When I'm Gone, a twilight fanfic

Hi, guys. I took a short break from writing for a while, but I'm back! I'm creating a new schedule that's not too bad for me or you guys. I'm going to start posting bi-weekly, Monday nights at nine o'clock for this story, Tuesday nights at the same time for Dirty Faith and Wednesday nights for Coming Home. The other three are basically dead. Sorry, I might put up an ending chapter for each one, but we'll see. (That was in my innocent writing faze).

Well, I hope you enjoy this new angst filled romance, gushing with tons and tons of lemons. I hope. If I can get up the courage to actually write any.

Thanks to my wonderful, wonderful beta, Little Daphamir and Happy New Year to all!

Love, Zoë

P.S. There will not be song lyrics in the beginning of every chapter- just those who introduce new important characters.

This is Bella's song.

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state

A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake

No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber

Until I realize that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids

Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack

All around the world was waking, I never could go back

Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open

And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Synapse slipping through the hidden door

Snow White's stitching up the circuit board

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards

Synapse slipping through the hidden door

Snow White's stitching up the circuit board

Synapse slipping through the hidden door

Blinding - Florence And The Machine

As I stepped up to the railing, I could barely hear the rushing of water below me, a mere swallow in a horde crows that was the rain drenching my skin and tattered clothes. But as I looked down, it was very much so moving, so quickly in fact that when I had put my hand in it beforehand to feel its speed and depth, I was almost washed away.

I pushed my body up, over the railing and stepped on the other side of it, my feet just barely keeping their place on the edge of the bridge. My arms were starting to shake with the pressure of holding on backwards to the railing with the chilling rain pounding down on them. As I was about to release my hold, the pressure on both my arms and my heart, I heard a voice.

It was very faint. So faint that if I had still believed in God after all this time, I would have thought it was an angel sent down by Him himself.

But I knew better now. No God, no love, no hope.

But the voice kept me stock still, no release as I wanted, but only the anxiety and pain of still being alive. It was gold soaked in honey, yelling at me. Screaming. And then quiet. More screaming.

I didn't turn around, but I could tell that the body accompanying the voice was just as magnificent. As the footsteps got closer, so did the man's voice, close enough that I could just make out what he was saying.

"Don't! Please! Don't jump!"

I was suddenly angry. Didn't he see that I was distressed? That I wanted this all to end?

"There has to be something! Something I can do for you to make you stop! Please!"

More screaming. Louder as he approached. I wanted so badly to just let go, but his pleas held me frozen.

"Get down! Get down or I'll- I'll get you down myself!"

I shook my head, hoping he could see. A sob ripped through my chest. Just let me go, I wished I could say. I need this.

His yells were getting desperate. "Anything you want! Food! Water! A clean bed! Please! Chocolate!"

I could tell the last one was a joke, just listing things off the top of his head, but it did me in. He wanted me to come down. I knew that if I did jump, this man, whoever he was, would feel the agony of my death for years to come. Why cause another person to feel as I do? I could stay alive, well, with this man's help and he could feel good about himself, good about helping me. He could make me feel better with all the chocolate I could ask for, because I could hear that he meant it.

I let out another sob, shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs. I gripped the railing harder. I needed to find a way to get to this man.

He found me. I knew he realized that I gave up. I felt his muscular arms around my waist, his hands ripping mine from the railing. He lifted me up and over so that I was with him, in his arms, leaning against him.

I couldn't stop the tears as they fell from my face in streams, mingling with the rain. The strangled sounds coming from my chest clogged my throat, putting momentary stops to my breathing.

He stroked my hair, my arms, my face, and still, I couldn't look at him. I could no longer dream of the dead as if death itself was undone. There was nothing I could do to join them as long as I was with this man.

I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack.

"We should get out of the rain," he whispered quietly, clutching onto me as if his life depended on it.

I didn't say anything, just let him stand me up and touch my cheek. I still didn't look at him, not wanting to ruin my imaginative image of his face. If I was disappointed, there would be nothing stopping me from jumping. Selfish, but then again I was an extremely selfish person.

I half walked and was half carried across the bridge, under the small tunnel that gave us slight protection from the rain. I collapsed again and he just leaned against the wall, letting me breathe in his scent as I choked back tears into his chest.

Eventually, I quieted enough that he stood us back up, holding my arms against my sides. I could hear the thunder crashing and I shivered.

"Let's get to my car. We can go to a hotel and we can figure out what we're going to do," he said against my hair, barely loud enough for me to hear.

I nodded silently, finally taking a peak at my savior, no longer able to avoid it.

There was one thing for certain- I wouldn't be jumping with that face around. His green eyes sparkled sadly, quiet tears falling from them. His lips were full enough, trembling from the cold. His cheekbones were high, making his already gorgeous features even more beautiful. He had a Roman nose, no bumps or marks, but his hair was what did me in.

It was fire and gold and copper together. It was beautiful and stuck up in random places, flattened in others by the rain. He stared back at me with equal amazement. We stared at each other for uncountable minutes, memorizing faces. We could have been there for hours, but I let out a violent shudder, ripping my gaze from his and breaking the trance. He shook his head but held me to him, still reluctant to let me go.

