Story premise: Blackbeard shows up in Storybrooke looking for some payback on Hook. However, things don't work quite the way they do back in the Enchanted Forest, especially where the ladies of Storybrooke are concerned!
(Granny's diner: Where everything usually starts anyway. Emma is dropping off Henry to Robin and Regina to go take her shift at the Sheriff station, and they decide to hang out for a bit and have coffee and chat. Henry is sitting at the counter next to Regina while Robin stands nearby, amusing himself by throwing darts at the dartboard. Emma is over by the cash register, paying for her coffee and chatting with Ruby.)
The door opens and a big, broad shouldered man with long curly black hair, a beard, and an outfit of a red coat and a big plumed hat that screams pirate walks into the diner, followed by two of his crew, a couple surly looking ruffians who take up positions at the door.
A silence falls over the crowd, most of whom know the pirate by sight or from wanted posters, and a collective gasp goes up from the frightened customers. The man gives his entrance a moment to properly impress everyone then booms out in a loud voice.
"My name is Captain Blackbeard, and if you people don't want your little town burned down around your ears, you will do exactly as I tell you." His steely eyes travel around the diner, smiling grimly as the folks turn their eyes downward in fear. Well, most of them.
The guy throwing darts paused in his game, gave the pirates a good looking over, then glanced at the lovely black haired woman sitting at the counter next to a young lad in his early teens. She gave a dismissive wave of her hand, and he shrugged, turned back to his game, and continued throwing darts.
Thunk. Thunk. Thunk...
The two pirate thugs by the door looked at him in amazement, probably figuring him for the village idiot who didn't understand just what horrible doom had befallen his home.
Regina smirked, her voice thick with disdain "OH goody. Just what Storybrooke needs, more pirates."
Henry looked up curiously from his I-phone "Blackbeard? I thought Killian killed him."
"Well apparently he did a sloppy job of it." Regina gave the pirates a once over with her eyes, sniffed coolly and went back to her online shopping on her own phone.
Emma, who has been watching from the cash register, finishes getting her change from Ruby and stuffs it haphazardly into the pocket of her jeans. She turned to face the newcomers.
"Can we help you gentlemen?"
Blackbeard, who has been glaring at Regina but obviously not certain if he should reproach her insult (he of course, does know the reputation of the dreaded Evil Queen), turns his attention on the striking blonde who is addressing him.
"Aye, I am looking for the local constabulary, who I am told is a woman, of all things." He gave a laugh at this, his two thugs joining in dutifully.
Emma stepped away from the counter as people sitting there suddenly decided they had somewhere to go. Quite a few slipped out the back way, towards the doors going into and out of the Inn section of the building. A few of the more morbidly curious types huddled farther back in the diner, watching breathlessly.
"I'm Sheriff Swan." she indicated the gold star badge clipped to her belt. "What's your business here in Storybrooke, Captain Blackbird, was it?"
"Black. Beard." he corrected gruffly.
"Oh yeah, sorry. Never was much of a reader as a kid, I get all you storybook people mixed up." She gave a casual shrug.
"So, you are the one known as Emma Swan?" he sauntered a bit closer. "The vaunted 'Savior' of Storybrooke?"
"That's what it says on my driver's license." she confirmed dryly. "Minus the vaunted savior of Storybrooke part."
Thunk. Thunk. The slow rhythmic sound of darts hitting the dart board continued.
Blackbeard glared over his shoulder at the player who seemed to remain blissfully oblivious to the pirate and his men, before turning back to his quarry.
"I hear tales of your deeds, and that you are acquainted with an old colleague of mine, a certain Killian Jones. Once known more widely as" his voice turned mocking. "Captain Hook."
"The guy that supposedly killed you by making you walk the plank?' she raised an eyebrow at Blackbeard, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
There was a repressed sounding snicker from behind them, and Blackbeard glared over his shoulder at the Queen and the boy, both who seemed to have been ignoring him completely, working on some small devices they held in their hands.
