A/N: Merry Christmas! I had originally planned to use this scene in Apologize but it got cut because there wasn't room for it, so I've decided to post it separately. Now I know on the show Kate told Castle that she stopped believing in Santa when she was 3; but while I believe she stopped believing at a young age, I thought from the look on her face that she might have been pulling his leg a bit…so since this is my AU verse anyway, I gave her a little extra time to believe. I hope you'll all enjoy this scene; it had originally been intended to be in the chapters 25/26 arc of Apologize when Kate was recuperating from her car accident.
Christmas Memory
"It's summertime and they're showing Christmas movies," Kate said with disgust as she flipped the channel.
"They do seem to start earlier every year," Johanna agreed from her spot at the opposite end of the sofa. "It's just too bad it wasn't a good Christmas movie."
"I wouldn't watch it if it was."
"Why not?"
"Because it's summer! I don't want to watch Christmas movies this time of year," Kate declared. "I don't even want to watch them during the holiday season."
Johanna's brow rose in surprise as she looked at her daughter. "You always liked Christmas shows."
"That was a long time ago, before I realized how sappy they were. Now they just kind of make me cringe."
Her mother sighed as she shifted a bit. "I'm afraid to ask how you feel about Christmas music."
"I don't mind a Christmas song here and there. I just don't like those radio stations that flip over to constant holiday music the week of Thanksgiving. You end up hearing four different versions of 'Silent Night' in an hour and then you have to hear Mariah Carey singing 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' at least five thousand times a season."
Johanna laughed. "Okay, I'll give you that one. That song does grate on the nerves after awhile."
"You're damn right it does. Doesn't she know any other songs? That song has been on my last nerve for at least the past ten holiday seasons."
"I'm sure you're not the only person who feels that way," Johanna replied before lapsing into silence as she debated the merits of broaching the question that had come to mind. Finally, she decided to be brave. "What do you and your father do for Christmas?"
Kate squirmed slightly; she'd been afraid that question would come up. "I work on the holidays," she answered.
"Every year?"
"Pretty much."
"What about your father? You don't leave him alone on Christmas, do you? You go and see him when you get off work, right?" her mother asked; a knot twisting in her stomach.
Oh boy, this wasn't going to go over well, Kate thought to herself. "Dad goes to the cabin during the holiday."
Johanna's eyes widened. "You're not together for Christmas at all!"
"We see each other before he goes."
"Do you at least buy each other a gift?"
"We don't really know what to get each other so we just do gift cards for the stores and places that we know each other likes."
"This is terrible," Johanna muttered. "You don't spend Christmas together and you don't give each other a gift."
"We give each other gifts; they're gift cards...gift is in the title."
"Gift cards are cold and impersonal! You should at least have one gift to go with it."
Kate shot her an amused smirk. "So what you're saying is, don't get you a gift card for Christmas, right?"
"If you want me to have a gift, you go in the store and pick something out just like I'll go pick out something for you," Johanna declared.
"You don't have to do that," Kate replied; "And in case you didn't know, most gift cards have different designs, so technically I'd still be picking something out."
"That's not funny, Katie. I don't find anything amusing about the fact that you and your father spend the holiday apart and that neither one of you take the time to find one small gift to go with the envelope full of gift cards."
"Mother," she sighed; "The gift cards are enough. It's not like I'm a little kid. Dad and I are fine with the way we celebrate the holiday. We're not into the Christmas hoopla; it's just another day."
"No, it isn't! It's Christmas and you should be with your family. Surely you get the holiday off sometimes. Isn't there a rotation so the same people aren't always working those shifts every year? You could've gone to the cabin with him, couldn't you?"
"We don't have a problem with the way we do things."
"Well I do," Johanna declared as tears gathered in her eyes.
Kate tensed. "Yeah, well forgive us if Christmas just wasn't the same without you and we didn't want to bother with it anymore. How do you celebrate it?"
"I don't."
"Then who are you to judge?"
Johanna's eyes snapped to her daughter's face. "I didn't have anyone to share Christmas with; but the two of you had each other and that thought was the only thing that made the holidays bearable for me. I'd think of the two of you being together...and now I know you were both alone and I can't stand it. I can't help it if I think that's awful. No matter the reason for my absence, I'd never want you to stop having Christmas."
