Disclaimer- Nope, don't own it. I'm not a genius like J.K.
**This story has been published on both fanfiction.net and fictionalley.org**
*~*I'm Still Alone*~*
I watched my mom's back. She was staring at a picture of him. Again. Even from behind, I could see the tears sliding down her face as she reminisced. I hid in the darkness again as she stood and walked out to the kitchen. I waited to hear the clink of dishes and to walk in to remind her there were only two of us who would be eating tonight, but it never came. I walked into the kitchen, anyway.
Just getting used to waking up every day, not seeing your faceI just began to stop setting your place
And I stopped longing for your long embrace
"What are we doing for dinner, Mom?" I asked. She was staring out the window into the early autumn sunset.
"Oh…Fred invited us over to his place."
"So it's just us three?"
"No, I think George is gonna be there. Oliver, too." She added as an afterthought.
I left the kitchen then. Even though it was because she had been staring at his picture not long before, my mom had tears in her eyes and it's not easy to look at someone crying. Sometimes she gets teary when she looks at me. I guess it's cause I look so much like my dad. He looked like his father, too.
I entered my room and began to brush my hair. Even though my mom was so sad, I couldn't help but be excited. Fred's brother George had a son named Derek who was just about the cutest thing to ever walk this planet. Even though my mother's friend, Alicia claims Oliver is just as hot, and was even more so while they were in school, he's just too old for me.
And it was God that made me able
To finally sleep at night
Though you're not by my side
I headed downstairs after I was done with my hair. Even though tears covered the better part of her face, my mom did look better than she had just recently. I guess she's finally been able to sleep without him. When my dad first died, she stopped sleeping and I had to almost force-feed her. I know she loves me, but sometimes I wonder if she still wishes Dad would just come back somehow and make it all okay.
Finally I don't hardly cry
See right when I start letting go
Somebody wants to let me know
Sighing slightly, I remember the first time Mom tried dating after Dad died. It was with her old friend, Dean Thomas. Even though he had been a perfect gentleman and nothing short of perfect, she had come home in tears and headed up to her room without so much as a 'good night'. The next day, she vowed never to date again.
Can they take your place
No they can't fill your space
No
"Ready to go?" she asked, wiping away her tears and smiling at me.
"Yeah. Did Fred give us a time?"
"We'll be fine if we take the brooms." She said, glancing at the clock.
I can't help but groan slightly. I've got my own Nimbus 2002, but my mother always rides my father's old Firebolt. She cleans it regularly, too, as if someone was going to play soon even though she'll never left me touch it.
I tried to move on but you're not gone
Cuz in my heart you still live on
See now I know why
I'll never love another for the rest of my life
Dinner was, to say the least, riotous. Fred and George must have set off twenty Filibuster's Fireworks throughout the meal. I was sitting across from Derek and had to admit the tangerine stars from the fireworks definitely made him look cuter than usual. I watched my mom carefully, as well. She was eating normally and looked as if everything was okay. I knew she was just putting on a face to stop everyone from worrying about her and watching us 24/7. She's such a strong woman.
And why
Now that you're gone I'm holding on
And deep in my heart
I wanna move on
And now I know why
I'll never love another for the rest of my life
After desert, most of the adults relaxed in the living room, reminiscing and joking happily. Derek and I sat on the stairs and talked for a while. Eventually though, he asked the question I had been hearing non-stop for what felt like forever.
"Just wondering," he said innocently, his brown eyes full of concern. "You okay?"
"Derek, I'm fine." I replied. "it hurts, but I'm gonna be alright in the end. If anyone's not okay, it's my mom. I keep finding his clothes all around the house."
I finally put your clothes away
You know the ones you wore that day you were taken away from me
I just began to stop wearing my ring
"Really?"
"Yeah. Although, I think she finally put his Head Boy badge away. It's a start at least."
"Well, that's good to know, because there's something I've been meaning to ask you."
I braced myself as a wave of happy nerves swept through me. "Yes, what is it?"
"Will you go out with me?" he said, looking away instantly.
"Of course I will, Derek." I smiled widely and we hugged tightly.
*******
"Hey, where's Fred?" Alicia asked.
"He said something about cleaning up." Replied George.
"She's in there, too, I think. She didn't come into the living room with us."
"You don't think…" Katie let her sentence finish itself.
"Fred wouldn't do that." George replied from his chair.
"I know, it's just…she's seemed very off lately." Angelina said, sticking up for Katie.
"You'd be off too if your husband died." Oliver said quietly next to her.
"Off's an understatement." She replied, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'd kill myself if you ever died."
"She's tried." I entered the living room with Derek. "She's doing better now, though. Much. I haven't seen her dancing by herself in a long time. But please, use my mom's name. She's not dead."
And I finally stopped playing our song
When I realize I was dancing alone and
Finally God gave me strength
I cast a spell to get rid of the chicken residue on a large casserole. I looked over at my kid brother's best friend. Well, one of them at least.
"You doing alright?" I asked. She seemed really broken up.
"Do I look alright?" she asked in response. I could see the tears that had betrayed their way onto her face despite her efforts.
"If you want honesty, no." I said. She did look healthier, sure, but a healthy face didn't always mean a sound life.
