Details
Fine, I'll hold my breath.
Till I forget, it's complicated.
"The number you have reached is unavailable. Please hang up and try again."
She hung up the phone and sighed. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to end this way. It was pouring of rain, she could feel droplets sinking into her skin even though she was under the roof. She had stepped out onto the font porch to get some air. The steps were cold and slightly damp under her but she didn't care. She heard the sound of thunder in the distance and looked up at the sky. She briefly wondered if herflight had been delayed, it probably was in this weather. She shivered and pulled the sweater tighter around her. She sat there, watching as droplets crashed into the puddles around her, creating little waves as they fell to the ground. She was suddenly reminded of a night not too long ago, a memory that she really would've loved to forget. It seemed like only yesterday she sat on these steps, watching the rain fall around her as she pretended her best friend was dead. Now, she's alive but gone and it was all her fault.
She looked at her hands and realized that she had absentmindedly been playing with her wedding ring. She was happy, Will made her happy. There was no denying that. He was sweet and kind and warm. And made her feel safe. He was charming and understanding and an amazing husband and even better father. Then why was there a pang of guilt whenever she saw the ring? Why was she overcome with immense feelings of bliss and happiness and sorrow when someone pointed it out to her? She knew the answer to that one, the answer was currently flying 3669 miles away from her. It wasn't fair, what happened, what she did wasn't fair. She knew that but she still couldn't wrap her head around the other woman's departure. Not yet, it was too soon, she was too raw.
It had started years ago, when Emily first joined the team. It all happened during the Tobias case. They were sharing a room, nothing new. But that case, those dogs, Spencer. It all was too much for her and she collapsed into a sobbing mess as soon as she got to the room. Emily stayed there, beside her on the bed, comforting her She wasn't sure why but when the other woman pulled her in for a hug, something inside her snapped. Suddenly she was pulling the other woman in for a bruising kiss and not long after she realized what she had done and pulled back. But when Emily searched her eyes, she found herself being pulled in by the other woman. They stayed like that for minutes, hours she still wasn't sure but it was intoxicating and the raven-haired woman knew how to kiss. Oh, boy did she ever know how to kiss. It didn't develop into anything more than that, at least not for another couple of weeks. After a rough case, they would find themselves knocking on each others door with a bottle of wine and some cheap takeout that was forgotten about as soon as the door closed. Bodies pressed against each other, hungry mouths starving for each other, scorching lips trailing open kisses all over, limbs tangled in messy sheets. They never spoke about it, not at work, not while their clothes were being discarded on the wooden floors. They couldn't, saying anything would make it real, would change things. And neither of them were prepared for that. So, when Will asked her out, she said yes and whatever they had been doing was put to a stop. And when they broke up, she knocked on the older agent's door without thinking. Because thinking would've made her question what the heel was happening. That night, there was no wine, no false pretenses. Just two bodies wanting to succumb to a night of pleasure. And then she got back together with Will and tried to ignore the pang in her chest when she saw the raven-haired beauty sitting across from her.
She never wanted to be break someone's heart, she never thought that she could. But the night they saved John Cooley, she found herself waiting on the other woman's front steps with a bottle of cheap wine and cold takeout. When the other woman showed up, she was led up the stairs of the building without a word. And when the closed and she was being pushed up against it, desperate lips crashing onto hers, she didn't stop it. When fingers found their way into her hair, she let them. And when they pulled apart, questioning eyes glancing at her through fluttering eyelashes, she led them into the bedroom, their fingers intertwining as the made their way through the dark apartment. And when they were drenched in sweat, exhausted from pleasure and ecstasy, she ignored the fact that there was someone else in her bed, waiting for her when she went back home. That as the night everything shifted again, only this time the shift wasn't for better. It happened again, and again. They both knew it was wrong, it wouldn't end well, that they were destroying everything. But they couldn't stop. They were drawn together, the magnetic pull of her lips, the way their bodies seemed to fit perfectly together, the way her heart would speed up at the sight of the other woman completely naked and pleading in front of her. And sure enough, one day it came to a crashing halt. She supposed that her own guilt about that night had clouded her judgement, impaired her to see the mess that would slowly unfold in front of her. The lingering glances, barely there touches. After all they did work with profilers. She meant for it to go as far as it did. She never meant to screw it all up. She tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the feeling that things were falling apart. And she was doing well, they were doing well until one night. She heard it, those three words. She heard the raven-haired woman whisper it into her hair as she placed a featherlight kiss on the top of her head.