Thunk... footsteps as the dart player went over to the board to begin pulling the darts out of where they had landed in a perfect pattern surrounding the bullseye. On his way back, he stopped to grab a bottle of beer from the counter and took a long draught before setting it down and resuming his place.
"Aye, that be the man I speak of. "Blackbeard turned back to the sheriff.
"Yeah. I know him." she replied coolly.
"Talk about understatement." the queen muttered from her place at the counter. The boy choked out something like a laugh and pretended to shudder.
"Nice reminder, thanks Mom." he rolled his eyes, resuming his game. "Between the two of you I'm going to be emotionally scarred for life."
Blackbeard looked from them, back to the sheriff a knowing smile creeping over his weathered face as he made another show of examining her closely.
"I see the old boy still has exquisite taste in women." Blackbeard licked his lips. "Now, you're going to be a good little lass and tell me where he is. We have accounts to settle."
"No."
Blackbeard blinked in momentary surprise. "Eh? What did you say to me woman?"
"No." Emma repeated slowly, enunciating each letter." As in, hell no. Nope. Not going to happen. Denied. Generally a term to the negative in response to a request." she shrugged. "I'm a mom. It's a term I'm pretty good at using."
"She really is." said the boy from the counter, without looking up.
"Eat your french fries, kid." she scolded. "They're getting cold and you know how Granny is about wasting her food."
Blackbeard looked confused for a moment. "This is your mother boy? I thought you were the queen's son."
"I have two moms." Henry shrugged, scrunching up his nose as he did so, a habit he had retained since childhood." It's kind of, well, just say my family tree is really complicated."
Emma shot Henry a look and cleared her throat. "Look Bluebeard..."
"It's Blackbeard." he almost snarled this time in growing annoyance.
Thunk...thunk... more darts. Blackbeard felt the urge to grind his teeth.
"My bad. Sorry. "She apologized sweetly. "Whatever your name is, this here is between you and me, that's sheriff business and the kid there isn't on the payroll. Besides, he needs to finish his fries."
"So I have a proposition for you. You can leave a message with me and I'll tell Hook what it is the next time I see him. Then you and your boys can walk out of here all nice and peaceful. "she continued with a shrug "Or, I can haul your asses down to county lock up for disrupting the peace and you boys can spend the night in a cell until you decide to behave better in our peaceful little town."
Blackbeard looked at her like she had lost her mind, then threw his head back in raucous laughter. Again, his two cronies joined in right on cue.
"Wow, that's impressive. Do you guys have to practice that? Like, synchronized swimming or something?" Emma asked with a tone of mock sincerity.
Thunk.
"Oh but you are a tough lass, aren't you? Fiery too. I like that in a woman." Blackbeard moved up to tower over Emma, his smile turning lascivious. "Very well. If you refuse to tell me where that bilge rat is hiding, I'll just take you instead. Then I can keep you company while we wait for Hook to show up. Rumor has it, he's become very taken with you, the pretty little thing that you are. I'm sure our wait won't be nearly long enough for my liking."
Emma stared at him for a moment, then broke into giggles. "OH man, where do you guys get your lines? Really? Is there like a Snidely Whiplash school for villains or something?"
The thunk of the darts had stopped, but slowly resumed again.-
Blackbeard looked perplexed, probably trying to figure out what a Snidely Whiplash was, a scowl on his face as he glared down at her.
"I mean, I don't even know how to react to this stuff anymore! Am I supposed to be all scared, and trembling in my boots? Fearing for my virtue? Oh no, some brave knight come save me from the big ole scary pirate." Her voice turned mocking on the last bit. "Good grief, you people need to get with the 21st century."
Thunk.
Blackbeard's face was almost purple with rage now, breath streaming out of his nostrils like a bull.
"You dare mock me, wench?" he growled. "Curb your tongue, woman or I'll do more than take you. I'll take your boy too, and I will hang him like a signal flag from the ship's..."
Emma's eyes blazed with emerald fire, and before Blackbeard could finish his sentence, he found his arm up behind his back, his face slammed down onto the glass counter hard enough to put a crack in the glass, and something hard and cold, the muzzle of a gun, pressed against the side of his head above his right ear.
