Summary: In the aftermath of the Valentine's day fiasco, it's been proving difficult for Finn to sort out his feelings once and for all. But when he's finally worked out what he truly wants, will it be too late?
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of it's characters, I do however borrow them occasionally and make them bend to my will for my own amusement and... hopefully... yours =).
Reviews are like love and oxygen =).
Pairing: Finn/Quinn
Finn was practically beside himself. Having been ordered onto a chair because Kurt had quickly grown tired of him pacing up and down the room, he was left having to sit still - Kurt had also put a stop to the leg tapping - with the thoughts in his head still buzzing around. He had barely slept in the last two weeks, running over almost every detail of his life from the day he met Quinn Fabray for the first time, to his first Glee Club rehearsal with Rachel Berry. He ran through Quinn's pregnancy, the constant conflict of feelings between her and Rachel, the pain when he had found out that Puck was the father... every moment of his relationship with Rachel, and the pain when she too had gone to his best friend. He landed finally on the moments that had happened only weeks before, lingering looks across the football field, and a kiss that changed everything. If it hadn't been for that one kiss, there wouldn't have followed a second, or a third and he wouldn't be sat here unable to do a damn thing about his situation; thoughts of blonde hair and a smile like a summer breeze, merging with brunette and eyes like starlight, across every inch of his mind. It was infuriating, it was never ending, and he was tired of it.
He wanted to blame Quinn. Wanted to shout and scream at her for kissing him that day. Why did she have to make everything so damned difficult. He'd been doing fine, he was the star quarterback again, peace and unity had settled in Glee Club, he could be single or have any girl he wanted and she screwed that up. From the moment her lips touched his, and those feelings he still had for her roared back to life. Feelings he had openly admitted were still there, but hadn't dared examine any further than that, it was too terrifying to contemplate just how much he still cared for Quinn Fabray and so he simply hadn't; thinking that one day he would leave her behind and never have to think about her again. Deep down he knew that was a lie. Even before she kissed him he thought about her often; just little things. Like if they were sitting in Glee Club and she started playing with Sam's hair, he could almost feel the way she used to do the same to him, fingers dancing lightly across the back of his neck. Or if he had passed her in the corridor, her cheerio's uniform a splash of vivid red and white against the dull coloured outfits of her peers, thoughts of how much nicer she had looked in her normal clothes back when... but his mind always stopped there. It always stopped before it reached Beth; but that wasn't the case any more. Now everything flowed through his mind; everything that had happened in the last two years, bar nothing. Because of her. Because she told him to think about it.
But he couldn't blame her, and it was stupid to try, because in the end this was his fault. He'd created this mess. She walked away from him that day, and made it perfectly plain that it was a mistake; that she was with Sam now, and happy to keep it that way. He'd behaved like a spoilt child in trying to get her to kiss him again, but he'd needed to know... no, he had wanted to know, and not just about his own feelings but hers too. Sure he hadn't forced her to kiss him, but he might as well have. He knew now he should have just let things lie, reawakening those feelings again, it was a perfect recipe for heartache; again. But he just hadn't been able too.
On top of all the confusion he felt, his newly restored self confidence had gone to his head, made him believe he could do or have anything without consequences. Made him think he was above Sam, that he somehow had the right to find where he stood with Quinn. She had been right that day he had chased her through the hallways, hellbent on stopping her from leaving Glee; he was naive. Stupid and selfish, and naive. Not to mention the world's biggest hypocritical ass. Hadn't he raved at both girls about how much they had hurt him by doing precisely what he had lead Quinn to do to Sam?
So no, he could not blame Quinn for the kisses, nor all these feelings and thoughts that they had awoken in him. He took the blame entirely on himself.
What he could blame her for was leaving things hanging.
It had been nearly a month since the first kiss, three weeks since the final one... the one that had given them mono and caused Quinn to call everything to a halt. She had been right to do so of course, and Finn was glad she at least had the strength to do it; but she hadn't so much as glanced at him since, and the whole thing was becoming unbearable. Each night he went to bed with her words spinning in his head, telling him to sort out his feelings between her and Rachel, telling him she needed to sort out her feelings for him and Sam. He couldn't make sense of anything, no matter how hard he might try. Rachel was amazing, he'd always known that, even back when he first met her and thought she was kind of terrifying, he had always admired her spirit, strength and drive... and she was beautiful, he hadn't been lying when he told her that. She was always comparing herself to other girls, and saying she wasn't as pretty as them, but Finn disagreed, to him she was truly beautiful. She ignited this need to protect in him, even when he was still angry at her for cheating on him with Puck. But Quinn was... well she was just Quinn.
