Ship Wars

by Rainbowcrystle

Once there was a world where a certain cross-over fandom's characters lived in relative harmony, but that all changed when some newbies came along, and something about them made the fans crazy. SURVIVAL BECAME AN ESSENTIAL SKILL IN MANTAINING MEANINGLESS AND SHALLOW RELATIONSHIPS. Fortunately, there are some crazy people who just might be crazy enough to save everyone's sanity...

The "Rise of the Brave Tangled Frozen Dragons" fandom is in a sorry state, indeed. At first, there wasn't too, too much fighting over shipping (or at least I never saw any), and the only thing that bothered me was a severe lack of originality as far as shipping/story lines went. But otherwise, it was an okay fandom that had many movies I adored in it. However, once Frozen was released, chaos reigned. People began squabbling over the dumbest things- whether or not this or that pairing was somehow "superior" to another. It is in my never humble opinion that most of the ships, particularly some of the most popular (*cough, *cough, JELSA) of this fandom are stupid and detract from the friendships present in the characters and often go so far as to destroy or ignore their characteristics/character development.

Retaliation was neccessary. Especially with all this Jelsa vs. Jackunzel business.

So, please, read and enjoy and review. I am open to any flames. I've got my jumbo bag of marshmellows to roast right here.

(P.S.- Elsa X Netflix is the true superior ship.)

Ship Wars

A Satire by Rainbowcrystle

Cast of Characters

R.C.- the main author of this FanFiction, goofy, energetic, and fun

CELIA- R.C.' more introverted, yet still energetic friend who just wants to watch Netflix- also Sarcasm's right hand woman

FAITH- crazy fangirl who ships Jelsa at all costs

JACK- Winter Spirit and Guardian of Fun who like yelling and doesn't want to marry a mature Ice Queen

PITCH- cooly intelligent yet sassy British boogeyman who kinda doesn't want to be here

ELSA- the Snow Queen we all know who has overcome her fears- must now over come Jelsa

ANNA- Elsa's more outgoing sister with a fierce love of for her sister

KRISTOFF- Anna's 10-second love interest

HANS- villain who just wants to finish his writing in peace

HICCUP- sarcastic dragon-tamer who ends up sidelined with Merida

DAGUR- crazy berserker who eats revenge as a part of a balanced diet (apparently)

RAPUNZEL- outdoors-loving girl who got a much-needed hair cut- seen as a major obstacle to Jelsa's success

EUGENE- Rapunzel's 10-second love interest

MOTHER GOTHEL- sassy villain and Rapunzel's ex-(adopted)mother

MERIDA- Scottish princess who just wants to be single and swing a sword while she shoots arrows into your head- is sadly sidelined with Hiccup in the Jelsa vs. Jackunzel War

MOR'DU- prince who turned himself into a bear; he has manners, rest assured

Setting: Elsa's Ice Palace is stage right, the woods are center, and left is alternately a bedroom and a basement, depending on the scene. Two wagons are offstage and are pulled out to reveal either Rapunzel's tower or Hans's balcony as needed.

(Rise curtain. R.C. enters, carried by PITCH, and is set down spotlighted, center. PITCH exits.)

R.C.

Thank you, my slave. Okay, because I know some people didn't pay attention in their English class (because who needs to learn a language they already speak?), I've decided to come blatantly announce the definition of a satire. A satire is basically any form of literary work that uses humor (usually mockery) to address problems to the greater public in a way they can all have a laugh over, while still trying to bring about change. Sounds like my life. So! Let's get started!

(R.C. exits.)

Scene I

AT RISE: We open at ELSA'S ICE PALACE. RAPUNZEL, ANNA, and MERIDA are fighting over JACK, trying to yank him away from the others.

ALL GIRLS

He's mine! I saw him first! Get yer paws off mah man! I want him! Etc.

JACK

IN HINDSIGHT, I WISH I HAD JUST STAYED INVISIBLE.

(EUGENE, KRISTOFF, HICCUP, and HANS are all fighting over ELSA as they enter onstage.)

ALL GUYS (except JACK)

I want her! She understands me! I like ice! Don't touch my queen! Etc.

ELSA

Oh, Jack! How I wish you could save me from these horribly inaccurate pairings! Oh, woe! Woe!

(RAPUNZEL begins to attack ELSA while the other girls cheer. The boys stand away, oblivious.)

JACK

Elsa! I'll save you!

(JACK shoves RAPUNZEL off of ELSA, pulling the Ice Queen away.)

JACK

Look at yourselves! You are all blinded to your hearts' real desires! Look at what we have done to ourselves. Elsa is the greatest, most amazing girl ever and on one else has so much in common with me. You all have your own true loves! Go! Embrace them! (Throws ice rose petals. One whacks Rapunzel in the head.)

(Everyone tears up; bittersweet smiles cross their faces. The girls run to their guys as they call their names.)

MERIDA

Hiccup!

RAPUNZEL

Eugene!

ANNA

Kristoff!

ALL

No one likes you, Hans!

(HANS runs off in tears.)

ELSA

Finally, Jack, we can be together forever!

(The stage goes dark. A single beam of moonlight shines on ELSA, highlighting her in JACK's arms.)

JACK

Elsa! You can be a Guardian now! You'll be able to marry me!

(They kiss. All cheer in a cheesy, false tone. The other girls kiss their guys. FAITH enters.)

