Alex breezed into the squad room like the last breath of cool air before a thunderstorm. With her customarily sure stride, she ignored Munch's called greeting and Elliot's raised eyebrows as she marched directly to Olivia's desk. As she walked, Alex maintained her calm expression with an ironclad effort. She was a mixture of jelly-like worry and red hot anger but those emotions were for Olivia alone, not for the rest of the department. She had only heard about the standoff at JFK through the wildly active office grapevine and she thought she could kill Olivia herself for neglecting to call her directly. Olivia had allowed a drug dealer to hold a gun to her head and had narrowly avoided being shot by Porter's lucky sharp shooting and she couldn't even be bothered to pick up a phone. Alex's knees trembled but she simply pressed her lips tightly together as she grasped Olivia's shoulder and yanked back.
All thoughts of cruel words faded from Alex's mind instantly as she laid eyes on the startled brunette. Impulsively, her emotions coalescing into frantic near bereavement, Alex bent and awkwardly wrapped both arms around Olivia's shoulders. She pressed the brunette even tighter against her body as she felt Olivia tentatively return her embrace. For a moment, she held perfectly still, her eyes squeezed desperately closed, before she released the still seated woman. Olivia worked her jaw, searching for the right words, and only managed to whisper Alex's name before the blonde cleared her throat and stood to her full height. The worry and tenderness gone from her eyes, Alex looked down at Olivia and spoke clearly. "I'll see you at home, Olivia."
As the tall blonde walked silently from the crowded squad room, again ignoring the surprised glances of officers and detectives, Olivia sank back into her office chair. The room was unusually silent for a moment before Elliot coughed conspicuously. "Let me guess. You didn't call her, did you?" Still gaping, Olivia turned to look at her smirking partner. "That's what I thought," he rumbled in irritated satisfaction. "I made the same mistake with Kathy. Once. Liv, you're screwed."
Olivia tried in vain to freshen up the bouquet of flowers she clutched as she stood before the door to Alex's apartment. She shuddered a little. She could almost feel Alex's iciness through the blank, white door. She hoped the flowers would help but, looking at the drooping petals, her heart failed. It was damn near impossible to find fresh flowers in Manhattan after dark; all she had managed to obtain were the day's leftovers, the ones no one else would buy. Oh well, she sighed to herself. It was the best she could do on short notice. She shoved the key in the lock and let herself in.
Instantly, she was struck still and silent by Alex's cold stare. The blonde stood tall and stiff at the entrance to the living room, her only outward sign of real anger displayed in the tightness of her crossed arms. Slowly and nervously, Olivia closed the door behind her and offered the flowers in a gesture of regret and apology but her actions seemingly went unnoticed by her girlfriend. Searching wildly for something to placate the steely blonde, Olivia forced herself to speak. "Alex, I'm sorry. I just…" Before she could finish her thought, however, Alex forcefully cut her short.
"I don't want to hear it, Olivia. I don't believe you and I'm not interested in wasting my time with your excuses. There's only one thing I want from you tonight. Get your collar." Under Alex's harshly spoken words, Olivia wilted and let her hands fall to her sides. She hesitated for a moment, unsure if she was willing to submit to Alex tonight. The utter lack of emotion in Alex's posture and words unsettled her. But when Alex barked, "Now," Olivia's body leapt into action without a second thought.
Alex turned aside to allow Olivia to pass before following slowly and stiffly. She was furious. She had been unimaginably frightened, terrified that she had actually lost the brunette to some mad man with a gun, and she wasn't ready to forgive Olivia for her carelessness. Olivia would have to earn her forgiveness. She kept her expression stoic and cold as Olivia quickly returned though the shame and skittishness in her girlfriend's stride tugged a little at her temporarily hardened heart.
