MOMENTARILY
A/N
I really thought I had managed to leave McLeod's Daughters behind but this story has been sitting in my mind for years now, begging to be written. So one day I sat down and this is the result. To me Claire McLeod was the first fictional character I truly admired. I was twelve when I first encountered her and incredibly impressionable. She was the one constant in the series, this brilliant and headstrong character so I was absolutely devastated when Lisa Chappell left the show. This is my attempt to right that.
In this story Claire survived the accident as she managed to step on the brakes before the car could plummet into the ravine. Instead the sisters return to Drovers Run, thoroughly shocked but life still goes on. This story examines in glimpses what I imagine might have happened if Claire hadn't died.
This chapter takes place in 'My Noon, My Midnight'.
I apologise for any typos.
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Channel Nine and Posie Graeme-Evans.
Pairings: Claire/Alex, Nick/Tess
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I: CEASE TO BEGIN
And I was so lonely
I didn't see
It's like living in a movie
Twisting the plot
the little things I've got
I've got.
And my thoughts drift to you
- Band of Horses
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That little block of land, a speck on a map had been the centre of her entire life for as long as she could remember. People had come and gone, some more enduring than others, but in the end that place was the one constant factor of her existence. Days came and went, years, decades
She instinctively pulled over at the side of the dusty road, a road she had travelled so many times but nothing could ever compare to the feeling of returning home. Without hesitation she got out of the ute and breathed in the air of home. The smell of dust and dry vegetation lingered in the air and it comforted her immediately.
From this exact spot she could make out every detail of her beloved property. Just there, behind a few trees, it sat, nestled in a small valley. The homestead wasn't large by any means but it meant absolutely everything to her. For generations it had housed her ancestors and formed her heritage. And it would be the home of many generations to come.
It was from this exact spot that Jack McLeod had taught her to love this piece of land. This is your home, he'd told her when she was just a little girl, and it's your job to protect it and its people.
Its people were many now and she loved them all greatly.
'Claire?' her sister spoke from behind and Claire turned. Tess, too, had gotten out of the ute but never dared leave its side. Although she looked relatively composed and unharmed, just a small wound across her eyebrow, the shock was evident in her eyes and her restlessness.
Their lives had been endangered. If she hadn't stepped on the brakes in time she might not have lived to see Drovers again. To raise Charlotte.
Alex.
With a final glance at their home she spun around and trudged back to the old, battered vehicle. In many ways it was representative of all things that surrounded life on Drovers Run and ultimately herself. Over the years the place had seen some rough times but astoundingly they managed.
They would manage this time as well.
However the look on Tess' face wasn't entirely assuring. The guilt she had tried to push aside resurfaced when she noticed how her sister struggled to regain her composure. She was so unlike the bubbly self she had been just a while before, the joy of someone who'd been told death was not reaching out to her.
Then the brumby had crossed the road.
A dark shadow passed over Claire's face, guilt weighing down on her already grave face. Tess sensed this immediately.
People of the bush may not speak openly of their feelings but her years amongst them - she now considered herself to be one of them – had taught her one or two things. Emotions could be read in someone's face. Especially when it came to her sister.
'You alright?' Tess asked, pushing her own worries aside for the moment.
'I'm fine. Just glad to be home', Claire replied as a small smile formed on her lips. Gently she looked at the sleeping form of her beautiful daughter. The traumatising event had barely roused her from her slumber and although she had fuzzed a bit after the accident, Charlotte had fallen asleep again.
'Me, too,' Tess added thoughtfully as she admired the view of Drovers. She, too, belonged here now.
'Tess, we can't tell anyone.'
'Claire-'
'No.' Her words were final, decisive. 'I don't want Alex to worry unnecessarily. We're fine, BOM's fine.' Tess sighed heavily but knew the argument was over.
Claire heaved a sigh and then said: 'We're still here.'
And they were.
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He was waiting for them. Maybe he'd seen the car or perhaps it was a gut feeling.
Although that sounded more like Tess' way of thinking Claire would prefer the latter.
