Addicted to Hope
The buildings creaked and screamed and settled into their new status quo. Concrete dripped off buildings like sleet and ice off a glacier. Heaven and earth had collided and Tony couldn't tell who had won. The ground was thick with smoke and crimson green fluid mixed with flesh and stone. The sounds of battlement hung in the air.
Tony's fingertips were numb.
His gaze fell to the uniform at his feet. The bright yellow seemed so out of place with the grey mist in the air. The lack of movement distracted him as well. Bodies were supposed to breathe. The green skin clashed with the bright material and Tony caught himself thinking that Jan would never approve.
He hadn't seen Jan in a while…
The glare of the sun through the mist of concrete and steel tore his gaze away from the man at his feet. He raised his eyes to look at the other end of the wreckage once called New York. The same glare blinded his vision and he came away seeing spots.
It was the shield, Tony realized.
The sun had caught the light on the vibranium shield held by a man he had thought he'd never see again.
He closed his eyes to clear his vision.
It wasn't him, it was another illusion… a Skrull or maybe he was just that far gone.
He'd worry about sanity later.
It was definitely him. Tony felt anger bubble forth from inside him.
He squared his shoulders and clenched his jaw. Neither of which could be seen through the armor.
This Skrull had no right to look like Steve. He'd end this. End it. First this monstrosity and then everything else. Better then leave an abomination like that to exist, even if it was only in his head.
He paused to breathe, willing his legs to hold him upright as his systems struggled to stay online. He wasn't certain how much longer they would last. It didn't matter. He'd burn that bridge when he came to it.
He set his thrusters on a smoldering path toward the lie, but as he edged closer hope struck him and he found himself slowing.
It was like a sickness. An addiction.
He would have given up long ago if not for his addiction to hope. Hope that his path would follow the lies he told himself. Hope that he'd never let them all down again.
Let him down.
By the time he reached the mirror of Captain America he landed gently next to it, only to find himself asking, "Please don't be another lie."
Mirror Steve had seen him coming. He hadn't even raised his shield. Tony looked at the man. The slightly worn outfit. The subtle smell of leather. Blond at the edges. That shield. Those eyes.
Tony looked away.
And then he saw them. Skrull. There were Skrull ripped and torn and dead at Mirror Steve's feet. He'd been fighting them. He'd been on their side?
Sides.
Tony was so sick of drawing lines in the sand. Picking sides…Tony tried to focus his thoughts as his vision threatened to blur. "I'll rip you apart if you're a lie." He managed to say.
The eyes of the man in Captain America's uniform flinched in pain... those eyes so much like Steve's.
The man stood silently like the only pillar on the street that hadn't crumbled to the ground. He moved his gaze from looking at his own hands, hands that were clutching the shield like it was the only thing he could still believe in, to stare Iron Man in the eye.
But that's what it was. Iron Man's eyes.
Tony fought the urge to rip off his helmet.
The Mirror bowed his head before answering in a Steve-like tone.
"A lie… If I am a lie, I'd want you to. I thought..." The Mirror closed Steve's sky blue eyes. "I don't know."
Tony took another step forward. "You came off that ship. That ship full of Skrull and you took off. Now I'm supposed to believe you when you say you just don't know... you just don't remember?"
Mirror Steve twisted the leather straps on his shield. "I remember everything." He breathed. "That's the problem. I know I'm Steve Rogers. I know I have all of his memories." His squeezed his eyes shut, his face drawn in pain. "But so did those people on that ship. I barely… I barely made it out of the Savage Lands. I found a--"
"Do you remember us?" Tony's voice croaked.
Steve paused, then smiled fondly and lowered his cowl.
"I remember that weekend in France where you helped me bury the memories," He whispered. "We got sand everywhere. I remember that thing you do with your tongue when we-" Steve paused and blushed.
Tony felt a warmth inside of him that he hadn't felt in so long.
"I remember the ice. I remember you supporting me as both Tony Stark and Iron Man… I remember your laughter when I found out about you both being the same man and when I explained how conflicted I'd been between you two... I remember movie nights where you tried to go all out in front of the other Avengers and my little concessions." Steve tried to smile. "They never noticed or if they did they never said anything. I remember the pain of losing them… and the joy of finding the new avengers, a new chance. Fate."
Steve looked back up at the armor's faceplate and this time Tony did unlock the visor. He had to see this man with his own two eyes.
Nothing should be between them.
"I don't believe in fate," Tony sighed, his voice small without the armor to amplify it. Steve was so close to him. He could just reach out and…
"I willed myself to find you I needed you so badly."
Tony fell into the kiss that Steve initiated so easily it seemed like that was how the world had always been. It felt so right. It felt like something in his universe had clicked into place.
He barely registered that Steve's strength was one of the only things keeping him standing.
This man felt like Steve. He smelled like Steve. It was a good lie. It was so good.
Tony mentally shook his head. He made himself end the kiss.
"Do you remember Stamford?" Tony forced the words to leave his throat. "You remember registration and the baseball stadium? You remember the brig… the courtroom steps?" He ended in a whisper.
