Ok
I wrote this late one night and it's my first attempt so don't be too hard on
me. Write to me at devil_went_down@yahoo.co.ukand my name is Katie Hill.
Summer holidays.
Setting: On the bridge. Everyone
is bored Harry is playing snake, Tuvok is listening to a Discman, and Chakotay
is painting Seven's nails.
Janeway:
Mr. Tuvok any thing to report… Tuvok!
Tuvok:
Lola l-o-l-a Lola What?
Janeway:
Report Tuvok I don't ask for much, only for you to listen to me occasionally.
Tom:
Captain we always listen to you when don't we?
Harry
EAT THE TURKEY!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, EAT THE TURKEY!
(Looks
around)
Harry:
HIGH SCORE! I rule (continues to chant and dance around)
Janeway:
see no one cares I am going to sulk in my cabin and later I'm going to risk all
of our lives in a suicide mission HA HA.
Seven:
the boredom is driving us all mad.
Chakotay:
keep still or it won't be right.
(Janeway
flounces off to her cabin and sits down)
Janeway:
see they don't even follow me out. Maybe I'll blow up the ship yeah that would
so show them. (continues evil rantings for around an hour)
Q:
I care captain I care so much. So I'm going to make all of your lives so much
more fun.
Janeway:
can I kill tom? Ooh and Neelix and Naomi and Seven and-
Q:
Enough.
(Q
clicks his fingers and the entire senior crew appear on a beach.)
Q;
I've infected them with 'soapitis' Mahahah they will be just like soap opera
people. Mahahah Mahahah Mahahah.
B'lanna:
where are we?
Tom:
a beach, god you really are a dunce.
(B'lanna
hits him and storms off he trails after her apologising)
Janeway:
lets split up and find out where Q has put us.
(Everyone
splits up the Doctor, Seven and Neelix head to the houses close by, Tuvok and
Harry head for the lifeguard tower, Chakotay and Janeway go for the Café)
Harry:
so we are on a beach eh what's with that?
Tuvok:
Don't make conversation. It makes you seem even more idiotic.
I
am going to go buy cookies
Harry:
I'm not sure if the Capt-
Tuvok:
I'll but you an ice cream.
Harry:
five
Tuvok:
agreed.
Seven:
this is futile we should locate Q.
Neelix:
but the captain said to find voyager.
Seven;
Q
Neelix:
VOYAGER
Seven:
Q
Neelix:
VOYAGER
Doctor: Stop fighting now. We will search for
Q and voyager at the same time agreed.
Chakotay:
we have been looking in the sky for an hour for voyager. Maybe it's not there.
Janeway:
it has to be what would I do without it. I need it. I need to be in charge
dammit.
Chakotay:
why don't we take a break in that bar over there.
Janeway:
ok but then we have to start looking again.
B'lanna:
I never want to see you again ever you don't respect me at all.
Tom:
I do I love you
B'lanna:
no its over good bye.
B'lanna: finally,
an excuse now I'm gonna get me a real man who doesn't have a wussy haircut.
Tom:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
B'lanna:
you'll live. See ya.
(Walks
off humming 'girls just wanna have fun'.)
Q: still isn't
good enough. Needs more people. Haven't visited. DS9 lately. A quick click and
instant drama. Mahahah Mahahah Mahahah.
(Cisco, Worf,
Jadzia, Bashir, Odo, Kira and O'Brien appear.)
Cisco: Looks like
a note,
Dear DS9,
Haven't
seen you in awhile and thought I'd have some fun. You can't escape so just go
with it. The crew of voyager are also here so catch up and pass on that you are
all here for two weeks. No escapes so enjoy. Q.
Worf: not Q again
I hate him.
Ob (O'Brien):
remember the tights (shudders)
Jadzia: might as
well enjoy it.
Kira: two weeks
paid vacation.
Cisco: that's the
spirit.
Worf: I will
attempt to escape immediately.
Jadzia: it's
impossible so we might as well enjoy ourselves. (Gives him a 'look')
Worf: but we have
duties on DS9 and what about the dominion and Cardassians? (realises she gave
him a 'look') never mind.
Cisco: ok so
split up and have fun.
Kira: look horses
lets go for a ride?
Odo: or go to
that café up there?