"That's fine in theory but we don't care to celebrate. You were always the one who made a big deal out of Christmas, not us. We're fine with our arrangement; now let's drop this subject before it turns into an argument because I don't want to argue with you," Kate remarked.
Johanna fell silent. Katie was right; she had always made a big deal out of Christmas. She had always wanted to make Christmas special for her family and she did whatever it took to accomplish that. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the sofa. That had been especially true the Christmas when Kate was six, and without warning the memories began to roll through her mind.
Three days before Christmas, Johanna aggressively took her rolling pin to the cookie dough. She probably wouldn't be attacking the dough with such gusto if wasn't for the fact that she just gotten off the phone with her mother-in-law...also known as the murderer of Christmas spirit. She wished she could have the woman charged for the crime she had committed last Christmas and she wished she could be the one to prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law. Unfortunately being a rotten grandmother and telling a newly minted five year old that there was no Santa, wasn't a crime in the legal sense of the word; but it should be. Johanna's jaw tightened, she still wanted to ring Elizabeth Beckett's neck for dashing Katie's spirit and excitement the year before.
The Santa scandal had cast a pallor over the entire holiday season; a small war had erupted; people had taken sides, dinners were boycotted, and Frank McKenzie had personally telephoned Elizabeth to tell her that if it had been possible for Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch to have a love child, she would've been it. Johanna smiled a bit at that memory but then suppressed it as she glanced at Katie who was standing on a kitchen chair, patiently waiting to press the cookie cutters into the dough. She just had to make this Christmas perfect for Katie...she had to give her back some of the magic she had been robbed of. She sighed, her baby would've still had a few more years to believe; and it still made her sad to think of those moments being stolen. It also made her determined to make it the best Christmas ever, and she had juggled her schedule and arranged things so that she could have the entire week off to spend with her daughter.
"Is it ready, Mommy?" Katie asked.
Johanna shook away her thoughts and glanced at the dough that she was still attacking. It was more than ready. "It's ready for you," she answered.
Katie snatched the star shaped cookie cutter and pressed it into the cookie dough. "Are we going to make peanut butter cookies too?"
"Yes; and we're going to make chocolate chip cookies."
"And fudge?" her daughter asked; glancing at her with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.
"Of course we're going to make fudge, silly. Daddy would have a fit if we didn't have fudge for him."
Katie giggled. "Would he cry?"
"He might and we don't want that, do we?"
"No!" she exclaimed; discarding the star and reaching for the tree shaped cutter.
While she was happily pressing trees into the dough, Johanna decided she better ask her about her Christmas list one last time to be sure that everything had been taken care of. "Katie, what do you want for Christmas?"
"A Nintendo," she answered.
That coveted item had been number one on her daughter's list ever since she had seen the game system at her Uncle Frankie's house. Jim had bought it for her as soon as she had mentioned it and it was wrapped and hidden on the closet shelf in their bedroom. She smiled a little; she had a feeling that Jim was just as eager to get his hands on it as his daughter was and she anticipated that they would spend his days off after Christmas glued to that thing...and she couldn't wait to watch them enjoy it together.
"What else?"
"Some new Barbies and Barbie stuff."
"Check," Johanna said silently. She had picked out several Barbies and bought all kinds of accessories for them, including a horse; while various relatives were giving her the play sets she had circled in the now ragged Christmas Wish Book.
"Oh, and that Barbie car, Mommy! The one on the Barbie page in the catalog with the working lights; not that generic one on the next page."
She stifled a laugh; she couldn't thank her father enough for teaching her six year old the term 'generic'. The specified car, however, had been ordered and shipped to her office weeks ago and had been smuggled home without detection.
"Daddy says that car is a corvette," Katie stated.
"That's right, it is. I think Daddy would like to have a real corvette to drive around."
"Should we get him one for Christmas?" their daughter asked.
Johanna laughed. "Corvettes cost a lot of money, sweetie. You'd have to get a job and help me pay for it."
Katie giggled. "I'll go to work with you, Mommy."
"I'd like that," she replied; rubbing a hand against her child's back. "But I think you should probably finish elementary school first."
"Do you think he'll like his watch?"
"He'll love it, you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because you picked it out for him."
Her daughter smiled. "I can't tell you what you're getting. It's a secret. Daddy said I couldn't spill the beans like I did about your birthday present or he'll hang me upside down and tickle me until my toes fall off."
She said it so seriously that Johanna couldn't help but laugh. "He said that?"