FAITH

And that is my play! Everything ends happily. And CORRECTLY! SO THERE!

(Lights seem like they're about to fade... then R.C. rises out from the stage, center. Plus dramatically. Really dramatically. But in a cool way.)

R.C.

I'M HERE NOW, LOSERS! Dang... that entrance gets me every time. I love theater!

FAITH

HEY! Get off the stage! You're ruining the Jelsa feels!

R.C.

But I don't get it.

FAITH

Don't get what?

R.C.

The... everything.

FAITH

Well, Elsa struggled to claim her true love, which the other girls were fighting over, then their true loves and Jack reminded them of who they really loved, and then Elsa and Jack sgared a kiss to seal their happily-!

R.C.

OH, GOD, THEY KISSED? (She pulls out baby/make-up wipes to wipes their faces.)

FAITH

What are you doing!? THIS PLAY IS PERFECT! Stop messing it up!

R.C.

Well, I need to fix it, obviously! You can't have THIS shown to the public! Jack and Elsa? Rapunzel hating them for it? That's so... dumb and shallow! What the HECK? Are we really trying to re-write Twilight? And even if a FanFiction writer could come up with a legitimate reason for all these different characters coming together, then wouldn't actually KEEPING THEM IN CHARACTER AND HAVING SOLID CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT make the story actually enjoyable to read? (addresses audience) Am I right? (ad lib. response to audience's reaction)

FAITH

My script does have "solid character development!" They fight, their specific love interests show them the correct ending, and they end happily!

R.C.

Okaaaaay... I still think it's sorely underdeveloped. How did the characters even get together?

FAITH

They... found a magic portal?

R.C.

See! Thus is exactly what I'm talking about! Let me help you flesh out the characters more-

FAITH

No! They are perfectly fine! Don't mess up my stuff! You guys! Get off stage! We're done!

(All characters exit, leaving R.C. and FAITH onstage.)

FAITH

Now, YOU get off my stage!

CELIA

(Entering.) Hey, R.C.! Who's this?

R.C.

I don't know; I just met her. But she's really bad at writing. Especially FanFiction, apparently.

FAITH

I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU JERKS. AND MY NAME-

CELIA

(Interrupting and ignoring FAITH) That's unfortunate. I'm sure it's frustrating for you when you want to read GOOD FanFiction.

R.C.

Yeah. I really wish people would stop getting worked up over the fact that they don't like this ship or this ship is better than the other or whatever. I'm over here, like, "All aboard the SS All-Your-Ships-Are-Stupid-Anyways!"

CELIA

Haha! I know, right!

R.C.

Speaking of ships, I think mine is superior to all others.

CELIA

What is it?

R.C.

It's between Elsa and Netflix.

CELIA

Hey, now. That's my boyfriend!

R.C.

True. Wanna stay and help me write a better story? FanFiction 'bout to happen!

CELIA

As long as I get free food and get to make sarcastic comments, I'll stay.

R.C.

Sure thing! Come on! Let's go get started on a script!

(They exit. FAITH yells after them.)

FAITH

YOU TWO ARE SO STUPID! I'M GONNA MAKE THIS ENDING HAPPEN WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! I SUMMON THE VILLAINS!

(PITCH, MOTHER GOTHEL, MOR'DU, HANSM and DAGUR are magically transported to her.)

FAITH (cont.)

Need you losers to help me get revenge!

DAGUR

I EAT REVENGE FOR BREAKFAST! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

FAITH

This is why I don't like villains. You're so annoying.

PITCH

If I may, we should be focusing on the manner most appropriate for defeating the Guardians... I assume that's why you called us here?

FAITH

Well, um... I think that means hurting Jack, so no. But we need to get revenge on that stupid girl trying to keep Jelsa from happening!

MOTHER GOTHEL

THIS is why I was called back from the grave? I was being fed by the godliest men in the Underworld fruit on a gilded couch! I was royalty! If I had known the After Life was that wonderful, I would have died sooner!

MOR'DU

(almost to himself) I enjoy the After Life, too. That red-head freed me...

HANS

Really? This conversation is pointless. Some of us aren't even dead, yet...

FAITH

ENOUGH! This isn't the time! We have to make the Bix Six and Jelsa happen! We need a script so big, even Broadway is too small to handle it!

HANS

I personally have some great ideas-

FAITH

No one cares, Hans. I'm the writer. You're just here to kidnap the characters for me. It's what villains do. They have no other function than to be mindlessly evil.

MOTHER GOTHEL

Ahahaha! I beg to differ-

DAGUR

(grinning stupidly) I'M MINDLESSLY EVIL!

FAITH

See! It's true!

PITCH

I have better things to do than to waste my time helping stupid little girls!

(Other villains agree, ready to leave.)

FAITH

Uh uh! You have to help me. I'm writing a FanFiction.

(All villains groan but they stop and stay.)

HANS

Are you kidding me? What do you want?

FAITH

I need to save Jack and Elsa and those other people they grace their amazingness with from the bitches that would ruin the entire ship. And the entire fandom! Ships are what we stand for! This is what we were built on! How can we survive without them?

HANS

I really could care less about who ends up kissing who. Let's just ditch this.

