Post-ep for 'Safe Haven' next in my behind the screens series. This is a short one.
I own nothing, no infringement intended, no profits made.
Hotch watched Emily carefully from across the kitchen counter. She had been starring into the glass of wine he'd handed her for a good twenty minutes. If he could have chosen to take her place at the resolution of their most recent case he would have, if there was anyway to wipe it from her memory now he would gladly take it. She had declined dinner with him and Jack and admitted she felt down and didn't want to worry jack so she would come over after he went to bed. They had been virtually living together for the past few weeks so it had been a change of routine, but one that he totally understood. She and Morgan had taken into custody an adolescent who had tortured and murdered families, mostly as a result of his own lacking upbringing. The face off with him had been less disturbing than the revelations his mother had given to him and by proxy to Morgan and her. That she hated her child before he was even born and blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in her life since then.
He gently sat down beside her with a sigh of his own and took the wine glass from her hand, placing it on the table in front of them. She didn't turn to look at him but continue to stare into dead air. He reached across and took her hands in his own waiting for her to be ready to talk.
"The things she said, to her own child." she muttered.
"It's no wonder his behaviour spiralled if he overheard that." he agreed.
"She said she hated him, before he was even born. How...?" she turned to him but couldn't finish her sentence.
Hotch placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pulled her back into his embrace so they were both resting back more comfortably. He had learned that for whatever reason sometimes she felt more comfortable talking facing away from him, so long as they still had physical contact. Maybe the inability to see or read his facial expression and analyse his reaction meant she could concentrate on what she needed to say more than how he reacted to it. She lay herself down so her head was cradled in his lap and he instinctively smoothed down her hair as she lay.
"The mom may need as much help as Jeremy." he agreed.
She didn't respond to agree or disagree. He could see she was biting down on her lower lip as she did when she considered what to sayer whether to say it.
"Not good timing, considering our..em.. endeavours of late?" he suggested.
He listened to her sigh, "What is it that's got to you so much Em?"
She continued to stare ahead as she said quietly, "I just, I hope you know that I didn't hate my baby."
"What do you mean?" he asked her, trying to lean forward to see her face.
"I had an abortion. But I didn't hate that baby." she told him insistently.
"I never thought that you did." he told her.
"I just... I was fifteen Aaron. I couldn't have given him anything, sure my parents could have paid for stuff if they didn't disown me, but I couldn't be a parent." she went on.
"You don't have anything to explain Em." he whispered.
"I just... It made me wonder. Maybe I had my shot? Maybe that's it for me." she said sadly.
Hotch pulled her round to face him, "Emily if anyone I've ever met was meant to be a mom it's you. We've only been trying a couple of weeks, and in a pretty disorganised way, basically whenever we can." he felt a stab of pain watching tears slip from her eyes as she tried to fight them.
"What if I'd had that baby? Would I hate him like she did?" she asked.
Hotch shook his head emphatically, "Absolutely not. You're not capable of it Emily."
"I don't deserve another chance after what I did." she whispered.
Hotch grasped her face in his hands, "Yes you do. You were not the only one involved but you got stuck with all the responsibility. Let it go Em. If you'd had that baby you would have been the best mother you could but you wouldn't be who you are today. Who Jack and I love. Please don't wish that away."
"I don't, but I think about what I did all the time. Having an abortion changed who I am. I had to put my career first because I made that choice, now what if I'm passed too late?" the tears fell unhindered and she sat up to face away from him, unable to meet his eye.
"You were in an impossible situation Em. Thousands of women make the same choice everyday without the same reason. I'm not asking you to forget what happened but you do have to find a way through without shutting it away." he told her.
"I thought I had," she whispered, "then Matthew died and I felt like having this secret was burning a hole in me."
Hotch had never heard her speak so frankly about her experiences in Italy, it worried him that she had carried this around with her all this time but at the same time he felt glad that she trusted him enough to let it out. When they first started sleeping together she had been taking the contraceptive pill and also insisted they use condoms. He had persuaded her over six months that if they wanted to think about trying for a baby she should come off it and rely on condoms until she was ready. She had been anxious, it had taken lots of talking, and assurances and late nights before she had ditched them.
"Compartmentalising is not just the way to deal with how you feel about this." he told her, "Since that pregnancy you've been so tied up with avoiding that situation again that now when we want to plan a pregnancy you're so very anxious."
He reached again for her hand hoping she wouldn't move away, she tensed under his touch but stayed put for now, "Aaron, I'm anxious because I'm having a secret relationship with my supervisor, I'm forty, I have a high stress high risk job, and every family we see is just so damaged. Having had a backstreet abortion twenty five years ago is actually bottom of my anxiety list."
He let her torrent subside, then ventured, "You brought it up, you must want to talk about it."
She pursed her lips trying to find the right words, "I don't regret doing it." she said, "But I do regret having to do it."
He nodded his understanding, "I do know how that feels, and I'm sorry that nothing can take that away for you."
She shook her head and wiped tears from her face, "Like you said, it made me who I am. But what do you think Reid or Garcia would think of me if they knew?"
He kissed her damp cheeks, "It does change who you are, And I love who you are, and Jack loves who you are, and our baby, whenever he or she comes along, will love who you are. As for what the rest of the team would think, they know you too and respect you, and I think actually they would respect you more for coming through a bad time in your life and not letting it derail you."
She caught his lips and deepened the kiss, "Thank you." she whispered.
He sat back from her and regarded her, "Right, about that rather long list of anxieties, I can cross one off. Let's live together."
"what?" she said i surprise.
"You heard me, here, your place, somewhere thats ours. We want to start a family so we need to start feeling like one."
"You're insane." she grinned at him.
"That's why you love me."