The last thing I said to him was I hate you. Shuichi could get to me sometimes and most of the time I don't know what to do about him. But one thing I love about that boy is no matter how I drove him away, he still clang on to me like am his life, and won't know anything else but me in his world. I love you….I love you so much…now you will never know what I truly feel for you. Darkness wrapped me in its world, for the meaning of my life is gone and I could never have my chance anymore to let him know how much I love him. The apartment was quiet except for my uncontrollable sobbing, a sound so heart-wrenching anyone would think am suffering from a disease that would kill me any minute, and that's how I feel right then and there. I wish I could die with you, Shuichi. My Shuichi.

His voice kept echoing in my head over and over again…calling me in his irritating, loud voice…

"Yuki!!!!!! Yuki!!!! Yuki!!!! I love you!!! I love you!!! I love you Yuki Eiri!!!!"

Now I won't hear it anymore. That voice would be silenced forever except in my memory. No one could call my name with so much love in them, with so much warmth. Baka. Baka saru. Stupid. Stupid monkey. Always clinging to my arm as if he would grew weak if he didn't get to have a chance to have a bit of contact with me, a touch, a hug…He would hug me so tight as if he wanted to absorb me in his skin. And no matter how many times I kick him or slapped him away, he would come back for more. As if the beating won't drive him away. He would complain, but he will still come close to hold me, to embrace me, to kiss me, to smell me…to absorb me in his system. I never thought anyone could love someone so much, that's how Shuichi loves me, he loves me with everything in him, with all of his being. Now am alone. Alone. Wrapped in my sadness…tormented by my grief and guilt. If only I didn't yell at him the last time I saw him. If only I bit my tongue and held my retort for the last time. If only I had been gentle or pretend to be gentle.

I was gonna call the studio to see what has been keeping him. I had this gnawing feeling inside me, that I couldn't concentrate on my work, that I keep writing the same sentence over and over again, that I finally stopped, his face keep appearing in my monitor, I keep hearing his voice calling me at the back of my mind. When I felt a cold draft touch my nape, I stood up and decided to see if he is on his way home and ask him what he wants for dinner. He has always been late but most of the time he calls, even though he knows I would hang up on him in the midst of his explanation. I picked up the phone, about to dial when it rang. I grumbled, figuring its my lover with his tirade of explanation for being late. But it was a different voice, sort of familiar but I couldn't recognize it because it was crying so hard and was choking on his words. It was Hiro. As the guitarist spoke, my heart clenched, my blood freezing in my veins, my body seeming to shut down on me. I stood there, staring into nothingness. Gripping the receiver so hard my knuckles are white.

Those three words hang on the line. Like the sentenced on my laptop that keeps repeating itself over and over again, initiating a painful slow motion sequence. Each syllable of each word echoed through my mind like a cutting knife: 'Shuichi is dead.'

The phone fell from my hands slowly, everything stopped, time stopped. My legs gave way, tripping me into the seat behind me. I hadn't cried, not once, since I received the news. I wanted to, I need to, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. My body won't allow it. Shuichi had been my everything. He'd been my heart, my soul, my everything. He was the only sure thing I had in this world. Now he was gone. And I was completely alone. So terribly and completely alone.

I made a sound at the back of my throat between a dry sob and a snort of disgust. I never told him I cared for him, not once did I ever told him how much I love him, that I need him in my life, that he is my life. That I wanted him to be a permanent fixture in my life. The last thing I told him was how much I hated him, that I wish I never met him ever. My heart clenched in my chest, I feel that am having a heart attack, the pain is so unbearable. I guess this is how it feels to have your heart broken. Oh, babe, I wish I could join you. I wish I could die with you. What is life without you? My world is gone now. I wish I didn't say those words to you, my love. I wish I would have told you how much I love you, I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to you, to say to you that you are my world that it would be the last thing you will hear, that my kiss would be the last thing you will feel, that my warmth will be the last your body will feel as I hug you close to me, to absorb the last of your warmth, to capture the last of your kiss, to inhale the last of your scent, the essence of you. My whole life died with you my darling Shuichi, my soul sucked from my body. You're the only one I have ever lived for, I wish I would have told you that.

I slumped on the floor, and that's when I started to feel tears streaming down my face, my chest tightening, my throat constricting with the pain that is eating at my gut.

"Shuichi." I choked, "Ai shiteru, Shuichi. I would be with you soon…" I cried with all the love I can muster and fell to my oblivion.

Owari