Gendo Ikari smirked as only scheming bastards like himself could. How conveniet, he thought to himself, that I summoned my son to Tokyo-3 just in time for an angel attack. My psychologically traumatized son who will no doubt do anything to get my praise. Everything seemed to be going better than he ever expected. His brother, who was taking care of Gendo's son, died along with his wife in an horrific incident involving red spiders and a "dangerous crossbreed fork." And guess who watched every moment of it at the age of 5? The Supreme Commander of NERV cackled internally. There was no way his plan to revive his dead wife could go wrong...
GrammarFuher Presents:
NEON XKCD EVANGELION
(Yes. Really.)
Misato zoomed through the streets of the abandoned metropolis that was Tokyo-3, fleeing the giant alien being attacking the city. Finally, she stopped on a street lined with shops. Looks like I'm safe here, Misato thought. I better get back to finding the Third Chi-
Suddenly all the the entire left side of the street exploded, throwing the car back. When the smoke cleared, the car was on its side, a heavily injured Misato inside. She heard footsteps, then the car turned right side up. Someone opened up a door. "Salutations, Captain Katsuragi," said a boy wearing a back pack, school uniform, and a black hat, carrying a suitcase. "I am Shinji Ikari, the Third Child. Now, it appears that you are in no state to operate any form of heavy machinery, so I will gladly drive you to NERV Headquaters. To the back seat, please." Misato stared at the child in shock, then slowly moved to the back. Shinji put his belonings in the trunk, got into the driver's seat, and drove at a speed perfectly fine for a normal day, but in no way appropriate when 200-foot aliens are attacking. They were halfway to their destination when the JSSDF decided to drop an N2 mine on the angel. They were closes by when this happened, and the car once again was turned on its side. Shinji was uninjured, and was seemed like he didn't even noticed. Misato, however, was not pleased. Wonderful, even more life threatening injuries. I'll be lucky if they have a body left to bury, she thought.
5 minutes later, Shinji climbed out of the car and turned it over. He lifted the hood and took out the battery. "Shinji," Misato asked. "What are you doing?" "The EMP from the N2 mine fried the battery," Shinji explained. "Luckily, I have just the thing to get this car moving again." He went to the trunk and got out his backpack. He went back to the front, and retrieved a small vial of red fluid. "Is that blood?' Misato asked, the slightest bit of horror in her voice. "Yes," replied Shinji, "churchmouse blood to be exact."He took out a small paintbrush, and began to paint something with the blood. He reached into his bag again and pulled out a puppy. "Shinji... what are you doing to that puppy?" asked Misato, who feared what Shinji would do next. After all, the puppy was giving a look to the Captain that clearly said, "Help me, lady. Save me from this horrible man." "It's not just any puppy," Shinji explained, "It's a puppy that's watched it's mother get brutally killed by a halberd and forced to eat her internal organs. And if it isn't painfully obvious enough, I am going to use it's soul to power this car." Misato couldn't believe her ears. Had this boy no respect for anyone except himself? Had she not been injured, she would have gotten up and snatched the puppy straight of his hands, and then slap him. But since this was not the case, she could only watch as Shinji tied wires around the puppy legs, then hooking up the wires to the rest ot the car. The puppy whimpered in fear throughout this. Then Shinji took out a bag full of blood. "More churchmouse blood?" asked Misato. "Actually," replied the classhole, "this blood is from the puppys own mother. Has to be." He dipped a 9-inch nail in the blood, then took it out and raised it above his head. Misato knew what was coming next. Shinji plunged the nail into the puppy's heart. Misato heard a cry of pain and a flash of blue light. The light died down a little, and Shinji got back in and resumed driving. The puppy's whimpers of pain were quite audible inside the car. "You bastard," said Misato in shock. "Thank you," replied Shinji. Misato sighed. This was going to be a long, long, day.
Author's Note: You might want to read xkcd to get some of this. Anyway, the idea just came to me one day. So I decided to write it. Please review.