Title: Camping with Jane and Maura
Author: tika12001 (aka Katie)
Rating: T for now (will probably move to M later)
Disclaimer: not mine, never will be, make no money, blah blah blah. Honestly, if I owned them, they would be kissing by now.
Summary: Jane can't believe Maura managed to talk her into another camping trip, especially after the disastrous first attempt. But this time something happens that makes her suddenly like camping a whole lot more... eventual Rizzles.
Author's note: Yeah, my titles have been sucky lately. Sorry. :-P Anyway, as to the story... I blame Julia DeRoussie for this. We were talking the other night on Facebook and she planted this idea in my head. Go throw things at her if you don't like it (actually no, don't, she's nice). :-P
R&IR&IR&I
Jane dumped her bag on the bed and stared at it moodily. "I can't believe I'm doing this again."
Maura emerged from the closet carrying what looked like several weeks worth of clothes over one arm and looked questioningly at Jane. "Doing what? Oh..." she added, with a glance at the lone bag on her bed, "you mean that you decided to pack your belongings in a tote bag again? You know, I did tell you last time that bags that are designed to sit on one shoulder are not suitable for adequate posture and balance. In fact, if you use it often enough, it can lead to a deterioration of your spine and it can even lead to partial disability."
Jane's jaw dropped open and she flailed her arms indignantly. "Your medical bag is designed to go over one shoulder!"
"Yes," Maura agreed primly, "but I don't carry it around with me all the time."
Jane frowned. "Only to every single body we get called out to."
"Generally though, I am only carrying it from the car to the body and vice versa. Hardly enough time to make an impact on my body, and I always ensure to swap it from shoulder to shoulder to provide as equal an overall weight distribution as possible." Maura walked to the bed and gently placed the clothes down, then picked up items one by one and started to fold them. "Are you sure you've packed enough?" she added, with a worried glance towards the tote bag again.
Jane snatched it up and held it close to her protectively. "Yes, for the last time. We're only going for a couple of days!"
"Four nights and five days, to be precise. Well," she stopped, considering, "more like four and a half days, actually. That is more than a 'couple', Jane."
Jane let her shoulders slump dramatically as she rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. "Right. And, pray tell Dr Google, how many is a 'couple' meant to be?"
"Between 2-3," Maura said, continuing to concentrate on her perfect folding skills, "while 'few' can mean anything between 3 and 7."
Jane blinked. "Right."
"So..." Maura added after a brief comfortable silence, glancing up almost shyly, "what did you mean when you said you can't believe you're doing this again?"
"Uh..." Jane flopped on the bed, shifting slightly when she fell on the as-yet unfolded pile of clothes and Maura made a soft noise of protest, "You know. My bag. With the whole one shoulder, fucked up spine thing."
"I did not use the words 'fucked up spine', thank you very much, and no, that's not what you meant."
Jane tipped her head backwards to stare at Maura upside down. She attempted a winning smile.
Maura frowned.
"Rarrgh!" Jane growled, sitting up abruptly. "Come on, Maura! You know what happened last time we went camping!"
"Well..." Maura began delicately, avoiding eye contact, "now we know what poison ivy looks like. So we'll know to avoid it."
Jane stared at her. "I got a rash."
Maura was apparently finding her bag deeply interesting. "Yes, I remember."
"On. My. Ass."
Maura nodded vigorously.
"And on my..." Jane hesitated slightly before hissing out, "hoo-hah, so you'll forgive me if I don't find another camping trip appealing."
"Honestly, Jane," Maura said, sighing in exasperation as she headed back towards the closet, "the word is vagina. Say it with me. Vag-in-a."
"Fine. I got a rash on my vag-in-a," Jane mimicked mockingly, then threw herself backwards again. "I could barely walk for a week. And do you know how hard it is to be in public and want to scratch but you can't?"
"Well, it is particularly unfortunate when you suffer from pruritis in a location where it is deemed socially inappropriate to scratch," Maura's voice floated from the closet and Jane rolled her eyes.
"Really, Dr Googlemouth? You couldn't just say that it would be embarrassing as all hell to be seen scratching my vag-in-a in public?"
"Language, Jane." Maura emerged carrying several more outfits.
Jane blinked. "What word made you protest: 'hell' or 'vagina'? And hey, I said 'fuck' before and you didn't bat an eyelid!"
Maura raised her shoulder playfully. "I have my standards."