"Yep; and I don't want my toes to fall off so I'm not gonna tell you."
"I understand. I'll just wait and find out Christmas morning like you have to do. What else do you want?"
"A Cabbage Patch Doll..."
She'd be getting that from her grandmother. Cabbage Patch dolls were on the list of all of Naomi McKenzie's granddaughters and she wanted to be the one to deliver them.
"Lots of books!"
Books were always on the list; her little girl loved a good story. Short stories weren't cutting it at bedtime anymore so Johanna had decided it was time to add chapter books to her library.
"Do you think I might get those books that Grandma read to you when you were a little girl?"
"You'll have to wait and see," her mother told her. While they had been scanning the Christmas catalog, they had come across the complete set of the Little House on the Prairie novels and Katie had asked her about them. She told her that they were about a little pioneer girl and that Grandma had read them to her and Aunt Colleen when they were little. Her daughter proclaimed that she wanted to read them too, and so the set of books had gone on her wish list. She had ordered them without hesitation and was looking forward to reading them with her. She had also gotten her a copy of Charlotte's Web, and a few Boxcar Children novels to see if she'd like mysteries. Katie's list continued on; accessories for her dolls, puzzles and games, roller skates, a baseball glove and a baseball bat.
Robert Beckett had claimed the baseball glove from the gift list; declaring that a girl's first glove should come from her Grandpa. Jim had taken great pride in choosing the right bat for her, and had also come home with a pink fishing rod for her as well; which he said she'd be needing for the summer.
"...And those boots I saw at Macy's..."
Johanna's heart swelled with pride on that note. Her baby had inherited her shoe fetish; the boots were hidden away as well, and they were so damn cute she wished she could get her own foot into them.
"...and Lego's..."
Lego's was a last minute addition this week and she hoped that Jim remembered to stop and pick some up while he was running errands. He had promised that he would get them but if he forgot, she'd just have to drop Katie off with her mother in the morning and go get them herself.
"And I need Hot Wheels," Katie stated. "Greg's going to bring his race track when we all stay with Grandma and I don't want to have to borrow a car. Grandma doesn't like it when we all fight over cars."
"Grandma does get a little upset about those things," Johanna agreed. There had been a brief moment when she feared that her girly girl was turning into a tomboy, but then she realized that wasn't really the case at all. Katie was just as at ease playing cars with her boy cousins as she was playing Barbies with the girls and that was a good thing. It also served to remind her that she herself had sometimes played with cars and toy guns with Frankie when they were kids; as well as playing dolls with Colleen. Katie would find a few Hot Wheels in her stocking on Christmas morning.
"What are my girls up to?" Jim asked as he stepped into the kitchen.
"We're making cookies, Daddy," his daughter announced; "And later we'll make fudge."
"I'm glad to hear that," he replied as he pressed a kiss to her cheek and then slipped an arm around his wife and brushed a kiss against her lips. She gave him a smile; her eyes conveying a silent 'we'll talk when she's out of the room' message.
"Katie, do you want to go watch TV while these are in the oven?" Johanna asked. "I'll yell for you when I'm ready to start the peanut butter cookies."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
"Okay."
Jim picked her up from the chair and set her on her feet on the floor as Johanna put the cookies in the oven. "Did you get them?" Johanna asked once Katie was out of earshot.
"I got them," he replied. "I wasn't sure exactly which ones to get so I just picked out a few different things."
His wife eyed him knowingly. "Found some Lego's you liked, did you?"
Jim smirked as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "A woman who spends the majority of her Sunday afternoons having tea parties and playing Barbies shouldn't throw stones."
"Touché," she laughed.
"Mommy," Katie said from the doorway; startling her and making her jump slightly.
"What is it, Katie?" Jim asked.
"I forgot something on my list."
"What?" Johanna said; a small tremor of panic rippling through her at the thought that it might be something that she didn't already have hidden away, or worse, something that was sold out this late in the game.
"Snow," her daughter announced. "I need snow for Christmas."
She definitely couldn't find that on a store shelf. "Why do you need snow, Baby?"
"Because Grandpa McKenzie said that if it snows for Christmas, he'll take us sledding! He said that I can use your sled that your grandpa made for you when you were a little girl like me! Is that true, Mommy? Did your grandpa make you a sled?"
"Yeah, he did."
