Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers.
Warnings: Rated for mentions of sex but nothing at all graphic; also for mentions of self-injury and insanity.
A/N: Thanks so much to my beta SanctuaryObsessed.
"No. No." His finger threaded through his hair that wasn't nearly as neat as it had been when they had begun this thing, whatever it was. Tony knew what it was supposed to have been. It was supposed to be have been sex, just sex.
Loki's grip tightened on his own hair tight enough that it had to hurt, but Loki didn't seem to realize it. Tony's hand darted out to grab Loki's wrist to stop him from pulling on his hair before Tony's brain consciously made the decision. Loki started rocking again back and forth trying to squeeze his legs even closer to his chest than they already were, if that was even possible.
This was definitely not the way it was supposed to be. It was just supposed to be sex. Loki wasn't supposed to be nuts. He was certainly not supposed to care about Loki being nuts. But he did, his stupid heart seemed to be conspiring against him and for some damn reason he did care. Loki's rocking increased again and Tony's heart clenched painfully. Tony hated seeing Loki in so much pain and not having any clue what to do about it. He had tried giving him medication, he had tried giving him several different medications, but he was still technically an alien and apparently the neuro-pathways of an alien were different from their human counterparts and hadn't done diddly squat.
"Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony," Loki started saying into his knees as he rocked back and forth. Tony's heart clenched painfully again, for a moment he almost believed his arc reactor had stopped working and the pieces of shrapnel had made their way into his heart. But no the arc reactor was still there and the pain was not physical.
"Loki I'm here, I'm here," he said softly but Loki didn't hear him and kept rocking even faster than before. "It's okay I'm right here," Tony said louder, but Loki still didn't hear him and his fingers had worked their way back into his long hair that went past his shoulders. Or at least chunks of it did, other chunks were close to his scalp and the rest were varying lengths between the two. Loki didn't like having his hair that long, but Tony didn't really trust him with scissors or anything sharp due to the fact that Loki had the tendency to drive them into his skin when he thought bugs were crawling inside of him. Tony had stripped the apartment of anything remotely sharp, anything that could be even slightly used as a weapon. Loki still had his magic though and while he couldn't seem to consciously use it, when he got into a state he could make sharp objects come out of nowhere. Tony was lucky the times Loki just used it to try to give himself a haircut.
"Tony, Tony, Tony," Loki said his voice breaking. While Tony couldn't see his face he had heard that tone of voice enough to know that Loki was probably crying and it brought tears to his own eyes.
He shouldn't care. Loki was a murderer, he definitely shouldn't care about him, not the way that he did. It had started off after he and Pepper had broken up and she had started dating Coulson. Loki had shown up one day and they fought, only it had ended up in the bedroom. Tony now thought maybe he had done it in some roundabout way to get back at Pepper and Coulson and the rest of Avengers for being okay with it. Not that it really mattered anymore, the why of how it happened, just that it had.
He cared for Loki definitely more than he should. Tony put his hand on Loki's back slowly and when Loki didn't jump away from him he moved his hand in slow circles around his back, because sometimes Loki calmed down when he did so.
"Tony, Tony, Tony," he kept on saying over and over. Loki often times repeatedly said his name like he wanted him, but had no idea that he was actually there. It hurt so much to see Loki so hurt, so utterly broken and know that there was absolutely nothing that he could do about it. If he was human than Tony would at least have an idea of what to do, but he wasn't. If Loki wasn't wanted for murder he could get him help, but he was. He was wanted for murder by apparently three realms. He really knew how to pick 'em.
Loki was no longer saying his name but had devolved into sobs, big heart-wrenching sobs that made him feel like a horrible person for just standing there and not being able to fix it. If Tony touched him suddenly or generally more than he was doing now Loki would freak out. The way that they used to touch was completely off the table now.