FAITH

But you can't! You have to help me! It's the rules if FanFiction. Come on. Jelsa for life! Jelsa for life! Chant, now, you losers! (cracks whip that she has now for some odd reason)

ALL

(scared and annoyed) Jelsa for life! Jelsa for life! Jelsa for life! Jelsa for life! Jelsa for life! (And so on.)

(They exit chanting. Blackout.)

Scene II

AT RISE: JACK is seen entering the stage, spreading frost all along the forest/FAITH's house. All of a sudden, PITCH kidnaps JACK. The next character, MERIDA, is kidnapped by MOR'DU while practicing archery in the woods, HICCUP by DAGUR while taking notes in his journal, ELSA and ANNA by HANS while in ELSA's ice palace, and RAPUNZEL by GOTHEL while wandering in the woods. R.C and CELIA enter with notebooks and pencils.

R.C.

Where are they? I thought they were meeting us here?

FAITH (V.O.)

You thought your precious "writing abilities" would save you! Make you a popular FanFiction!

R.C.

Actually, several people like and follow my stories. Maybe not as much as I like, but I'm really bad about updating, so-

FAITH

SILENCE! I'll have you know that I have several likes and follows. More than you, actually! We found you on the Internet!

CELIA

That's creepy. R.C., you have a stalker.

(FAITH, huffing and puffing in annoyance, stomps on which her villain entourage in tow.)

FAITH

WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS STORY RIGHT!

R.C.

HEY! Calling villains to my command in a ship war is MY THING, you little wannabe!

CELIA

R.C. did that before it was cool.

(CELIA and R.C. put on hipsister glasses.)

R.C.

PITCH! Get your sorry little Nightmare Butt over here, now, treacherous slave!

PITCH

I signed a contract.

R.C.

You have soiled our friendship gardian!

R.C./CELIA

SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

FAITH

SHUT UP! JELSA IS THE BEST SHIP! RAPUNZEL AND EUGENE ARE MARRIED! MERIDA... (pause) JELSA!

R.C.

So I've heard. (pause) Well, Celia, I guess it's time to go rescue some characters. Bye, person whose name we don't even know! (points to PITCH) I'll deal with you later, traitor!

(R.C. and CELIA exit.)

FAITH

(turning to the villains) Go, you losers! Do what I command! Make my FanFiction story win!

(The villains scattered. Blackout.)

Scene III

SETTING: The wagon is brought on to reveal HAN's balcony.

AT RISE: HANS writes in a journal. R.C. and CELIA enter with fake guns/water pistol, eye black, and maybe a plastic sword.

R.C.

FREEZE, SUCKAS! WE'RE-

CELIA

(noticing him writing) What are you doing?

HANS

Well, I was trying to have a quiet moment to myself until you intruders violated my space!

CELIA

A.k.a..: me and my family on a daily basis.

HANS

Look, I don't have Elsa. Faith insisted-

R.C.

Oh, that's her name!

HANS

Yes. She insisted on holding Jack and Elsa prisoner herself. I have Anna. And she won't even let me write for her...

CELIA

Ah. I suppose we must free the frosty ones last to provide a spectacular climax.

R.C.

OR WE CAN SCREW WITH THE WRITING GODS AND FREE THEM FIRST!

CELIA

YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!

R.C.

COME, MY INTROVERTED COUNTERPART! WE SHALL RIDE A RAINBOW UNICIRN TO THIS FAITH PERSON'S EVIL LAIR AND FREE JACKIE POO AND QUEEN ELSA!

(By the power of their awesomeness (and yelling) a rainbow unicorn appears.)

CELIA

FIRST WE MUST RESCUE ANNA, REMEMBER? AND TAKE HER WITH US!

R.C.

OH, YEAH! (to HANS) GIVE US ANNA, OR WE WILL UNLEASH OUR AUTHOR POWERS ON YOU!

HANS

Fine, if you'll leave me alone. (He goes through a door, bringing back ANNA.)

R.C.

WE HAVE RESCUED YOU, ANNA!

ANNA

Um, thanks? Who are you? (HANS shoves her to the girls.)

R.C.

YOUR RESCUERS?

ANNA

Um, okay.

CELIA

JUST HOP ON THE UNICORN AND COME WITH US TO GET YOUR SISTER!

ANNA

Okay... coming!

(The girls hop on and ride away.)

HANS

In suppose no one will notice if I sit the final battle out... (HANS grins.) NATIONAL BOOK AWARD, HERE I COME!

(Blackout. HANS exits. Balcony is removed and forest trees restored. )

Scene IV

SETTING: A normal teen girl bedroom covered with posters of ELSA and JACK FROST.

AT RISE: JACK, ELSA, and FAITH sit. The two characters are tied up on the floor. FAITH paces around the. PITCH enters.)

PITCH

The two girls are approaching your block, dear. I would suggest ambushing them.

FAITH

Why? That's dumb. They don't even know where I live! How will they find me?

(R.C. and CELIA enter.)

R.C.

Actually, we do. You posted it on at least five social media websites. I'm surprised you haven't been robbed yet.

FAITH

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CALL THE AUTHORITIES!

CELIA

Yes, and because you have also kidnapped people, they'll arrest all of us.

PITCH

She has a point.

FAITH

Silence! I'm the leader of you villain-losers. I talk. You guard me. Which you are doing a terrible job of, by the way!

PITCH

My apologies.

JACK

Wait, are you rescuing us? Alright!