We started walking again, this time to his car. We got to the shiny, silver Volvo and he held the door open for me, making sure I was completely inside before quickly moving over to his side. He got in and pulled his keys out of his pocket, looking at his leather jacket sadly for a moment before taking it off and throwing it in the back seat.

"I'm sorry," I croaked, speaking for the first time.

"For what?" he asked in a sad voice, turning back to the wheel.

I cleared my throat. It had been such a long time since I had spoken. "Your jacket."

He laughed humorlessly, "I got that for ten bucks at a garage sale five years ago. It's nothing."

I nodded, turning forward and leaning back. I closed my eyes, grateful for the heat blasting at me and the cushion behind me. I could have slept there, but he started up the car, and began driving to what I recognized as the most expensive hotel in town.

We didn't say anything in the car, the only sound being my shallow breathing and the rain pounding on the top of the car. When we arrived, he ran around to my side of the car, helping me out once again. I took his hand and despite my klutziness, made it out of the car without tripping. He closed the door, locked it and put his arm around my body, pulling me closer to him in the rain.

We approached the building, sopping wet and exhausted. The man at the front desk looked at us curiously. We probably looked a little strange. I mean, wet, no bags, bloodshot eyes, the whole I'm-a-druggie-so-don't-do-anything-for-me persona.

My savior took out his wallet from his back pocket and handed over a credit card.

"How much is a single bedroom, full suite?" he asked.

"Forty-seven dollars a night, sir," the nervous clerk answered.

"Okay. Book it under Edward Cullen," he said.

Edward Cullen. Where had I heard that name before?

The clerk handed him a key card and smiled, telling us our room number and wishing us a good night.

Edward led us to the elevator and tucked us inside, hitting the button for our floor. There was more silence between us, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I could feel the blackness slowly fading from me the more I was with him.

When the elevator stopped, we walked down the hall until we found the room. He opened it, bringing me inside, slipping the key card inside his pocket and carrying me along the path of rooms.

As soon as we entered, we were greeted by a warm light that emanated from a lamp sitting on a table in the middle of the living room. It was sparsely decorated but cute, very modern. To the right was the bedroom and to the left was a small kitchen and bathroom.

Edward led us inside and sat me down on a couch. He sat next to me and took my hand.

I closed my eyes, not saying anything. He didn't either, and the silence surrounded us carefully, as if one of us shifted, everything would collapse.

Finally, he spoke. "What's your name?"

I bit my lip. "Isabella."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty."

"Why were you on that bridge?"

Well, that's direct.

There were so many reasons I was on the bridge. So many reasons why I almost jumped. I gave him the biggest.

"I was alone."

He was quiet for a moment. "Elaborate."

I paused, confused. "What do you mean? I've been alone for a long, long time now."

He shook his head and sighed. "Not what I meant. How are you alone? How did you get to be this way?"

My chest ached, bringing back my memories. I shook my head furiously, keeping my mouth shut and trying not to cry.

"Isabella, I want to help you, and the only way I can is if I know you, what you're all about, why I'm helping you in the first place."

I took a deep breath, "Um. Well," I said, trying to control my trembling lip. "My parents died four years ago in a car crash and my sister died of a drug overdose two years ago."

He raised an eyebrow, squeezing my hand. "Friends? Other family?"

"I was home schooled, so, no friends, really. All my other family was dead before I was born besides my grandmother who passed away when I was two. I'm telling you, there's nobody for me," I cried, tears finally falling.

He took his hand from mine and before I could protest, wrapped it around me and pulled me closer to him.

"I'm almost sure I know the answer to this one, but are you on anything? Drugs?" he whispered to me.

I shook my head again, the motion sharp and quick. "I learned my lesson when my sister died. I stopped when she was gone."

Edward let out a shuddering, uneven breath. "Alright. Okay. Just… one more. Then we can sleep. What were you on?"

I was the one who had trouble breathing now. "Meth," I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning back.

And the word brought me back. It brought me back to the wonders and horrors of Methamphetamine. I could remember how wonderful it felt, how much I wanted more and more. But after a few weeks… it just went downhill. I was spending all my money, the side effects were getting to me, but my sister just kept going… kept smoking.

We were silent for what felt like an eternity.

"And… you're sure you aren't on any right now?" he whispered.

"Yes."

We both sighed, him from relief and me from desperation.

"Alright, uh, why don't you get in the shower? You must be freezing," he suggested nervously. "You can sleep afterward."

My eyes lit up at the mention of a shower. I couldn't remember the last time I had had a nice, warm shower. I nodded furiously.

He smiled slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes. "The bathroom is through that door," he said as he pointed. "There should be a fresh pile of towels in there. I'll get you some clothes to wear for afterward."

"Thank you," I whispered, my voice cracking. "Thank you so much." I knew he knew it wasn't just for the shower.