Tony winced slightly as he made a wider circle than usual and he went over Loki's spine, which was prominent in his folded position due to the fact that Loki hadn't eaten anything in months. Tony had tried to get Loki to eat, but nothing he said would change Loki's mind. Loki was paranoid and thought all food was poisoned. No amount of insisting it wasn't, even when Loki had recognized him Tony couldn't make him eat since Loki was so convinced that his food was being poisoned.
He was so in over his head.
"It hurts. It hurts." Loki sobbed and pulled up his sleeves to show the plethora of scars on his pale arms. Loki started scratching at his arms with vigor before Tony grabbed them with his own. Tony made a mental note to cut Loki's fingernails again since they were long enough so that Loki could draw blood with them, even it was only a tiny stream.
The fact that he was able to overpower Loki was the real testament to how weak Loki was. Tony tried to be there, there being the apartment he had paid for Loki to be in, as much as he could. But he wasn't able to be there all the time and due to Loki unwillingness to eat and his tendency to hurt himself Loki was weak. Tony worried that one day he'd come over and find Loki dead, or so far gone that he might as well be dead.
But it wasn't like he had many choices to choose from. He only really had two choices. The first one was the one that currently choosing. That choice was to try to help him as much as possible and hope that Loki got better. It wasn't working.
His other choice was to give him up to the Asgardians, because they were the only people who knew enough about his physiology and they might be able to fix him. There were several problems though with that route though. One of them was that they might not help him. They might just put him back in prison and Tony would rather Loki be here than in some prison where Loki would probably actually succeed in killing himself.
There were also a few more personal problems. If he turned Loki he would have to admit that he had known where he had been, maybe even admit that he had been paying for his apartment for quite a while. That would put him in deep trouble both with SHIELD and all the other Avengers who would never understand how Tony could care for Loki. Would never understand why he had protected him. Why he cared for him. If he turned Loki over the Asgardians he would lose his friends and lose Loki himself, because he thought that if he did turn him over that he might never see him again and that thought was almost too much to bear. Tony cared about Loki more than he wanted to and definitely more than he ought to, but he couldn't seem to stop. So he kept Loki here and tried to keep him safe even if he knew he was doing a terrible job of it.
"Help me. Help me." Loki sobbed and Tony's heart ached again, he wished he could help him, but it seemed he was damned in whatever he chose. "No, no. no." Loki said softly and starting scratching as his arms again and Tony grabbed his hands. He hated watching Loki, he seemed to be getting worse every day. He was nothing like the man who had tried to rule the earth. In fact this Loki had little in common with the Loki that had tried to take over earth, except for the fact they were both crazy; only they were different kinds of crazy. That Loki had been power-hungry and this one, well this one looked to be a hairs breath away from death.
There was one more problem that preventing Tony from turning in Loki to people who could help him, one that he didn't really like to think about because it was purely selfish. Tony had started to care for Loki about the same time that Loki had started going crazy. He cared about Loki the way he was now and he liked to take care of him. Loki had allowed him to take care of him as he was, and he was unsure if Loki would if he ever got over it. He liked that Loki needed him so much, he liked being needed.
Tony closed his eyes, he hated that about himself, he hated that it was part of the reason that he hadn't tried to help Loki yet, because he was afraid of Loki losing his need for him. There was also the fact that he wasn't sure that Loki would care about him if he wasn't crazy.
He hated this, he hated being there but at the same time he craved it, craved Loki, craved the fact that he needed him. He hated himself sometimes for needing this so badly, for not helping Loki, for caring about Loki at all. This was not any way shape or form a normal healthy relationship because neither of them was normal and healthy. Loki was bonkers and he was definitely no post boy for normal either.
Loki's small frame shook and he continued saying 'no' over and over again while he sobbed. He felt like he was a terrible person for keeping him there. For not getting him help, even if he wasn't sure even if he gave him to the Asgardians they would help him. Still it was his only chance at being cured, another part of his brain reminded him. Of being healthy. Tony cared so much about Loki even though he knew that he shouldn't, even though part of it was centered in selfishness there was another part of it that wasn't, that was centered on his feelings for Loki. On how much he cared about him, on how much he hated to see him hurt himself again and again and not being able to do anything about it. The side of him that wanted to get Loki help. The two sides of him were often at war.