"Is it okay if I use it? Grandpa said he cleaned it up real nice and he has sleds for the other kids too! I need snow really, really bad, Mommy. I want to go sled riding. Do you think you can get me snow for Christmas?"
Johanna's heart sank; that was one thing she couldn't get for her. She wished she could, more than anything.
"Katie," Jim said gently; sensing his wife's dilemma. "I wouldn't count on snow for Christmas, honey. The weatherman says that the snow isn't going to reach us this time. Maybe Grandpa can take you and your cousins sledding some other time."
Their daughter pouted. "But it won't be the same, Daddy. I want to go on Christmas. Mommy, can't it snow for me anyway? Can't you make it?"
"I can't make it snow," she answered; "But maybe if we both wish very hard for it, it'll surprise us and snow anyway."
"I'm going to wish for it every night," Katie declared.
"Me too," Johanna promised. "We'll see what happens."
Her daughter nodded and then headed back to the living room; leaving her to sigh as she looked at the mess on the counter.
"She'll have a wonderful Christmas whether it snows or not," Jim said quietly.
"But I want it to be the best Christmas possible for her...especially after last year...when the Grinch stole Christmas from us."
Her husband laughed. "Sweetheart, let it go. Katie's fine."
"I'll never let it go. Mark my word; one day, your mother will pay for what she did."
"I don't doubt it a bit," he replied as he pressed a kiss against head. "But don't worry, Christmas is going to be wonderful for her no matter what and if it doesn't snow, I'm sure Frank will promise to take her out sled riding when it does and she'll be fine. She'll be so busy opening presents and playing with her cousins that it won't matter much."
That might be true...but still...she wanted Katie to have as much fun and excitement as possible, and apparently she needed snow for some of it. The one thing she couldn't give her...she hated when that happened. She'd hate it even more if Katie was disappointed on Christmas morning.
"You know, you don't have to try so hard," her husband murmured.
"Yes, I do."
"Why?"
"Because with a few exceptions, you come from a family full of Christmas haters."
"I do not," Jim laughed.
She shot him a disbelieving look as she began to clean up some of the mess. "I don't know; your mother tells small children that there's no Santa; your brother William complains about having to spend money on his family. Madelyn, who you know I like very much; likes to complain this time of year that Katie's birthday is too close to Christmas and that makes it difficult to buy her gifts. I think that's just ridiculous. Katie's birthday is a little over a month before Christmas; what is so difficult about picking out a book or a Barbie doll for each occasion? I got so tired of listening to her gripe about it on the phone this morning that I told her that she doesn't have to get her anything since it's such a hardship for her. You know I would've expected that from my sister, not yours, but they surprised me. Colleen doesn't have a problem giving her niece a birthday present and then a Christmas present. Even Frankie doesn't mind; but your family sure does! Like William's wife calling here last night to inform me that Katie's Christmas gift will also double as her birthday gift from them. I don't like that, Jim. Katie doesn't want for anything and she doesn't necessarily need gifts from her aunts and uncles, but if they're going to give her something, I think it should be for one occasion or the other; not a gift that has to double for both. I could understand doing that if the people in question couldn't afford a gift for each occasion but still wanted to give her something, but they all have money. Good, God; put five dollars in a card for her birthday if it's such an issue and save the gift for Christmas."
"Sweetheart; don't get so worked up about it; she'll have plenty."
"That's not the point; it's the principal of the matter."
"I know what you're saying; and you're right, her birthday being in November shouldn't be such an issue. We can't change it, so they'll have to deal with it, or as you told Madelyn, don't get her anything. We give her plenty and so does your family and the rest of mine."
"Then I have your mother calling here today, mad because I told Madelyn she didn't have to get Katie anything, and declaring that her birthday is too close to the holiday season and you know she has to say it in that snide way of hers, like I've committed some great error for giving birth in November instead of some month that's more convenient for your family."
"Ignore her," Jim stated; "That's what I do."
"Oh there's more. She thinks we ought to throw my family over for Christmas dinner because William and Lucinda blew into town. Well that's not happening and I told her so. I told her that if you want to stay there and eat with them that's fine; but Katie and I will be going to my mother's for dinner as planned. I don't have a problem going over there for a few hours Christmas morning so Katie can get her presents and see that side of her family but come noon, I'm out the door and she's going with me. It's my mother's year and it's staying that way."