The reality of what was happening set in and she did what she knew best, ran the other direction. She pushed whatever feelings she too had developed for the other woman aside and convinced herself that all these years meant nothing. That it was just sex. Just adulterous sex and she was going to go back to her loving boyfriend and father of her child and that whatever had been happening, whatever trance she had been under for the last few years was over. And then she got called to be a part of the 'state department' and she was able to forget. Forget that she was destroying the man that she loved, ruining the family she had always dreamed of. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to forget those haunting chestnut orbs. And then thee mess that was Ian Doyle flew into their lives and Emily Prentiss was gone. Emily Prentiss never made off the table. Maybe that was why in a dingy apartment in the heart of Paris, she found her back being pressed against a wall, her hand reaching between the other woman's thighs. Maybe that's why she was finally able to admit to herself that her heart sped up after every sigh and she felt like she could get lost in those beautiful chestnut orbs. Maybe that's why when she heard the breathing of the woman next to her even out she traced patterns on her arm and whispered in the dark, "I love you too."
When Emily Prentiss came back from the dead, she was thrilled, relieved but also terrified. Because that meant that the woman who made her feel so much, too much, at once was once again entering her life. But she distant and it was strange. They weren't the same and the voice in the back of her mind reminded her that the other woman was acting as a friend because that's all they should've been. They shouldn't have lingering glances and she shouldn't feel electricity burning through her when they accidentally brushed up against each other. She was confronted one night when Emily told her to make a choice because the raven-haired agent had destroyed enough lives and she refused to be guilty of destroying anymore. And then Will almost died and she realized that she made her choice. Because being with Will was easy and simple and he made her feel warm. And Emily was dangerous and exhilarating and made her feel emotions that she had never felt before. But she wasn't going to risk everything, she couldn't. Will was safe and she knew that she would never end up getting her heart broken by him. So that's what she did, she asked him to marry her and she ignored the fact that she was protecting her heart by doing this. Because she loved him, she was the love of his life. And she refused to think about how Emily might be the love of her life. She played with her wedding ring as she was reminded once again about that night.
JJ had found her by the bar, nursing a glass of what she imagined was scotch. "You're leaving."
"I have to." She said with a shrug and glanced at the dancefloor. "You made your choice and I accepted it. I want you to be happy and if that's not with me I-I understand. but I can't… I can't stay."
She placed a hand on the other woman's arm, the music and people in the background had faded away. "Emily,"
"You should be with your husband." The raven-haired beauty made no attempt to cover the bitterness coating her words. "Have a good night, Jen. I'll see you before you leave for your honeymoon."
She downed the rest of the glass that was in her hand and left to dance with Morgan and Garcia on the dancefloor, leaving her to wonder if she was making the right decision.
The thunder was closer now, so close that the booming sound tore her away from the memory. They never did end up seeing each other after that moment. Not a goodbye, not a note, not a word was spoken to her. She briefly wondered if planning the flight to London on the same day she returned was intentional. It was over now, she made her choice and whatever she was feeling, she just had to push it aside and move on with her life. She closed her eyes and for a moment, she let the sound of the water hitting the ground be the only thing that entered her mind. She opened her eyes, staring at the ring on her finger for a moment before standing up and walking up the steps, knowing that know matter what happened. No matter how much time passed, there would always be a special place in her heart for the other woman and there was nothing she could do about it.
Time is all the steps you either made here.
Or you didn't.