I quickly walked into the bathroom and closed the door, leaning against it. I slid down the side and closed my eyes, putting my hands over my face.

How did tonight end up being such a disaster? So many possible answers to that question…

Was it when it was there. In front of me. Being offered to me. Free. Alec looked up at me.

"So do you want it, or not?" he'd asked.

The meth.

Or was it that time I was looking up at him, my knees being scraped against the floor, uncomfortable with his hands in my hair, my mouth on his disgusting dick.

The… fellatio.

Maybe it was when rain started to fall as soon as I stepped outside. 'Great. No meth, no satisfaction, no home, no family. And now, rain.' I'd thought.

The rain.

The loneliness.

The fear.

The addiction.

Any one of those could be the answer to my question. But I didn't want to think about any of that now. So, I stripped out of my clothes, trying to think of anything but myself. Sports. Algebra. German. I got in the shower, turning the water up as high and as hot as it would go, grinning as I took my first shower in… who knows how long? I washed the endless grime off my body and washed my hair. Twice.

After I had finished cleaning myself, I stayed in the shower until the water had started to cool. I finally stepped out and dried myself, pulled on a robe that was hanging on one of the hooks opposite the sink. I looked at myself in the foggy mirror and found my cleanliness acceptable for now.

I stepped out of the bathroom to see Edward sitting on the couch, running his hands through his hair. He turned around quickly to see me standing there. He stood up.

"Here," he said, stretching out a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants for me to see. "Put these on and get into bed."

I suddenly realized my hunger. I hadn't eaten anything in… two days?

I hesitated. I didn't want to ask him to make something for me.

"Something wrong?" he asked softly, the original voice he had used on me coming out again.

I hesitated once more before shaking my head. My stomach betrayed me.

He set his mouth in a firm line. "That's right. You must be hungry. When was the last time you ate?" he asked, already setting off for the kitchen.

"Um… like, Thursday?" I said, my voice high and unsure.

Edward's eyes widened. "Thursday? Are you serious?"

I nodded uncertainly.

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Not enough money."

He looked half tortured. His hand stretched out for me. "Come."

I hesitantly stepped toward him, lifting my hand just enough so he could grab it from the air and bring me towards to kitchen.

He had me sit down on a bar stool facing the rest of the kitchen as he prepared food. There wasn't much in the cabinets, only some bread and dairy products.

He started up right away, doing things so quickly I could barely register. Soon enough, he had a grilled cheese in front of me, smelling so divine that I couldn't remember what my name was.

I dug in right away, probably looking like a pig. But I didn't care. I was just so hungry.

When I finished, I looked up at him and smiled a thank you. He nodded at me, his eyes turning up at the corners.

I wiped my mouth with my hand and frowned. "Are you going to eat something?"

He shook his head with a grim look. "I'm fine. Go get dressed."

I nodded, rushing into the living room to get my clothes and then back into the bathroom to change into the pants and t-shirt he had provided for me.

When I came back out, I went straight into the bedroom to find him sitting on a chair that was facing the bed. I stood there, frozen, not completely sure what to do.

Edward stood up, standing in front of me. "Are you tired?"

I shook my head.

"Good. I'd like to ask you a few more questions. Get into the bed," he ordered.

Jeez, he was a bossy one.

I climbed onto the bed, pulling the covers down and then on top of me, watching him then sit back down in the chair.

He ran his hands through his hair.

"Ah… where to start? Alright. What's your full name?" he asked. His voice softer than before, less angry and demanding.

I cleared my throat. "Isabella Marie Swan."

He nodded. "Where was the last place you lived? Excuse me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming that you do not have a current residence."

I nodded. "The last place I lived was here in Port Angeles but I grew up in Forks. Do you know it?"

He smiled slightly, nodding. "I was just going to visit my parents who live there when I found you," he whispered, trailing off.

I swallowed and turned away, trying to think about anything but me. "Who are your parents? I probably know them."

"Carlisle and Esme Cullen. My mother is an interior decorator and my father is a-"

"A doctor, yeah I know. He patched me up many times," I whispered, blushing. "I think I'm tired now."

"Wait a second. So you know my father. Why did he never report you missing?" Edward asked, suddenly angry.

I shrugged. "I was just another patient, albeit I was one he knew well, it wasn't like it was his responsibility to tell the world that I suddenly stopped getting injured," I paused, "which wasn't true."

Edward shook his head. "Still… my father would never ignore something like that."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter now." A thought occurred to me. "Don't you have to see your parents?"

He thought for a moment. "I'm not going to leave you here alone, so not right now. They can wait a day or two. I'll tell them I needed a break…"

I nodded.

"One more thing," he whispered, looking at his hands. "Do you want me to tell anyone… do anything?"

I paled. "No. Not… no. Please just keep this to yourself. What I was going to do tonight… that never leaves either of our mouths. Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay. I can live with that." He looked me over. "Now go to sleep. You must be exhausted."

I nodded and slid down, further under the covers. Very quietly, I muttered "Thank you" one more time.

And I fell into a quiet and dreamless sleep.