Pieces

You and me, got ourselves a problem.
I can see this better than I solve 'em.

Emily looked out the window and sighed. The ride was quiet, quieter than she was used to. She felt a pang in her chest and she knew that it wasn't because of the brand or the stake. They were usually quiet on the way home, mostly because they were lost in their own thoughts. But there was always a hushed chatter, voices that she heard whenever she was drifting in and out of consciousness. She could hear the rustling of papers or smell the pot of coffee that was keeping them going. Sometimes, there was even laughter that echoed through the jet. But this wasn't the jet she had grown accustom to. And there was only the two of them in the air. Besides, there was nothing funny about what was happening. Emily wasn't new to flying on private planes, after all she was a Prentiss. But the BAU jet was different, it always had been. Even from the beginning. It was a place of in between, uncertainty. And yet, it still made her feel safe, grounded.

She was dead, technically. Her casket was probably already buried, her tombstone already being engraved with her date of death. She should've felt it when she woke up and no one was there. The grief of not being able to see them. The fear that Doyle was still alive, hunting Declan. The pain of having to lie to all of them, of having to lie to her family. But she didn't. If anything, she felt numb to all of it. It was as if she was observing her life through a lens. She was there, witnessing it but she wasn't present. She should've felt it when she was alone in the hospital room, trying to recover. She should've felt it when the agent that was guarding her room told her that they were moving her. But she didn't. It was only when she stepped foot on the jet that would take her to her new home, her new life. She felt it. When she saw JJ waiting for her on the couch, she felt it. It was in the other woman's eyes when they sat down. The pain, the misery she had caused everyone made itself known. And even if JJ tried to hide it, she could still see it.

She was always good at compartmentalizing but this, this was too much and she had been strong for too long. The tears started running down her cheeks before she could stop them. She sniffled and it seemed to echo through the empty jet. She was eternally grateful that the blonde had gone to the bathroom. She hastily wiped the tears away and closed her eyes. She was leaving everything behind. Her life was gone, done. Lauren Reynolds was dead. Emily Prentiss was dead. How long until her next identity died too, she wondered. She exhaled loudly and jumped when she felt a soft hand touching her shoulder.

"Sorry," She gave a sympathetic smile but her eyes were wide. "Didn't mean to scare you."

She shook her head, dismissing the apology. "It's okay. Just a little jumpy I guess."

She noticed the moment when the blonde saw the bloodshot eyes and tear tracks. She knew that she was caught because a hand was being placed on her knee for a moment before she leaned forward and pulled the other woman into her.

"Hey," she whispered. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

Emily clutched her tighter, the smell of her floral shampoo filling her nostrils. "I know…I just."

"I know, leaving them is the hardest part." There was a hint of what sounded like guilt in the younger woman's tone.

"JJ," She pulled back to look at the other woman's face. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she muttered immediately and Emily knew that she was anything but fine.

"Come on, it doesn't take a profiler to know that you're lying. What is it?" She asked, her eyebrow raised.

JJ sighed, avoiding her gaze. "Your funeral was yesterday."

"I'm sorry." Emily studied her for a moment before adding. "There's more."

"Em, please." Her voice was soft and she was still looking everywhere but the other woman's eyes.

"JJ don't shut me out." She pressed gently, her hand finding its way to the other woman.

"Me!" She exclaimed, yanking her hand away. "You're the one that never says anything."

She opened her mouth, willing herself to say something, anything but nothing came out. She felt she throat tightening, making it harder for her to breathe. She closed her eyes, forcing another set of tears down. She missed them, all of them. And it hurt her knowing that she hurt them but this was how it had to be. There was no other way. And it killed her knowing that they were mourning her and that she couldn't tell them. Her and JJ were always good at communicating, even if it wasn't through words. Even without JJ saying anything, she knew what the others were going through. It was written all over her face. She assumed Garcia was leaning on Morgan for emotional support, more than the others. And she knew Morgan well enough to know that he was going to be there for her every step of the way. She also knew that by doing that, he was avoiding his own feelings about her 'death'. Rossi would grieve on his own, privately. Probably talk to Hotch at some point. She hoped that Hotch and JJ were talking, they were the only two able to share the same kind of grief and worry for the rest of them. Emily also knew that Reid was coming to JJ, leaning on her for support and it was killing her. But she would suck it up and take it, because JJ and her were similar in many ways.