Taking the leather collar, Alex roughly turned Olivia away from her with a grasp on the brunette's shoulder and wound the collar brusquely around her throat. She buckled and locked it into place a little more tightly than she normally would, but not so tight as to hamper Olivia's breathing. She wanted to frighten the brunette like she had been frightened, not to do actual harm. Mentally reinforcing her impenetrable façade, Alex shoved Olivia forward into the living room, prodding her to continue until they were in the center of the rug. Alex clenched her fingers on Olivia's shoulder and pushed down, snarling, "On your knees." When Olivia again hesitated, Alex spun her around so that they were face to face. Giving Olivia a moment to take in her icily angry expression, Alex drew her hand back and slapped her girlfriend across the face. Instantly, Olivia's cheek reddened and she dropped without hesitation to her knees. She now understood clearly that, tonight, Alex had no patience for disobedience.
"Stay," Alex growled. "Take off your coat." She strode away from the kneeling woman, confident that Olivia would obey, and entered the bedroom. Yanking open a dresser drawer, sufficiently loudly so that Olivia would be able to hear, Alex rifled through their various toys. Once she held the items she needed, she returned to the living room, coldly satisfied that Olivia still knelt, eyes downcast, her jacket in a pile on the carpet. Alex dropped her items on the coffee table and wrapped her hand around the back of Olivia's neck. Cruelly, she used all of her strength to shove Olivia forward so that the brunette fell, startled, to the floor. Gasping, Olivia caught herself on her hands but was again surprised when she felt Alex's hands around her wrists, yanking her hands behind her. Alex lifted Olivia arms until her girlfriend yelped in pain and arched forward to relieve the pressure. She continued until Olivia's cheek was pressed into the carpet. "Stay down," she hissed, waiting to ease her grasp until she was certain that Olivia would comply.
Gracefully, Alex moved around the prone woman until she knelt at her side. Deliberately, but with great care, Alex settled one knee on the back of Olivia's neck, pressing down to remind the brunette of her place. Balancing, Alex reached for the neat bundle of rope she had retrieved from the bedroom. Unfurling it and doubling it in her hands, Alex set to work. She wanted Olivia helpless. Only then could she make her feelings clear to the brunette.
Winding the rope deftly around Olivia's arms, binding elbow to elbow and wrist to wrist, Alex had to fight to ignore her girlfriend's trembling. She had a plan and Alex Cabot wasn't one to deviate from a plan. Once she had set her mind to a task, she would always finish. Tonight was no exception. No amount of shuddering or shaky breathing on Olivia's part would deter her. Only the safe word would stop her in her tracks and she listened carefully for it. As long as Olivia refrained from stopping her, Alex would follow through.
Olivia tried to breathe deeply to calm herself as Alex bound her arms securely behind her back though the knee pressing down on her neck made even that small relief difficult. This unusual cruelty – the tightness of her collar, the lack of tender or teasing words, the businesslike deliberateness of Alex's shoves – frightened Olivia. She fought to remain still but couldn't help her trembling under Alex's unfamiliar touch. There was little of the warm lover in Alex's eyes when she looked at Olivia and that lack of feeling tightened Olivia's chest. Something was very wrong. Briefly, she considered using her safe word but a small voice told her not to. Alex needed this, needed something from her, and Olivia was hesitant but willing to give it. She would wait out this cold mood, certain that her familiar, loving Alex would come back to her soon.
Eventually, the pressure on her neck lifted and Olivia tensed, ready to sit up and stretch her already cramping shoulders but Alex's hand and flashing blue eyes pushed her back down. As Alex's attention turned to the coffee table, Olivia used the opportunity to test the ropes binding her arms. They were tight, maybe a little too tight, but again the tiny voice reminded Olivia not to speak out. There was desperation in Alex's actions and Olivia was wary. For the time being, submission was the only option she could swallow. She adjusted her position to ease the strain on unused muscles but her attempts were interrupted by Alex fingers fisting viciously in her short hair.
Using only her grip in Olivia's hair, Alex dragged her girlfriend upright until she could kneel steadily on her own. With a brutal yank, she jerked Olivia's head so that they faced each other. Staring down at her uneasy girlfriend, Alex spoke quietly in a commanding voice. "You kept me in the dark this afternoon, Olivia. I had to hear from a secretary that Rojas had a gun to your head and that someone had been killed. Do you understand how that made me feel?" She paused, waiting for a response. Olivia only looked back, her expression regretful and tender, and parted her lips.