The two pirates at the door started forward to assist, when one of them screamed and fell back into the booth beside him, a dart sticking out of his left eye, howling in pain and clawing at the plastic fletching. His partner was hit in the chest by a fireball, one that blew him backwards through the diner's door to fall out onto the courtyard into a table and bench, rolling and screaming while he tried to quench the flames on his body.
Chaos erupted as the remaining customers decided to flee out the back door. They crashed into two men who were racing into the diner, one carrying a handgun the other carrying a cutlass. Hook and Charming skidded to a halt, breathing like they had both been running, and staring around wide eyed at the scene.
Emma leaned closer, speaking in a low, cold, hard tone of voice. "Don't you ever, ever, threaten my son."
Regina brushed off her hands and walked over, completely ignoring the screaming pirate in the booth and the two men who had just come bursting in, expecting to be the rescue party.
"What did that miserable worm say about Henry?" Regina asked coldly.
"Swan, are you alright?" Hook asked, out of breath and staring in shocked disbelief at the man held down against the counter. "Blackbeard, how the devil..."
"Yeah. I'm fine." Emma said calmly as if he had found her trying to carry in a heavy bag of groceries or something, not going toe to toe with a fearsome pirate. "You guys might want to see about the guy in the booth behind you with a dart sticking out of his eyeball, though."
Charming looked back, grimaced, then went to the man to help. He pulled out his walkie talkie and called in requesting an ambulance.
"You might want to add a request for the fire fighters, too your highness. "Robin said mildly, and gestured to the man still rolling on the courtyard flailing at the flames and trying to tear his clothing off his burned limbs. He had managed to set the table and chairs he had crashed into on fire in the process. "Good shot, by the way, your majesty."
Regina glanced over her shoulder at him. "Why thank you. And I must say the same to you. You've impressed me."
"Does that come with a reward, impressing my lovely queen?" Robin asked innocently, masking a smile.
"There's another emotional scar." Henry groused. "Hey is that guy's eyeball gonna come all the way out?"
"Henry." Both mothers scolded in unison.
"Well, it seems I have your attention, Hook." Blackbeard finally ground out, the tension on his temple easing up just enough so that he could raise his jaw and form words." Have you truly fallen so far, being protected by women?"
Hook's shoulders straightened, his pride and his anger showing in the glare of his eyes. "Protected? Bloody hell, I only just learned you were here! Which seems rather improbable, given the fact I fed you to the bloody sharks!"
Robin cleared his throat. "To be fair, I would like to point out that of the three involved in this little melee, I am not a woman." he looked insulted.
"Robin threw a dart into that guy's eyeball." Henry explained to his grandfather and Hook. "It was awesome."
Both men looked at Robin, then at the man who now held a bar towel against his eye socket, whimpering as David helped him apply pressure to the wound to stem the bleeding. The sound of sirens came near.
"My crossbow is out in my truck." Robin explained with a shrug. "It seemed milady sheriff had her hands full with their captain, and it would hardly be sporting for three men to gang up on one woman. I do apologize about the mess."
David glanced over at his daughter, his face paling as his overly protective father parental brain played out every possible scenario that could have ended in damages to his little girl. "No apologies needed."
The paramedics showed up and loaded both of the pirate goons onto stretchers, wearing handcuffs to insure good behavior, although neither seemed likely to be engaging in anything remotely strenuous anytime soon. The firemen were still putting out the flames as they hauled the two away, Granny and Ruby watching from the sidewalk, fuming over the damages.
During this time, Blackbeard had recovered his bearings and composure. "Are you going to keep that gun on my skull all day, darling? Not that I don't enjoy a woman who likes to play rough."
Something of a snarl came from Hook, and he stepped forward, raising his cutlass. "Watch your tongue or I'll gladly remove it for you."
"Chill." Emma sighed, giving him the look. You know the one. "I haven't read him his rights yet. I need him to be able to answer whether he understands them first, okay?"
