You." I say as she leans in and kisses me.
She blushed and honestly, I kept thinking how lucky I was. How perfect these days were all the time.
Wait, is that possible?
Static in the background and it feels like my eyes are getting a little blurry. But I shake my head and try to ignore that dizzy feeling.
It'll be all right as long as Regina is with me.
"Hey stranger." I guess I had been silent too long and Regina poked my cheek gently "Penny for your thoughts?
To be honest, all I could think of was one thing.
"You really think she'd follow after you ditched her?" My bother wasn't the type that minced his words, biting as they may be.
"You have to understand it from my perspective." I shoot back "What if she pushed me away?"
"Regina?" August laughed, his eyes stil glued to his NDS. "Well, as long as we're playing the 'what if' scenarios...what if she didn't?"
"This doesn't help Gus..." Leaning back with a heavy sigh, I ask. "What can I do?"
"Run to her house with a boombox and play a song by Peter Gabriel?" August laughed. "Or maybe you could visit her. Regina texted me that she's sick and I think you can step it up and maybe change this."
"This is amazing!" Regina laughed and her bright smile matched mine as I stared back at her stunning brown eyes.
"I aim to please." I say as I did many times before and feel a wave of relief wash over me as she smiles back. It was a brillant idea, even if my wallet was weeping tears of Jeffersons and Franklins along the entire island.
"C'mon, we have to see everything." She tugged on my arm and for the entire day, we became one with the island. I ate enough pineapple to last me several lifetimes.
Finally when the sun was setting and fatigue kicked in, Regina turned to me with a smile.
"I've got an idea." She laughed "Let's draw each other."
"Can't we do something else?"
Apparently, there was nothing else to do on this island.
"Hmph." Regina sighed heavily and I could see her staring at me from the corner of her eye.
The entire time, Pongo was blissfully yawning in the sunlight.
Lucky dog.
"C'mon, we can do other things." I try to hand out an olive branch.
"Psh, just go meet other girls." Regina pouted.
They do exist, you know.
It wasn't like I was invisible to them either. Every now and then, I'd catch a girl looking over.
Although how you can really tell what girls are thinking is beyond me. I only associated with them through Regina. The only one I truly understood was Regina.
Did I want to change that?
Was it time to just move on?
I mean, it wasn't like I hadn't tried.
She was keeping secrets, secrets she'd never tell me.
But she wasn't somone you could replace.
I can't imagine being someone else's life preserver. Or placing a sticker on some random girl's cheek and feeling even close to the way I'd feel with Regina.
Secrets, they were driving me crazy...
But in the end, she was the one I wanted.
She was the one I needed.
I shake my head and laugh at the thought that I had any doubts.
As though I could possibly be happy without my Regina.
That static, why did it pop up so randomly? As though the tape had skipped suddenly. But now, it was falling into place.
The tape will be heard.
"Stay still!" Regina commanded.
It was impossible to stay still when I could feel her eyes on me.
First, she would stare at my face. Then, my arms. Then, my neck.
It was enough to drive me crazy.
"Hey, you moved!" Regina laughed and I snapped back into place.
Several hours passed before she was satisified, but that was Regina. A perfectionist to the end, she could always find the tiniest flaws in her work that people would praise as masterpieces.
"C'mon, it's late." After she finished sketching, she was busy coloring in the lines. While I was happy to see the painting that caused the horrible crick in my neck to form, I wanted to see her, touch her, feel her.
All things that were impossible as she sat in that high chair.
"Tell me a secret." Regina's voice is a little sluggish and for a second, I wonder if it was the wisest decision opening up that bottle of christmas wine.
"I never keep any secrets from you." I answer and honestly, there is nothing I could possibly hide from Regina. She knew everything about me. All it took was one stare from her and I was completely transparent.
But Regina was different. It was like there was a veil, a impenetrable veil between her and me. I could tell by her eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that told no secrets and held no lies.
"Everybody has secrets." She leaned forward and all I can do is stare back at her. The Christmas light gave her brown hair a light pink tint, or maybe my mind was finally going a little crazy. She was like a drug I couldn't stop taking.
But was it the same for her?
"Tell me yours." I want to say those words. But maybe I knew the answer and I didn't want to hear it.
Maybe I knew if I did, this would be all over.
"Hey, can you draw me?" She suddenly asks.
"Let me draw around you." I stare back at her and she smiled back at me. Her eyes were still cloudy and before I can say anything else, she eagerly stands up and nods her head.
"Wait a second." She runs into the closet and grabs a dress. But before I can say anything, she changes out of her Christmas attire and into the dress she picked out of the closet. It was so quickly, you could blink and miss it.
"How did...?" Before I can ask another question, my mind goes to static. It must be the wine, surely I had too much to drink. "Just sit down there."
