Disclaimer
"Stargate" and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment.

Introduction
I have a sudden compulsion to write lots and lots of oneshots and rather than clogging up my homepage with a long list of different stories, I thought I'd put them all together.

As with my 'Twelve Days' collection, all stories will be independent from each other and will offer a wide range of styles from humour to hurt/comfort, from angst to romance and many things in between. There will be some crack (OTT characterisation and clichés) to follow too. Summaries/ratings will be at the start of each chapter. Obviously I like Rodney the most, so he'll probably feature centrally in a majority of them. I also like it when he gets whumped, so he might get hurt... a little bit...

Summary – Crack!fic/humour. Rodney finds himself in an unusual situation and must use his 'merry men' to locate and rescue a fair maiden from the evil clutches of a tyrant. Set in early Season Five.

Rating - T

Rodney McKay and His Merry Men

"So, what is it?" Ronon asked.

Rodney sighed and clicked the screen of his tablet a few times, "I don't know yet."

John gave Ronon a knowing smile before turning to Rodney, "Woolsey wants us back in a couple of hours, McKay. It took us an hour to get here."

"I know!" he snapped. He winced and added, "My feet know it quite well too."

He glanced up at the black domed ceiling inside the building they had found. The room was only lit with torchlight and Teyla stood guard by the door. She turned inwards briefly, "We would like to return in time for the film tonight."

Rodney huffed and lowered his tablet down so that he could shoot the rest of his team the best scathing look he could muster. He frowned and said, "Talking to me isn't really helping if you want this done quickly!"

John shifted his feet and drawled, "Alright, McKay. Just hurry it up."

Rodney mumbled and muttered under his breath as he carried on working at the podium in the centre of the room. Ronon absently picked a small branch out of his hair and shrugged. It came complete with green leaves from the forest they had trampled through to get to the building. John smirked at him as he circled the edge of the room. Teyla held her P90 ready and stared out of the doorway into the trees and kept alert for any danger which may try to get them.

Rodney's eyebrows rose up and he said, "That's strange. Hmm."

John paused in his pacing and Ronon looked up. Teyla asked, "What is it?"

Rodney waved a hand about, "Oh, nothing you need to worry about."

John frowned and said slowly, "Well, now I am worried, McKay."

Rodney ignored him and typed a few more commands. He suddenly stepped forwards and his shocked cry was lost in the whooshing sound as a white light came from the podium and enveloped him. It quickly focused on his head and chest. He crumpled down to the floor as he passed out.

Rodney woke up and groaned. Something was jabbing into the small of his back and he opened his eyes and rolled over to ease the bruise he was sure he had there. He glanced up and saw bright sunlight shining through the gaps in the leafy canopy above him.

He reached up to tap his radio, something pulled on his shoulder and he frowned when he discovered his headset was missing. He tried to hit the main radio in his tac vest, but his hand only slapped the thin material covering him. He glanced down at himself in panic and saw that he was wearing a green tunic and matching shorts. He frowned at the brown boots and raised his eyebrows when he saw that he was also wearing green tights.

"What the hell?" He ground out in anger. "First I pass out and now I'm stripped and changed into this get up. What kind of a planet is this? I thought it was uninhabited."

He jumped when a loud call cut through the trees from a short distance away. "Rodney!"

He quickly stood up and patted himself down for weaponry. He did not find any, but it felt like there was something across his back and slung over his shoulders. He pulled off a bent piece of wood and his mouth opened incredulously, "A bow?! How am I supposed to defend myself with this thing."

There was also a quiver of arrows on his back and he pulled one out and nocked it to the string experimentally. He lifted it up and tried in vain to shoot an arrow at a nearby tree. The arrow fell down and landed at his feet as it slipped from his grip and the bowstring twanged and hit his arm. He sucked in a breath and said miserably, "That's definitely going to bruise."

"Rodney!"

The call came again and he flinched and tensed up. He walked through the thick undergrowth so that he could hide and felt something in his boot. He put the bow on his back again with the string over his chest and crouched down. He found a small knife in his boot and drew it out. His hand shook as he straightened up with the small blade ready.

He grumbled, "Better than nothing, but no good if they've got a gun or their own bow and they know what they're doing."

He trotted behind a large tree and pressed his back to it while he waited.

"Rodney? Oh, there you are. Come on. She needs your help. It's no good running away like that."

Rodney frowned and came out from the tree to face the man who had been tracking him. "Sheppard?"

John smiled and seemed at ease in his brown outfit. He had been spared the tights, but he also had a bow and there was a flat green hat with a red feather wedged on his head. There was a short sword sheathed by his side and he approached Rodney.