"She wants my tongue right where it is," Blackbeard leered. "I promised her some sport."
Hook's eyes narrowed and he started forward again, but ran into David who had come up beside him, fists clenched in anger.
"Or maybe I'll just knee cap him." Emma mused aloud. "Then let Regina turn him into a bonfire. We could make s'mores."
"Let him up, Swan." Hook growled. "This is my fight, and I'll gladly finish what I started back in the Enchanted Forest."
"He made it my fight, when he threatened Henry." Emma shot back in annoyance.
"And mine." Regina added, her hand glowing with a fiery hue. "Personally, I like Miss Swan's idea better. After all, everybody loves s'mores."
"He threatened Henry?" Charming and Hook asked in unison, both men's hackles rising further.
"Oh jeez, would everyone quit acting like I'm a helpless baby? I'm 13 years old!" Henry pleaded to the room in general. "He said some stupid shit about using me for a flag or something. It was a really lame threat."
"No one here thinks you're helpless, sweetheart." Regina soothed, then more sternly. "And watch your language young man."
"And finish your fries." Emma reminded him again, flicking her eyes at his plate pointedly.
Henry sighed over dramatically, having achieved the skill upon reaching 13 and adolescence. "Okay, but seriously? As much as I like s'mores and all, it is pretty disgusting the stuff he keeps saying about you mom. I'm getting all traumatized and sh...Umm stuff. I think you should let Killian fight him."
Henry's eyes were twinkling with gleeful anticipation, and Killian sketched him a quick bow.
"I agree with the lad." Robin supplied helpfully. "A man has his honor, after all and this cad's behavior towards Miss Swan has been completely boorish."
"See? We're all in agreement. Now, love, if you all would kindly step back and give us some room, I will commence with carving this jackal into fish bait." Hook leveled his cutlass at Blackbeard.
"Yessss." Henry pumped a fist in the air. "A real pirate sword fight. This is gonna be so cool. I gotta text Grace about this."
"NOT IN MY DINER!" came Granny's shout through the broken door from the courtyard. "Haven't you people done enough damage?"
"No, as much as I may dislike the idea, we have to just arrest him." David said reasonably. "This isn't the Enchanted Forest, and we have laws here. Dueling isn't one of them, and since Snow did serve as mayor briefly, and Emma and I sheriffs, we need to set a good example as a family."
"Prince David? Is that you?" Blackbeard asked disdainfully. "This trollop is your daughter?"
"Watch your mouth, pirate." David warned.
"I should have known. I met your lovely little wife once, back in the old world. "Blackbeard continued smugly. "She was trying to buy passage out of the Enchanted Forest aboard my ship. Too little gold I'm afraid, and she wasn't willing to meet my other terms. Your daughter does have her mother's eyes, as well as her glorious tits."
"Screw the laws." David snarled, pulling his gun back out of its holster.
"Bloody hell, I have first rights to this man's head!" Hook grabbed David's arm. "If you go and shoot the bastard he gets off too bloody easy. I want to at least keel haul him a few times if nothing else."
"Ewwwww dude seriously?" Henry looked over at Blackbeard with a look of utter horror." That's my grandma you're talking about. I don't care how young or hot she is, nobody wants to hear some guy talking about his grandma's tits."
"The correct term is 'breasts' Henry." Regina corrected.
"Did I just use the term 'hot' to describe my own grandma?" Henry shuddered. "F.M.L. Where's Archie when I need him? Like, serious therapy."
"That's my wife he's talking about!" David growled at Hook, never taking his eyes off of Blackbeard as the other man tried to hold him back.
"And that's my..." Hook caught himself and then cleared his throat. "That's Emma he's been talking about. And you're not the reason he came after her to begin with!"
"Oh do go on and finish that first sentence Captain." Regina cajoled.
Emma, pretending not to hear all of this, said. "I know what FML means, Henry and just because you don't say the whole word doesn't mean you aren't cussing. The rule is no swearing, especially the F word"
"What's the matter, wench? Don't want your little spawn getting a man's education? "Blackbeard goaded.