She sits down eagerly and I carefully draw clouds behind her.
After taking a picture, she turns to me and asks. "Why clouds?
"They fit." I can't think clearly. Not when she was so close to me. Looking down and breathing that familiar apple.
What should I do?
"She's amazing." A content smile spread across Regina's beautiful face and I can't help but stare. At her and the world's luckiest cat.
"Are you feeling better?" I gingerly ask and for a second, a shadow crosses her face. Her eyes lower and she ponders the question.
"Hmm, now I am." Kissing the cat gently on the forehead, Regina laughed. "What's a good name for a cat like this?"
"Err...Regina II?"
"That's a terrible name!"
"What? I've been calling her that ever since she was a kitten." Staring at her with mock horror, I reply. "I'm pretty sure that cat already thinks that's her name."
"You're joking." Regina looks at me with hopeful eyes, but as I shake my head reluctantly, she sighs. "Well...at least there'll always be a Regina around you."
She looked so sad for a moment that I had to ask "What, you're already abandoning the cat? Just because of a bad name?"
She looks up and smiles at my bad joke "You know I didn't mean that."
Then, what did you mean? The question is on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow it back.
She wouldn't answer it.
No, she wouldn't.
I had to listen to her last request.
My eyelids were so heavy that it felt as though they were glued shut, I was surrounded by darkness that I could see and feel with every inch of my being. But oddly enough, I wasn't scared.
"Really, you came here?" A gentle voice wrapped around me and I felt a familiar happiness that I hadn't felt in the longest time. The sweetest scent of apple entered my mouth and a pair of the softest lips brushed against mine. So soft at first that I can barely feel it, but she leans in closer and already I'm melting into a happiness that had long disappeared one terrible night long ago.
"I…don't want to wake up if it's a dream." Mumbling, my eyes feel a lot less heavy but I'm too scared to open them. Too many times I've talked with Regina and open my eyes to see an open space. "If this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up."
"Hmmm…." I can hear a teasing smile in her voice, that soft and gentle voice that ran circles in my head every day since she left. "How can I prove to you this isn't a dream then?"
"Stay with me." Immediately, the words I could never say before finally fall from my lips. "Don't ever leave me again."
Silence. Then I felt her warmth spread through my arm as she gently nestled her head against my shoulder, leaning her body close to mine as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I clung to her like a drowning man would cling to the only piece of ship; I clung to her like she was the only existence in this darkness, which to me was the truth.
Trailing my fingers against her soft cheek, that tiny slope on the back of her neck, I felt as though I was falling. I was falling and I didn't, no…I couldn't stop. If I stopped, if I let her go…at that moment it felt as though some part of me must have known. Known that this was going to be the last dream, the last kiss, the last time Regina would ever be able to fulfill my only wish.
The tips of her fingers slowly tracing words on the back of my neck, at first I jumped before slowly closing my eyes. Even though this isn't real…the cool darkness is feeling less lonely, less unbearably lonely by the second.
"I…love you…" Her fingers slowly traced the words over and over again, but it didn't take long for the words to fill my back as though the words had taken on an entirely new life of their own. Warm…it was so warm… A sigh danced lightly upon my lips before I quickly swallowed it back, savoring what little warmth that carelessly lingered by.
"Bye..." Before I can open my eyes, I feel a pair of lips that had long lost any semblance of warmth press so gently against my back that when I opened my eyes and softly pressed the tips of my fingers to the exact spot her lips had touched, it was already gone. The air had already stolen it away, a kiss that never existed to begin with.
Regina had a secret ever since she was a kid. She couldn't swim. Push her into a pool barely above her head and she'd drown without a life preserver.
"It's not like I forgot what you said earlier." Regina's arms were snugly wrapped around my neck as she tried desperately to keep afloat.
"I thought girls like being told they were young." Keeping my voice as light as possible, I feel a warm blush spread across my cheeks. Regina was close, really close. Her soft warm body pressed tightly against mine and even though the pool water had a distinct smell of chlorine, her familiar scent of apples washed over me.
"That only applies to women when they're much older. Not kids." Pouting heavily, Regina couldn't maintain an angry tone as I served as her swim buddy/life preserver in the school's swimming pool.
It would be too much to claim a stroke of luck in having Regina as my pool buddy. Outright bribery of her fellow classmate and swimming instructor was the only possible way I could be Regina's swimming buddy ever since the school year began. Considering how Regina hadn't learned how to swim, or even float...I can't really claim to be the best kind of swim buddy around.
Like heck I cared about that though. Being Regina's life preserver was a right only for me.
"You're not a kid."
