The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone down the rabbit hole. Think of this as a public service announcement against taking weird drugs. Especially expired drugs. That will save you from…
Being Mallory
"Do, do, do, scattily dah do do do!" Pam sang to herself as she walked into Mallory's office. "Poovey!"
Pam then stopped and paused. "Oh Ms. Archer. I didn't hear you come in. How you doing? I just came in here to see if you had any extra staples. Ms. Archer? Ms. Archer? Helloooooo? God damn it."
She poked her head out the door. "GUYS! WE HAVE A SITUATION HERE!"
"WHAT KIND OF SITUATION?" Ray shouted back.
"WE HAVE A CODE PURPLE!" Pam shouted.
"AN INTERN HAS DIED?" Krieger called out. "WHEN DID WE GET A NEW INTERN?"
"THAT'S A CODE D," Pam snapped. "THIS IS A CODE PURPLE!"
"IS THAT WHEN LANA AND WHOEVER SHE'S WITH ARE HAVING A FIGHT AGAIN?" Cheryl was heard shouting.
"NO!" Pam shouted. "THAT'S A GOSSIP ALERT! THIS IS A CODE PURPLE!"
"IS THAT WHEN ONE OF KRIEGER'S CREATURES HAS ESCAPED?" Ray asked.
"NOTHING GOT OUT OF MY LAB!" Krieger protested. "THAT I KNOW OF."
"NO! THIS IS A CODE PURPLE!" Pam shouted. "IT'S WHEN MS. ARCHER GETS HERSELF INTO A DRUGGED-UP STUPOR!"
"I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CUCUMBER SITUATION?" Cheryl called out.
"NO!" Pam shouted. "THAT'S WHEN MS. ARCHER HAS SOME LUCIDITY. AND HAS ACCIDENTALLY EATEN OR BEEN EXPOSED TO CUCUMBERS. THIS IS WHEN SHE'S COMPLETELY OUT OF IT."
"YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN WE TOOK HER TO SPACE MOUNTAIN?" Cheryl called out.
"EXACTLY," Pam shouted.
"OH," Cheryl said. "WHO CARES THEN?"
"We really should have like a chart or something," Ray remarked as he and Krieger walked into Mallory's office. "Ms. Archer? Ms. Archer? Hello?" He waved his hand in front of Mallory's face.
"I just found her like this," Pam pointed to Mallory sitting in her chair with a vacant look on her face.
"The last time I saw somebody with that look," Krieger remarked. "Cyril was trying to teach Cheryl about fractions."
"She's out again," Pam sighed. "Like my Great Aunt Rose at a Grateful Dead concert."
"I wonder what pushed her over the edge this time?" Ray asked. "I mean I know Archer is still in a coma."
"That's not easy for anyone," Pam said. "Especially if you add the fact that Ron kicked her to the curb and they're separated."
"A sick child and a strained marriage heading for divorce are clear indicators of stress for anyone," Krieger nodded. "But let's not forget her waning finances."
"True," Ray shrugged. "But that's not half as crushing to her as her wrecked reputation."
"Don't forget her social life has gone all to hell," Pam added.
"That's what I meant by the wrecked reputation," Ray told her.
I swear to God one of these days I will wreck you morons, Mallory thought. Hey! Can you hear me? Hey! Idiots!"
"She didn't take anything I gave her," Krieger looked through her purse. "I know that."
I thought I was taking an aspirin! Mallory snapped. I forgot I switched prescriptions.
"All I can find is a bottle of some aspirin," Krieger said. "And some gold coins."
"No wonder her damn purse is so heavy," Ray groaned.
"Check the aspirin bottle," Pam said. "Archer told me sometimes Ms. Archer switches prescriptions around."
"Why?" Ray asked.
"He said it was some kind of racial thing," Pam shrugged.
"Sounds more like a stupid thing," Ray said. "Especially if she forgets she switched prescriptions and takes the pill."
Thank you very much Captain Obvious! Mallory shouted. Why can nobody hear me? Oh wait! I'm not talking. Damn it! Did I take that stuff left over from that CIA mixer five years ago?
"Well this is definitely not aspirin," Krieger opened the aspirin bottle. "I don't know what this is but it's not aspirin."