R.C.

Yep! (R.C. and JACK high-five.) And then we'll gather the rest of the characters Faith was trying to enslave to CRUSH OUR OPPONENTS! RUGBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

JACK

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

CELIA

And Elsa and I can be introverted and watch Netflix.

ELSA

Works for me!

(ANNA swings in on a rope, caterwauling a battle cry.)

ANNA

Elsa! I'm here! Quick! We have to get back to Arendelle before Hans realizes our defenses are down!

CELIA

You can join Jack and R.C. in mounting a defense against Hans and the other villains. Elsa and I are just gonna chill out and watch some F.R.I.E.N.D.S

ANNA

What's that?

FAITH

No! Jack and Elsa are going to to watch a Fandub I made for Jeksa!

JACK

Hey, look, I'm not interested in Elsa. She's kinda cool with her ice powers and all, but, honestly, I'm okay with being single.

R.C.

YES! SINGLE FOR LIFE!

JACK

YEAH! (another high-five)

ELSA

Exactly. I'd like to have some freedom and independence for a while, considering I just got it back! I need to spend time with my sister and learn this ruling a kingdom thing.

ANNA

Aww!

(R.C., CELIA, and ANNA free the Snow Queen and the Winter Spirit.)

FAITH

Pitch! Get them!

PITCH

I'd rather not. This is too precious.

R.C.

Well, since nothing blocks our escape, we're just gonna leave. Byyyyye!

(The other leave FAITH, who turns to PITCH. )

FAITH

Why didn't you get them?

PITCH

It was too funny to watch them escape. I ranted enjoy seeing a bit of hope in a hero before they fall into utter despair. (beat) Well, I suppose I must return to my post.

(Exit PITCH. Blackout.)

Scene V

SETTING: Elsa's Ice Palace

AT RISE: The group of heroes enter into Elsa's Palace, which has been converted into an epic hideout- pushy chairs, warm blankets, T.V., buckets of fake guns and plastic swords. They look equipped for battle. )

ANNA

So! What's our first order of business?

CELIA

We still haven't watched Netflix yet, so that's my vote.

R.C.

We need to rescue Merida, Hiccup, and Rapunzel, though.

JACK

Alright... R.C., ANNA, and I will go get Merida. Elsa and Celia, after watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S while we're gone l will go out and get Rapunzel. Then, after that, we'll meet up back here to plan out getting Hiccup.

R.C./CELIA/ELSA/ANNA

Alright. Works for me. Okay! Sounds like a plan! (Etc.)

(ELSA and CELIA settle into some chairs and flip on the T.V. While the others ride the rainbow unicorn to a group of rocks in the woods that resemble a table and two chairs. As the heroes rush into battle with a cry, the rocks swivels around to reveal...)

MERIDA

Oh, guys, it's alright! Mor'du and I were having a chat over some tea about his journeys in the After Life!

ANNA

Wait... that evil bear that tried to eat your family... is serving you tea?

MERIDA

First off, he was a bear, bears don't normally eat people. Second, he was not aware of himself as a bear. Third-!

MOR'DU

I was a prince before I was transformed. I have manners!

MERIDA

Exactly!

JACK

Merida's actually having tea like the Queen of England... with a bear.

MERIDA

(annoyed) Yes, Jack! But he's not a bear-

JACK

Haha! That's priceless!

R.C.

(eating some of the tea sandwiches) Well, Merida, if ya want to keep enjoying your tea, go ahead. If you want to whoop some snot-nosed-fangirl ass, come with us!

MERIDA

I'll come for the ass-whooping part! You coming, Mor'du?

MOR'DU

I shall join you. Just let me get my sword.

(Lights dim on JACK, R.C., ANNA, MERIDA, and MOR'DU and come up on CELIA and ELSA. Sound FX- T.V. noise.)

CELIA

So. I wonder how the other people are doing?

ELSA

They'll be fine; I'm sure. I know Anna can take care of herself.

CELIA

(fondly) I'm sure R.C.'ll about the shit out of whatever villains they encounter. It's our secret weapon.

ELSA

She kinda reminds me of Anna. But louder.

CELIA

Yeah.

(Cheers and other victorynoises of the actors' preferences herald the return of the adventuring group.)

ANNA

ELSA! WE GOT MERIDAAAAAAA!

CELIA

Dang. I just got warm and settled.

ELSA

Okay, I take it back. They're about the same.

JACK

Having Merida means we've got four down, two to go!

R.C.

Cool! Once we get all the others, we can plan or epic battle against... um, Faith! That's her name!

ELSA

We're going now. Bye!

(Exit ELSA and CELIA, then fade to black.)

Scene VI

SETTING: Faith's bedroom

AT RISE: FAITH is sitting on her bed, addressing DAGUR and MOTHER GOTHEL. PITCH is guarding the door, but still attentive.

FAITH

We need to focus on getting back Jack and Elsa. The only thing that matters is getting the two of them together! I need to decide the grand climax that will make them fall in love for each other. Any ideas?

PITCH

You could-

FAITH

Wait! I have a better idea! What if we turned ourselves into Disney Princesses, pretend to be help for the other jerks, and then kidnap Jack and Elsa! Then we arrange their marriage!

GOTHEL

No, you idiot! Why remove the disguises? Stay as the bratty princesses and set them up on a blind date! Young teens do that for each other all the time, right?