Loki managed to cry himself to sleep, again. This was how most of the time they spent together now. Tony was now allowed to touch him more as long as it was lightly. He pulled Loki slowly into a laying position because he didn't want Loki to sleep in the position he was in now because he would hurt in the morning and Tony wouldn't be there to soothe him. He looked more innocent and less scared in his sleep; he looked like a total stranger. Nothing like he was now, nothing like the crazy man that he had come to rule earth. Tony brushed his face lightly, Loki was so pale he had always been pale but he was even paler than he had been before.
Loki needed help, more help than he could give him, but he hated the notion of him being away. Besides there was no guarantee that the Asgardians would help him and wouldn't just kill him for escaping and evading capture. Still he was aware that Loki was getting worse and it was very possible that he'd do that to himself. In fact if he was being perfectly honest with himself he knew that even though Loki was above human in his capacity to live beyond what a human could, he doubted even Loki could live much longer if nothing changed. He knew what Loki needed, he had known for a while, but he hated thinking it much less actually doing it. Still Loki wasn't going to get any better until he did what he needed to do. Why did it have to be so hard though?
Tony sighed and ran his finger along Loki's tight chin. Loki needed help and Tony had to stop being selfish and put Loki's needs over his own, even if it sucked and it was just about the last thing that he wanted to do. It wasn't even about being heroic, it was because Tony cared about him too much to see him suffer anymore. He had to give Loki a chance to get better even if it meant that Tony might never see him again.
"Loki, I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. You need someone who can actually help you...and that's not me." Tony said slowly tears gathering in his eyes. He wasn't supposed to care about Loki, this much it was just supposed to be sex, but it wasn't just sex anymore and it hadn't been in a long time. Tony tears fell down his cheeks silently and he did nothing to stop them. He was going to do something he knew he should have done a while ago, but he hadn't been able to give Loki up, even if it was best for him.
He gently stroked Loki's face one more time before gently getting up trying not to disturb Loki. He looked down at Loki's skinny body. If he did this then he was probably never going to see him again. For the rest of his life, he'd probably be wondering how Loki was. Whether or not he still cared for him and a whole bunch of other stuff. Still at least he would know that he had done his best for Loki. Tony sighed and made his way out of the place.
Tony walked back into the tower and stood in the kitchen as he saw the Avengers eat dinner together. Apparently, Steve had decided to make dinner for all of them today. Tony looked down at his plate and saw that it still mostly looked like it had when Steve had given it to him. He wasn't hungry, he was nervous and anxious. He knew what he needed to do, but that didn't make saying the words any easier, or make it hurt any less.
"Tony," Thor said and Tony looked his way. Thor used to call him man of iron for a while before he managed to get Thor to call him Tony. "Are you alright?" he asked. No. He wasn't, he wasn't in the least alright, but it wasn't like he could- actually Thor was probably the person he should tell. Thor would get Loki to Asgard safely and if anyone were going to protect Loki it would probably be Thor. Thor pretended like he had given up on his brother, but even when they had fought before Loki had gone crazy, well crazier, he had always held back a little. At the time, it had frustrated him, but now he was glad because he hoped that meant that Thor would protect him as much as he could.
"Thor I need to talk to you," Tony said quietly, which was strange because the inside of Tony's head was not in any way quiet. This was the right thing, even if there were several different parts of his head that were panicked and telling him different. If he did this he was probably never going to see Loki again. If he did this he was going to lose everything.