"And it's not any of your drugs?" Pam asked.
"Please," Krieger waved. "I know my products. And this is definitely not one of mine. These pills are yellow! I don't make yellow pills! Makes people feel like they're swallowing solid piss."
"Thank you so much for that image," Pam groaned. "Wait aspirin is white. How could Ms. Archer make a mistake…"
"She probably forgot and wasn't even looking," Krieger shrugged. "Not the first time this has happened."
"We really should do a sweep of some kind," Ray said. "She's got more expired drugs than a pharmacy's trash can!"
This can't be the stuff from the CIA, Mallory realized. If it was I'd be seeing a giant blue parrot wearing a suit and talking like John Cleese by now.
"Krieger what do you think that shit is?" Ray pointed to the drugs.
"I won't know for sure until I get it into the lab," Krieger said. He took out a penlight and shone it into Mallory's eyes. "But judging from Ms. Archer's lack of reaction I'd say it's related to the Lemons."
"But not the Lemons," Pam said.
"No," Krieger shrugged. "Similar but not the Lemons."
"What do we do now?" Pam asked. "How long do you think she'll be like this?"
"She's not waking up anytime soon that's for sure," Krieger said.
I'm already awake you quack! Mallory shouted. Damn it! Mouth why won't you work?
"Should we do something?" Pam asked. "Where's Lana?"
"Out with her kid," Krieger said. "Some kind of teacher's day off and Lana is taking AJ to the doctor."
"That kid gets out of school a lot, doesn't she?" Ray mused. "Or is it just me?"
"No, it's not just you," Pam shook her head. "They seem to have those teacher preparation days like every other week now. Back in my old school we would be lucky if we got a half day once a month. Or a snow day… But since I lived in Wisconsin we had a lot of snow days."
"This is LA," Ray pointed out. "You're not gonna get a lot of snow days here."
"How about smog days?" Pam suggested.
HOW ABOUT I KICK YOUR ASS DAYS YOU FAT LUNATIC?! Mallory screamed inside her head.
However, all that came out was…
"Bruggle…" Mallory sputtered.
"Did she try to say something?" Ray pointed.
"I think she said buggle?" Krieger blinked.
"No, it was more like brumble," Pam said. "I think she wants something."
YES! Mallory snapped in her mind. For you to die! Most likely from a heart attack!
But all that came out was…
"Bawwkk…"
"Did she just cluck like a chicken?" Krieger blinked.
"Not really a chicken," Pam said. "I've been around chickens. That's not a chicken cluck. A turkey maybe? A really drunk turkey."
"Maybe she thinks she's clucking like a chicken?" Krieger asked.
"Why the hell would Ms. Archer cluck like a chicken?" Ray snapped.
"Maybe she's hungry?" Pam said. "Maybe she wants a chicken sandwich?"
I don't want a chicken sandwich! Mallory snapped. What I want is for you idiots to make me some money! Or do anything that resembles work today!
"Bawwwwkkkk…"
Oh, for the love of Christ…Mallory groaned to herself as Pam wheeled her out of the room. Where are you taking me?
"Come on Ms. Archer," Pam said cheerfully. "Let's get you some KFC!"
Is that a new drug? Mallory wondered as she went down the hallway.
They wheeled Mallory into the bullpen. Which was being decorated with colorful streamers and a couple of craps and blackjack tables. "How's it going?" Ray asked.
"Good," Cyril said. "We should have it all set up within an hour. Lucky for us that Lana took the whole day off."
"Even luckier that Ms. Archer's brain took off," Pam pointed.
"What happened to her?" Cyril looked at Mallory.
Mallory snapped. Forget me! What's happening here? It looks like you're recreating that casino in Robin and the Seven Hoods!
"She took some kind of pills," Krieger said. "We don't know what kind. Only that they're not mine."
"Wow," Cheryl giggled as she waved her hand in front of Mallory's face. "The lights are on but nobody's home!"
This must be like what you feel every single day! Mallory snapped. What's going on here?
"Looks like you're almost set up," Ray said.
"Yes," Cyril sighed. "For an underground illegal gambling casino, it doesn't look that bad."