Kira: ok
Janeway: Put
horses heads in people beds 'cause iiiiiii am the mob when duties call gonna
bust some ballllllls cause iiiiiii am the mob.
Odo: aah the
voyager crew. If memory serves me that's the captain.
Cisco: yeah I was
in the academy with her.
Chakotay: ok
Katherine you are the mob but why don't you stop singing.
Janeway: NO I
like singing.
Chakotay; why do
you always make a scene wherever we go. Come down or I'm leaving.
Janeway: NO NO
NO! (stamping her foot)
Chakotay: fine.
(to Kira, Cisco and Odo) she's your problem now.
Bashir: I wonder
what the hospitals are like here. I could do research. You can help. Maybe a
comparison between here and the federation. It would be fun.
Ob: pub! I mean
oh look a café why don't we go and have some alcoho… food.
Bashir: yes get
our strength up.
Tom: hello…sigh
Doctor: what's
wrong with you?
Tom; B'lanna
dumped me WHAT AM I GOING TO DO I cant LIVE without her I love her (starts
crying)
Neelix: I know
just how you feel when Kes and I …
Tom: it's nothing
like that I love her (wails loudly)
Seven:
condolences. have you seen voyager?
Tom:
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(The Doctor,
Seven and Neelix look embarrassed and creep away)
Jadzia: look he's
crying … idiot.
Worf: Men don't
cry.
Tom: Jadzia is
that you????
Jadzia: oh no I
used to date him. Run and I'll pretend I don't know him.
Worf: he's
gaining on us go faster.
Tom: Jadzia slow
down my legs don't know how to walk as fast as yours.
Jadzia: maybe we
should stop and you can beat him up.
Worf: no we will
not surrender.
Jadzia: look a
café we can hide there.
Worf: he's
catching up.
Janeway: and none
of them appreshiate me, hic, And they ignore me and im supposshhed to short out
all of, hic, all of their problemsh.
Cisco: poor you.
will you let go of my arm now my fingers have gone numb.
Janway: no then
you'll leave me they alwaysh leave you take
Chak, hic,otay
he's suppossshedd to be my firsht offisher and he left me here.
Cisco: look its
O'Brien and Bashir. Over here. Sit and that's an order.
Waitress: what
can I get you all?
Ob: bottle of
whiskey
Kira: red wine.
Bashir: synthale.
Cisco: make that
two.
Janeway: bottle
of vodka, two aftershocks, bottle of tequila.
Cisco: maybe you
shouldn't have all of that.
Janeway: ssshut
up I'll tell you when I've had enough.
Kira: where did
odo go?
Jadzia: look it's
Benjamin, we can hid behind him.
Worf: (with
terror in his voice) hurry before he sees us
Cisco: Worf
Jadzia what can we do for you
Jadzia: talk
later hide now.
Tom: JADZIA where
are you?
Janeway: Tom join
us. What's wrong?
Tom: B'lanna
dumped me but I saw my old girlfriend and I've been chasing after her. She must
not have heard me.
Janeway: whatsss
her name hic?
Tom: Jadzia. Captain
are you drunk?
Janeway:
nopesshey ish thish her? (points to Jadzia now rolled up in ball under the
table)
Jadzia: ah found
my earring thanks for helping me look my HUSBAND Worf.
Tom: you are
married? I've just been dumped and I thought…
Jadzia: nope I'm
married.
(Chakotay is
sitting in a different dingyer looking bar)
Chakotay: when
ever we go on holidays together it always happens she gets drunk and sings and
we fight.
Bartender: well
why don't you just get a divorce find yourself a new wife.
Chakotay: she's
my captain.
Bartender: I know
it might seem that way but you can live without her.
Chakotay; no she
is the captain of my ship and I love her.
Odo; know the
feeling I've been in love with Major Kira for years.
Chakotay: but if
she rejects you every thing would be different.
Odo: I know
Bartender: why
don't you get them drunk and then ask them if they are in love with you?
Odo; that would
be underhanded and wrong.
Chakotay: but it
might work.
Odo: I'm in if
you are.
Seven: voyager
must be here.
Neelix: I'm tired
can we go now?
Doctor: seven we
can't find voyager now why don't we find the others.
Seven: fine but I
wanted to keep looking and you wouldn't let me and im telling the captain that.