"Hey, I'm going with you. I don't give a damn where William and his snobby wife are. We always alternate who we spend each part of the day with and this year is Naomi's turn to have us around for the majority of the day and dinner. Truth be told, knowing William's home makes Naomi's table even more appealing than it already is. Don't worry; we're all going to your mom's. Try and relax; you're getting stressed."
"I wasn't stressed until your relatives started calling."
Jim grinned at her. "You want me to have the phone disconnected?"
"Sometimes I wish we would," Johanna replied with a small laugh.
He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. "Don't worry; Christmas is going to be fine."
"But you see why I have to try so hard, don't you? We have people ruining things for her, trying to short change her...and last year she didn't enjoy the holiday as much as she should have. I need to fix it…I need to make it better this year so she can have that joy and excitement again. I need it to be the best Christmas possible for her. Do you understand?"
"I understand," he replied as he pressed a kiss against her hair.
"And now I need it to snow," she sighed.
"You don't have any control over that."
"I know, but I can wish and pray for it as much as she's going to and maybe I'll get one of those Christmas miracles…it just has to be better this year, Jim. It just has to be."
"It will be," he promised.
She hoped so...she really hoped so; because Katie's happiness was the most important thing.
As Johanna sat on the floor amid the mound of gifts that needed to be placed under the tree in the earliest hours of Christmas morning, she was thankful that Jim had lugged them all downstairs for her and had stowed them behind the locked door of their office while she had been out with Katie that afternoon. Her eyes flicked upwards as she thought of her husband...who was upstairs in bed, asleep, while she did all the work. She had a feeling that he made it a point to fall asleep before Katie, who hadn't gone to sleep until midnight. She could've woke him after she had waited another hour to be sure that their daughter was down for the night, but she figured why bother? Jim didn't like to arrange the gifts neatly, he liked to just toss them under the tree and be done with it and then she had to redo it anyway so she may as well just do it herself and get it done.
Of course she wasn't getting much done by just sitting there in the glow of the Christmas tree, packages surrounding her and demanding her attention. She reached for the box wrapped in shiny red paper and placed it under the tree first; she didn't want the Nintendo to be the first thing that Katie ripped open in the morning. With the Nintendo in place; she neatly piled smaller gifts in front of it, and then around it until the pile around her dwindled and the space under and around the tree filled. If her father saw the amount of gifts under the tree, he'd accuse them of spoiling Katie...and maybe they did at Christmas, but she was their only child and as Jim had told the man, she was only going to be little once. With the last gifts in place, Johanna picked up some smaller items and rose from the floor. She took Katie's stocking from where it hung on the bookcase and filled it with little presents and candy, and topping it off with a small Care Bear who peeked out over the opening of the stocking. With her work finished, she picked up the camera from the stand and took the before picture as Jim always called it.
After putting the camera back on the stand so it would be ready for the morning, Johanna stretched and then glanced at the clock; 2:25. It had taken her a little longer than she had thought. She drifted to the front door to be sure that it was locked, and she pulled back the curtain to glance outside. Her eyes widened, a tremor of excitement rippling through her. It was snowing. The world outside was slowly turning white; giving the neighborhood Christmas lights a magical glow. Snow...the one thing on Katie's list that hadn't been within her power to give her...and there it was. There had to be at least two inches already and it was still falling. She should wake her, Johanna thought; but then just as quickly she disregarded the notion. It was late, Katie needed to sleep; they had a busy day coming up.
Her teeth sank into her bottom lip. Those were good reasons for not waking Katie...but it was snowing and it seemed so magical...and her little girl had been wanting Christmas snow so badly. Besides, hadn't her goal this season been to show Katie how much magic she could still feel at Christmas time despite the absence of Santa in her life? The hell with being practical, Johanna thought as she grabbed her coat from the hook and shoved her bare feet into her boots. She then grabbed Katie's coat and boots and quietly climbed the stairs, being careful not to wake Jim as she made her way down the hallway. Katie's door was always slightly ajar to let in the dim light from the hallway lamp and she pushed it open softly. Johanna went to the dresser and took a pair of socks from a drawer and then moved to her daughter's bed and sat down on the edge.
"Katie," she said softly; running a hand over her tousled hair. She didn't stir; she was like her daddy in that respect, she mused with a smile.
"Katie," she said again; giving her a little shake. This time there was movement as Katie rubbed her eye and rolled over. "Mommy?" she mumbled.
