The Random Files: FMA edition

Author's Note:

The Random Files was a little series I wrote a few years back. It started out as random or funny little story ideas that didn't really have anything to do with a show or book. I would sometimes do mini crossovers at times like Owls of Ga'hoole meets Warrior Cats. But I think I deleted the whole thing... Oh well, I decided to do an FMA edition! Plot penguins made me do it, I swear!

So this is how these things are gonna work. Each chapter will be a very short mini story with completely different topics unless it's a multi-chapter one. You, my readers, can suggest topics and requests n' stuff too! I will do them as long as they don't involve anything terrible. O.O

Chapter one: Yaoi (Multi-Chapter)

(Don't worry, this is not a yaoi fic. In fact, quite the opposite. :3)

"Hey brother?" Alphonse called from their military dorm's bedroom.

"What is it Al?" Ed answered from where he was splayed on the couch in utter boredom.

"Someone left us some papers." Al said as he came walking into the living room with a packet of paper in his hands.

Edward's interest peaked and he sat up. "Lemme see! Maybe it's something I can do instead of be bored all day!" he cheered.

Alphonse handed the packet to his brother warily. He hasn't read it, but he didn't like it. The whole thing felt... Evil somehow... But Al shrugged it off and walked back into the room to finish cleaning.

Edward eagerly took the papers and scanned the heading.

"RoyEd...? What the hell is that?" Ed murmured to himself. "Oh well..."

*Twenty minutes later*

Alphonse walked back into the living room and saw his brother sitting on the couch with the papers in his lap. But what unnerved Al was the fact that Ed wasn't moving... He just stared at the wall.

"Brother?" Alphonse called, walking around the couch to look at Ed.

Edward's eye's were wide and twitchy with an angry redness to them. He looked absolutely pissed, disgusted, and horrified.

"Ed... What's the matter?" Al asked again. He crouched down to look at the papers in his brother's lap and saw that it had only been opened about halfway. Al sighed and shook his head. "You only read half of it? Thats pretty pathetic..."

"Alphonse..." Ed hissed.

Al looked up at his brother in surprise. "Yeah?"

"Do you know who left this here?" Edward asked.

"Well... No. I found it on your bed. Actually... The window was open too and I don't remember ever touching it..." Al answered. "Is there a signature or something?"

Edward reluctantly looked back down to the pages and cringed. He tore his eyes from the abomination that was sitting in his lap and carefully flipped it over to the last page as it were toxic. He tensed and slowly glanced at the bottom of the page, making sure to avoid anything else.

"LoveElric2899." Ed read aloud.

"LoveElric2899? who is that?" Al asked.

(made-up username! Sorry if it's really yours... But I'd be surprised...)

Edward clenched his fists and closed the packet of papers. "It must be the person who wrote this abomination..." He hissed.

"What's wrong with it?" Al asked as he took the papers from his brother and scanned the title. "What's a RoyEd?"

Edward cringed at the word. "That's what I said... But... I wish I never found out..." He shuddered and curled into a ball.

"What?"

"Please... You don't want to know..."

"But what is it?" Al argued. He was truly curious to know what had gotten his brother so terrified.

"Let's just say whoever wrote this has a sick, sick twisted mind... I don't even like the Colonel... I hate him in fact..." Edward shuddered again as his words trailed off.

Alphonse flipped a page and began reading. But Edward snatched the book from his brother's hands and sprinted away.

"ED!" Al shouted.

"I'm sorry! But this disgusting abomination shouldn't exist in the world!" Ed shouted as he ran out into the hallway.

"Ed, GET BACK HERE! I want to know what's in that!" Al called. He jumped up and chased after his brother.

Edward ran out into the courtyard with Alphonse hot on his heels. Passing soldiers watched in confusion and amusement as Edward ran from his brother.

Ed quickly clapped his hands and slammed then on the ground. Earth rose up and trapped Al in a tight grip.

"EDWARD! let me go! What's gotten into you?!" Al shouted as he struggled.

Edward breathed heavily and stood up. "Al, I wish I could un-see all that I have just read... I don't want you to be scarred... I'm just happy I only read half of it... I swear this book is evil! Sucking you in and striping you of your innocence and dignity... Especially when it's about you..." Ed murmured, suppressing a shudder.

"About who?" A voice asked.

Edward jumped and whipped around to see the colonel himself standing behind him. "M-Mustang... Uhhh..." Ed stuttered.

Before Edward could do anything, the papers were gone and appeared in Roy's hands. Mustang looked them over.

"What's this?"

"Please don't... I found that on my bed, I think someone snuck in through the window and left it there. P-Please give it back... It needs to be destroyed in the most malicious way possible..." Edward begged.

Ed's breath caught in his throat when the Colonel flipped the page and began to read.

"COLONEL! Stop! I'm warning you! I read only some of it and I'm scarred for life!" Ed pleaded. He tried to take the papers but Mustang just lifted it out of reach and held Edward back.

"Whats RoyEd?" Roy asked with a frown.

"You don't wanna know, now GIMME THAT!" Ed demanded.

Roy turned out to be a much faster reader than Ed had thought. He was already five pages in. Roy's expression grew more and more horrified with each page.

Mustang suddenly slammed the thick book closed and shuddered. "Fullmetal..." He murmured.

"I warned you..." Ed sighed.

"What the hell is this?"

"Some kind of sick story written by a creepy fan called LoveElric2899..." Ed answered.

"No, I mean what IS this?" Roy asked again.

"I have no flippin idea!" Ed shouted.

"Are you sure you didn't write it?"

Edward's eyes widened and he stood gaping at his superior officer. "What... You think..." he whispered. "AW, HELL NAW! you think I would write something like THAT?! You bastard!" Ed snarled and punched Roy on the arm.

"Okay... But if you didn't write it... Where is the person who did?" Roy asked shakily.

"I have no idea... But I want to murder them so badly right now!"

"Agreed..."

"Can you give that back?" Ed asked.

"No..."

Edward paled and stared at the Colonel. "Wha? WHAT?! what are you gonna do, keep it?! Maybe put it in your office to read when you're bored?! You sick twiste-"

"Hell no!" Roy snapped. "I'm going to destroy this monstrosity!"

Edward nodded. "Agreed."

The flame alchemist tossed the packet of papers onto the pavement and raised his gloved hand. In one quick snap, the pile of papers was ablaze in a torrent of fire. Roy scowled and snapped again, reducing the abomination to dust.

Roy lowered his hand and turned to look at his subordinate. "Fullmetal."

"Yes?" Edward asked warily.

"Let us never speak of this again."

"Agreed."

-(AN: there! Mah first oneshot thingie! Like it? I thought it was pretty funny. I have to wonder what the character's reactions would be if they suddenly came across a Yaoi fanfic of themselves and another character and read it? I think I would run for cover before Kimblee or Roy blows up the whole of Amestris...)