"Alex, I'm sor…" Alex snarled and released her grip on Olivia's hair. Drawing her hand back, she again slapped Olivia, harder this time.
"All I want to hear from you is 'Yes, ma'am' or 'No, ma'am.' Is that understood?" Olivia lowered her eyes quickly and nodded again.
"Yes, ma'am," she murmured shakily.
Alex laughed, the sound joyless and harsh in the silent apartment. "I don't believe you. I think you deserve a taste of your own medicine." She paused to pick something up from the coffee table. "Look at me," she barked sharply. Olivia instantly obeyed, whipping her head up to look at Alex's stern face. "You kept me in the dark so I think you need to be in the dark for a while." Olivia's eyes flickered to the object in Alex's hand and she shook her head, the gesture nearly imperceptible. It was the blindfold, the one she hated. It was impossible to dislodge and allowed no light to pass, not even a corner of reassuring light. And, behind the blonde, Olivia could clearly see the other items Alex had brought with her. Olivia's heart sank and she shuddered violently. This was the punishment she feared above all others: to be left utterly alone in the darkness.
Alex's growl brought her back to her senses and she returned her gaze reluctantly to Alex's blue eyes. She pleaded silently for the blonde to relent without her having to use her safe word. She was frightened of being punished but she was more frightened of the ice in Alex's face. More than anything, she wanted to avoid the disappointment and sorrow she suspected were hiding behind her girlfriend's brittle, emotionless façade. So, hiding her fear behind her own wavering façade, Olivia whispered, "Yes, ma'am."
Without a word, Alex wrapped the blindfold over Olivia's eyes, though she noticed the flickering fear and regret there before they were hidden. She took a moment to ensure that the blindfold was firmly in place before continuing. With strong fingers, she grasped Olivia's jaw tightly, forcing it open and shoving a long, thick gag forcefully between the brunette's trembling lips. She brutally pushed her growing feelings of pity away as she buckled the gag in place, yanking the straps until the rubber was irresistibly deep in Olivia's mouth. Still gripping her girlfriend's jaw, she turned Olivia's head to speak directly into her ear.
"You're going to stay where I leave you until I give you permission to move. You'll think about how scared I was this afternoon, when I thought you might have been shot or killed. You'll think about how you should have called me before I had to hear about it through the gossips at work. Nod if you understand." Olivia nodded against the stiff grip on her jaw and Alex released her. Reaching again to the coffee table, Alex picked up a set of noise-canceling headphones. These were the best on the market. Alex had bought them months ago so that she could focus on her work in the sometimes noisy environment of the D.A.'s office. She knew exactly how effective they were. She settled them over Olivia's ears, ignoring the brunette's frightened and quickly suppressed whimper, and again placed her hand on the back of Olivia's neck. With steady pressure, she forced Olivia to bend until her cheek was pressed against the carpet.
Alex dabbed at her eyes yet again with a crumpled wad of toilet paper and leaned from her precarious seat on the edge of the bathtub to drop it into the garbage can. With Olivia safe in the apartment, Alex had finally let herself go emotionally. The tears had come before she made it to the bathroom, blurring her vision and wetting her cheeks even as she stood over her girlfriend's bent form. She stumbled into the small bathroom and collapsed as she was overwhelmed. That afternoon, as soon as she had heard the mention of a gun and a female SVU detective, Alex had known – just known – that Olivia was hurt. Or worse. It was a reality that Alex had convinced herself she could live with, the chance that Olivia would be hurt or killed in the line of duty. She, of all people, should understand the dangers inherent in Olivia's job. But none of her understanding had prepared her for the emotions that swamped her at the mere hint that something had happened to her girlfriend. And when Olivia failed to call, Alex had only grown more certain that she had lost the love of her life. So, when she found that the perp had been shot and Olivia was unharmed, the wild emotions had crashed down upon Alex's shoulders and she had managed to hold herself together only through the force of her fury.
