Forget Me Not

Holby City belongs to the BBC.

I look at Harry, he's coming up to a year old - learning to walk and growing stronger by the day. I love a being a father to him, the slightest thing he does fills me with immense pride. He's a very contented baby with lots of smiles and giggles. He looks at me with a trust in his eyes. I pick him up and stretch my arms out and do aeroplane noises, which I know Harry likes, he giggles with approval. He's got a very cheeky glint in his eyes. I know it won't be long before he's walking and grabbing everything he sees. I will need eyes in the back of my head. I put Harry down on the mat, he needs his nappy changing, and then a nap.

I place Harry in his cot, he watches the mobile swing gently above him. It's not long before he's fast asleep. I carefully get up and walk out. I leave the door ajar just enough for me to hear him if he wakes up. I have a baby monitor, but for some reason I prefer to just trust my own ears.

Today is my day off, my working hours are flexible I am not tied down running the clinic. There is no doubt about it being less stressful. I can spend more time with my son. Of course there are some things I miss. Well when I say some things, it is more like 'someone'. I really do miss Jac, we'd grown closer then I ever could have possibly imagined during the latter part of my time at Holby City General, in the end she was the person I knew I could trust - which is somewhat ironic given our turbulent history. My feelings for Jac have always been apparent to me. Even when I tried to deny them, even when she seemed hell bent on destroying my life. I remember a time when just being around her made me boil with hatred. The lowest point being when she taunted me and my family on the day of my father's funeral. I look back on that moment with much remorse, and a great deal of shame. For a man to raise his hands to a woman, it was totally unacceptable - even if at that time in my mind, I was defending my family and myself against intolerable insults.

Deep down I always knew there was more to Jac then a dry wit, and a very sharp tongue. That was just a shield to protect herself with, when we were first together you could see she was wary. She always felt more at ease with a scalpel in her hand. Jac always wants to be in charge, at first I just assumed she was a control freak. But it ran deeper than just her ego. In one of our earlier conversations she admitted her childhood had been far from ideal, she said that she never really felt a sense of belonging anywhere. It just became easier to close herself off.

The day I left, her normally steely unbreakable shield shattered. She had finally let me in, let herself love, and perhaps more importantly be loved. I myself was surprised by the strength and depth of love I felt for Jac. I had never even felt that way for the mother of my child. By asking Jac to come with me I thought it was the last barrier we had to cross in order to become the family I thought we both derserved to be. I can of course understand why she refused to come with me. I know how much I was asking, for her to give up everything. I didn't want to lose her. The look in Jac's eyes was heartbreaking, portraying a vulnerability and compassion that she had kept hidden. The last few weeks I was with her proved, if I had any small doubts left, she does love me, and I do love her. So much...

I get up to deal with some mail on the kitchen table, I go through the letters one by one. Most are bills or junk mail. The last one is handwritten. The postmark says Holby. I open the letter and read it's contents.

Dear Joseph,

I am not used to writing a letter, people always use email these days. Anyway I just thought I'd ask how you and Harry are settling in Cumbria? He must be growing up so fast, and no doubt giving you plenty of sleepless nights. As for me I'm up to my neck in work, just as well really it helps keep my mind off you. I've never regretted any decision I've made in life - up to this point. Time will tell I guess whether that will change. I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I saw you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. I knew letting you go wouldn't be easy, but it's been so much harder than I thought. Anyway I better go - before I go all soppy (I hate it.)

Give Harry a kiss from me.

Jac

xx

I know it's only a letter but it seems so much more. Can I really stay away from Jac for the rest of my life?

This is a follow on from Shattered Dreams, I don't know whether to leave it as a one shot, let me know.