FAITH

Um, not really. But that's a good idea.

DAGUR

Will I have to be a girl?

FAITH

EW, no. You and Pitch can be our bodyguards. White this down, Gothel. You two will need beards, swords, and foreign accents. Gothel and I will need some great dressers, a wig to fix that hair for her-

(GOTHEL glares. )

FAITH (cont.)

-And some new shoes.

(As they exit, ELSA and CELIA enter, searching for RAPUNZEL's tower, which has been rolled onto stage. )

ELSA

Are you sure this is where the tower is supposed to be?

CELIA

Hey, who watched Tangled? I got this.

HICCUP (V.O.)

Help!

ELSA

Sounds like Rapunzel! Hurry, climb the tower!

CELIA

I got a better way. (approaches secret back way. ) Secret entrances!

ELSA

Oh, good!

(The two of them climb the stair case.)

HICCUP

Astrid? Ruffnut? Guys, is that-?

CELIA

Rapunzel, we're here tooooooo...

HICCUP

My name is Hiccup.

ELSA

Hello, Hiccup.

CELIA

Awkward. Um, I'm Celia. This is Elsa.

HICCUP

I guess you were sent by my dad?

CELIA

If Jack Frost is you dad, then, yes. If not, we can come back later.

HICCUP

No! I need a way out; don't worry.

ELSA

Then let's go!

HICCUP

So, you found a way out?

CELIA

NO. We just] appeared out of nowhere. We're only figments of your imagination and you now have schizophrenia.

HICCUP

But you guys found a way out?

ELSA

There's been a trapdoor right there in the middle of the floor the whole time. It leads to the back of the tower. I'm surprised you didn't at least check to check to see if there was a way out when you got here.

HICCUP

Usually captors don't give their captives a secret exit.

CELIA

It was in main part of the tower.

HICCUP

It was hidden under a rug!

ELSA

You could have lifted it up.

HICCUP

Never mind! I need to get out of here and find Toothless.

CELIA

Well, we came here to rescue Rapunzel, and we kinda didn't plan on getting you until afterwards. So, we'll need to take you back to our base first. You can find Toothless later. We have to combat the forces of EEEEEEEVIL.

HICCUP

Are you that crazy girl who tried putting that Scottish girl in a love-relationship with me?

CELIA

No.

HICCUP

Oh, good.

CELIA

We're with the other crazy people who will fight that crazy person!

HICCUP

(with an eye-roll.) Oh, great!

ELSA

Come on, Hiccup. We need to return to base.

(They exit. Blackout.)

Scene VII

AT RISE: FAITH and GOTHEL wear long, plated dresses sued with ribbons, ruffles, etc. and long, blonde wigs. PITCH wears a wide-brimmed hat, a rapier at his side, and a dorky fabric mask around his eyes. DAGUR, who wears a long, curly, red beard, scabbard and sword, and a Grim frown, knocks on ELSA's ice fortress. The other group is inside, planning battle.

ELSA

I'll get it. (She answers the door.) Um, Faith? Why are you here?

FAITH

Faith? I'm not Faith! I'm Hope! Princess Hope of Fantasia!

GOTHEL

And I am he mother, the beautiful Queen Diamond of Fantasia!

ELSA

Um. I'm going to close the door now. Bye.

(ELSA closes the door as GOTHEL and FAITH bang on it again.)

CELIA

CAN SOMEONE SHUT THEM UP? R.C., I THOUGHT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO YELL AT ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE!

R.C.

YOU'RE GOOD AT YELLING. WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM TO TAKE A HIKE?

CELIA

SINCE I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING...! (She goes to the door, flinging it open.) WE ARE TRYING TO PLAN A BATTLE IN PEACE. WE DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. I HAVE SISTER IN SCOUTING FOR THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW GO DIE IN A HOLE! (She slams the door.) There! All done!

R.C.

Now back to our plan. Jack, since you have assumed the position of my lieutenant, you will command Merida and Hiccup. Celia, since you're already my lieutenant, you can command Elsa, Mor'du, and Anna. I, as the High General, will be in charge of... everyone.

JACK

Hey, hold up. So put you in charge?

R.C.

Well, obviously, myself.

JACK

I think I should be in charge.

R.C.

This isn't a democracy, it's a FanFiction. And as the author, I get to decide who does what. So there.

JACK

ANARCHY!

R.C.

WE WILL EXCOMMUNICATE YOU FROM THE CHURCH!

CELIA

AND THEN SACRIFICE YOU TO THE CHEESE GODS!

(PITCH opens the unlocked door. FAITH, DAGUR, GOTHEL, and PITCH storm in the palace.)

FAITH

Capture them!

(They all begin to fight: GOTHEL has a knife fight with HICCUP, who is assisted by ANNA, while DAGUR and PITCH attack MERIDA and MOR'DU. FAITH surprises ELSA, who is trying to help MERIDA, knocking her out. ANNA and CELIA Ray violently, trying to help while OLIVIA keeps FAITH off of JACK. )

FAITH

Dagur! Grab her!

(DAGUR ships ELSA up, taking her away. GOTHEL is wounded by HICCUP, and she crimps to the floor. FAITH, DAGUR, and PITCH run off.)

ANNA

It seems we have a hostage!

R.C.