The ute had barely come to a halt when he opened the door swiftly and eagerly pulled her into his arms. Gladly she responded to his kiss, unable to conceal her happiness at finally being with him again.
'Took you long enough,' he grinned down at her, impatience evident in his eyes.
Because of her they could have been a lot longer. If she hadn't hit the brakes in time.
'Bit of engine trouble, nothing serious. Oh, and Tess wanted to get her nails done'. Claire cast a quick glance at her sister. Tess looked weighed down by the secret they now shared.
Quickly she broke free of Alex' embrace, surprising him slightly.
'Get BOM will ya?' She asked, patted him lightly on the chest and then made her way to Tess' side instead. He instantly noticed a slightl limp to her gait although she was trying to conceal it.
Alex shook his head and then looked at the baby girl, who was still in the Ute. Charlotte was fully awake now but just lay there staring with her head tilted lightly to one side. Who could resist such a face?
He reached in and unbuckled her before gently taking the infant in his arms. She looked so tiny there and so fragile. But he would do absolutely anything for this little bundle of joy.
'Your mum's mad, Charlotte, mad,' he commented as he watched the two sisters walk away, arm in arm and completely oblivious to their surroundings. He knew how co-dependent they were, though Claire would deny it, but throughout Tess' cancer scare they had become so much closer.
'And you're just as barking,' his brother's voice came from behind. Alex looked up to see Nick approaching with a smirk on his face.
'Get away will ya!' He then looked back at Charlotte. 'Don't listen to your Uncle Nick, eh BOM.'
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A while later the small crowd was scattered about the tennis court, champagne flutes in hand and chatting away animatedly. The two McLeod sisters stood together a bit away from the others whispering in hushed voices. Enviously Alex looked on from a corner where he was standing on his own, the ever comforting beer in hand.
He had passed Charlotte over to Meg who was now busying herself with the infant. As much as he loved the little girl he mainly felt like sulking. It was fantastic, of course, that Tess' cancer scare had turned out to be nothing and as much as he wanted to celebrate that, he also wanted to celebrate the fact that he'd found the woman to settle down with.
And at the moment she was withdrawing from him. Hopefully she wasn't having second thoughts - she was well acquainted with his history with women after all.
'You still haven't figured out how to pop the question, have you?' Nick asked as he walked up to his big brother. He held onto two beers but immediately passed one to Alex who had just finished the other.
'Haven't had the chance. She hasn't left Tess' side since they came back.'
'Do you think something happened?'
'She only mentioned engine problems. And something about a pedicure.' He brought the beer to his lips and took one large gulp. The slightly carbonated taste filled his mouth then evaporated and was followed by a slight bitterness. A flavour he savoured.
'Sounds like Tess,' Nick commented before following his brother's example. He took a swig of the drink. 'But we've all seen Tess' forehead'.
'And Claire's limping'.
They clinked their bottles and then drank together in silence. Sometimes silence was the best conversations between the two Ryan brothers. Despite their occasional disputes they understood each other.
A loud ringing suddenly filled the air and everyone turned their attention to the source. Tess stood, slightly flushed, with a knife and a glass in her hands.
'Hey everyone! I just wanted to say a few words. Thank you.' She began as a small smile emerged. 'I know I've been a bit of a burden lately so thank you for stepping up and being there. I really appreciate it.'
'What? No thanks for doing your chores?' Jodi added with a shrug of her shoulders only to earn a reprimanding 'Jodi!' from Meg and a laugh from the rest of the crowd.
Out of the corner of his eye Alex noticed Nick nodding approvingly at Tess. Something unsaid passed between them, so briefly it was barely noticeable.
It was then he finally spotted Claire moving away from Tess after giving her a hug. But instead of approaching him she walked straight over to Meg and reached for her daughter.
Brilliant. He was jealous of a baby.
With Charlotte securely in her arms Claire departed the scene of the party and set her course for the ancient homestead.
Which was his home, too now. Alex placed the beer on a nearby table and made to follow Claire. He figured they ought to talk – she owed him some sort of explanation to her behaviour.
When he finally made it inside Claire was already upstairs. For a moment he lingered on the foot of the staircase, unsure of what his next move should be. Confront her directly? Their history was clear evidence that Claire McLeod did not operate that way. Neither did he for that matter.