"Yes, it's mommy," she replied; pulling back the covers and putting the socks on her daughter's feet.
"Is it time for presents?"
"Not yet, Baby. I want to show you something."
"What is it?" Katie asked as her mother's hands slipped beneath her arms and lifted her from her pillow to put her coat on her.
"You'll see," Johanna smiled as she zipped up her coat and then put her boots on her. "Come on," she said as she hoisted her daughter onto her hip and left the room.
"Where are we going?" Katie whispered.
"It's a surprise; close your eyes...no peeking."
The six year old did as she was told as she wrapped her arms and legs securely around her mother. Johanna grabbed a throw from the back of the chair and wrapped it around Kate for extra warmth and then headed for the door. Cold air smacked them in their faces as soon as they stepped outside.
"Are we going in the car?"
"No," Johanna answered; moving down the steps of the porch. "Open your eyes."
She kept her own gaze glued to her child's face as Katie's eyes flicked open. She blinked once, as if to be sure that what she was seeing was real, a soft gasp of surprise passing through her lips, a smile spreading across her face; her eyes widening and sparkling with excitement. "It's snowing!" her daughter exclaimed softly. "Mommy, you made it snow for me! How did you make it snow?"
Johanna laughed quietly. "I didn't make it snow, baby."
"Yes, you did!" Katie insisted with all the authority that a six year old could muster. "I told you I wanted snow for Christmas so I could go sled riding at Grandma's and you made it snow just for me!" she cried as she held her hand out to capture a snowflake, before sticking out her tongue to catch one.
"Sweetie; Mommy doesn't have any control over the weather...that's Mother Nature's department."
Her daughter refused to be convinced. "You did it, Mommy," she told her before pressing a kiss to her lips. "I love you."
Tears stung her eyes. "I love you too."
She carried her back to the porch and sat her on her feet, taking her small hand in hers. "It's pretty isn't it?" Johanna murmured. "It's Christmas snow; that makes it extra special."
"Is it magical, Mommy?"
She nodded. "Yes, Katie; it's magical...there's magical things all around us all the time, we just have to look for them."
"Grandma Beckett says there's no such thing as magic."
Johanna lifted her daughter into her arms once more so she could look her in the eye. "Grandma's wrong. The world is full of magic and wonder, Katie; don't ever forget that."
She smiled. "I won't forget, Mommy."
"Merry Christmas, Katie."
Her little girl beamed happily as she turned her head to look at the snow again. "It's the best Christmas ever," she proclaimed.
"I think so too," Johanna remarked as she kissed her cheek. "We have to go back inside now; it's too cold to stay out much longer. I'll make you a little bit of hot chocolate to warm you up and then you have to go back to bed."
"Can I have a cookie too?" Katie asked as they moved back into the house.
"Of course you can."
Johanna carried her into the kitchen and sat her at the table while she made enough hot chocolate for them to split. By the time their drinks were finished and their cookies were eaten, Katie's eyes were drooping.
"Time for you to go back to bed, sweetie," Johanna said as she brushed back a lock of her daughter's hair. Katie raised her arms to be carried; which only went to show the extent of her sleepiness. She didn't mind picking her up again, it wouldn't be long before she was unable to lift her child into her arms and carry her...and that thought made her give Katie a gentle squeeze.
When they reached the top of the stairs, they ran into Jim. "Where were the two of you?" he asked.
"Daddy, Mommy made it snow for me," Katie said sleepily as she lifted her head from her mother's shoulder.
"She did?" Jim asked with amusement.
Their daughter nodded. "She says she didn't but I know she did. Mommy can do anything."
Jim smiled and rubbed a hand against her back. "Mommy is pretty special isn't she?"
"Uh huh."
Johanna smiled at him. "Tell Daddy goodnight," she instructed.
"Night, Daddy."
"Goodnight, Princess," he said before kissing her cheek.
Johanna tucked Katie back into her bed and then retreated back across the hallway to her own where her husband was waiting for her. "So, you made it snow, did you?" Jim asked as she settled into bed.
She laughed softly. "Your mother disabused her of the notion of Santa in a matter of minutes but I can't convince her that I didn't make it snow."
He pulled her into his arms, chuckling quietly in her ear. "Don't fight it, sweetheart; just enjoy it and cherish being Super Mommy in her eyes while it lasts."
