Dreaming Someone Else's Dream
A Snape Songfic
By:
DarkPhoenixesRising
A Dark reflection
Is always staring back at me
A constant question
"Is this really how it has to be?"
I stood in the circle of Death Eaters around Voldemort, a part of the group and yet somehow separated from it. I was slowly coming to realize that everything that was being done in the name of the Dark Lord, everything I'd ever been asked to do by him and everything I'd once believed in was both evil and wrong, I had been the most zealot of Voldemort's Chosen in the beginning, reveling in the glory of power of being one of His inner circle for it gave me great power over others. I'd loved that power and the power of fear induced by my position within Voldemort's ranks and by the Dark Mark that lit the sky signaling a mission completed. Lately though, as the number of the dead mounted until I could no longer count their numbers, as fear within the wizarding world grew ever stronger and as the resistance to Voldemort's Dark Power was about to be completely crushed in one night's deadly rampage, I find myself loathing everything to do with the Death Eaters and Voldemort.
"Have I lost my way?"
"Do I have to stay?"
I, who had been the most ruthless of all Death Eaters in the service of my Dark Master, was beginning to feel that I had lost all direction in life. Now I was being asked to be a part of the party that would take out the last remaining members of the resistance, including the upstart Potters and their child. Normally, I would have rejoiced in such an appointment but now all I felt was cold fear traveling up my spine and my heart felt like someone was squeezing it. I couldn't possibly do as I'd been asked, though I told Voldmort that I was honored to serve Him in my evilest voice. As much as I hated James Potter, I couldn't go through with it. I remained only long enough to find out the details of the plan then I knew I had to warn them somehow.
Living someone else's life
Dreaming someone else's dream
Feeling someone else's pain, slowly killing me
I thought I knew myself
Who I was
I believed in me
And that's gone
I can't go on
Dreaming someone else's dream
The voices of those I'd already seen die haunted my dreams and their spirits seemed to follow me everywhere I went. I wasn't sure that I could stand it for much longer.
"As soon as I get this information, I'm gone."
I listened with utmost care to the instructions I was being given. Then I turned without a word or scathing remark and left His presence intending never to return. This life of death and destruction was no longer mine for it belonged to someone else now. I no longer knew who I was but one thing I did know was that I was no longer the angry young man who had joined Voldemort five years previous. I couldn't continue to be someone I no longer was. The dreams of power I once loved were now shattered and my misguided belief in them was now gone. I would leave this place of darkness now and go to the only one who could help me, to the only one who would believe me. I would go to Hogwarts. I would go to Dumbledore.
There are moments
I see a different possibility
Or to change direction
And be the person that I meant to be
I had traveled through the night, my past following me through its darkest of hours. I saw many faces before me none of them forgiving, none of them willing to accept me, all crying for mercy into the night, cries that once had brought me such vile pleasure now only brought me loathing and I wanted to begin anew…I was going to renounce Him and turn my back on all that I had known…the only thing I had ever known. I was going to make amends. I vowed there, outside the Hogwarts grounds, that I would do everything in my power…anything in my power to alter events that had been set in motion, to protect those that would be torn apart by them, even if it meant giving my life to do so. There was a time I would've died willingly for His cause…as I had vowed. I looked up into the sky and sighed. Dumbledore would understand. Dumbledore would accept me without any questions. Without any accusations. He might even protect me if it was in his power to do so. That thought held me through the final steps towards the castles large oaken doors. I caressed them and leaned against them, my face cooled by the water on them from the days rain. I looked up at them. Here I would find sanctuary…I belonged here not there…
Is it all too late?
Have I sealed my fate?
"No one will ever trust you…you are a traitor to Him…A traitor can betray again."