That wasn't entirely true... Quinn, there were a lot of specific things that Finn liked about Quinn. Especially now, she had changed so much, become such a strong person. The light in her eyes shone a hundred times brighter than when they had been together before. But none of those specific things seemed to matter and he didn't feel he could list them the way he did with Rachel. He knew he loved Rachel though and that's where things got confusing, because it was a feeling both different and the same as his feelings for Quinn and he couldn't for the life of him seperate one from the other and give each the correct label.
A sigh broke through his lips and a very sudden - and very loud - thud brought him swiftly back to earth. Looking up sharply he saw Kurt glaring at him from his desk, his hand resting on a large, closed textbook.
"What did I do now?" He snapped, growing rather tired of Kurt criticising his every little move; it was, after all, his room too, and if he needed to be thoughtful, he damn well would be.
"You're self pity is highly distracting Finn," Kurt drawled back, his hand sliding off the book, "Why won't you just tell me what's wrong, then maybe I can help... and then maybe I can get my homework done without you sighing every five seconds and breaking my concentration,"
Finn stared at his step-brother for a moment. They did say a problem shared was a problem halved... but on the other hand Finn wasn't sure that this particular problem didn't just add extra problems with each person he told. It wasn't until Kurt's look of annoyance melted away and was replaced with a look of genuine concern as he cross the room to sit across from Finn, that he decided that perhaps it would be best to talk it out. So he spent the next half an hour relaying every detail of the last few weeks, trying to ignore Kurt's wide eyed reactions to each shocking confession.
"... and now it's been three weeks and I don't have a clue what I'm feeling and, I don't even know if Quinn has done anything. I mean her and Sam are still together and... she won't even look at me!" He finished, feeling flustered. Kurt stared at him thoughtfully for a long while.
"Finn," He began, after what seemed an age, "First off, I think you realise that you've been a complete idiot so... I won't dwell on that," Finn nodded, his gaze slipping to the floor between them in shame. "You and Quinn have a lot of history Finn... it's normal for there to be some lingering feelings there..."
"No!" Finn said firmly, shaking his head, though he was still looking down at the floor. Honestly he had been over that thought again and again in his head and it simply didn't sit right. "It's not just that, it's not like it's just a memory you know? It's not everything she was... well it is, but, it's everything she is right now too," he closed his eyes, immediately seeing Quinn's face breaking into a smile; and he felt himself smile a little too. "All those old feelings, they're there you know, but... there's all this new stuff as well, things I didn't even know I really cared about until... well when..."
"When she kissed you?"
"Not just then... it came with things she said, how she acted... just, everything about her."
"And Rachel?"
Finn jumped slightly, opening his eyes again and looking up at Kurt, "I... I don't know." he admitted, "Rachel is... special. She's so special, and beautiful and I do love her... I think, I mean I definitely really really care about her. She and I, we had our problems but... I never stopped caring you know, or believing in her, but I don't know that means" he let out a long, steady breath as Kurt seemed to analyse him. As if the answer was written in ink across his face. Finn kind of wished that that was the case, it would make this whole thing so much easier.
"Finn can I be frank?" Kurt said after a few minutes of just staring hard at him. Finn nodded, hoping that whatever Kurt said wasn't just going to delve him ever deeper into confusion. Sometimes when Kurt said stuff it went over Finn's head a little.
"It sounds to me that you've already decided," he concluded, but as Finn's signature vacant look began to take over his features, Kurt continued, "Think about it Finn, who was it that you were so sure of your feelings for, no hesitations or wondering?" A look of comprehension finally began to dawn on Finn's face.