Neelix:
cough(baby)
Seven: I heard
that. Doctor he called me a baby
Neelix: did not
can't prove it
Seven: did so
Doctor: STOP IT
YOU HAVE BEEN AT THIS ALL DAY AND I CAN'T STICK IT ANYMORE.
Seven: who's
cranky?
Neelix: what's
his problem?
Tom: you really
don't know how lucky you are neither did I until I lost her (wails loudly)
Worf: there there
let go of me now or I'll be forced to kill you.
Cisco: Be nice
he's just had his heart broken.
(Jadzia and Kira
are sitting at a different table with Janeway)
Kira: god no
wonder they haven't tried to find voyager they are all so whiny.
Jadzia : I know I
should rescue Worf but that would require effort and movement.
Janeway: I HATE
MY CREW
Kira: how drunk
is she?
Jadzia: she just
can't hold her liquor.
Kira: you
couldn't drink that much
Jadzia: could too
I'll prove it I can drink you under the table
Kira: I'll kick
your ass
Ob; I can drink
you both under the table.
Jadzia: winner
gets to…
Kira: bar of
latinum?
Ob: hit tom?
Jadzia: to not
pay losers split the bill.
Ob: waitress take
our orders.
Tuvok: sing
ensign we require money
Harry: I don't
wanna
Tuvok: do you
want me to hurt you I need money to purchase cookies.
Harry: I don't
wanna
Tuvok: SING NOW
Harry: I met her
in a club down in north soho where you drink champagne and it tastes just like
cherry cola
Tuvok: louder so
every one can here
Harry: c-o-l-a
cola she walked up to me and she asked me to dance… some thing something Lola
l-o-l-a lo-
B'lanna: Harry
what are you doing?
Harry: Tuvok is
making me sing for money please help me!
B'lanna: if I
don't tell the captain I get half the money
Tuvok: 40%
B'lanna: 45%
Tuvok: agreed
B'lanna: sing
Harry I want cash.
Kira: ( on stage
with a karaoke machine) well I don't know why I came here tonight I got the
feeling that something ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
and I'm wondering how to get down the stairs.
Jadzia: clowns to
the left of me jokers to the right here I am stuck in the middle with you.
Bashir: they're
singing.
Kira and Jadzia:
pleeeeeasssse pleeeeeaaaassseeeeee
(Chakotay and odo
enter)
Odo: looks like
Kira is already drunk.
Chakotay: so is
Katherine oh no she's getting up to sing.
Janeway: All the
small things. True care truth gleams ill take one lift you're my best trip.
Always I know you'll be at my show watching waiting anticipating. Say it ain't
so I will not go…
Chakotay: she is
a great singer.
Odo: love is
definitely blind and deaf
Chakotay: you
don't like her singing?
Odo: she sounds
like a cat being tortured
Janeway: say it
ain't so I will not go turn the lights off carry me nananananannnanannnnananannnananananananananan…
Chakotay: take
that back
Odo: I speak the
truth
Chakotay: well
Kira has a mans haircut
Odo: I keeell
you.
Chakotay: bring
it on puddle man
(Odo and Chakotay
start fighting. Seeing his chance to escape Tom, Worf goes to 'stop' them (sub
'beat the crap out of both of them' in for stop))
Jadzia: go on
Worf you kick some ass
Kira: I bet a
strip of latinum on Odo
Janeway: Chakotay
is dead. oh no. Another shot of tequila ladies.
Both: fill it up.
B'lanna: Harry if
we don't make some serious cash soon I'll kill you.
Harry: tom won't
let you
B'lanna: I've
dumped tom so no protection.
Tuvok: you dumped
Mr. Paris?
B'lanna: yeah the
whole relationship thing was getting old.
Tuvok: so who are
you with now?
B'lanna: I have a
date with that blue guy tomorrow night.
Tuvok: aah good
choice.
Tuvok: ensign I
don't hear singing.
Harry: the devil
went down to Georgia and he was looking for a soul to steal…
Worf: I am
victorious.
Jadzia: good boy
I'm winning the drinking contest.
Worf: that's my
girl.
Jadzia: what
happened whiny boy?
Worf: I tied him
up with Odo and tattoo boy.
Jadzia: nice
final touch.