Neither did they talk about feelings, really.
He sighed deeply, preparing himself for the worst and then climbed the stairs two at a time. Once on the landing he could hear Claire's sweet cooing voice, a voice she only used when around Charlotte.
Or a horse.
And there he went again – jealous of her daughter and her horses.
Silently he entered the nursery where Claire was readying her daughter for bed.
'Who's a good girl, eh? You are, yes you are' she cooed before placing a gentle kiss of the baby's forehead.
'Claire?'
She looked up, surprised, but smiled warmly at him nonetheless. It settled his nerves ever so slightly.
'She's perfect, isn't she?'
'Yeah.' He could do nothing but agree with her. After all Charlotte was her mother's daughter and had had him wrapped around her little finger from the moment she was born.
'Listen Claire. I…'
'I think I'm gonna hit the hay. See you in the morning' she murmured.
'Morning… What?' It took Alex a while to realise what she'd just said. 'Claire, I live here too, remember?'
She frowned slightly as if the information was new to her. Then clarity reached her eyes and she giggled briefly. It was a sweet sound.
'Sorry. It's been a long day. Come 'ere you'. She reached up and stroked his cheek, then let her hand wander to his neck before pulling him down for a soft kiss.
'Coming to bed then?'
Alex nodded. 'I'll just go tell the others.
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Tonight just wasn't his night. Nick watched his brother slowly make his way back to the small party, head downcast. Partly he expected Alex to say he was moving back to Wilgul but in his heart he just could not believe Claire would say no to Alex.
As Tess had said – the two were made for each other.
'' You alright mate?'
'Yeah yeah. Claire's beat so we'll call it a night.'
'But what about-?'
'What about what?'
With an imploring look Nick begged Alex to understand, expected him to. And then - His eyes visibly widened as comprehension settled in.
'Bugger!' and then he shot off.
Evidently his initial plan to pop the question had been forgotten, perhaps out of worry.
Nick shook his head and laughed to himself. Alex was and always would be Alex. Earlier in the evening they'd discussed various ways for Alex to do it but neither Nick nor Alex had envisioned this scenario. To surprise her – that was the plan – it appeared he had surprised himself.
He heard her footsteps before her voice so he knew whom to expect.
'What was that all about?' her voice was laden with curiosity. But then again who could blame her?
Nick turned to her and smiled. Truly, she looked very lovely, her face radiant as she gazed up at him inquisitively. It almost made him spill the beans yet loyalty prevented him from doing to.
'You'll know in the morning,' he replied. The answer may have sounded slightly more dismissive than intended. 'It's getting late anyway, I should probably head back.'
'I'll walk you to the car'.
They walked side by side for a while in silence. It was a pleasurable silence, though. The crunching gravel underneath their feet quenched the silence. Automatically he adjusted his long strides to match her much shorter steps, something that came to him like second nature.
All too soon his beloved red Ute came into view and both knew they night had to come to an end.
If they let it, that is.
Simultaneously they spoke up; he said her name, she said his and then that awkward silence naturally followed.
He wanted to say something, he really did, because when it came to the two of them there were so many things left unsaid. Yet he could not find the words.
'Thank you, Nick. For everything.' Her hesitant and apprehensive voice broke the silence and he could breathe a sigh of relief. Those few words conveyed much more and they were both aware of it.
'Anytime.' And he meant it; for her, anything. The sincerity to his words was evident and she sensed it immediately.
'See that's just it, isn't it? You're too kind for your own good, always forgiving.'
'Tess!'
'Even when I'm interfering cow, you forgive me.'
'I shouldn't have called you that.' He still regretted that moment; after all she had just been looking out for him. Although, occasionally, she did have a tendency to speak her mind a little too openly.
'But you were right, though. I shouldn't have interfered and I'm sorry.'
'It's okay.'
'No, Nick, it's not. I didn't see what was right in front of me. I was an idiot. I'm sorry.'
With that she turned to leave, believing all had been said. Without any second thoughts he grabbed her hand thus forcing her to stay.