Mother Gothel, you are free to go back to the After Life.

ANNA

Wait, what?

R.C.

Faith would never trade Gothel for Elsa. Elsa is part of the pairing she thinks MUST HAPPEN AT ALL COSTS. It would be like offering to trade a flip-phone for one of the newest iPhones. We'll have to get Elsa back on our own.

ANNA

Oh. Well, I guess she's free to go, then. As long as she doesn't go back to Faith.

GOTHEL

Ugh, I thought you all would never ask. (to the audience) Farewell, darlings! And remember who to nominate for a Tony!

(GOTHEL exits, limping fabulously and waving/blowing kisses. She takes to long.)

CELIA

GET OFF THE STAGE!

(GOTHEL glares but exits. Blackout.)

Scene VIII

SETTING: FAITH's basement.

AT RISE: ELSA is dragged to and tied to a chair by DAGUR. He exits. FAITH enters, pacing in front of the Snow Queen.

FAITH

Well, well, well, my precious Snow Queen. You and your new friends have resisted me thus far. But can you resist the lure of... JACK FROST'S HITNESS? (She whips out a picture of JACK without a shirt on she found on the Internet.)

ELSA

Faith, I am a single woman. I have friends. I'm young and I have plenty of time to find my "true love." I don't need you pressuring me into a relationship with a hug I don't even know.

(FAITH bursts into tears.)

ELSA

No, please, I dint want you to cry! Just... Okay off the excessive shipping, okay?

FAITH

THOSE JERKS BRAINWASHED YOU! NOW MY WEDDING PLANS WILL HAVE GONE TO WASTE!

ELSA

Um... If you stop crying, I'll- TEACH YOU HOW TO USE YOUR POWERS!

FAITH

You- you will?

ELSA

(lying) Of course! When I was a little girl, I struggled with mine. I'll... I'll teach you to find and control yours!

FAITH

THAT MEANS WE'RE BEST FRIENDS! I NEED TO MAKE US FRIENDSHIP T-SHIRTS!

ELSA

Um, yeah. Sure. Just, don't tell Anna. Or Jack. He'd be... jealous I spent all this time away with you!

FAITH

I KNEW HE LIKED YOU! WE'LL SHOW YOU TOGETHER THAT HE'S YOUR TRUE LOVE!

(FAITH exits, jumping for joy.)

ELSA

Wow... she is so dumb.

PITCH

And gullible, too.

(PITCH slips out of the shadows.)

PITCH

Queen Elsa, we meet at last.

ELSA

Who are you?

PITCH

I, my dear, am Pitch Black... the boogeyman.

ELSA

I'm sorry. I don't know what that means.

PITCH

IT MEANS YOU WILL FEAR ME!

ELSA

Yeah, right! I overcame my fears!

PITCH

Oh, but you never will, my dear. Fear is never truly overcome. As the Nightmare King, I make it my job to know people's greatest fears.

ELSA

Ten guesses what mine'll be.

PITCH

You fear your ice powers and what pain they might cause others, especially your sister!

ELSA

Wow, that's a freaky good guess system you got there. How many fingers am I holding backing my back?

PITCH

Three. Everyone I know goes for the first.

ELSA

(holds up fingers) Four.

PITCH

LIAR! I always get that!

ELSA

It's the truth.

PITCH

Humph. Very good, I suppose.

ELSA

So, Pitch, is it?

PITCH

Yes.

ELSA

Pitch... is there any way you can untie me?

PITCH

Oh no, I would never! I am under solemn vows, which I make it a point to never break.

ELSA

That's very honorable of you... and simultaneously inconvenient.

PITCH

Well, since I can't break you out, I suppose I'll have to help you in some other way. (PITCH reaches in his pocket, pulling out...) My number. Call me after this and we can have dinner. (He exits.)

ELSA

(sarcastically confused) Bye, Pitch! Thanks for your "help!"

(Scene focus shifts to ANNA and HICCUP in the woods. They wander into a burnt out campsite shaded in dragon-skins. RAPUNZEL is hidden under one of the large ones, bound and gagged.)

ANNA

Hello? Rapunzel? Are you here?

(RAPUNZEL makes inarticulate noises.)

HICCUP

Hold on; it may be a trap. Dagur may have left a berserker behind as a decoy. (HICCUP approaches the skin covering RAPUNZEL with his dagger. He lifts it back, revealing the princess.) Oh, good, it's you. (He cuts her bonds.) You alright, there?

RAPUNZEL

Yeah, I'm okay.

ANNA

Good, because we need your help in fighting Faith.

RAPUNZEL

Is that the girl who kidnapped me and handed me over to that awful man?

HICCUP

She is. But we're organizing a resistance to fight her.

ANNA

AND we have a cool ice fortress made by my sister, Elsa!

RAPUNZEL

Wait, Elsa?

ANNA

Yeah... Is that a problem?

RAPUNZEL

No, no, no! I can't go with HER! (She sinks to the floor, fists grabbing her hair. )

HICCUP

Let me guess, you love that Jack guy, and you want-

RAPUNZEL

NO! I don't want Jack! I have a perfectly good boyfriend! And we're getting married soon!

ANNA

Then what's wrong with Elsa?

RAPUNZEL

She hates me because everyone think I DO like him, and now everyone thinks I'm a bitch! Do you know how hard that is? Huh? I have a boyfriend, but no, everyone has to make me into a jerk to make sure JELSA happens, when they spread the rumorswe were dating in the first place!