McKay lowered his knife and said sincerely, "Oh, thank God! I wondered where you went. What happened in the lab and where are Teyla and Ronon?"

John cocked his head to the side in confusion. Rodney jumped when there was a load crash behind him and he had a brief glimpse of a huge amount of hair before he was drawn into a rib cracking hug.

He patted Ronon's back and whispered, "Nice to see you."

Ronon chuckled and stepped back. Rodney massaged his chest and winced, "You didn't just jump out of that tree did you?"

Ronon grinned and nodded.

"Thought so."

Teyla came next, but she approached silently and was so stealthy that Rodney saw her only a moment before she stood in front of him. Both her and Ronon were also wearing woodland colours and had bows and swords.

Rodney frowned, "What's going on? Why aren't we going back to the gate?"

"Gate?" Ronon grunted.

"Yes," Rodney turned and folded his arms over his chest, "You know. Big circle…" he gestured with his hands, "…with a tendency to lead us into all sorts of trouble in our offworld shenanigans?"

Ronon looked even more confused than John and Teyla pursed her lips. She said, "Perhaps we should focus on our current plight and you may seek this circle of yours later, Rodney."

"Current 'plight?'" Rodney asked incredulously.

John addressed Teyla and Ronon, "Seems that hit you took knocked what little sense there was out of that big brain of yours, Rodney. Maid Jennifer may have been taken by the Sheriff, but that's no excuse to turn into one of the usual village idiots we always seem to give our winnings to."

Rodney raised his eyebrows and stuttered, "Sheriff? Village idiots? Maid Jennifer's not here… unless, hmm." He paced around the rest of his team mates and crouched down to sheath the knife in his boot.

He suddenly straightened up as the others regarded him curiously. He snapped his fingers and turned to them, "Of course! Movie night! We were going to watch 'Robin Hood' tonight. I've never seen it, but I've seen pictures and obviously know the stereotypes."

He rounded on the puzzled faces and indicated each one in turn, "Friar Teyla..." She nodded and smiled. He narrowed his eyes at Ronon, "Let me guess, Little Ronon."

Ronon grunted and fiddled with a large stick he had just picked up and looked like he was itching to brain someone. McKay swallowed nervously and turned to John, "I suppose you're just John Sheppard."

"Obviously," John said slowly.

Rodney walked away from them and muttered, "It was that podium, something in the lab created this. Either they don't know who they really are as they've been taken over or I'm in a virtual reality environment. Well, I suppose exploring can help me figure this out, so I might as well play along."

He turned back to his merry men as they glared at him. He smiled and spread out his arms, "Sorry about that. Should we go and rescue Jennifer now?"

Sheppard shook his head, "Okay. The castle's close. I say we creep through the gate and break into the dungeon to get her out."

Rodney asked, "Castle? And what kind of plan is that Sheppard? We might as well run in and wave a flag saying, 'Please, kill me now!'"

Ronon chuckled and whacked Rodney's back so hard his teeth rattled and he had to swing the dislodged bow round so that it was on his shoulder again.

He mumbled, "Alright. Rescue Jennifer, complete the program or game or whatever and get out of this."

John smiled and walked away, "Okay. Let's go."

Rodney followed and said, "Does this make me Robin Hood? Shouldn't I be leading this team?"

John spun around in order to give him a brief glare, before he turned back to the front. Rodney held up his hands and widened his eyes and they continued walking.

"This is the stupidest plan you've ever come up with, Sheppard," Rodney said as they crouched behind a fruit stall in the most atypical medieval castle he had ever seen.

Buxom women and mud streaked men wandered the streets exchanging pleasantries about the weather and the best method for roof thatching. Any mutterings about taxes or the Sheriff himself were quickly silenced by the rough guards everywhere who had their faces veiled and long prodding spears in their hands.

John hissed at him to keep quiet and then suddenly ran out of the cover and into the large open door to the dungeon. He beckoned the others over and together they edged along the dimly torch lit passageway.

Rodney fingered his bow and whispered, "You do know that I can't actually fire this thing, right?"

"Shh, be silent, Rodney," Teyla said.

"But I really can't!"

An elbow in the side from Ronon next to him quieted McKay and he followed John down the steps into the dungeons.

They tiptoed around the patrolling guards and soon came to the corridor where the cells were located. John paused outside a cage with a woman inside. She had long blonde hair and was tied up.

Rodney furrowed his brow at the slumped figure beyond the bars and breathed, "Jennifer?"

The woman looked up and her hair fell away. She started to laugh.

It was not Jennifer.