WHAT? Mallory screamed internally.
"Just say underground or illegal," Ray corrected. "It's kind of redundant to say both."
"We're getting paid a hundred grand for that mob boss to use our agency for one night," Cyril said. "I want this to look nice."
"Lucky for us Mook's regular place is being fumigated for termites," Pam nodded. "He's doing rather well in the Mob business."
Who the hell is Mook? Mallory snapped. And am I getting a cut of these profits?
"Best of all we don't have to share anything with either Lana or Ms. Archer," Cheryl giggled.
The hell you're not! I want a cut of this! Cyril! Cyril! PAM! Idiots!
"Bawwwwkk…."
"Why is she clucking like a drunk chicken?" Cheryl blinked.
"We think she's hungry," Ray shrugged.
"Can she even eat in that state?" Cyril asked.
"I'll just put an IV in her," Krieger shrugged. "We could just stick her in the office until it's over."
You are not sticking me anywhere! I'll put a stick in you where the sun doesn't shine you crazy Kraut!
"At least it will be easy to hide the profits," Cyril sighed. "We'll just tell her blorp, blizzle blang bloam bloom."
You're even more incomprehensible than usual Cyril! What's going on?
"You're sliding into stage three of the pills," A giant blue parrot in a suit who sounded exactly like John Cleese walked in.
"Mr. Pennyfeather!" Mallory gasped as the background around her faded into white.
"That's me," Mr. Pennyfeather said. "Chip, chip, cheerio!"
"Where the hell have you been?" Mallory shouted as she stood up.
"Sorry Love," Mr. Pennyfeather said. "I was tied up at the bloody lawyer's office dealing with the final details of my divorce. Worth it to not see the bitch again."
"So, your wife is now your ex-parrot?" Mallory asked.
"Albatross actually," Mr. Pennyfeather sighed. "My own fault. Mother warned me that the marriage was doomed to fail."
"Yes well…" Realization hit Mallory. "Wait, you can hear me! I can talk to you!"
"You realize you're halfway into a delusion, don't you?" Mr. Pennyfeather asked.
"Oh right," Mallory frowned. "Am I going to remember anything those idiots did?"
"Do you really want to remember?" Mr. Pennyfeather asked. "Or do you just want to go to a lovely party hosted by the Kerrs with all your past friends and lovers?"
Mr. Pennyfeather opened a door into the white background. "Here's door Number One!" A fancy room filled with people dressed up in fancy ballgowns and having polite conversation.
"And there is door Number Two," Mr. Pennyfeather opened another door. "Aptly named."
She looked through the door. Pam was holding a chicken sandwich. "Eat the chicken Ms. Archer! Eat the chicken!"
"Party," Mallory groaned. "Definitely."
"Smart choice," Mr. Pennyfeather offered Mallory his wing. They walked into the room.
As soon as they did Mallory realized she had transformed into her younger self, wearing a beautiful white evening gown.
Everyone in the room turned to meet here. "Mallory my Darling you look as lovely and radiant as ever," Burt Reynolds came up to her.
"Burt darling you old flatterer," Mallory twittered.
"Shall we dance?" Burt asked.
"I thought you'd never ask," Mallory smiled as they whirled around the dance floor. "God, I missed you Burt…"
"Oh Mallory," Burt said. "We both know I wasn't exactly the love of your life."
They spun around and Mallory saw she was now dancing with a younger Len Trexler. "I think I'm closer than he ever was."
Then he changed after another spin and she was dancing with a younger Nicholai Jackov. "Or was it me? Or do you not even know anymore?"
"Oh, for Christ's sake," Mallory groaned. "Is this a party or a retrospective documentary? This is your life Mallory Archer!"
The man changed to Ron. "Well you have to admit Doll, you have had a lot of men. Even more than Gillette. Then again you've been alive longer than he has."
Mallory then saw Ray dealing at a blackjack table wearing his blue visor and a dealer's outfit. "Who feels lucky tonight? I'm talking to the gentleman in the back. Are you single?"
Then Mallory noticed that she was now dancing with a handsome young Italian man with blue eyes. "Do you remember how much we were madly in love Duchessa? And then you have a thirty something year affair with the man who killed me?"