Steve lowered his eyes to the ground. His face was tense with what Tony knew to be bad memories. Finally the other man met his gaze once again.
"I remember Tony."
Tony found himself stumbling slightly against the pressure of the armor.
"I'm sorry."
Steve's voice.
"Sorry? That's not something that you should ever say to me." Tony replied.
Tony ignored what Steve said next, pulling him in for another kiss. He ignored the seconds of his life he'd spent thinking this Steve wasn't his Steve. He ignored the way he'd been feeling for so long. He ignored the pain in his chest and the way his arms were burning numb. But he found he couldn't ignore the taste of Steve's lips on his own.
Panting they pulled apart.
"I still think I was right." Tony could barely hear Steve say.
"I know you do." Tony admitted.
Tony offered a smile. Steve only gripped him tighter. That was when Tony noticed it. Steve's back was turned, head bowed.
Tony spun Steve out of the way. They fell apart unceremoniously and Cap was up in a second spinning and stretching his anger out toward the Skrull who had attacked them. The shield hit the thing in the throat. It didn't get up.
Tony had almost blocked it out of his mind that their conversation had taken place in seconds on an open battlefield. He wouldn't be that careless again.
Why? Why did the world always have to interrupt them? It was something that happened in less them a blink of an eye that changed everything in your entire life.
Like the bullet in Steve's chest, or the shrapnel in his own heart.
Mercy was a thing of the past.
This was war.
Steve and Tony's eyes met. They'd had enough time, there'd always be more later.
There had to be...
They were heroes. This wasn't something they necessary wanted or enjoyed but it was what the world needed from them. Side by side nothing could defeat them. The Skrull seemed to know this. They tried their best to separate the two.
Tony's systems were bad and getting worse. If Steve hadn't been there he wasn't sure he would have even stayed on the battlefield. It would have been the smart thing to leave and repair things in any way he could. But there was no way he was leaving Steve. Never again. He'd die by his side if it meant spending one moment longer with the man who gave him hope.
Tony was addicted to hope after all.
And that made him addicted to Steve.
Tony was distracted by the sight of Steve taking a blow he couldn't deflect. It was enough for another Skrull to get the best of him.
His armor was shot. He tried but couldn't call it back. He was there exposed, too far from Steve to be of any help or to be helpful to himself and the Skrull were pulling forward. Without the aide of his armor Tony felt the oppressive pull of his bones as the Skrull virus still ravaged his systems. He couldn't use Extremis, he couldn't use his armor, he could barely use his body.
As another Skrull came too his right, he tried to fall back on the skills Captain America had given him so long ago. But he was so slow in the armor. It was almost not worth wearing, if not for the physical protection it afforded him.
In a move that was more serendipitous luck then anything Tony had planned, he was able to get a Skrull that was armored as well, to fall into a shot intended for his own head. The metal Skrull was out, but his armor was still operational.
The gauntlets would be better then nothing.
Tony sloughed off as much of his own armor as he could, leaving it behind.
His chest hurt.
Everything hurt.
As he continued fighting in his adopted armor, Tony found that he'd lost Steve somewhere in the battlefield. He eyed the plain frantically, but to no avail.
Damnit Steve, Tony thought to himself. Be ok. Please be ok. I have a lot of people I'd die for, but you're the only one I'd live through all this shit.
He continued the fight.
---------------------------
The next thing Tony was aware of was a low voice by his ear.
He struggled to listen to what it said.
"It's ok Tony, you can stop."
Steve's voice. It was Steve's voice again.
Tony lifted his head off the cement. He hadn't realized he'd fallen to the ground.
"Tony stop." Steve said again, more forcefully now.
Tony realized that he was still working the Skrull armor. It was sending sparks of energy around sporadically.
He made himself turn the armor off.
"We win?" Tony heard himself ask.
"We will." Steve answered him, pulling Tony up to face him.
"We can take care of this." Steve continued, nodding to the other people, their friends, who were all working together for the same goal.
Freedom.
"Because we're the Avengers." Tony breathed. "What no hero can do--"
"What no hero can do alone Tony. And you're not alone. Not anymore."
Tony felt so safe in the arms that were around him.
He closed his eyes and didn't again feel pain until he heard another voice by his ear.
"Tony you're going to have to move." Reed Richards stated in a calm and composed way.
Tony could see the device Richards had to tell if someone was a Skrull. He held Steve tighter.
"No. No it's him. It doesn't matter." Tony answered.
Steve only nodded at Reed to give the go ahead to scan them both since Tony wouldn't leave.
Tony moved to touch Steve's face, his eyes pleading with all he was worth. "Promise me." Tony begged. "Promise that you're Steve." His breath was rapid and shallow.
Steve leaned his forehead against Tony's.
"I promise."
Tony held his eyes tightly closed as light overcame them both.
Tony closed his eyes and prayed to God that he could freeze time at this very moment, or at the very least go blind.
Tony was addicted to hope...