"You're right," she murmured. "I better enjoy it while I can…kind of like a bonus Christmas gift."
"Merry Christmas, sweetheart."
"Merry Christmas, honey."
"You better get some sleep; she'll be up again in a few hours."
"She said it's the best Christmas ever," Johanna murmured.
"And she hasn't even opened a single gift yet," her husband replied. "If she thinks it's the best right now, wait until she opens that Nintendo."
She chuckled quietly as she shook her head. "I should've written your name on that with hers; you want it just as badly as she does."
"Don't look at it as me wanting to play with her toys; look at it as father-daughter bonding."
"Mhmm; that's what we'll call it. What did you get me?"
"A gift," Jim answered.
"What kind?"
"The kind that's wrapped in paper and tied with a bow and you'll see it in the morning."
"You're a comedian tonight."
He laughed as he kissed her. "It's all a part of the best Christmas ever…see, she got her wish, and so did you."
Johanna smiled; it did seem that way for the moment.
"Time for bed," Johanna said that evening as she watched her daughter yawn for the second time in a matter of minutes. "You and Daddy can play more tomorrow."
When she didn't beg for five more minutes and willingly handed over the controller for the Nintendo, she knew that her little girl was beat. She watched as she hugged and kissed her father goodnight and then she scampered toward the tree and grabbed the first Little House book from the box and the Lisa Frank bookmark that had been in her stocking. Katie then headed in her direction and slipped her small hand in hers and together they climbed the stairs to her room.
Johanna hugged and kissed her before tucking her into her bed and handing her the pink bunny that had been her constant companion ever since Frank McKenzie had brought it home to her from a business trip when she was a year old. She waited until her daughter wiggled around and got comfortable and then she settled in beside her and picked up the Little House book. Before opening it, she looked down at her daughter's expectant face.
"Did you have a nice Christmas, Katie?"
The little girl smiled brightly. "It was the best, Mommy. I liked sled riding; it was so much fun. Grandpa said he's going to carve my name right above yours on your sled. Is that okay?"
Johanna nodded. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
"I told Grandpa that you made it snow just for me."
"You did? What did he say to that?" she asked although she was afraid to know.
"He said I have one of the best mommies in the world."
Wow, Christmas miracles really did happen, Johanna thought to herself. She hadn't expected that response.
"And I told him that I have the bestest mommy," her daughter declared.
She cuddled her close and kissed her head. "I'm glad you think so."
"Do you like your locket, Mommy?" Katie asked as he small hand captured the gold locket that Johanna was wearing.
Johanna smiled as she looked down at it; the outside of the locket was etched with hearts and when it opened, one side held Katie's picture and the other side was engraved with the words 'I love you, Mommy'. "I love it. Now I'll always have you with me when I'm at work and you're in school. Do you like all of your presents?"
"Uh huh; I like playing Nintendo with Daddy. It's funny when he loses."
She laughed. "You're right, that is funny. Daddy doesn't like to lose."
"I like all my presents."
"Good, I'm glad."
"I'm ready to read now," her daughter stated.
Johanna chuckled softly; apparently that was going to be the end of the conversation segment of bedtime. It was story time now and so she cracked the book open and began to read aloud.
What she wouldn't give sometimes to go back to those days, Johanna thought as the memories faded. Her days of being Super Mommy were long gone; her daughter no longer looked at her and saw a super hero lurking inside. She was positive that she was no longer the 'bestest' as her six year old had proclaimed. Of course she had never been the best, no one was; and she had never been a super hero but she had been to Katie once upon a time and it was a long hard fall from grace to what she was now…a failure, a coward, a burden, an extremely flawed human being. Her throat tightened; at least she had a few moments of glory along the way. Maybe she could save Christmas this year and keep it from being the cold uncelebrated occasion it had become. She wished she did have the power to make it snow, because she would. Maybe it would bring some magic back to her daughter's heart.
"What are you thinking about?" Kate asked; pulling Johanna from her thoughts.
She was still feeling a surge of emotion but she did her best to mask it. "I was thinking about that Christmas when you were six...and you were convinced that I made it snow for you. Do you ever think of that?"
Only every time it snowed, Kate said to herself, a lump forming in her throat. "Sometimes," she answered; pretending not to be as affected by the recollection as she was. "I guess I was pretty dumb then."
"No, you weren't," her mother chastened. "You were just a typical six year old who thought your mother had super hero powers and could do anything."
