Jenonca- I love Severus's unconditional love for lily, so I decided to do this one shot of Severus thinking about her before he died. The first two paragraphs are him recalling his thoughts when he called her a mudblood. Just thought I'd say to avoid confusion.
I don't own harry potter or anything to do with it.
I always loved lily and nothing could change this
I suppose a part of me knew I would screw things up as usual; I screwed up so bad this time and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change it. After everything she had done, after all the times she showed me how much I meant to her, while everyone else turned me a way and saw me as nothing but a freak. How could I do this to her, how could I call my best friend that…word. She has no idea what she means to me but I know now she was more than my best friend, I'm in love with her and I always will be.
It hurts to see her cry, knowing I'm the one for her tears, I promised to never hurt her, looks like that promise didn't last long. Its hurts even more to know I can never take back what I said, that she will never be able to see as her best friend, no, now I'm just a Slytherin that showed my true colours. Everyone told to not trust me, that I was going a down a dark path. I told they were wrong; I could never do that, not while I had her. She was the only to see the good in me, the only one that made me believe I deserved to live in this world. Without her now, will I still see this or will I end up down the dark path so many have predicted for me, will I lose my self along the way become bitter, no I can't not after her showing me so much kindness.
It's been twenty two years since I had these thoughts and I now know that wasn't worst mistake I ever made and it wasn't the last time I hurt her. I lay here awaiting death and all I can think of is lily, the day we met, that day I lost her friendship and every mistake I make, the dark path I let my get lost down. If she were alive now, I know she would be demanding to know why I let myself go, why I let myself become bitter and so dark. I know I have failed her in every aspect of my life but how could I go on living knowing I hurt her and caused her death. Not a day passes by when I don't think that if I hadn't hurt her by that one word, if I hadn't told the dark lord the prophecy, I wouldn't have lost her. Lily would still be here, safe and taking care of her son as she would have wanted. I stole that from her and I wish I could go back and make things right but I can't.
As I lay here I realise, as much as I love her, I never deserved her, and she should had never given me a chance. She should had shunned me away just like everyone else. My father was right, I don't deserve to exist. I just ruin everything I touch. I never believed him until I lost lily. Even my treatment of her son is proof, I shouldn't have made his life hell but I let my resentment and pain take over me, when I looked at the boy I saw James potter and everything I lost. I knew Dumbledore was right when he said the boy was like his mother but I denied it, it was much easier to hate him.
I know if I meet lily on the other side, I do not expect forgiveness, I have done far too much damage over the years for her to even be kind to me once more. Lily has a huge amount of kindness for people but I know for me she would be far beyond that point.
I wished I had never hurt her or done the things I had done over the years. Darkness took over my heart for so long, but I do know despite this, I always loved lily and nothing could have changed this.
Jenonca- thanks for reading and please drop me a review thanks.