'Good thing I'm an idiot too then.'
'What?'
He knew her history, knew her trepidation towards intimacy but after everything they'd been through and everything she'd experienced lately, Nick could only imagine one conceivable solution.
And so he kissed her. It was merely a light touch of his lips on hers, feather light but it conveyed what words could not. Just as he was about to pull away a tentative hand came up to rest at the nape of his neck, pulling him back in place.
There were no fireworks; no loud fanfare of trumpets and violins instead there was only Tess and Nick and finally things made sense.
The kiss was brief but searing, fleeting but sealing of their future. They made sense.
Nick watched her nervously but the smile she granted him assured his tumultuous mind.
'You could stay, you know. No funny business, but I could do with the company.'
He grabbed her hand and led the way inside the homestead.
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The bedroom door stood as if it was standing guard; firmly shut which gave the impression of an impenetrable fortress. Ordinarily a door would pose as no hindrance but right now it frightened him slightly. Perhaps she was already asleep?
Reason told him she couldn't possibly be seeing as it had only been mere minutes since they last spoke.
After another brief moment of steadying his nerves, Alex gently pushed open the door to what was now their bedroom. Claire was sitting in the armchair in the corner, a notebook in hand. Always working, she was.
He breathed in deeply before stepping across the threshold with one final fervent plea that things would go over well. He knew she had never been keen on marriage, on becoming dependant on anyone but his firm belief in them pushed him onwards.
'Claire, we need to talk. There's something I've been meaning to ask you.' Alex spoke frankly. Nervousness peaked; his stomach did a flip as she looked up at him with curiosity.
'Mm?' A sweet smile settled on her lips which encouraged him slightly. With a sideway glance he noticed the ring still sitting on the pillow, nestled in the velvet casing. Perhaps, he wondered, she hadn't actually noticed it yet.
His final resolve set, Alex stepped properly into the room and approached Claire. Ordinary was certainly not the way to describe their relationship, even before it evolved and became something more.
So perhaps the great romantic gesture was unfit.
Coming to a halt in front of her he knelt down and looked directly into her eyes.
'You know I love you, right?' He spoke genuinely. For the briefest moment her face contorted in surprise at his earnest declaration. Shortly thereafter, though, the smile returned to her face and a sparkle ignited in her eyes.
'More than the chopper?'
'What?' Sentiment may not have been Claire's strong suit but her response threw him off track.
'Never mind,' she laughed gently. It took Alex a while to recompose himself but steadily he managed to throw caution to the wind and reclaim the reins.
'Because I do and I love Charlotte, even if her father's a knob. I'd do anything for her – and you. And Tess, Jodi, Meg, Jack and Alex Jr.'
'Jack and Alex Jr.?' She smiled, still not able to comprehend where his ramble was going.
'Mm. Twin boys and then another girl.'
'Alex…'
'Claire, I've always admired you for your courage and passion and…' once more he felt himself lose track of what he way attempting to convey.
'Shut up Alex' Mouth agape, he looked at her. The mischievous sparkle in her eye that had been there mere moments before had been replaced with an intense gaze that held his firmly. All coherent thoughts ceased to exist; he could only focus on the woman in front of him.
'Will you marry me?' Claire asked in a voice that bore absolutely no trace of hesitation.
'What?' It was the only word that his mind was able to conjure up in this strange situation.
'Will you marry me?' She repeated firmly and with conviction.
Gradually comprehension filtered through his clouded mind and realisation steadily dawned on him. Once more Claire McLeod had proved to be the quick witted of the two and beat him to it.
Still unable to phrase anything properly Alex resolved to pointing to the bed. Finally Claire removed her attention from the man kneeling in front of her and cast a quick glance in the direction he pointed.
'I was gonna…' Alex finally spoke, incoherently though. Flustered and slightly dumbfounded he brought a hand to his face and rubbed it as if he was trying to rub off the confusion.
Slowly Claire stood from the chair before approaching the bed. Gingerly she picked up the velvet box and stared absorbedly at the object in her hand as if she it was going to speak itself. Then she did the most unexpectedly thing, yet so very her. Claire laughed.