She ran her fingers through her hair. "What do you want me to say that I haven't already said or that you don't already know."

"You could've told me you were in trouble." She sounded so tired and another wave of guilt washed over her. "We could've helped."

She pressed her lips together and exhaled. "No. You guys really couldn't have."

"You don't know that." She snapped, her face scrunching up in regret.

The betrayal and hurt in the other woman's voice made her flinch. "Yes. I do."

"Emily, you-" She stopped herself, shaking her head. "I don't want our last couple hours together to be us fighting."

"Neither do I." She admitted, softly. "Where are we going?"

"Paris." She said with a small smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

"The city of love." She hummed in response.

She could've sworn she heard the other woman whisper under her breath. "More like the city of loss."

"I'm sorry." She whispered, the words leaving her lips before she could stop them. "For putting you in this position. I-I never wanted you to have to lie for me. To keep this from them. I know that this is killing you. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's Doyle's." She saw the other woman's muscles clench in anger. "We'll find him and you'll come home."

Emily didn't say anything. She couldn't let herself believe that this was a temporary thing. Emily Prentiss was dead. She had died when a stake pierced her chest. Emily Prentiss never made it off the table. She had to believe it otherwise there would be hope. And if she's learned anything it's that hope is a dangerous thing. It was easier to digest the fact that she was never going to see the others again. Because if she let herself believe that she'll be able to be Emily Prentiss again. If she let herself believe that there was hope, then Ian Doyle would win because doing that would only drive her to insanity. At some point, JJ had thrown her legs over the couch and Emily shifted so that JJ could rest her head on her chest. They stayed like that for a while and she could feel the tension fading away. She closed her eyes, listening to JJ's heartbeat and the hum of the jet. When she opened her eyes, noticed the fading tan line where the other woman's ring should be.

"How long?" She asked, her voice sounding strange in the quiet.

She watched how the other woman's chest rose and fell when she sighed. "Six months."

Emily bit her lip. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"When was I supposed to say it?" She asked, letting out a huff of air. "It was too much for him. The transfer was the last straw. I mean, I saw it coming. We tried but we just…we're not the same people. I still love him and I know he still loves me but it's not the same. We're too different. Drifted too far apart. And if I'm being honest, I think I know why. My heart is no longer in the same place."

She furrowed her brows in confusion for a moment before biting back a sigh. She couldn't help but stare when their fingers intertwined, the realization of the other woman's words hitting her a few moments later. They never had the right timing, her and JJ. There was always something that got in the way. Emily thought back to when she first joined the team, her family. She thought that maybe there was something, that she wasn't imagining it. But then the case in New Orleans happened, he happened. And it was okay because she knew that JJ was happy that he made her happy. And she ignored the twinge she got whenever she saw them together. And honestly, she had gotten used to it and even forgot about it most days. Until a certain shared moment would happen and the twinge came flaring back. The fact that they could've been, might've been, should've been made her want to yell in frustration. But once again, the possibility of a maybe was gone. She wondered if they ever really stood a chance. Or if the odds were stacked against them from the beginning.

"Jen." she whispered, unable to voice the thoughts swarming her mind.

"I know," she exhaled, her thumb brushing against her skin. "Emily, me too."

They stayed like that for the rest of the ride, holding each other. Knowing that this was it, this was their goodbye. They didn't say anything, there wasn't a word or a phrase that would help them. Besides, they never really needed words to communicate their thoughts to begin with. All they needed was each other. They didn't think about anything other than that moment because they knew that once they touched the ground, they would have to part ways. But in the jet, while they were in the air, there was no maybe, no what if's. And for just a moment, they were together. They were safe, high up in the sky where nothing could stop them.

I love you, I love you.
And all of your pieces.