I say the words softly, but not because I'm scared of other people hearing it. I say it softly into her ear, pleading with her to listen. To trust me when I tell her something because I'll always say the truth to her.
She smiles, but there is a hint of sadness to her smile as she asks just as softly "Does it matter?"
"Not really." Leaning my forehead against her head, I whisper back "Young or old, I'd like you either way."
"Hmph." A small laugh escaped her lips "Your dad's sappy lines are rubbing off on you."
We both looked at each other and laughed. Of course, that moment was broken up by the swimming instructor who had noticed Regina and I standing still in the middle of the pool while the other students were diligently swimming away. While other people's conversations had faded completely to me when Regina was nearby, the paddleboard to the head knocked me unconscious and Regina had to get help to drag my floating body to the poolside for safety.
"You definitely owe me one now." Regina laughed and her smile was so wide that I didn't mind the inevitable debt that my poor wallet would have to pay for her surprisingly insatiable stomach.
"Same place, same time." I toss back with a matching smile.
Regina was already waiting patiently at our usual place. Her hair tied back neatly and I was struck by her new glasses.
"They make me look like a dork." Regina sighed "But I can't stand wearing contacts after swimming."
"You look smart." I gently knock my shoulder against hers.
"Wait, does that mean I don't look like smart if I don't have glasses on?" Regina knocked back with her shoulder against mine, a bit harder than I had.
"Either way, you look perfect."
A beautiful blush spreads rapidly across her face and she bit her lip softly as she looked away. The sun was setting, we always walked slowly after school. Not because either one of us was lazy or out of shape, but because this made the time we spent everyday longer.
"You always say the right things." She whispered, her words carried to me by the wind. "But why is that?"
"Hmm?" I cock my head confusedly "Isn't it obvious?"
"Is it really that easy?" Regina's voice was becoming so soft that I could barely hear her. It almost like she wasn't there at all. "To say those things and really mean it?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
It was like I was driving a car in a circle and finally made a sharp turn off of a cliff.
Green eyed girl, why are you crying?
Did the world treat you badly enough to feel like dying?
I had to stop this cycle.
"Hey...what's wrong?" Regina came close to me and rested her warm forehead against mine "You're acting strange."
"Just..." I want to say everything and only have her listen and tell me that it'll be all right. But I know she won't answer that way and because of that certainty, I can't ask her anything. "...nothing."
She smiled softly "C'mon. Let's go to sleep. I need my arm pillow."
It was out of nowhere.
"Regina?" The side of the bed that belonged to her was empty. It was so cold that she must have left a long time ago. "Regina, where are you?"
Phone calls that were never answered. Family members that would shut the door in my face.
Regina vanished off the face of the Earth so easily, it was almost like she wasn't there in the first place.
But whenever that terrible thought crosses my mind, I remember. Those nights she fell asleep in my arm. Those nights she held me close.
That night when she was finally mine.
It would be months before I found out what happened to her.
"This is perfect!" Regina smiled widely, her eyes dancing with excitement as she stared at the beautiful sea life swimming before our eyes.
"Well, I always aim to please." Sticking out my chest, I match her smile perfectly. "C'mon, let me try to show off my completely useless knowledge of all sea life."
"How are you such an expert on these things?" Regina leaned closely near me and I easily wrapped my arm around her waist. It just felt natural, like taking a step forward.
"My mom and dad met at Sea World, so they went there religiously each year with me in tow." I can't help but suddenly feel awkward. Regina was so close and my hand was getting sweaty. Sweaty enough that I had to focus a good deal of my attention to make sure it didn't slip.
"Well, thanks for taking me here." She smiled back at me and for a moment, it felt like the world has paused. The fishes stopped swimming and Regina was just standing there.
And I kissed her.
It was fate.
As I kissed her and she kissed me, it felt like I was sinking into the ground and just feeling everything along the way.
Soft. Silky. Smooth.
A taste of apple.
A nibble of vanilla.
It was intoxicating.
My brain was turning into mush, even more so because it was so late at night.
The only question was whether or not I could stop.
Falling asleep next to her was the epitome of suffering. I mean, the most wonderful possible suffering there is, but still...suffering.
How could I sleep?
She lay on top of me with her tiny body, her arms wrapped gently around my waist. That familiar scent of apples wafting into my nose and overwhelming my senses.
As I stared up at her beautiful face, I could see a tiny drool slowly leak out of her mouth. I laughed gently, but could hear her softly grumble as her pillow (me) shifted around and made her spot less comfortable. What if things were different?
Let's change the story now.
What if I could save her?
"Hey stranger." Regina's familiar face, that beautiful face that haunted my every dream and memory, finally appeared on the screen. "I guess I have a lot of explaining to do."