Waiting for Olivia to come home, Alex had carefully schooled her raging emotions into a single blade of cold sternness. This could never happen again; Alex couldn't stand it. She simply couldn't bear the conflicting feelings of worry, anger, and relief. She would worry and rage when the time came for her to do so, not simply because Olivia failed to let her know she was fine. Blowing her nose, Alex almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of her thoughts: if Olivia pulled another stunt like that, Alex would personally put her in the hospital. Then she would have something to worry about. Sniffling a last time, Alex checked her watch. She had been hiding and sobbing in the bathroom for more than thirty minutes. It was time to get this over with. She was tired and she really only wanted to hold Olivia in her arms for a while. But first, the lesson had to be driven home.
Quickly, Alex splashed cold water on her face and dabbed it away with a towel. Close enough, she thought to herself; Olivia wouldn't be able to see her anyway. She walked determinedly back through the bedroom to the living room, grimly gratified to see that Olivia remained exactly where Alex had left her. The only change was Olivia's more ragged breathing and the readily visible shaking of her shoulders. Setting her expression in stone, Alex bent and gripped Olivia's hair, yanking her upright and disregarding Olivia's sharp cry of surprise and pain. With unrelenting pressure, Alex forced Olivia to her feet, releasing her grip only when she was sure the brunette was reasonably steady. Lowering her hands to the waistband of Olivia's slacks, she gave her disconcerted girlfriend a chance to guess at what was about to happen before she unbuttoned the slacks and jerked them down around her knees. Olivia gasped around the muffling gag as her panties quickly followed suit and Alex again buried her hand in her short hair. Using only her grasp at the back of Olivia's head, Alex guided the brunette's shuffling steps towards the sofa. She sat and, with her hands on the blind woman's arm and back, coaxed Olivia to bend over her knee.
Satisfied from Olivia's nearly silent whimpers that she fully understood that she was being punished, Alex drew her hand back and brought it down against Olivia's bottom. The sound was deafening to Alex in the quiet apartment and she brought her hand up to hit Olivia again. She continued for a long time, keeping her rhythm steady and predictable. Olivia was already disoriented enough and this was punishment, meant to hurt and frighten, not excite. Finally, when Olivia's flesh was bright and hot to the touch and Alex felt her hand could take no more, she pushed Olivia away. Unsteady, Olivia stumbled and would have fallen to her knees if Alex hadn't caught her. Gently, Alex steadied her girlfriend and reached to pull her slacks back up and re-button them. With hands on her shoulders, Alex turned Olivia around and quickly unknotted the ropes binding her arms, letting the rope drop to the floor. She made short work of the headphones, the blindfold and the gag, tossing them aside in favor of taking Olivia's hands in her own and rubbing the feeling back into them.
Alex ducked her head to catch Olivia's shamefully downcast eyes. "Look at me, Olivia," she said quietly and more gently than before. Olivia slowly raised her head and Alex kept her expression calm. "I wanted you to understand how I felt. Do you understand now?"
Olivia's eyes flickered briefly away as she answered in the barest whisper. "Yes, ma'am."
Alex released Olivia's hands and reached to cup the brunette's cheeks in her palms, quickly hiding her wince at how tender Olivia's cheek felt. "Is there anything you want to say to me, Olivia?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am." Alex had to strain to hear the response but she did and she let herself relax.
"Alright, Olivia. You've been punished and forgiven. Now come here. I was so worried, Olivia. Don't ever scare me like that again." As she spoke, she moved to sit on the couch and opened her arms in invitation. Olivia sat gratefully, discretely working her aching muscles and frowning in sudden remembered pain as she gingerly rested on her sore backside. She was glad it was over and even more glad that Alex was once again the gentle, careful woman Olivia loved. Though she was no stranger to Alex's moods and her flare for dominance, this display had been unprecedented. She really understood now how frightened Alex must have been and the thought warmed her heart. Alex was usually so controlled but the mere thought that Olivia had been hurt was enough to crack that tough control and turn the blonde into a frantic mess. As she curled into Alex's comforting embrace, Olivia touched her collar with one hand and reached to caress Alex's cheek with the other. She was a little surprised to find wetness there and the kind of heat that could only come from tears but she continued to brush her fingertips over smooth skin and she smiled weakly. Only love could drive someone this mad.