Jane stared for a second before she started laughing. "You have your... see, this, this is why you're my best friend. No one makes me laugh like you do."
Maura smiled fondly. "I'm glad." She stared down at the bag and tapped her chin, disappearing back into the closet.
Jane sat up and stared at the mountain of clothes on Maura's side of the bed. "What the..." she muttered, then raised her voice slightly, "Uh, Maura?"
"Yes?"
"I know I'm only going for a c... I mean, a few days, but uh... how long are you planning on camping for?"
"The same amount of time as you," Maura emerged from the closet, blinking innocently over the towering pile of shoes she had precariously balanced in her arms.
"So..." Jane shifted her gaze between the shoes, the clothes, and the poor backpack that was apparently supposed to magically fit it all, "uh... why so much stuff?"
"Well," Maura carefully bent her knees, allowing the shoe tower to fall onto the bed, "we are venturing out into the wilderness. It is always good to have the essential tools for survival, just in case."
"Right. And, uh..." Jane picked through the pile of shoes, holding up a red stiletto, "high heels are essential to survival?"
"No," Maura snatched the shoe back, cradling it to her chest, "I just... well, you never know when you might have the opportunity to go out to a nice restaurant."
"You might not know, but I do. The answer is: not for the next four days. Come on..." Jane stood up and carefully pried the shoe out of Maura's grip, only just suppressing the urge to smile at the distressed little whimper that slipped out as the shoe fell to the ground. "Okay, serious packing now. If you really want survival stuff, you need, like... granola bars and dried vegetables and shit. And water. Lots of water. Luckily for you, I have a lot of that stuff already."
Maura blinked at Jane's bag in disbelief. "Did you not pack any clothes?"
"Hey, looks like you're trying to take enough for four people. I figure if I forgot something, you've got it."
Maura propped a hand on her hip. "Did you even look at the list I sent you?"
"Uh... I..." Jane's eyes fell on the nearby pile of clothes and she seized the item on top gratefully, "Really, Maura? A dress?"
"Well, you n..."
"...Never know when you're going to get to go to a fancy-schmancy restaurant, yeah I know. But, how's this for going wild... how about we take the chance that maybe, just maybe... there won't be a fancy restaurant out in the middle of nowhere? Waddaya think?"
"Very funny."
"I thought so. Come on. I'll help you pack. Properly."
Maura's eyes narrowed but she watched willingly enough as Jane began to go through her pile, putting nearly three quarters of it into the 'back into the closet' pile.
She couldn't help but add one last comment though. "You'll be sorry if we do go to a fancy restaurant."
Jane's laugh bubbled up and over, making Maura smile too.
R&IR&IR&I
"Here looks like a good spot."
"Wait..." Jane gripped Maura's arm, looking about worriedly. "Are you sure you don't see any poison ivy?"
"No, there's definitely no poison ivy here, Jane," Maura soothed, waiting until Jane sighed in relief and put down her bag to add, "but there's some poison oak over there."
"What?!" Jane was halfway into a sitting position but she instantly leapt to her feet, staring at the plant Maura was pointing at suspiciously. "That's poison oak?"
"No."
"I can't believe it, first poison ivy then... wait, 'no'?" Jane rounded on Maura, eyes flashing. "What do you mean, 'no'?"
"It's not poison oak."
Jane glowered ferociously.
Maura laughed in delight, dropping her bag and starting to pull out the tent.
"Why would you say there's poison oak if there's not?"
"To see your reaction?" Maura asked, then squealed as Jane made a lunge for her. "Jane! I'm trying to set up the tent!"
"Rude..." Jane muttered. "And what do you mean you're going to set up the tent? I had to do it last time 'cause you couldn't figure it out!"
"That's because I forgot the instruction sheet," Maura said primly, unfolding a large piece of paper and putting it on the ground, weighting it down with several large rocks that were nearby. "I'm sure I'll be fine this time."
"Wow, really? You forgot something? Even with your magical list?"
"Shut up, I'm concentrating." Maura frowned down at the instruction sheet, and then looked at the pole in her hand with a look of baffled confusion on her face.
"Okay," Jane muttered, sitting down and pulling out her bottle of water, "this should be good. Do you want any water, Maura?" she added, raising her voice.
"No, I ensured to adequately hydrate myself on the hike here," Maura replied distractedly, and Jane rolled her eyes.
"Of course you did."
R&IR&IR&I
"The instructions are... are..." Maura floundered, apparently searching for a word that was adequate to describe her outrage, "preposterous!"