She sighed softly and shook her head slightly. "I wanted to tell you...a million times. Everyday, I wanted to tell you. That day I got diagnosed, all I could think of was how I could tell you."
She paused and for a second, her chin trembles. Her bangs covering her eyes so I can't possibly see them. But she takes a second to breathe in and looks up with a smile. "I guess I wanted to be selfish in the end. I'm sorry about that. But, I wanted to be with you. Every day, I wanted to be with you. I knew...that the treatment had such little chance of working and I'd never get to see you and I was so scared and..."
Tears fill her eyes and I can tell she's widening them as much as possible so not a single tear falls. Before it can possibly fall, she places both her fingers on her cheeks and smiles widely. "Please, forgive me? I want you to remember me like this. Healthy and always, loving you."
The tape ended and I looked through the box. There were only one piece of notebook paper.
Was it her handwriting? Or was it someone else?
All it said was a hospital and a room number.
"Hey!" Regina was bouncing off the walls. "You never answered my question."
She pouted slightly and I couldn't help but smile. Smile that I got to spend the day with Regina and smile because she had asked the question I always wanted to hear.
"The girl I like?" I pause dramatically "She's got to be special, not the kind of girl you'd find anywhere."
Regina stuck her tongue out "That didn't answer the question."
Looking down with a grin, I can't help but wonder how specific I should get at this point. I always knew who the only girl was for me in the end after all.
"It doesn't matter actually." I look up at Regina and laugh. "She's way out of my league."
Her jaw dropped and for a second she paused in the middle of the side walk.
"Regina?" I look back to see her turning bright red and gripping her hands.
"I can be better than her." She looked back at me with determined eyes "I can be a much better girl for you than that girl!"
I probably should have told her that I was just describing her to herself. But being a teenage girl doesn't mean I always give the most mature responses.
"Whatever." Walking away with a nonchalant air, I can't help but be relieved she can't see the huge silly grin on my face.
"Regina?" I whisper low enough to make sure she won't hear. "It is you. It was always you."
The hospital was completely empty by the time I got there and the visiting hours were long over. It was sheer luck that I knew one of the nurses, someone who had known both me and Regina since childhood.
Even August had known about this...why was I the only person left out?
I had a million questions I wanted to ask her. They were are burning on the tip of my lips, but they were soon forgotten the moment I saw Regina. Or what remained of Regina as she lay quietly on the hospital bed.
"You...came." Her words were barely audible from the oxygen machine tubing and I can't tell if the trembling is from emotion or the exertion necessary to force the words out. "I...knew...you...would."
My knees keep buckling, but I somehow manage to stand. I can't let her see me act any different.
At the very least, she deserves that.
"I wanted to see you." I force a smile and taste salty tears.
Damn.
"Why?" She shifts her eyes sadly "I...look...awful."
Leaning forward to grab her hand, that soft fragile hand that now feels like a thin bag of bones, I tell her "You've always been the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"Liar." A tiny smile cracked her lips. They were so pale, her entire body was so pale that it seemed like all the color was sucked out of her by those infernal tubes.
"I mean it." I gently squeeze her hand and smile back for real this time "I could never lie to you."
She laughed slightly, but the laugh ends in a coughing fit. I can't do anything.
Not a single thing to save her.
"Hey..." Regina smiled softly, her dark eyes locked onto mine. "Can you tell me one last story?"
"You're heavy!" I groan heavily, but that only made Regina hug me more tightly from behind. She was actually as light as a feather, but I liked how she would tighten her grip every time I complained.
"Mmm...do you hate girls like me?" Suddenly, her voice grew sad and I can tell she's still worried about what had happened earlier. It wasn't her fault that every guy was surrounding her like a piece of meat, but it still made me angry thinking about how they undressed her with their eyes.
Even back then, she was mine.
It wasn't something I questioned. Just like she never had to question that I was hers.
That's just how it was and how it'd always be.
"Hey! You never answered!" Regina gently hit the back of my shoulder "What kind of girl do you like?"
"Hmm..." I paused with a silly smile. "I guess I like shorter hair."
Of course I was lying, since Regina's brown hair went all the way down to her back. Actually, it didn't matter to me. She'd look just as beautiful bald in my eyes.
"Hmph." Regina turned and pouted ."Well, so do I."
I know she didn't care either.
But the next day, we both got haircuts.
"Just a coincidence?" I ask her skeptically as she tied her hair in a tiny ponytail.
"Just a coincidence." She agrees as I absent-mindedly tug at my much shorter golden locks.
As I was telling the story, Regina's hand was slowly falling out of mine. No matter how tightly I held her hand, there was no strength left.
Her eyes were closed and they would never open.
She was gone.
"Regina?" I whisper. "It really wasn't a coincidence."
Nothing about you and me was a coincidence.