Kira: Worf go
free Odo that's an order
Jadzia: why?
Kira: I need some
one to carry me to my quarters.
(Cisco and Bashir
who are sitting alone and extremely sober look bored)
Bashir: what
quarters? We are on an alien planet. Not DS9 or Voyager.
Cisco: we should
have thought of this earlier.
Jadzia: I wanna
sleep.
Worf: I'll go
secure lodgings
Cisco: for all of
us please.
Worf: I cannot
find a hotel. Jadzia will be mad. Must keep looking.
Harry: cause all
I wanna do is have some fun and I got the feeling im not the only one… please
sir help me I'm in Starfleet too. My commanding officer is making me sing for
money.
B'lanna: Harry
get with the vocals I want a nice hotel tonight
Tuvok: and I want
my cookies
Worf: Tuvok
Tuvok: Worf
Worf: I have been
giving the task of finding accomadation for both crews.
B'lanna: with
what good will?
Worf: no the
credit card I stole from Dr. Bashir. He is too stupid to notice.
B'lanna: there is
a five star hotel up the road
Worf: excellent
all the crews are at the café on the beach.
Tuvok: come we
will meet them there.
Harry: can I stop
singing?
Tuvok: yes.
Harry: hip hip
hurrah I'm free again hip hip…
Tuvok: I can
change my mind. Now Worf can I have a word with you…
Tom: I love her I
can't live with out her
Chakotay: same
here I love the captain
Odo: I love major
Kira.
( In case you
haven't guessed yet alcohol is flowing like a river and now even Odo is drunk)
Tom: look it's
B'lanna B'LANNA I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME BACK I LOVE YOU!
Chakotay: lets
sing them a song
Odo: quick to the
karaoke machine
(they shuffle
towards the stage)
Janeway: Tuvok
catsch up have some tequila.
Jadzia: hey I
know you1 B'lanna isn't it we had a class together at the academy.
B'lanna: before I
dropped out.
Jadzia: who cares
we are sisters! Drink with us. Vodka shots for all!
Harry: captain
Tuvok and B'lanna were mean to me they made me sing an-
Janeway: I don't
give a damn sit down and drink or go and talk to whiny tom.
Harry:
(sniffling) you don't have to be mean to me
Janeway: screw
you.
Chakotay, Odo and
Tom: we love you all and we going to
sing a medley for the women we love:
T: I'd give up
forever to touch you cause I know that you feel me so much, you're the closest
to heaven that I've ever seen and I don't want to go home right now
All: We love you
yes we do cause we spend all our money on you dodododododo we love you
O: And they
called it puppy looooovvvvvve
C: Cause its
always you and me always and forever you and me always
O: And I will
alwaaays loooove you
T: And if you're
gone, maybe it's time to come home.
There's an awful lot of breathing yea but I can hardly move if you're
gone maybe you need to come home, come home, there's a little bit of something
in me and every thing in you
Kira: Odo is
singing
Janeway: who is
Chakotay singing to? I keell her
B'lanna: aah look
tom is making a fool of himself and he's changed his hair maybe I could have
him back
Chakotay:
Katherine I love you!
Odo: Kira I have
always loved you
Tom: please come
back to me B'lanna I'll do what ever you want and I'll buy you lots of
jewellery.
B'lanna: tom you
are so sweet I love you too and I know here the hotel is lets go!
Kira: Odo you
love me? I love you too… you are my best friend come have aftershocks with me,
man
Janeway: you,
hic, love me? I'm gonna throw up
Odo: she doesn't
love me
Chakotay: at
least she didn't throw up. I'd better go check on her.
Odo: at least one
of us got lucky. Coming major.
Doctor: where are
the rest of the crew?
Seven: I do not
know and you have asked that question of me 24 times already to the same
answer.
Neelix: look a
rat I could cook it for dinner with some nice roast sand and-
Seven: -I'd prefer
to cook him for dinner-
Neelix: what?
What did you say Doctor she said something about me
Doctor: kill me
now puh-leese
Seven: I vote we
split up
Doctor: wait
there's that man we left tom with.
Worf: are you
from Voyager?
Doctor: yes
Worf: the rest of
your crew has left. Our ship can take two more people. We have chosen the
Doctor and the Drone.