A scathing voice in the back of my head laughed, mocking my vow and breaking my courage. The doors that I was looking at now had a demonic look to them. The castle and the grounds began to look evil and they looked as if they were ready to pass judgment on me. Fear was growing in my heart. A fear I had never felt before…
"Now, you know fear…"
I turned around and saw no one…the voice had been in my head, no doubt the voice of a soul that I had taken. Yes. I knew fear. I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long while I began to cry. The mocking voice in my head began to laugh…just as Voldemort would've. I pulled up my sleeve and saw the Dark Mark plain upon my skin, the telltale sign of a Death Eater. A mark that could never be removed, a mark that showed my past and all that I had once believed in.
I covered my face as the tears ran down my face…what if Dumbledore wasn't as forgiving as I thought? What if he thought as the mocking voice did? Was my fate sealed?
"Severus?"
I turned as I saw a shimmer of green light at the ends of a wand illuminating the features of the Headmaster. For a moment I thought that light to be something else…
"Sir…"
I quickly looked towards the ground that fear growing still stronger as the echo of the voices I had heard overcame me. The words I was going to speak were lost to me. I didn't know what to say. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up.
"Sir…I…I have information…About…about…"
"Voldemort?"
I nodded, happy not to have to say the name, then I looked away. He put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up into his forgiving blue eyes.
"Don't worry Severus, I believe in a second chance…even the worst people can begin anew."
I quickly looked away as the tears began to pour from my eyes.
"Come to my office and tell me what you know."
By living someone else's life
Dreaming someone else's dream
Feeling someone else's pain, slowly killing me.
I thought I knew myself
Who I was
I believed in me
And that's gone
I can't go on
Dreaming someone else's dream
In the warmth of his office, an office I had seen many times in the student days, I told all I knew…all the information I had ever known…everything. It all spilled forth from me as freely as a waterfall from a mountain. All that I told him was replayed before me as if happening to me again…all the dark ceremonies…all the names of other members…all the people that I had seen tortured all the people I had tortured. I longed for these memories to belong to someone else…I wished to be rid of them of the hate I felt of the sudden remorse I was now feeling.
A single, strangely beautiful note filled the room. I saw a flash of red and orange fly past me as a Phoenix settled onto my knee and sang its song…a song of healing. I closed my eyes and saw many memories begin to fade but not disappear. I felt my anger dissipate and the fear was lifted from my heart.
I looked up as the Phoenix took wing and sat on Dumbledore's shoulder.
"A phoenix?"
Dumbledore smiled and stroked the phoenix's feathers.
"Yes, Fawkes has very powerful abilities."
I nodded. Dumbledore sat with out saying a word, his face had gotten very thoughtful and I looked at my hands in my lap and wondered what he was thinking.
"There is a place for you in the Order…your information and knowledge will be very useful. There are certain conditions we need to talk about though."
I'm living someone else's life
Dreaming someone else's dream
Feeling someone else's pain and its slowly killing me
I thought I knew myself
Knew who I was
I believed in me
Well, that's gone
I can't go on
Dreaming someone else's dream
I didn't know what to say. It was more then I thought he would give me more then I truly deserved. A place in the Order of the Phoenix, a member of the inner circle of the resistance, the very group I had spent my life hating, I was now a part of it.
"You shall be The Dark Phoenix and stay in contact with Voldemort and the Death Eaters."
I paused. My fear and hesitation plain on my face, to go back was the last thing I wanted to do.
"Don't worry, Severus. You shall have all the protections offered to all Phoenix members and more protections then you will ever know."
I thought and fingered my left arm.
Dreaming someone else's dream
"He'll never know. I know I can trust you to do this."
This is someone else's dream.
I smiled a bit then looked up at Dumbledore and saw the trust in his eyes. A trust that would never be broken and I knew that I had finally found my place.
A/N: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Song Dreaming Someone Else's Dream belongs to Michael Ball, yep of Marius fame, it's the first song he's written and you can hear it on his CD The Very Best of Michael Ball, which was recorded live at Royal Albert Hall. This is our first fic together, you know who we are…~DarkPhoenixesRising~