Rodney felt a rough hand grabbing the back of his shirt and he was flung on his face. The bow fell out of his hand and he gritted his teeth as a boot was placed in the small of his back and quite a lot of pressure from the owner pinned him to the floor until he could hardly breathe. He gasped, "Not a game if I can still feel pain…"

The weight increased and he closed his eyes. All around there were scuffling noises as the other struggled, but the sounds quickly stopped.

A few breathless and tense seconds later, Rodney's arms were grabbed and lashed behind his back. The unrelenting pressure on his back kept him down as a dirty cloth was placed in his mouth and then another piece was tied around his head to gag him.

He tasted mud and filth and tried his best not to retch in disgust. Any such motion would only leave him choking and at worst kill him.

The weight was suddenly released and he was pulled up to his feet.

Todd the Wraith was peering back at him with a pointy toothed smile. Rodney flinched backwards with a muffled yelp and furrowed his brow in fear.

"Rodney McKay. We meet at last. Your little girlfriend was the best lure I had and you fell right into my hands."

Rodney shouted at him angrily and wrestled with the guard holding him still. Todd backhanded him in the face and the muddy taste was diluted with metal as pain exploded across Rodney's cheek from the hit. He frowned at Todd and spoke more quietly.

"I cannot hear you," Todd nodded at the guard who ungagged Rodney.

He spat out the blood and dirt onto the ground nearby and spoke, "I said, where are the others and what happened to Jennifer?"

"It is not quite as easy as that, Rodney McKay. Now that I have you, I have no use for anyone else."

Rodney grimaced, "Well then you can release them."

"I do not think so."

Rodney struggled again and the Wraith holding him drew out a small knife and rested the tip against Rodney's side.

He quietly said, "Alright, alright. What about a bargain then?"

Todd's eyes widened, "I am listening."

"You want Jennifer for yourself?"

Todd snarled and Rodney took it for a yes. The knife pressed into his side until he was sure it was drawing blood.

He winced and no longer struggled. He bluffed, "The rest of my men are hiding in the woods. They have instructions to attack if I don't return in the next hour."

The knife jabbed further into him and he gabbled, "Ahh! Honestly, the entire castle is surrounded. You won't stand a chance. Guh!"

Rodney cried out when Todd reached forwards and grabbed his throat making the knife move away from his side. He drew Rodney up until his face was right next to his own and Rodney received a very intimate view of the Wraith's black and rotten sharp teeth. Bad breath blew over his face as Todd growled, "Alright. I will let you go, but I will keep your men and your woman. If you are lying, they all die!"

The Wraith guard cut Rodney's bonds and he took his cue now that he was free. He crouched down to pretend to tie his non-existent shoelace. He quickly pulled the knife out of his boot and rolled behind Todd.

The Wraith was taken off guard as Rodney jumped upright and rested the blade against the tall alien's throat and pressed until it drew black blood.

Todd smiled as the guard tilted his head and brandished his own blade that he had just used to torment and then free Rodney.

Rodney whispered dangerously right into Todd's ear, "The deal's changed. You're going to release Jennifer and my men (with Teyla). Or I'll slit your throat. I think even the Wraith still have to breathe, so let's see your healing ability fix you before you die."

The whole impact was lessened by how uneven and trembling Rodney's voice was. Todd rolled his eyes and waved his hand at the guard, "Do it." He uttered in defeat.

The guard paused and then nodded and ran away.

Rodney guided his hostage out into the main castle courtyard and Jennifer was brought out with John, Teyla and Ronon. He smiled at them sadly and they watched him in concern.

Jennifer's hair was flowing in the wind and she was wearing a long dark pink gown. She furrowed her brow when she saw Rodney. She called out, "Thank you, Rodney."

McKay widened his eyes as they were marched out of the castle's main gate and the guards let them go. He released Todd and dropped the knife. He knew he was a dead man anyway; whether he killed Todd or not.

Guards quickly ran up to him and kicked his legs out from under him and he landed heavily. He closed his eyes and they wasted no time binding his arms and legs together and gagging him again.

Todd leered down at him with an unpleasant drooling smile and delivered a swift kick into Rodney's side.

McKay screwed his eyes closed more tightly as his arms were pulled up and he was dragged back to the dungeon where many more guards had suddenly appeared since their rescue attempt. He knew that Jennifer was free and safe and that was all he cared about. As long as she was alive he would be happy.

They undid the restraints on his hands and flung him on the floor in the cell. He rolled over onto his back and they clipped tight metal hoops around his wrists and ankles and chained him upright to the wall.

Rodney grimaced and the Wraith left him hanging there and slammed the door behind them.