"Hey shut the fuck up, asshole." Emma snapped. "I'm trying to parent my son here."
"What a lovely little family we have here." Blackbeard continued without missing a beat. "The shepherd who became a prince, and married a disgraced princess who ran about as a bandit doing who knows what? Tell me, was she actually a virgin on your wedding night?"
David gave an inarticulate roar, and pushed forward. Hook swore under his breath and pulled back, trying to use his weight to stop the shorter more heavily muscled man.
"Really? Do you have a death wish or something?" Emma asked the pirate she still held pinned to the counter. Her arms were getting tired. "I'm trying to keep you from getting killed right here, you moron."
"He really doesn't seem to be understanding the position he is in."Robin agreed, seeing Emma's dilemma and moving over to assist her in holding Blackbeard down. He gave an experimental pull on the pirate's pinned arm and was rewarded with a snarl of pain. "Perhaps he stood too close to cannon fire too many times and it damaged his brain."
Emma took a step back, shaking out her cramping arm while keeping the gun trained on the pirate. She nodded her thanks to Robin. "I can't tell if it's denial or just a special kind of stupid. Hook, Dad, relax. He's shooting off his mouth to goad you into reacting. Don't let him."
David took a deep breath, then nodded once. He stopped struggling and stepped back, clenching and unclenching his fists.
"Now, listen up because legally I only have to do this once." Emma told Blackbeard. "You have the right to remain silent. Which by now we are all really wishing you would do. Before my father the prince, or my boyfriend the pirate, decide to murder you in cold blood in the local diner. Which just might break some health code laws or something."
Hook, hearing her call him her boyfriend, brightened up with a smile, and lowered his sword, looking very pleased with himself.
"Boyfriend, huh?" David gave him a questioning look, trying to look stern and disapproving but not quite hiding the smile of amusement.
"If you give up this right, "Emma continued, ignoring the exchange. "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of..."
"Boyfriend?" Blackbeard spat disdainfully. "Is that what you call being a pirate's whore in this realm?"
Hook's smile vanished. "I am going to carve those words into your wretched face, and shove your head into a barrel of piranha while you still bleed."
That earned him a few wide eyed looks from the others, Robin actually looked a bit pale at the image in his mind.
"Can I watch?" Henry asked hopefully.
"NO!" Regina, David and Emma all shouted at once.
"Killian…" David turned to the pirate. "Remember what we talked about?"
Hook sighed, dropping his head back and rolling his eyes.
"Heroes dispense justice." He recited dully." Heroes do not engage in blood thirsty torture."
Regina started to sniff disdainfully, but then remembering Henry's presence schooled her features into a look of calm agreement.
A low mocking chuckle came from Blackbeard. "It's worse than the rumors have it. The great and fearsome Hook, emasculated like a…"
"Whoa…cool!" Henry's youthful voice interrupted. "I just googled how fast piranha can strip a carcass. Check out this video!"
He walked over, holding up the screen to his phone, making sure it was angled so that Blackbeard could see the graphic display from a National geographic nature video.
"Dad, maybe you should take Henry outside for a bit?" Emma asked, eyeing her son with a look of concern.
"Oh c'mon mom!" Henry protested. "I'm learning a lot here."
"Yes. We can see that Henry." Regina agreed, managing to sound at once proud yet disturbed at the same time.
Emma turned back to Blackbeard and lowered her voice." I did tell you about that right to remain silent, didn't I? Good. And FYI, it's not the same as a whore, because a whore charges money. Hook's good looking, I like him, and so he gets it for free. You? There isn't enough gold in the kingdoms. That's how it works here. Got it? Good. Where was I?"
"Okay." Regina said overly brightly, clapping her hands together. "That's enough teenage education for one day. Get your coat, Henry. Let's go."
Henry gave both moms a pleading look with big brown eyes. "But…"
He was met with stone faced silence. His attention shifted, glancing at both Robin and Hook as if they were his last hope. With nervous glances at Emma and Regina, each man met the other's eyes before giving the boy a brief nod.