Then the man morphed into Salvio. "Yeah Mallory, what's up with that?"
Then she saw Pam wearing a croupier outfit calling out to a crowd. "Winner, winner chicken dinner!" The crowd went wild.
"Okay I came here to have a party," Mallory backed away from the morphing man who morphed into another lover. "Not an intervention!"
"Mallory don't you think it's time you examined your life?" A blond man asked. "How your selfishness and alcoholism have affected the people around you? Including your son?"
"Not really no," Mallory said.
"Look I know Mallory has issues," Mr. Pennyfeather spoke up. "But she came in here to get away from her problems. Not confront them!"
"Thank you!" Mallory said.
"I mean what's the bloody point of taking drugs if you're going to confront your problems head on?" Mr. Pennyfeather asked. "Kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me."
"He gets it!" Mallory snapped.
"He's a damn giant parrot!" The man morphed back to Len again. "Who you based on your childhood imaginary friend! Which you got from a children's book your mother once read to you as a child!"
"That's why you're so familiar," Mallory looked at Mr. Pennyfeather.
"We do have history," Mr. Pennyfeather agreed.
"Maybe you should focus on your history?" Nicholai returned. "Why you are the way you are?"
"How your relationship with your father shaped your ideas about men?" Burt emerged.
"How your experiences in the war made you harder and jaded your world view?" The Italian Man added. "And hindered your emotional growth as a person."
"As well as dealing with your insecurities about relationships," Ron added.
Mallory looked at them. "Not gonna happen. Mr. Pennyfeather! Get me out of here!"
"Tally ho!" Mr. Pennyfeather shouted as Mallory jumped on his back and started to fly off.
"Mallory! You need to deal with your issues!" Len shouted.
"No! What I need is a good stiff drink!" Mallory snapped. "Let's roll, Pennyfeather!"
"Right-O!" Mr. Pennyfeather flew away.
Mallory transformed back to her regular self. "Well that was a waste of time!" Mallory groaned.
"I am so sorry Darling I did not know it was going to be that kind of party," Mr. Pennyfeather groaned. "Those wankers were bloody downers!"
"They were, weren't they?" Mallory snapped. "And so judgmental."
"I know!" Mr. Pennyfeather groaned. "You want to go to Sardis? Have a nosh and bitch about them?"
"I'd love to," Mallory looked around and noticed that everything was going black. "I'm think I'm going into the blackout phase of the drugs. Damn it. I wish I could remember what I took."
"You really should go through your medicine cabinet and take inventory," Mr. Pennyfeather said.
"Oh, don't you start!" Mallory snapped.
Cheryl floated by. "Eat the chicken sandwich!" She held a chicken sandwich. "Bawk! Bawk!" She floated away.
"I am so glad I am not going to remember most of this," Mallory groaned.
"Well next time you go into a drug induced stupor," Mr. Pennyfeather said. "You know where to find me. Somewhere around the medulla. Cheers."
Then he disappeared. And Mallory fell into blackness. "Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt!" She screamed as she fell.
Then nothing.
The next thing Mallory knew she was hearing the sound of a television.
She felt a slight pain in her head and a dryness in her mouth. She cautiously opened her eyes and found herself lying in her bed, fully clothed with an IV in her arm. She also had a dealer's visor on her head.
"What the hell was I on this time?" Mallory winced, trying to remember. "I remember taking some aspirin…Oh damn it all to hell! I must have taken some other pills by mistake!"
She could only remember snippets. Casino tables. Dancing. A blue parrot. "I really should go over my medications," Mallory groaned. Then she noticed there was a note by her bedside. "Oh, here's a note."
"Dear Ms. Archer," Mallory read. "You got hopped up on pills again and were really out of it. For some reason you thought the Figgis Agency was a casino."
Mallory paused. "That explains a few things."
Mallory kept reading. "Don't worry about the agency. There's nothing going on you need to know about. Pam."
"There's never anything going on! That's the problem Pam!" Mallory groaned. "Honestly I should check up on those idiots but I just don't want to. My brain cells need to recover."
"And for some reason," Mallory blinked. "I could really go for a chicken sandwich."