Alex regarded her every movement and was slightly astounded when she easily slipped the diamond ring onto her finger, on her right hand. That struck a cord inside Alex and a sudden memory resurfaced – the engagement ring was meant to sit on a woman's left hand – or so the saleswoman had dutifully reminded him on numerous occasions.
'Guess you're stuck with me,' Claire said and then stuck out her hand for him to shake, very much in the same manner as they had shaken hands to finalise their status as proper business partners.
This, however, was so very different and much more important.
Alex suddenly became aware of the awkward situation he had somehow managed to get himself in. Certainly this was not the scenario he had originally imagined but then again there had been a time where it was entirely unfathomable that he and Claire should ever evolve beyond friendship.
Gently he imprisoned her right hand in his much larger and stilled it. Then he touched the ring that she had placed there. Suddenly he pulled it off and reached for her left hand before slipping the ring he had carefully picked out for her on the right finger. Everything that had happened in the past five minutes was beyond anything he could possibly have imagined but this one thing he wanted to do traditionally.
'I can live with that Mrs Ryan,' he said, a smile gracing his face.
One thing they got right though and Alex was pretty sure it was quite common, following a proposal. His arms slipped around her waist and he held her close for a while before leaning down and kissing her.
Claire responded to his invitation ardently so a gentle kiss quickly turned fervent. However she broke away too quickly for his liking.
'McLeod Ryan,' she emphasised her family name. 'And there's no way we're naming our son Alex Jr.' A laugh barely escaped his lips before they were claimed by one Claire McLeod.
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That night was one of little sleep and countless adventures. Although sleep deprived it was a greatly satiated Alex that awoke the following morning. Judging by the amount of light that fell through the window it was late morning.
Next to him Claire was still fast asleep but for once not on his arm. He wanted to stay in bed, maybe sleep a bit more and then kiss her awake but his rumbling stomach had the upper hand in his internal argument.
After placing a gentle kiss on her forehead he slipped from under the covers and left the room as quietly as possible. The treacherous creaky floorboard creaked loudly as he stepped on it but fortunately Claire remained in a slumber.
His original supposition that it was late morning proved to be right; the entire house lay quiet with all residents out and about in the paddocks.
Or so he thought.
Upon entering the kitchen Alex was surprised to see his little brother comfortably seated by the table, coffee cup in hand. The quirky smile on his lips told Alex what he needed to know.
'You're here early,' he commented wryly. Nick merely smirked in reply and then sipped his coffee once more.
Ignorant bugger, Alex decided and then turned to his original destination – the fridge. With his head nearly buried inside he started roaming around for the most appetising edibles only to come to one conclusion – the Drovers kitchen would have to undergo some proper restocking.
'Emptying the fridge already, Alex?' a female voice chimed in. Tess had walked in, completely unnoticed.
'No no, I was just…'
'Coffee?' Tess asked nonchalantly before she went to pour herself a cup.
'Please.' The scene that played out before him was not one he had expected. After handing Alex his cup where he was still standing by the fridge Tess, dressed in a morning robe and her hair in a disarray, went back to the table. Before taking a seat her hand came to rest on Nick's shoulder briefly.
He felt like an intruder, like someone who had accidentally walked in on a very intimate moment. However the feel of soft lips on his cheek soon broke his reverie. Claire expertly reached around him in a fluid motion and grabbed something from the fridge, which still remained open. Seemingly she had managed to sneak up on him.
'Claire, a word please?'. Tess voice called out to her sister. From the stern look on her face it was easy to discern that her keen eye had immediately spotted the diamond that now adorned the older McLeod's finger.
'Tess, Nick.' Alex noticed her slightly pleading look but Tess remained unyielding, instead she simply grabbed Claire's wrist and pulled her out of the kitchen.
Slightly amused at what he had just witnessed, Alex took a seat next to his brother.
'You and Tess, eh?'
'Yeah'
'About bloody time, mate.'
Simultaneously they raised their coffee cups and clinked them together.
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A/N
Thanks for reading! I've written the rest of the story and will upload soon.
Please review.