That much was true, Kate thought. She had always looked at her mother as if she was some powerful, day saving mom version of a Wonder Woman like superhero. Finding out that she was only human was a hard painful lesson to learn in some ways. "Well I found out otherwise," she stated; but there was no bite to her tone. "But I guess all kids do."
"Some more than others," Johanna replied softly; "And speaking for myself, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I disappointed you. I wish I still had those 'special powers' to fix everything in your world...to be able to give you joy and magic...and pride."
Kate focused her gaze on her fingers as they drew circles on her thigh. She didn't have to ask what she had meant by pride; she knew. Her mother missed knowing that she was proud of her; proud of being her daughter. Clearly she thought that she was no longer a source of pride to anyone and that wasn't true. They were in a better place now, much better than they had been when her mother had first come home. There was still hurt and deep inside there was still a bit of anger...but she still loved her mother and she was still proud.
"I'm still proud of you," she remarked; stretching her hand out toward Johanna to grasp hers.
"I don't know why."
"Because you're my mother...and you made it snow just for me."
Johanna laughed softly. "I thought you knew the truth about that and how it was really just a storm system that turned our way at the last minute."
Her daughter shook her head. "I can believe it was all your doing if I want to. For all I know, you knew some sort of mommy voodoo that makes impossible wishes come true. You can't convince me otherwise."
"And yet I couldn't convince you that your grandmother was lying about there not being a Santa Claus."
"Well she had good points," Kate replied. "We didn't have a chimney for him to come down."
"I explained that; I told you that Daddy left the door unlocked for him."
"Grandma said Dad wouldn't do that because it wasn't safe."
"And I told you that we waited up to make sure that Santa was the only one who got in."
"But Grandma said that you couldn't because according to the story, everyone had to be asleep or Santa wouldn't come."
"I believe I informed you that grownups had an understanding with Santa and that the sleep rule only applied to children."
"Yeah, well, Grandma said that wasn't true. She also pointed out the numerous amount of Santa's in this city."
"I explained that too," Johanna exclaimed. "I told you that they were his helpers and that the one at Macy's was real."
Kate laughed. "She said you watched Miracle on 34th Street one too many times."
"I should've given in to the urge to wrap my hands around her neck," Johanna replied; "Then she would've been the one needing a miracle on her street."
"I guess she thought she was doing me a favor by telling me."
"No, she was just being her mean nasty self and robbing you of a piece of your childhood. I had you down for a few more years of believing. I figured you'd at least last until you were eight."
"Why eight?"
"That's how old I was when I found out."
"Did Uncle Frankie tell you?" Kate asked.
"No; it was this mean kid at school. He took great pride in telling everyone."
"Well maybe someone ended up doing that to his kid one day."
Johanna shook her head. "I doubt that he has children."
"Why?"
"Because he's been in prison most of his life. I can't say I was surprised that he ended up there."
"What did he do?"
"Murder."
"Nice," Kate replied.
"Yeah...that's what happens. One minute you're robbing your classmates of the joy of Christmas and the next you're robbing a bank and shooting a security guard."
"Mother!"
"What? It's the truth. If I could've had Elizabeth Beckett arrested for her crimes, I would have."
"I don't doubt that for a minute," her daughter responded. "You were livid."
"You're damn right I was; and here's something else you don't have to doubt, this Christmas will be better than the ones we've been having. We're going to be a family again and we're going celebrate like one...god willing."
Kate tensed slightly; she wasn't sure she'd be ready to give up the traditions she was accustomed to. "I think it's a little soon to make plans for Christmas; I'll probably have to work."
"Put in for the day off; it sounds like you've done far more than your fair share of Christmas duty. You should be entitled to spend a holiday with your family. We're going to have the best Christmas possible."
"Don't get ahead of yourself; we don't know how things are going to turn out. Besides, you can't top the Christmas when I was six; there was snow and sledding and Nintendo and that cool Barbie car with the working lights."
Johanna nodded. "That was an epic Christmas; I'd never even attempt to top it...but I can make it the best Christmas that I can...and I will; I promise you that…and just maybe it'll snow again."
Kate sighed; why did she have this sudden feeling that the holidays were going to be a different kind of difficult this year?
A/N: There was a Barbie car with working lights the year Kate was six. Whoever put old Christmas catalogs online is a genius! Happy Holidays!