"Okay," Thor said and stood up from the table. Tony blinked as he realized that every single eye was on him and Thor. He wanted to say something like don't worry it's no big deal, but he doubted that once they knew cause, he doubted Thor would keep it to himself, that they would feel the same way. Thor would probably still be his friend, but the rest... especially Clint and Natasha they probably wouldn't be. They wouldn't care that Loki had gone insane. All they would hear was that Tony had slept with Loki numerous times and then Loki just happened to go insane. Tony led the way to his workshop because it was the only place that he could be sure that he couldn't be overheard...that and there was a mini bar that might help him lessen up enough to actually say the words that he knew he needed to say, but dreaded to say at the same time.
One thing about walking with Thor was that you never had to look behind you to make sure that he was following you. You could hear his footsteps thundering behind you. He was sure that Thor rarely ever snuck up on anyone, at least from the ground; the sky was another thing entirely. They made their way into the elevator and Tony avoided any eye contact with Thor as they made their way up floor by. It was a good thing his elevator was so fast or it would have been an ever longer, awkward, silence.
The door opened and Tony walked to the door of his lab where he used various security measures to get in. He held open the door for Thor who bounded in and then Tony closed it. He kept his grip on the doorknob for a few moments more though trying to gather his thoughts.
"Thor I need your help," he finally said, letting go of the door knob and turning towards Thor who looked at him confused.
"Alright. With what?" he said readily, like he had total faith that whatever it was he would be able to do it even though he had no clue what it was yet. Tony bit his lip he was more nervous than when he was in his board room talking to shareholders, actually that didn't make him nervous. He was more nervous than when he was fighting, Actually, he couldn't remember the last time that he was this nervous.
"Thor what do you know about your brother's whereabouts?" In the beginning Loki had never called Thor brother and any time that Tony had tried to call Thor his brother Loki had usually punched him; the beginning of their relationship had been kind of violent. Loki however had more than once cried for Thor after his mind had started going.
"I haven't heard about him in months," Thor said sounding angry but at the same time sad. Tony nodded and reminded himself of who he was, he was billionaire playboy, not a boy asking a girl out to prom.
"I'm curious what exactly would happen if you were to find him?" Tony said. Thor frowned at the question but answered it anyway.
"I would take back to Asgard where he would be sentenced again for his crimes again. This time with the added crime of not returning to his cell and everything he had done to the Midgardian since then." Tony nodded he had thought as much.
"What kind of sentence do you think that would get him?" Tony asked wondering if there was any possibly of Loki being free before the end of his life.
"Honestly the rest of his natural life most likely, and that is if my father does not kill him. He didn't before because of his mother but my mother is gone now." That wasn't good. Giving him back to Asgard could mean a death sentence and one that he would have to brave alone. If Loki was going to die anyway wasn't it better if he died in his arms, with the two of them together? But what if they could help him? Loki would probably rather be sane and live the rest of his life in prison than be insane and live a few more months here. Even if Loki were to die in Asgard surely they would fix his mind first? He didn't know. The Asgardians were a hard bunch of people to figure out. In some ways, they seemed extremely lenient and in other ways they seemed extremely harsh. You never knew which side of Asgard you were going to get with them.
"Do you really think he would?" Tony asked earnestly. Thor stared at him for a long moment, but he shook his head.
"Loki is beyond reason, but I won't let father take his life." Tony smiled weakly. He had been right to come there, to talk to Thor. He had to hope that Thor would protect him.
This sucked, this really and truly sucked, but it was the right thing to do. Right? It felt like it. He had to hope that he was right. He had to hope that this was the best thing for Loki.
"Thor there's something I have to tell you." Tony spit out and Thor looked at him waiting for whatever he was about to say next. Tony briefly had the image of Thor punching him for sleeping with his brother run through his head, he hoped that that wasn't a premonition.
"Yes Tony," Thor said, when Tony didn't start talking right away.
"Um..." Tony started out so very not eloquently, so very not like him at all.
"I know where Loki is." Tony spit out and then winced at how that sounded. Thor's face changed immediately to worried, but at the same time angry. It was how Thor usually looked when his brother was brought up.