"It's okay to care about other people, even to love them. But it seems to me that there is only one person for whom you have feelings you didn't feel you had to justify, didn't have to bring up arguments for, feelings that you were just certain of,"
Finn could have hugged Kurt; except that he was rooted to his spot. It all suddenly seemed so simple, so easy, and he couldn't believe that he had spent so long questioning it. But then, surely it wasn't meant to be that way, wasn't meant to be so simple... but it was. It was and it was like a curtain had been lifted from before his eyes, finally allowing him to see the truth. He now knew what he had to do, and he only wished he had come to this realisation at a more reasonable hour. Ah well, it would just have to wait one more night, it had waited this long right? He could only hope the next few hours didn't bring an unwanted curve-ball at the last moments. By the time he had full connection between his brain and his limbs again Kurt had disappeared back to his desk, and had his head buried back into his textbook. Finn smiled at his back, "Thanks," he called, receiving nothing but a wave of the hand in response.
Finn had been dashing around the school all morning, trying to get Quinn on her own long enough to request a proper talk, but she seemed to be doing everything in her power to prevent him from achieving his goal. Every time one Glee member left her side, she found another an instant later. One good thing was that she and Sam hadn't been joined at the hip all day as per usual, but then, Finn hadn't actually seen Sam at all so far so it was possibly he was just off sick or something. Either way, it meant the perfect opportunity for Finn to catch Quinn alone without worrying about Sam bursting in. He'd learnt his lesson, and he wasn't planning on doing anything but talking, but it certainly made it easier not having Quinn's boyfriend constantly on the watch.
However as it neared the end of the day with no result, Finn was beginning to get a little frustrated. Quinn was the one who wanted to hold things off until they sorted their feelings, and okay she might not have, but didn't he deserve to be heard out? Well... he supposed, maybe after how he acted, he kind of didn't 'deserve' anything, still, he felt that he needed to get things out in the open here; and frankly he thought Quinn needed him to do so as well. Finally as the day was about to draw to a close, he managed to corner Mercedes and convince her to get Quinn to talk to him in the club room at the end of the day. She had raised an eyebrow at him, but had surprisingly not made any fuss about it, simply agreeing to do what she could.
However, on his way to the club room after the last bell sounded, Mercedes caught up with him to inform him that Quinn had told her, to tell him, that she wouldn't be meeting him. When he questioned her further and found out that when she had left her, Quinn had been ready to head over to Sam's, Finn had sprinted away mid-sentence; leaving a confused Mercedes behind, in his desperation to catch Quinn before she could get into her car. He must have knocked several people over as he fought his way through the crowded corridors, but really he hadn't noticed. All that he could hear in his head was a constant voice that told him he needed to talk to Quinn before she went to see Sam today, that this could be his only chance and telling him off for being a slow idiot about figuring out his feelings.
As he burst out of the crowd and into the school car park he looked around frantically. It took a couple of sweeps, but finally his eyes landed on blonde curls that he would know anywhere. She was already at her car, the door was open, but she had her phone out and was clearly texting someone. When she lowered it and made to get into the car, Finn had the brief, insane, notion of calling her to tell her to wait. He quickly reasoned that if she didn't want to speak to him, she sure as hell wouldn't pick up a call, so instead he began to sprint again, calling on all his football training and his freakishly long legs to get him there in time.
Quinn's car had just backed out of it's parking space and was turning to drive away when Finn finally reached it, and practically threw himself infront of it. The sharp high pitched sound of Quinn slamming the break on made almost every nearby head turn in their direction, and Quinn shrieking at him from the window got everyone elses attention.
"Finn! What the Hell are you doing?" It was strange to hear her shout. Quinn rarely raised her voice, she rarely needed too. Finn was breathing too heavily to answer her, and instead moved carefully around the car, keeping close so that she wouldn't just drive away the moment he was clear of the front. He pulled the side door to the passenger seat open and slid in next to her, ignoring her indignant protests. Okay, so maybe he was being just a touch over-dramatic, but if this was the only way he could get her to talk to him, then he didn't exactly care that he had just made a spectacle of himself in front of almost the entire school. Quinn apparently realising that a lot of people were continuing to stare, and that Finn wasn't about to move any time soon, sighed loudly and released the breaks. She drove the car out of the school gates in silence, her eyes glued to the road as though determined to ignore Finn's presence even though he was sat right beside her. They drove onwards for about ten minutes, and Finn absently noticed - between glances to Quinn - that they were heading in the direction of Sam's house. Finally reaching a quiet road, Quinn pulled up to the sidewalk, stopped the car, and turned to face him; a look of steel in her eyes.
"You better have a good reason for scaring the life out of me Finn Hudson! Or you can get out of this car right now!" She snapped, and Finn couldn't help but frown slightly.