HICCUP

Hey! It's alright. It's not your fault. You seemed a bit stressed. Why not take deep breaths?

RAPUNZEL

Good idea. (Breathes; does a few yoga positions.) Better now.

ANNA

Why don't you come with us? I'll introduce you to my sister. She doesn't hate you. And she doesn't even like Jack. And he doesn't really like her! You'll both get along fine!

HICCUP

And besides, our organization has been formed to fight the cliquès that plague the Internet. No more ill-conceived pairings! No more badly portrayed characters! I am a slave to the poem no more!

ANNA

Okay, Hiccup. Stop being melodramatic. Let's go.

(The three exit. Blackout.)

Scene IX

SETTING: Forest.

AT RISE: CELIA, R.C., and JACK are trekking through the woods. The trio carries weapons. They eventually reach Faith's basement, slip in through an open window, and rescue ELSA.)

ELSA

Guys! You came! I was getting a little crazy down here by myself.

R.C.

Don't worry! We'd never leave you with the maniac for too long!

JACK

Just a maximum of... How long has it been?

CELIA

Five years?

JACK

Five years?! It couldn't be more than half an hour! This play only lasts one act!

R.C.

Jack's right, Celia. This storyline only lasts a couple DAYS at the most.

CELIA

Uh, yeah, pretty sure it could have been five years. Sometimes that happens in plays!

R.C.

(sarcastically) yes, and by then, Elsa would have... grown a beard.

ELSA

I'm going to grow a beard if you people don't exit the stage already!

R.C.

Anyone want to see if she'll actually try to grow a beard?

ELSA

GET OFF THE STAGE.

(The other three exit, cackling and snickering.)

ELSA

(after they exeunt) Amateurs! (Exits with utter queenly grace.)

(Blackout.)

Scene X

SETTING/AT RISE: In the woods, R.C. and JACK enter from behind the forest.

JACK

R.C., I need to tell you something very important.

R.C.

Uh huh?

JACK

We've spent some time together for a while, so I think I can tell you this very important thing.

R.C.

(leaning dramatically close to JACK) I'll never breathe a word to another soul so long as you wish me to.

JACK

Okay... Last night, I... I had a dream. A dream where you and I...

R.C.

Oh, Jack! (flutters eyelashes)

JACK

... a dream where you and I went and yelled annoying and sarcastic comments at Pitch for five hours straight?

(They embrace dramatically.)

R.C.

Jack! I never thought I'd find someone who enjoys being annoying to villains as much as I do! But now...

JACK

Now, we can have a really cheesy romance that isn't Jelsa.

R.C.

Because there is no escape from cheesy romances.

JACK

No, never!

(CELIA enters as they embrace even more dramatically.)

CELIA

R.C., JACK, stop interrupting the story with your awkward and poorly acted romance scene. It's utterly unnecessary.

R.C.

(dreamily) Jack, I think the voice in my head that sounds like Celia is talking to me again.

JACK

(equally dreamy) Me too.

R.C.

Let's just ignore her.

JACK

Okay.

(CELIA exits, not amused. R.C. and JACK shuffle off stage, still in an embrace. Blackout.)

Scene XI

SETTING: Ice palace

AT RISE: JACK, R.C., ANNA, CELIA, ELSA, HICCUP, MERIDA, MOR'DU, and RAPUNZEL wait, fake guns, lightsabers, etc. at their disposal.

HICCUP

Hey, Merida?

MERIDA

Yes, Hiccup?

HICCUP

Do you ever get the feeling no one really cares about us anymore? Everyone is so caught up in the Jelsa vs. Jackunzel War that we've become major side characters that support the author's views on one ship or another.

MERIDA

(after a pause) You spend too much time on the Internet.

RAPUNZEL

Hey, Elsa?

ELSA

Yes?

RAPUNZEL

Hey, listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings... About Jack. I never really wanted to "date" him or anything. I have a boyfriend, Eugene, and I don't want to date Jack, especially if you really do want to. I'm really sorry about hitting you earlier. It was that obnoxious girl who told me I had to. I shouldn't have done it.

ELSA

Rapunzel, I'm sorry too. I don't like Jack, either. I have enough on my page as it is. And Faith IS pretty demanding and annoying. I accept your apology. Maybe we can be friends?

RAPUNZEL

Sure. I'd love to!

(R.C. stands upon a chair (or other piece of furniture) to address her army. JACK stands besides her.)

R.C.

LISTEN UP! FAITH IS ABOUT TO HAVE HER ENTRANCE ONSTAGE, AND WE NEED TO MAKE SURE WE'RE READY TO FIGHT HER AND HER TROOPS!

JACK

CAN I GET A BATTLE CRY?

(They utter a battle cry as FAITH storms in by breaking the door, with PITCH behind her. DAGUR guards their rear.)

FAITH

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. I WILL UNLEASH MY BOOGEYMAN AND BERSERKER ON YOU, UNLESS YOU GIVE IN TO THE MAJESTY OF JELSA!

R.C.

YOU WANT TO FORCE US INTO SLAVERY, YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH OUR WEIRDNESS!

FAITH

Give me a chance to speak! This is a free country!

JACK

ACTUALLY, THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY...