"You do?" Thor asked slowly. No matter what some people him at one time thought of Thor he wasn't a complete idiot; he knew that there was something up with his statement. "Why would you keep this from me? Why would you keep this from our friends?" Tony nodded, no Thor was not the complete idiot that Loki had claimed him to be before he had gone insane. Tony opened his mouth to answer Thor's question only to stop himself. If he said what he wanted to without showing Thor Loki he couldn't image any reaction that wouldn't be loud enough to call the entire tower to them, thus spilling his secret to everyone all at once. Even though he knew that to get Loki help meant exposing his relationship with the villain, he didn't want to do it all at once.
"Come with me," Tony said instead and started walking out of the room. He hoped that Thor would follow him, that would make things a lot easier. He didn't hear any footsteps at first, in fact, it took him the time that it took him to walk slowly to the door before Tony heard any shifting at all from behind him. Tony shifted slightly as he opened the door to make sure that Thor was still following him and he occasionally checked as he made his way down to his personal car that Thor big muscled body was still behind him.
The ride was silent. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of car's motor running and since he had taken part in the build of it, it didn't make much sound at all. Thor kept looking at him like if he stared him down long enough Tony would just tell him the truth; even though what was actually happening was that Tony was completely ignoring Thor's gaze and general direction.
When the car finally stopped Tony tore out of there, even though he knew they were going out of the frying pan and into the fryer. At least whatever happened wouldn't be in such an enclosed space. Tony had just finished his thought about enclose spaces when the elevator doors opened and he grimaced even more. Enclosed spaces, and this one seemed even more enclosed.
The ride up in the elevator seemed somehow even more intense with Thor trying to catch his eye and Tony doing everything he possibly could to avoid his gaze. The cold steel walls were not helping in the slightest. A few moments later with Tony and Thor staring down the door that Loki was on the other side he didn't feel any better, because now he was worried that Thor would punch him or kill him for not getting help earlier.
"You have to understand he wasn't like this at first. It kind of crept up...slowly...I didn't notice at first," Tony said feeling a little guilty, but if one just paid attention to his tone they would probably wouldn't catch it. He was good at hiding things when he wanted to.
"Tony what is going on?" Thor asked right out. Tony swallowed but not about Thor anymore but about Loki. It was always a bit of a gamble which Loki he was going to get; crying Loki or the Loki that was trying injure himself. Tony unlocked the door and made his way into the bedroom where Loki spent most of his time. He saw Loki holding his skinny knees tightly with his entirely too thin hands and his head pressed into them rocking again, muttering things under his breath that he couldn't understand.
"Loki." Thor breathed and Tony started slightly, for a moment he had forgotten that he had brought Thor.
"Loki," Thor said again only this time he could hear the pain, and distress that Thor was feeling in his voice. They were brothers first and foremost. Even though Loki had insisted that they weren't at first he had also asked several times for him.
"How long has he been like this?" Thor's voice came again sounding even more devastated than it had before. How that was possible he wasn't sure but Thor managed it. Tony blinked trying to remember back when this all had started, but couldn't seem to come up with anything solid.
"I don't know for a while," he added after a short pause. Thor's footsteps were coming towards him and Tony wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad. No one had interacted with Loki but him in months. How would Loki react to his brother even though he had called for him several times? Thor quickly passed him only to stop when he was still a few feet from Loki, his hand in mid-air like it had intended to touch Loki's shoulder but was frozen where it was. Thor's hand stayed there frozen for another few moments before he slowly lowered it down on Loki's shoulders. Loki reacted by starting to sob into his knees. Tony hated watching Loki go through this, this was why he had sought Thor's help. Only Thor at the moment didn't seem to know anything more about what should happen next or what to do with Loki than he did. In fact he was staring at his own hand like it was made out of spiders, he slowly moved it away from Loki's shoulder and back to his side.