"You'd like that right," he muttered.
"What?" Her voice had taken on that low, deadly tone, that she only used when she was really pissed off about something, but for once it didn't bother him, because he was mad too. Really, really mad.
"I said you'd like it if I just got out right?" He shouted, glaring into her eyes, "You've been ignoring me for the last three weeks, and it's been driving me insane!"
"Well what did you expect Finn," She returned, folding her arms across her chest, "We said that nothing was going to happen unless..."
"Unless we sorted out our feelings right?" Finn cut her off, and held up a hand to silence her when she went to reply, "And what if we have, or one of us has... What if I have? You expect me to just sit on that, you don't think it might help you to know what I'm feeling? There's a difference between nothing 'happening' and ignoring each other all this time,"
"I..."
"You thought you could just forget what happened and carry on? Maybe if you ignored me completely you could convince yourself that you love Sam? I didn't think you were like that Quinn, I thought you were so much more than that!" He was really yelling now. In the back of his mind he noticed that a couple of people in their gardens could probably hear them, they were certainly looking in their direction, but he didn't care. Quinn appeared to have noticed as well, because she had shrunk down a little in her seat and was looking nervous.
"That's not..."
"But it doesn't matter, because I'm not going to let you ignore this any more Quinn, because I love you okay!"
The silence that followed was probably the most unbearable of Finn's life. So much rested on the response that Quinn would give him now, everything rested on it. She was staring into her lap right now, a look of pure shock on her face, and Finn took a deep steadying breath and looked down too. This wasn't looking great, and it certainly hadn't gone the way he had intended, he wanted to be rational and really talk about it, but she just, he was just... so frustrated, and hurt that she had refused to talk to him that it all just came flying out.
"Why right now?" She said quietly, and Finn's heart doubled it's pace, he had no idea what this was leading to, and it terrified him.
He swallowed hard before replying, cursing his voice for cracking, "Mercedes said... she said you were going to see Sam today, I just... I wanted to talk to you before that. I was scared... that i'd left it took long, that you would decide to stay with him. You said you wouldn't come to the club room, and so I... I jumped in front of your car, I guess," he finished lamely, his fingers knotting together nervously in his lap. Quinn stared at him for a few moments before she sighed.
"I didn't want to have this conversation until i'd seen Sam,"
Finn looked up at her sharply, "That's why I was worried. Quinn, I love you, I couldn't watch you drive away to see your boyfriend, I needed you to know... so that you had all the facts so that..." but this time she held up a hand to silence him.
"That's not it Finn," she closed her eyes for a moment, and reached a hand up to her head, running her fingers through her hair, "I needed to see Sam because I wanted to be broken up with him before I talked to you again,"
Finn blinked, slowly processing what she had just said. "Oh," was his ever so elequent response. Suddenly he felt very stupid, again, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "Oh," he said again. Quinn just nodded slowly at him, and they sat together in silence.
"So I should just... I'll go..." Quinn just nodded again, as Finn fumbled his way out of her car, shutting the door behind him. Quinn didn't look at him as she started up the engine and pulled away, leaving him stood on the sidewalk staring after her until she disappeared around the corner. He was fairly thankful that they had stopped within walking distance of his house, and after continuing to stare at the corner for another minute or so, he let out a long sigh and turned to head home.
He had only gone a few steps when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket; and he nearly dropped it in his desperation to get it out and flip it open. Finding one new message from Quinn he had to steady himself before opening it, fear of accidently deleting it - as he was prone to doing, the buttons on the stupid thing were all so close together - gripping him. Successfully managing to open the message, a smile spread across his face. Quickly he sent a reply and headed off again; the rest of his journey home he took with the slightest bounce in his step.
Is it okay if I come over... after? Q x
Despite his particularly happy walk home, as he sat in his living room watching the minutes tick by the nerves came flooding back. For all he knew, her breaking up with Sam didn't necessarily mean getting back together with him... it could mean she didn't want to be with anyone right now. Oh God, what if she was just coming over to break it off with him too? Finn didn't think he could handle that, not after finally coming to terms with his feelings for her. How was he supposed to sit in class, or in Glee Club with her just a few feet away, knowing that he wanted her so much and couldn't have her; he didn't think that he would be able to.