Henry's shoulders slumped in defeat as he went and grabbed his jacket from where it was bunched up on the counter top. "Wimps."
Charming holstered his gun, clapping his grandson on the shoulder in consolation. "You'll understand some day, Henry. Some battles are better left unfought. "
"I guess." Henry sighed. "But if Killian does get to carve up Blackbeard, can you at least record it on video for me so I can watch it when I'm older?"
"Knights honor." David crossed his heart with a finger.
Henry glowered sullenly, heading for the door with a sideways glance at Blackbeard." Run me up the mast like a flag," he snorted through his nose. "That's the gayest…"
"Henry Daniel Mills!" Regina warned, following her son to the door.
"I'll meet you at the truck. "Robin called, looking relieved that he was going to miss the epic scolding the boy was in for. He pulled Blackbeard upright, then moved to the side while David came around to handcuff the pirate for transport to the sheriff station.
Emma stepped back, returning her gun to the holster she kept it in on the back of her jeans. She glanced over, taking in the stiffness in Hook's shoulders, the tic of the muscle in his jaw. A smile softened her expression.
"Sorry to deprive you of yet another dashing rescue." She teased, nudging his arm with her fist. His knuckles were still white around the grip on the cutlass he held in his good hand.
"Hmm. Well as usual Swan, you and the Queen had things well in hand. "He agreed, returning the cutlass to the sheath at his belt.
Emma bit her bottom lip trying not to smile at his obvious unease. "Well, Robin was here to help too."
"Aye that he was." Hook nodded gravely towards Robin in recognition. "And glad I am that he was, and that Blackbeard didn't bring more of his crew with him to abduct you or Henry, or …"
"Oh but he was going to." She sidled closer to him, her voice dropping to a teasing purr" But then you and David, you came in all guns and swords and heroics and…."
Hook snorted. "To find him pinned face down with your gun in his skull."
"And I couldn't be more proud." David interjected, pulling Blackbeard roughly around by his bound wrists." Big bad pirate got his ass handed to him by my little girl."
"Your trollop daughter got lucky, she caught me by surprise." Blackbeard snarled. "Something that will not happen again I promise you. Next time, your little whore will be…"
Emma rolled her eyes, then spun around and slammed her fist into Blackbeard's jaw. His head snapped to the side, then his eyes rolled up in his head as he slumped to the ground unconscious.
Robin, taken by surprise lost his grip on the pirate and stepped back as his head hit the tile floor. "Nice punch, milady sheriff."
"Like I said, that's my girl!" David patted Emma's shoulder, his eyes brimming with tears of pride.
"Thanks daddy." Emma blushed prettily, shaking out her swollen knuckles.
"Might want to put some ice on those," David told her, leaning down to grab a handful of Blackbeard's namesake and started dragging the unconscious pirate towards the diner door. "I'll take out the trash here and meet you at the station."
"Okay. See you there soon." Emma promised smiling as she watched Blackbeard's head thump against the lip of the shattered doorframe while David manhandled it open to drag his captive through.
Robin looked between Hook and Emma, a knowing look in his eyes. "I'll just help the prince get our guest into his truck and comfortably into his accommodations in the town jail, shall I?"
"Thanks mate." Hook nodded, taking in a deep breath, rubbing at his jaw as in lost in memory.
Emma turned back to Hook, walking over while rubbing her knuckles. "Now, we were discussing your wounded pride and ruffled feathers."
He looked affronted, drawing himself up to his full height. "I would hardly call my pride wounded, I'm simply furious that this cretin came here with ill intent towards you and the boy…"
Emma stepped closer to him, running her hands up the lapels of his jacket. "Would you really shove his head into a barrel of piranha for me?"
Hook blinked, caught off guard by the sudden question. "Yes."
She slid her hands up around his neck, standing on tiptoe to pull him down for a kiss. "That is so incredibly romantic."
He let out a sigh against her lips. "You are one of a kind, Emma Swan."