Instead, Thor made his way onto the bed and gathered Loki up in his arms even though Loki protested he wasn't able to put up much of a fight because he was too weak especially compare to Thor. Loki's eyes stared at the ceiling for a long moment before making brief contact with Thor's eyes and then went back to the ceiling a moment later.
"He hates me," Loki said in barely a whisper.
"Who Loki?" Tony asked, even though most of the time he asked Loki to clarify he usually didn't answer in any kind of way that made sense.
"The sun," Loki answered. Okay then, another nonsense answer it was.
"Loki," Thor said again as he held Loki in his arms. Loki was so thin, so very thin, the change in position with Loki lying in Thor's lap made it even more noticeable. "What has happened to you brother?" he said his voice sounding muffled. Tony looked up from Loki to see Thor's face, his eyes were misting.
"The sun," Loki said again his eyes gazing at the ceiling in the unfocused way that gave him chills.
"Loki," Thor's voice said this time broken.
"Loki I'm sorry that I have not been here for you," he said, his voice full of guilt, even though that hadn't been his fault. But Tony wasn't going to interrupt him to remind Thor that it was his. Not while Thor's hammer was still in the car where Tony had made him leave in fear of what he would do when he saw his brother. The last thing Loki needed at the moment was an appointment with Mjolnir's business end.
"Loki please look at me." Thor pleaded with his younger brother. Tony knew first hand how frustrating it could be. Loki often called for him even when he held him.
"You'll help him won't you?" Tony asked, no pleaded. "I mean if he goes with you, your people can make him better right?" He had to, that was the whole reason he had let Thor know about his brother, after all, to help him; not to throw him in the deepest pit in Asgard. Thor looked up from Loki at him for a long moment without speaking. Tony hated it, but he forced himself not to break the silence he wanted to.
"You care for him?" Tony nodded. There was no use in lying now, even to himself. Thor stared at him for several more moment before nodding solemnly.
"I will do my best, but it might not be enough," he said just as solemnly. Tony nodded his understanding. It was really all he could ask for.
"I must take him now." Tony mouth opened he wanted to protest, he hadn't said goodbye yet.
"It's okay," Thor said before he could speak "I understand you'll want to say goodbye. I'll give you a minute," he said gently sliding Loki from his arm back onto the bed and make his way out of the room to give them some privacy. Tony took Thor's place and put his hand on Loki's check lightly caressing it. He didn't know if he was ever going to be able to do it again. To touch Loki again, but he was doing the right thing wasn't he? He hoped so he bent down and kissed Loki's forehead lightly before straightening out again.
"Loki it is okay, you'll be okay. Thor's going to make you all better," he said and he hoped that was really was going to be the case, that he wasn't going to lose Loki for nothing. "I'll see you later," he said and he hoped that wasn't a lie. "I...I really c- I love you Loki," he admitted to both himself and Loki for the first time. "Please get better," he said running his finger over Loki's face again.
"The sun," Loki said in the same voice. Tony took a deep calming breath then nodded.
"Thor he's ready," he said, even though he meant that Tony was as ready as he was going to be. He heard steps come back into the room but didn't look at Thor, he kept his gaze on Loki. He ran his finger over Loki's face a little more before forcing himself to remove his hand. As soon as he did so Thor scooped Loki up from the bed with ease. Tony stopped himself from doing what he suddenly wanted to do which was tackle Thor to the ground to keep Loki with him. He watched as Thor made his way out of the room when he wanted to run after him. As Thor disappeared beyond the doorway Tony found himself unable to keep himself together anymore. He collapsed on the bed which an extreme bad idea because it smelled of Loki. Tony curled into himself and started to cry.
Loki was gone or would be soon, and he might never see him again. He had to hope that he had done the right thing for Loki and that he'd see him again before the end of his lifetime. No matter how unlikely that seemed.
Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it if you did or didn't please let me know you're thoughts and review