He nearly jumped a foot in the air when the doorbell sounded through the house, shooting off the couch and running to the door. He pulled it open so fast that Quinn took a slightly shocked step backwards, staring at him wide eyed. "Sorry," he murmured, placing his hand on the back of his head sheepishly and moving aside so she could come in. He couldn't help but notice that her eyes were slightly red, clearly breaking up with Sam hadn't been easy. He felt suddenly bad, as he closed the door behind her and guided her into the living room, wondering if his interference had made things worse. Quinn took a seat on the couch, which Finn took as a good sign as he took a seat there too, careful to sit neither too close or too far away.
"So..." He began awkwardly, unable to look at her and instead focussing on a bowl of... his mom had called in 'po-purie' - or something like that anyway - that was lying in the middle of the coffee table.
"I broke up with him..." she said quietly, "It was kind of horrible actually... he knew I'd kissed you, well at least once more than the one at the kissing booth. But then that was kind of obvious... with the mono and everything. He..." she sniffed, and the sound made Finn finally look at her; tears were welling up in her already red-rimmed eyes, though she was trying to blink them away. When Finn reached out to hold one of her hands, she quickly used her remaining one to wipe furiously at her face. Quinn didn't like to cry in front of people, it was testament as to just how bad things were when she did. "He er... accused me of just wanting a more popular boyfriend... again," she continued, her voice shaking somewhat, Finn just stared at her, hardly able to believe that Sam could have been going out with her all this time and hardly even know her.
"That's not what this is though Finn, I swear to God," She was almost hysterical when she burst out with this, perhaps mistaking his silence for him considering this possibility. Finn gripped her hand a little tighter in his, and nodded, "Yeah, I know," he said quietly, watching as she took a few breaths to calm herself.
"I realised a while ago... but... I didn't know how you felt, and I was scared to... do anything until I knew, and then I saw you today and you had this determined look on your face, and I just knew. But, I didn't want to talk to you until things were settled with me and Sam, I mean we've been on edge for weeks anyway but... I wanted it to be official you know," She sighed, and laughed lightly, "Then you had to be a stubborn moron and jump in front of a moving vehicle to get my attention," Finn smiled sheepishly, and they lapsed into silence.
"Finn?" Quinn said quietly after a few minutes had passed, he 'hmm'ed in response, glancing over at her. "If we do this, we do it properly okay?" he cocked his head to one side, not entirely sure of what she meant.
"I mean... we don't just leap back in where we left off and pretend like nothing happened, there's a lot of stuff we need to talk about and get out in the open, like exactly what happened between me and Puck, and you and Rachel... Beth... and then, if we're still sure, we do this properly. We go on dates, we take it slowly, because I don't want to make the same mistakes again Finn, okay?"
He nodded, "Okay."
It was a scary thought really, there was an awful lot of stuff from the past to talk about, things that Finn hadn't dealt with himself, never mind ever considered dealing with with Quinn. But she was right, because if this was going to work, they needed to get past everything bad that had happened, or else one day it would just blow up in their faces again. "Right!" He said again, with more determination, "Okay! So we're decided, this is it now? You and me?"
Quinn nodded "You and me. And we agree that we're not going to be stupid teenagers any more okay? Because sometimes we're going to fight, and sometimes your going to have to call me out on being a bitch..."
"And you're going to have to call me out on being arrogant or naive,"
"And we can't let that be a problem any more okay, we agree that if something bothers us, we discuss it, even if that means shouting and screaming; but we don't go behind each others backs for any reason!"
"Right,"
"Right,"
There was a moment where both sat completely still, simply staring at each other, Quinn biting her lip just slightly. Then it passed and she smiled, her tear stained face lighting up, and Finn smiled back, because in that moment they both knew that they could do it. They both realised that this was going to work out, however hard it might be at times.
"Quinn?" he said shifting closer to her and releasing her hand so he could put his arm around her shoulders instead.
"Mmhmm?" She murmured twisting slightly so she fit comfortably against him.
He leaned his head close to hers, and whispered softly into her ear, "Can we be in love again?" She let out a breathy laugh, closing her eyes as her head fell forwards slightly. She leaned away slightly so she could hit him lightly on the arm. "Idiot," she said fondly, before leaning back in again and settling back down with a contented sigh and a smile. "We never really stopped, did we?"
Finn smiled, and rested his head against hers, "No... I guess not,"