"Yeah. Well, that's instructions for ya."
"The poles look nothing like illustrated, the pegs are... are different and I don't understand what it's trying to tell me." Maura picked up the instructions and stared at them hard, as though they were going to give up their secrets if she just waited long enough.
Jane rolled her eyes and stood up, stretching. She had been lying on the ground, head comfortably cushioned on her bag as she had watched Maura get increasingly frustrated over the last half an hour. However, amusing as it was, the afternoon was wearing on and Jane knew that she would have to pitch in if they didn't want to be sleeping under the stars tonight. "Okay Maura, I'll give you a hint... when camping, and setting up a tent, the best way to do it is to just..." she shrugged, "go in blind and figure it out for yourself."
"No," Maura retorted, "I'm pretty sure going in without any prior knowledge is how people get killed."
"By... not setting up a tent?" Jane blinked.
"No, by... by...!" Maura flailed then pointed at the tent grumpily. "Just do the tent."
Jane laughed. "C'mon. You have to help me."
"No," Maura replied, a slight pout on her lips, "I believe I have already demonstrated my skills as being somewhat below par. I wish to suffer no further humiliation."
Jane smiled. "Maura... you're not 'below par'. At all. Believe me. You just..." she shrugged, "haven't had as much experience as me."
Maura's eyes narrowed. "You said you hadn't been camping before."
"I hadn't before our first trip! But..." she raised a shoulder self-consciously, "Frankie and Tommy and I... we might have pitched a tent in the backyard once or twice."
Maura's jaw dropped. "So you have been camping before!"
"I wouldn't call twenty steps from Ma, Pop, electricity and plumbing camping though."
Maura considered this briefly. "Hmm. Okay."
"Okay?" Jane asked, eyebrow raised.
"Okay." Maura smiled brightly. "So what do I need to do?"
Jane shook her head fondly, before pointing at one of the pegs. "Hand me that. And the... yeah. Thanks."
R&IR&IR&I
"We did a good job, didn't we?" Maura said, standing back with Jane and surveying their tent with pride.
"We? I did most of the work!"
"I hammered in that peg," Maura protested, pointing to the far left corner. Jane laughed.
"Okay. Fine. We did a good job." She clapped her hands together. "So, time for dinner."
"Okay, well, we have dried..." Maura started but Jane interrupted.
"No, no, no. That's for if we get lost and are dying of hunger. If we camp, we eat camping type food." She bent down and started rifling through her bag.
"What's 'camping type food'?" Maura asked warily.
"Aha!" Jane said, finding what she was looking for, prying the lid off and showing it to Maura. "It's time to go fishing!"
"Those are worms!" Maura said, recoiling slightly.
"Maura," Jane said flatly, "You dissect dead people. Surely worms don't freak you out."
"Yes, but dead people are..." Maura leaned forward and peeked in the container again, her nose wrinkled in distaste, "dead. Those... those are not dead."
"Yeah, well, we want them fresh so that the fish go for them."
Maura frowned. "If this is 'camping type food', why didn't you insist on this last time?"
Jane shrugged. "I dunno. Let's go fishing!" She raced off towards the stream, leaving Maura to follow behind, nose still wrinkled.
"Wait, who's going to be the one gutting the fish?" Maura called.
Jane stopped and grinned back at her.
Maura rolled her eyes. "Why does it suddenly seem like this is going to end up being more work for me?"
"Hey, I'll do the dishes!"
"You better..." Maura muttered, then squealed as Jane pretended to throw the jar of worms at her. "JANE!"
END CHAPTER ONE
Hi! *waves* So, did you like it? I haven't really read it through properly so hopefully there's no stupid little errors that I missed, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are cause I'm tired. I was up till the ripe old hour of 11pm last night. *gasp* haha, I'm such an old lady in a 27 year old body. :-P Anyway, no idea how many chapters this will be/how often I'll update but I'll definitely get up at least one update a week and... yeah. We'll see how we go. Might only end up being 4-5 chapters but we'll see. :-)
Oh, and you guys, if you're on Facebook, should totally join 'The Rizzles Pairing Fanpage'. It's a group I created (I'm still part of the bigger Rizzles group but I was having problems on there with stuff getting deleted and me getting blocked etc) and it's mad fun. We just go nuts in there and talk about all sorts of inappropriate stuff. So much fun, and I've made some awesome friends. So come hang out if you like. :-P
Love to all!