He whispered frantically in the dark, "If this is just a game…" he winced and shivered, "But I can still feel pain. Maybe when we're all free it'll end and I can get out of here?"

He sighed and allowed himself to sag limply in the manacles. A sharp sting in his wrists forced him to straighten. He hoped they were not going to torture him, real or not, he did not want to experience that kind of pain. He did not think he would last very long, unlike Sheppard or Ronon or even Teyla, who could probably endure ten rounds of torture and still come out with only physical scars to show for it.

It felt like Rodney had been standing in doubt and fear for days when a quiet picking at the cell door started. He kept his silence and bit his lip while he waited for the door to swing open so that he could be carted off for a session of whatever Sheriff Todd of Nottingham had in store for him. His stifled laugh turned into an embarrassing whimper and he grimaced and trembled.

The door opened and Rodney closed his eyes and muttered, "No, no, no, no. It's not real. I'm not here. Come on. Wake up, McKay. Wake up!"

"Sure, you should wake up. We're getting you out of here."

Rodney frowned and glanced up at John standing in front of him. Ronon was already working on the manacles and soon had him free.

Teyla stood at the door and said quietly, "We must leave. The guard may awake at any moment."

Ronon grunted, "Not after that hit."

John smiled and caught Rodney as he was freed from his restraints. McKay rubbed his wrists and winced. He laid his hand on the place where Todd had kicked him and pressed experimentally. His breath left him in a whoosh and he gasped at the bruise he had just reawakened.

Ronon said, "Let's go."

They made their way out of the dungeon. Rodney limped slightly where one of the shackles had dug into his ankle. They had to pause a few times when Teyla raised her hand to halt them due to an approaching guard.

Rodney was glad the game or his mind had also made the guards as inept as he always thought they would be. They were soon sneaking through the dark streets as night had fallen while Rodney had been held captive.

They snuck out of the castle and soon had cover in the forest nearby.

Rodney stopped and panted. He clutched his throbbing side and rested his other hand on a tree.

John came over and said, "We need to keep moving, McKay."

"I know!" Rodney huffed.

John grabbed his upper arm and pulled him along. Rodney grudgingly followed and they slowed to a walk. Ronon was very noisy but no sound at all came to indicate exactly where Teyla was.

They reached a clearing and John whistled into the black canopy where moonlight was casting a glow on the scene so that they could see.

Jennifer approached and John whispered into Rodney's ear, "You're safe now. We'll make sure no-one followed."

Then the others were gone and it was just Jennifer with him.

She smiled and drew him into a hug. Rodney winced as she squeezed him tightly and pain flared from the bruise. He held her against him and she said, "Thank you for saving me, Rodney. I'm glad you got away before they did anything to you."

She moved back a little and kept her hands on his sides as she stood on tiptoes and put her lips against his. Rodney moved his hands up to hold her head and closed his eyes.

A sudden light broke through the darkness pressing in on his eyelids. He opened his eyes and blinked at the sunlight filtering down through the trees above. Jennifer had gone and John leaned into his line of sight where he was lying on the ground.

He patted Rodney's face and said, "You with us, McKay?"

"Go 'way."

There was a low chuckle behind him and he rolled onto all fours and John helped him up. He saw the building was back and Teyla was standing nearby with her eyes sweeping the forest around them.

Rodney frowned in confusion. They were all back in their offworld gear. He asked, "What happened?"

"A light from the podium decided it wanted to get to know you better," John answered. "You fell over and you whacked yourself pretty darn hard on the console."

Rodney pressed his side again and winced. He asked, "How did I get out here?"

Ronon answered, "Dragged you out."

Teyla called across to them, "For air."

John rolled his eyes, "It was a bit more scientific than that. I suggested we should get you away from the source and see if that broke the link."

"Well it did. I think I know what it is, but I want to analyse it more before I try that again."

"What?" Ronon mumbled.

"It was a game played out in my head. It tapped into what I was thinking at the moment it read my mind and then created a world based on that. It had quite a structure and clear goal to achieve and only let me wake up once it was complete."

John nudged him, "We should get back or Atlantis will be calling us."

Rodney had no reluctance to leave this time.

They wandered through the forest back to the gate. Rodney turned to John next to him and said, "I don't want to watch Robin Hood tonight after that."

John furrowed his brow and smiled, "That bad, huh?"

Rodney grimaced and nodded as he held his side again. When John fell back to follow behind him, Rodney smiled happily as he remembered Jennifer approaching him in the moonlight and all but calling him a hero before she kissed him. It may have only been his fantasy, but it had felt so real.