"Oh, Fred, I don't know what to do!" she said, crying as she spoke. "I can't get over him."
To go on and breathe again
See right when I start letting go
Somebody wants to let me know
I wasn't quite sure what to do right then.
'Think, Weasley!' I yelled. 'what would she do if you were upset?' I decided making tea was out of the question. So I did what seemed right. I took her in my arms and just let her cry for a while. A long while.
"You know," I said, hoping to comfort her somehow. "it won't hurt like this forever."
Can they take your place
No they can't fill your space
No
"How do you know that?" she snapped. "it's been hurting for the past two years, almost.
I had to marvel at her strength. For two years now, this woman had carried on with this immense pain inside. I never would have been able to do it.
I tried to move on but you're not gone
Cuz in my heart you still live on
See now I know why
"How do you do it?" I asked. It seemed like a stupid question.
"What do you mean?"
"How do you carry on every day? If someone who didn't know us had seen you at dinner tonight, they wouldn't have been able to tell anything was wrong at all."
I'll never love another for the rest of my life
And why
Now that you're gone I'm holding on
"I don't know." She said finally. "I got sick of sympathy after two months so I decided if people didn't think anything was wrong, they'd stop feeling sorry for me and treating my like I've got the god damned plague." There was an uncharacteristic trace of anger in her voice.
And deep in my heart I wanna move on
And now I know why
I'll never love another for the rest of my life
"Have you ever considered…" I wasn't sure how she'd react to this. "dating again?"
"I tried once or twice. It never worked out."
"Never?"
"Nope. He just wouldn't get out of my head."
God knows it's time for me to move on
I want to feel alive again
I want to be in love again
She was quiet for a while, but spoke up again. "It feels like I'm cheating on him even though I know he'd want me to find someone new and be happy."
"He'd definitely want that." I said, wondering if I should even bother to ask her the question that had been plaguing me since he had died. "you know we've got something in common." I said quietly, trying a new angle.
"What are you talking about?"
"We're both alone."
"What about Katie? I didn't see her on anyone's arm tonight."
"She married Marcus Flint, from Slytherin. Something must have happened to him after Hogwarts because they are unbelievably happy together."
She smiled a small smile. I had to admit, she was cute when she smiled.
"You should smile more often, Hermione." I said, looking down at her. "It's a good look for you."
And no matter how hard I try
I can't erase you from my mind
And I gotta find somebody new
But I just can't get over you
"How can I?" she said bitterly. "My husband won't get out of my head."
"I think I might know how." I said quietly, leaning in and kissing her.
She was surprised, to say the least.
I tried to move on but you're not gone
Cuz in my heart you still live on
See now I know why
"I'm sorry." She said. "But it just won't work."
"Are you sure?" I was hurting inside, really hurting.
"Very. If it didn't work out with Dean or Terrance, why should it work out with you?"
"But, 'Mione, if you'd just give me a chance…"
"No, Fred, I'm sorry. I'm through giving chances. I'm tired of crying at the end of every day. Thank you for dinner. Now I really have to find Lily and go. Have you seen her?"
"I think she's in the foyer with Derek."
She nodded and walked out. I sank onto a bench nearby. The only woman I had ever really loved had just walked out of my life.
"Why'd you have to die, man?" I looked upwards. "why'd you have to love her so damn much? You couldn't help it…she is perfect after all."
I'll never love another for the rest of my life
And why
Now that you're gone I'm holding on
"Come on, Lily, we're going home." I said, finding her in the living room. She must have known by looking at me not to plead to stay.
"I'll see you later, Derek." He kissed her on the cheek. Normally I would have questioned her as soon as we got home, but something told me that I already knew what had happened.
We flew home and I sat down in our living room. Lily sat down next to me.
"Just so you know, Mom, Derek asked me out and I said yes."
"I thought so. I'm glad you've found someone. Now go onto bed, it's late."
Again, she didn't question me.
Once I was sure she was upstairs and I was alone, I opened a nearby drawer and pulled out a picture of him. My eyes spilled over with tears as I took in his emerald eyes and black hair.
And deep in my heart
I wanna move on
And now I know why
"Why'd you have to die, Harry?" I asked, finding my voice for the first time since I had left Fred's. "Why'd you have to be so damn perfect? I wonder if I loved you too much sometimes…but that's impossible. You can never love too much. But Fred really would take care of me…"
"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" I almost yelled at the picture, knowing it wouldn't ever answer or stop smiling the smile that had made my knees buckle since the first day of my first year, when I fixed his glasses on the train. "I want to move on…but you were too perfect…too damn nice…I'm still alone because of you. Is that what you wanted?!"
I sighed slightly and put the picture back in its drawer. Something inside told me I would never find another. Fred may love me, but he would never be as perfect as Harry had been. I began to head upstairs, and thought I heard someone say, 'I love you, Herm'. That was his nickname for me. as much as I wanted to believe it was him, I knew it was just my imagination. He was dead, and no one would ever be able to take his place. Ever.
I'll never love another for the rest of my life
*~*The End*~*
A/N- I don't own the song "Moving On" featured in this fic. It is property of Toya and can be found on her self titled album, released by the Arista record label.