Seven: I have a
name it's Seven
Worf: that is a
number not a name
Seven: it can be
a name too. Ask captain Janeway.
Worf: I am
correct there is no argument. Come with me leave that man behind.
Doctor: well
Neelix pleasure serving with you good-bye.
Seven: ditto
Neelix: you can't
just leave me
Worf: they can
and will. Goodbye. (shoots him with phazer Neelix turns to dust) - Yes a
bottle of blood wine from Tuvok Jadzia will be pleased-
Neelix:
Tuvok: Worf were
you successful in your mission?
Worf: yes I have
secured lodgings but we must all share rooms and have gotten rid of the rat-man
Neelix. Where is my wine?
Tuvok: excellent.
Here you go.
Worf: Jadzia I did
what you told me
Tuvok: listen I
have an announcement. Voyager crew I have gotten rid of Neelix. The hell is
finally over. Now we can have a party till Q comes back. To drinking far too
much.
Worf: hear hear.
Cisco: lets go
play baseball on the beach!
Jadzia: yeah!
Harry: I drank an
entire beer by myself!
Seven: I have
consumed tequila and feel happier and less stressed
Doctor: Neelix is
finally gone HALLAHLUJAH!!!
Kira: How do you
play baseball?
Odo: ditto
Ob: whiskey
whiskey whiskey come on chant with me Julian
Bashir: whiskey
whiskey whiskey.
Cisco: to the
beach bring the drinks with us!
(all run out of
the café leaving Harry behind)
Waitress: sir the
bill comes to 16 bars of gold plated latinum.
Harry: I don't
have any cash can I use this credit card?
Waitress: yea
sure so Dr. Bashir do ya want a receipt?
Harry: that won't
be necessary but could you check the credit limit on that card?
Waitress: sure
thing Doc.(walks over to credit machine)
Harry: at last
I'm rich. Women will love me!
Tuvok: so the point
is to hit that little ball with this big stick and run around a square shaped
field?
Cisco: yes
basically ok get into two teams. The captains are the captains.
Janeway: rights
sssooooo I choossse chkotayss
Cisco: worf
Janeway: erm
sseven
Cisco: Jadzia
Janeway: O'Brien
Cisco: the
hologram
Janeway: Tuvokie
hee hee.
Cisco: Kira
Janeway: Odo
Cisco: so we are
divided up lets start
Worf: our team
will be the victors
Seven: (at this
stage very tipsy) we will win resistance is futile.
Next Morning.
(In room 116
Cisco, Bashir, the Doctor and O'Brien are all asleep on the big double bed)
Cisco: ugh
Ob: my head
Bashir: why oh
why
Doctor: good
morning all I'm a hologram so I don't get hangovers. Why don't I get you all
some coffee and breakfast-
Bashir: don't
even mention food
(Room 117 Harry
is asleep on the bed surrounded by Swedish blondes)
Harry: good
morning ladies
Blondes: good
morning doctor
Harry:
-whistling- heaven I'm in heaven
(room 118
Janeway, Odo, Kira, and Chakotay in the room. Odo and Chakotay are on the
floor)
Kira: now that
was a good nights sleep how about you boys?
Chakotay: my back
hurts and I slept on a shoe and I'm cold
Janeway: poor
baby what's with Odo?
Kira: he sleeps
in a gelatinous state.
Janeway: is he
like jelly?
Kira: yeah kind
of
Janeway: can I
eat him?
Kira: no that's
mean however it's a lot of fun to move him while he is asleep or pour him into
a wineglass and pretend you're about to drink him. He got mad last time though.
Chakotay: we
could pour him the coffee machine that would get everyone
Janeway: good
thinking commander now you go put him in the coffee machine but first get us a
cup each.
Chakotay: right
away captain (runs out to do her bidding)
Kira: you have
him so well trained. Pity he didn't get dressed first.
Janeway: I'm not
complaining.
Tom: morning
Chakotay (sees that he is naked. ignores it Chakotay never remembers to put his
pants on) what are you up to?
Chakotay: just
getting some coffee bye now
Tom: (pours
coffee) umm this is good better get some for B'lanna
Doctor: good
morning how are you?
Tom: B'lanna
still loves me try the coffee it's good
Doctor: I'll
bring some to every one.
Two hours later.
