A/N: I loved You're Under Arrest. I was sad to see it go. Also, I was very very sad to see the Blue Cat Ladies go. So they're back. Whee.
Chapter 1 - Sometimes the Cabin Boy
Welcome to the Discworld.
Okay, just how many times have you read that sentence? Don't lie to me; I KNOW. I've READ the books, the fanfiction, and visited the websites. You've read that sentence so many times the syllables have been beaten into your brain with perhaps not a large hammer but definitely a heavy and very PERSISTENT one.
Now, say it with me... Welcome to the Discworld... GOOOOOOD!
The sun sets slowly here because of the strong magical field, but you know that already. You KNOW that the light of the Discworld sunrise bulges around mountains and trees something but not quite like molten gold, for obvious reasons. You KNOW that it pools in valleys like celestial rainwater only not quite so, well, LIQUID. You KNOW that it dawdles and loiters and stands around vaguely until it most likely ends up in Ankh-Morpork, Pearl Of Cities. You KNOW.
You know all of this already. Why are you reading it all again?
Welcome to Klatch.
That sentence is rarer. Much rarer than, say, "Welcome to Ankh-Morpork, Pearl Of Cities." Klatch, on the other hand...
Well, the Djel, really. ON the Djel. Er. On a boat on the Djel in Klatch on the Discworld on the Four Elephants on A'Tuin, who swims through space like the airless void is just a very large bath tub full of perhaps jello.
Back to the Djel...
I think that we've surmised that there is a boat. A sailor would stare at you indignantly and tell you to call it a ship, but since I am not a sailor I'm going to call it a boat and be smug at all you sailors who AREN'T writing this story.
Fine, it's a ship.
So this boat... sorry, SHIP... is not a pirate bo- ship. It doesn't have the black flag with the skull and cross bones or any peg-legged men hobbling around with a parrot in their teeth and a sword on their shoulder growling "Avast, me timbers! Shiver my mateys!"
Look, I TOLD you I'm not a sailor.
It's a cruise ship. With three decks and chaise lounges and peppermint striped canopies sheltering romantic-looking young women with pale skin and big lips. It's on a ship like this that Humphrey Bogart would be proud to quote himself over a whiskey sour. It's on a ship like this that people could fall madly in love and then have a movie made out of it. It's on a ship like this that you would expect NOT to find what is actually here...
"To Whom hAre hYou Speaking?" Louisa trilled at the cabin boy.
The cabin boy, whose name was Tokidoki, trembled under her burning gaze.
"Be nice to the poor boy," Theodora giggled, winking at Tokidoki and flipping her fan coquettishly. "He's auriental, he might not understand Morporkian."
Louisa glared down at the terrified young man and pondered this. "TO... WHOM... hARE... hYOU... SPEAK-ING?" she said, loudly and slowly.
"This isn't your room," Tokidoki squeaked.
"Of course it is," Roberta wailed, wringing her handkerchief. "Look, room 104, right there on the door!"
"Room C104," Tokidoki replied, tapping on the gold lettering. "Your room is A104."
Louisa glared at the door as though expecting the paint to peel off of it. She appeared to think very fast. "Then hwhy," she said finally, "did hyou lead hus to THIS door?!"
"I didn't," Tokidoki said helplessly. "I was-"
"Come, hLadies," Louisa sniffed. "hWe can find hour OWN room hwithout the help of the help."
The pink-chiffon-clad Lady latched her arms around the elbows of Theodora and Wilhelmina and spun around, marching off down the corridor with Roberta nervously trailing behind. Tokidoki shivered and turned away, but not fast enough to miss Wilhelmina turning her head to grin widely at him, cat-like, and then stick out her tongue.
Tokidoki wondered dazedly if he still had his father's ceremonial suicide knives.
Chapter 1 - Sometimes the Cabin Boy
Welcome to the Discworld.
Okay, just how many times have you read that sentence? Don't lie to me; I KNOW. I've READ the books, the fanfiction, and visited the websites. You've read that sentence so many times the syllables have been beaten into your brain with perhaps not a large hammer but definitely a heavy and very PERSISTENT one.
Now, say it with me... Welcome to the Discworld... GOOOOOOD!
The sun sets slowly here because of the strong magical field, but you know that already. You KNOW that the light of the Discworld sunrise bulges around mountains and trees something but not quite like molten gold, for obvious reasons. You KNOW that it pools in valleys like celestial rainwater only not quite so, well, LIQUID. You KNOW that it dawdles and loiters and stands around vaguely until it most likely ends up in Ankh-Morpork, Pearl Of Cities. You KNOW.
You know all of this already. Why are you reading it all again?
Welcome to Klatch.
That sentence is rarer. Much rarer than, say, "Welcome to Ankh-Morpork, Pearl Of Cities." Klatch, on the other hand...
Well, the Djel, really. ON the Djel. Er. On a boat on the Djel in Klatch on the Discworld on the Four Elephants on A'Tuin, who swims through space like the airless void is just a very large bath tub full of perhaps jello.
Back to the Djel...
I think that we've surmised that there is a boat. A sailor would stare at you indignantly and tell you to call it a ship, but since I am not a sailor I'm going to call it a boat and be smug at all you sailors who AREN'T writing this story.
Fine, it's a ship.
So this boat... sorry, SHIP... is not a pirate bo- ship. It doesn't have the black flag with the skull and cross bones or any peg-legged men hobbling around with a parrot in their teeth and a sword on their shoulder growling "Avast, me timbers! Shiver my mateys!"
Look, I TOLD you I'm not a sailor.
It's a cruise ship. With three decks and chaise lounges and peppermint striped canopies sheltering romantic-looking young women with pale skin and big lips. It's on a ship like this that Humphrey Bogart would be proud to quote himself over a whiskey sour. It's on a ship like this that people could fall madly in love and then have a movie made out of it. It's on a ship like this that you would expect NOT to find what is actually here...
"To Whom hAre hYou Speaking?" Louisa trilled at the cabin boy.
The cabin boy, whose name was Tokidoki, trembled under her burning gaze.
"Be nice to the poor boy," Theodora giggled, winking at Tokidoki and flipping her fan coquettishly. "He's auriental, he might not understand Morporkian."
Louisa glared down at the terrified young man and pondered this. "TO... WHOM... hARE... hYOU... SPEAK-ING?" she said, loudly and slowly.
"This isn't your room," Tokidoki squeaked.
"Of course it is," Roberta wailed, wringing her handkerchief. "Look, room 104, right there on the door!"
"Room C104," Tokidoki replied, tapping on the gold lettering. "Your room is A104."
Louisa glared at the door as though expecting the paint to peel off of it. She appeared to think very fast. "Then hwhy," she said finally, "did hyou lead hus to THIS door?!"
"I didn't," Tokidoki said helplessly. "I was-"
"Come, hLadies," Louisa sniffed. "hWe can find hour OWN room hwithout the help of the help."
The pink-chiffon-clad Lady latched her arms around the elbows of Theodora and Wilhelmina and spun around, marching off down the corridor with Roberta nervously trailing behind. Tokidoki shivered and turned away, but not fast enough to miss Wilhelmina turning her head to grin widely at him, cat-like, and then stick out her tongue.
Tokidoki wondered dazedly if he still had his father's ceremonial suicide knives.