R.C./JACK

... THIS... IS... FANFICTION!

FAITH

Listen, you jerk! Jelsa is meant to be. It goes beyond their ice powers, no matter what you believe. They both love their sisters. They were both alone for so long. JACK would bring out Elsa's fun side, while she would bring out his mature side-

CELIA

MATURITY IS FOR LOSERS. AND ELSA IS TOO COOL FOR ALL OF YOU.

ELSA

AND I HAVE ANNA FOR FUN.

R.C.

(munching on a waffle fry) AND I HAVE WAFFLE FRIES!

CELIA

FOR ENERGY!

HICCUP

That has nothing to do with what we're arguing over.

MERIDA

I SAY WE HAVE A TOURNAMENT TO THE DEATH!

DAGUR

I AM IN FAVOR OF THAT.

CELIA

THERE IS WAY TOO MUCH SCREAMING IN THIS PLACE.

R.C.

I LIKE SCREAMING!

JACK

ME TO!

(The two embrace.)

JACK

I LOVE YOU, R.C. JELSA SHALL NEVER SEPARATE US!

FAITH

NOOOOO! eksa, Jack, can't you see... you will only be happy together! This JERK has BRAINWASHED YOU!

R.C.

This ends, Faith. And there is only one possible way this can end. Either we starting chanting the Haka loudly in yourface, or you go home without being mentally scarred for life and live in your mother's basement in fangirl angst for the remainder of aforementioned life.

ELSA

Jack and I will never be married.

MERIDA

Then Hiccup and I can stop being ignored and pushed to the side.

RAPUNZEL

And no one can turn me into a bitch!

CELIA

And I canwatch Netflix in peace!

R.C.

Faith, it's not too late... formulate your own opinions about shipping. Write good FanFiction and respect other people's ideas. And stop being so cliquè!

ALL

C'mon! Join us! Have a true Disney ending! I'll save you a spot on the couch when we watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Come back to the good guys! Etc.

FAITH

I SHALL GO DOWN WITH MY SHIP,

R.C.

Alright, then! BATTLE CHANT IT IS!

ALL

KA MATE KA MATE, KA ORA KA ORA!

KA MATE KA MATE, KA ORA KA ORA!

TĒNEI TE TANGATA PŪHURUHURU!

NĀNA NEI I TIKI MAI WHAKAWHITI TE RĀ!

A, UPANE, KA UPANE!

A, UPANE, KA UPANE, WHITI TE RĀ!

HI!

R.C.

ATTACK!

(The two enemies converge on one another. There is an epic battle, and the heroes have a size and rage advantage over their enemies. Eventually they push the two villains and FAITH into a cluster, of which they surround.)

FAITH

What the heck? You guys are such losers! I never want to see you again! UGH!

(FAITH pushes through the crowd and storms off.)

PITCH

Well, I suppose this means we lost and I get to make my exit! (puts on shades) Later, weirdos. Bye, Elsa. (exits)

ELSA

Byyyye...

DAGUR

Hey, wait up, brother! (follows after PITCH)

R.C.

PITCH! YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE! I HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS TO SLAP YOU WITH! TRAITOR!

JACK

Hey, it's okay. He's a loser anyway.

R.C.

Eh, true.

(Everyone left cheers, hugs, celebrates, etc.)

R.C.

So now what do we do?

CELIA

Can we finally binge watch Netflix, PLEASE?

ELSA

As Queen of Arendelle, I officially declare today "Binge Watch Netflix Day."

CELIA

YAAAAAAAS! (CELIA dives onto the couch.)

(ELSA, HICCUP, ANNA, and RAPUNZEL begin binge watching television with CELIA.)

MERIDA

I'm so glad I can be single again. Hiccup's just not quite my type.

JACK

Are bears more your type?

MERIDA

Ugh, you annoy me, Frost. Lucky for you, I've got to go back home. Want to teach me those sword moves when we get there, Mor'du?

MOR'DU

Of course!

(Exeunt both.)

R.C.

Jack! Jack!

JACK

What?

R.C.

Ride off into the sunset with me on our magical rainbow unicorn!

JACK

We can do that?

R.C.

HELL YEAH. I'm the author, remember? I do want I want!

JACK

Then let's ride.

(They ride off into the sunset.)

CELIA

(calling after them) DON'T GET LOST AND BE HOME BY 10! (to audience) Hey! Show's over! Get out! We're watching Netflix now. I think we've earned the right to some peace here!

(Curtain begins to descend.)

CELIA

That's better!

(When the audience starts clapping...)

EUGENE

Whoa! Whoa! Stop your clapping!

(KRISTOFF enters.)

EUGENE

You should all demand your money back! I never had a single line in this play! All I did was stand there and hug Rapunzel!

KRISTOFF

Now, I don't complain as much as Smoulder over here, but I'd like to say SOMETHING. Especially if it's to Anna!

EUGENE

And we all know there can't be a good play without- (smoulders) -me.

(The director of the play enters, glaring.)

KRISTOFF

I think we should go before the director fires us... (Exits)

EUGENE

Yes! Go home! You'll never achieve stardom! You're only popular because Elsa is popular! But everyone loves me... for ME! Who doesn't love me?

RAPUNZEL (O.S.)

EUGENE!

EUGENE

Um, COMING! (He runs off.)

(Lights out.)