Kira: bet Odo is
really pissed at us
Janeway: wonder
why no one has gotten scared yet
Chakotay: it will
be so funny
(enter dining
room. Every one is there eating breakfast and drinking coffee)
B'lanna: this
coffee just doesn't taste the same as the last batch.
Jadzia: try fewer
beans
Worf: or more- no
less Jadzia is always right
Kira: new batch
of coffee?
Janeway: where's
Odo?
Jadzia: haven't
seen him you all missed the good coffee.
Kira: (falls to
knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Worf: what's with
her?
Janeway: um we
kinda put Odo in the coffee machine this morning and yea you all drank him
B'lanna: WE DRANK
SOMEONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Chakotay: yea
pretty much
B'lanna: oh well
not like I know, sorry, knew him and how could we drink a solid person?
Janeway: goes
gooey when he sleeps
B'lanna: cool he
tasted so good
Kira: I never
told him that I loved him
Cisco: there there
we can get a new Odo if we're nice to the dominion
Kira:
waaaagggghhhhhhhh
(Cisco leaves
with Kira, Bashir follows)
Jadzia: I drank
Odo
Worf; his death
was honourable for he tasted good
Chakotay: I
finally made a real friend and you all drank him
Janeway: it's ok
and stop crying- wuss-.
Seven: I know how
to act in these situations the Doctor taught me. This is what you do.
Commander, condolences for your loss he/she will not be forgotten but remain
forever in our memories.
Chakotay: that's
beautiful
Seven: I try
(Harry cruises in
with his blondes)
Harry: good
morning
Blondes: good
morning everybody
Tom: how did he
get them!?
(Bashir comes
back in looking bewildered)
Bashir: has any
one seen my credit card?
(Harry looks
nervous and stands up to leave)
Blondes: Dr.
Bashir let's go buy more clothes
Bashir: I'm Dr.
Bashir he's Harry
Harry: Bashir a
word
Bashir: Harry you
stole my credit card to get women
Harry: I know and
they are so hot I'll pay you back when Voyager comes to DS9 next.
Bashir: well ok
Harry: hee hee-
we won't get home for decades-. Come on blondes lets cruise
Blondes: yes Dr.
Bashir
Jadzia: that was
nice of you Julian
Bashir: I'm a
nice guy
B'lanna: nice
guys come last we won't get home for decades if we do at all. Idiot
Bashir: I knew
that I knew that HARRY come back NOW!
(Bashir runs
after Harry screaming obcenitites)
Tom: so what did
you all do after we left last night?
Worf: we played
baseball. My team won
Seven: no my team
won
Worf: our team
won by a homerun
Seven: no you had
two taken off of you because Kira kept hitting Tuvok when no one was looking
therefore my team won
Worf: no my team
won
(Jadzia and
B'lanna sitting close by are watching this)
B'lanna:
excellent there will be a fight
Jadzia: I love
fights who do you think will win
B'lanna: Seven
she hits hard and fights dirty
Jadzia: Worf will
win and I can guarantee it
(Seven and Worf
are now fighting)
Jadzia: I'll dump
you if you lose honey
Worf: I must be
victorious
Seven: you will
be assima- hurt badly
(O'Brien comes
running in)
Ob: I know how to
get home I know how to get home!
All: what
Ob: all we have
to do is call Q and he can bring us all home
Jadzia: you
haven't started yet have you?
Ob: no I want
every one to be there
B'lanna: grab
him!
(Scuffle ensues
and pretty soon O'Brien is tied to a pillar in the dining room)
Ob: why have you
all done this I just wanted to go home
Jadzia: we are
having a gopod time we're not going home until the two weeks are up
Worf: yes if you
try O'Brien I will have to kill you.
And there we
leave our happy crews. This holiday turned out really well. Harry drank a beer
by himself and scored with many hot women. Tom: was dumped but managed to get
B'lanna back. Neelix is dead. Janeway got drunk (finally) Chakotay found and
drank a new friend. Cisco did nothing. Seven and the Doctor had many high
jinxes. Worf and Jadzia did the same as usual start fights and drink. O'Brien
got tied to a pole. Bashir has spent more money then he will ever earn on his
credit card. Kira discovered that she loved Odo after everyone drank him but at
least he tasted good.
The
end
