This is a new story that I'm really excited to work on! If you guys haven't read my other story, Dear Agony, it'd be awesome if you do! I'll update as soon as possible now that school is over! Now, without further ado, please enjoy the first chapter to Suffocating Under Words Of Sorrow :D
Suicide- the intention of taking one's own life.
Ha, I guess I'm suicidal then. What a shocker. I'm Clare Edwards. Many people may know me as the goody goody Christian girl who is all pure and shit. Well obviously I'm not. I've been through a lot of crap in my life, crap that most 15 year old girls should not have gone through. I guess I should be more descriptive than that, well let's see. Last year, I tried to commit suicide. Failed, not attempted, but failed. Why you may ask? Well, I guess you'll just have to find out…
Depression-a condition of general emotion, dejection and withdrawal.
You feel hopeless when you're depressed. Like, you don't matter. It gets to a certain point where, you just don't care anymore. You don't care how far you are willing to take it for someone to understand you. The crave you have for acceptance. You don't care what people say about and to you because you've heard it all before. I know what you guys are probably thinking. Maybe things like "so what, many people go through that, suck it up" or "you're such an attention whore". Trust me, that's not the case. This time, I will succeed. I will not fail at what I want. I never knew that along the way, someone will go with me too…
I went downstairs after I got dressed to go to school and surprise surprise, I find my parents going at each other's throats again.
"She would have never even tried to fucking kill herself if she lived with me Helen! Why can't you get that through your fucking head!" my dad yelled as he raised his right hand and was about to slap her when I quickly ran down the stairs and pushed him away from her.
Abuse- mental, physical, emotional…it still hurts…the bullying, the beating…you get used to. I have had to go through my dad's constant abuse. To me, to my mom, to my sister Darcy, I was the one who helped them get through it, even when I needed help myself. I never showed it. I didn't care for my own mind set; I cared about mom's and Darcy's.
He was enraged. Every time I fought back, I knew I was in for it. It is so worth it though. Seeing the look on his face, his mouth furrowed up from the top lip, his eyes fiery red. It was worth all of the beatings. The constant hurt, the teasing, the indirect insults…I was all use to it.
He grabbed ahold of my neck and gripped it as hard as he could. He pushed me up against the wall and said "who do you think you are bitch! Huh! You think that you can go around disrespecting me without any consequences?"
I knew he was expecting an answer. But me, being the sarcastic bitch that I am, I responded, "Who says that was disrespect? That was admiration to your brilliant actions", I couldn't help but smirk.
Even though I put up a fight, I'm weak. Weak on the inside. The dejection I feel from my parents. The loneliness I feel even though there are people constantly around me. I find that I feel the most alone when I'm surrounded by people. People that are too busy trying to be "cool", trying to impress someone that they think will automatically make you popular. Ha, they'll all back stab you in a certain way. They'll be two-faced bitches even if they don't mean to. You know that quote by Kurt Cobain,"wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are". That's probably the most relevant thing to say to all of those people.
He raised an eyebrow challengingly and said something that completely surprised me, "Just go to school and have a good day". He left through the front door and I stared at him, wide eyed at what he said. He never let an argument go, much less wish me a good day. Something's up, I just know it.
"Clare, just please go to school and try not to get in trouble for once. Don't give your dad a reason to do things." She said as her voice trembled, scared at what he might do to her.
My mother. The only thing that has kept me sane throughout the years . Even though she indulges in the insults and teasing towards me, she has never laid a hand on me, and that, I'm thankful for.
"Yeah, sure, I'll do my best" I said sarcastically. My mom grabbed my bag, handed it to me, turned me around by the shoulders and playfully kicked my ass towards the door. I walked down the steps and heard my mother say "bye sweetie, have a good day at school". I didn't feel like answering so I just kept on walking.
Since Degrassi was a good 20 minute walk away from my house, I took out my ipod and started to listen to some music. I put my ipod on shuffle and one of the very few songs that can make me cry came on. Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan. That song basically describes my life. I tried so hard not to break down in the middle of the street and I succeeded. Although, a few tears were shed, and I quickly wiped them away with my right sleeve before anyone saw.
From the corner of my eye, I saw that a black hummer was still behind me. I saw it since I left my house. Is it following me? I took out my ear bud from my left ear and cautiously started walking. I took a few steps and the car slowly kept on driving. When I stood still for a moment, the car stopped. That son of a bitch is definitely following me I said to myself.
I was unaware that I had arrived at school already and the hummer just sped away. I kept staring at it, wondering who the hell it was. I disregarded it for the moment and waited for the only person that has never made me cry, never let me down, and was always there for me. My best friend Adam.
I sat down at one of the tables outside and waited for him. I started to get really bored from watching the football practice so I just decided to take out my phone and text Adam as to where he was. As I was about to type, a car? No, a hearse passed by me into the school parking lot. What kid would drive a hearse? It's pretty ballsy though.
"Hey Adam where are you?"
I waited for a few minutes and he responded. His answer brought down my mood even more.
"Sorry Clare, I'm sick :/ I've been throwing up nonstop since this morning…must have been from what I ate last night.
I signed really loudly and tried not to be annoyed with him. It wasn't his fault…I guess.
"I guess I can fend off all of these idiots by myself…feel better 3"
I got up from the table and started walking towards the school. 1..2..3..4..5 I counted as I walked slowly up the steps.I suddenly felt a rush of sadness flow through me. Dammit, I forgot to take my pills this morning. Not that they help much but it's still something. I hate feeling this way, especially during school. I feel it eating away at me, even though nothing happened in that specific moment, it just comes out of nowhere. The effects of depression are fucking terrifying to say the least.
I've coped in ways that I'm not proud of but it helps so much. Even though they are dangerous, I guess. It's all that matters right?
As I walked through the hallways to get to my locker, I felt an impact against my shoulder and my back against metal. I closed my eyes and the sound from the impact was loud. Like a pissed off teenage girl slamming her locker when she catches her boyfriend cheating on her. Yeah, that loud.
I carefully opened my eyes and saw the biggest dicks in school. They just love to torture me don't they? Owen, Fitz, Jake and Alli the leader of the pack. Its uncanny how Jake and Fitz look alike,hm…focus Clare!
"Hey there little Saint Clare" Owen said at his failed attempt at sounding seductive while slowly stroking my cheek with his left hand and his right hand resting above me on the locker. His left hand kept going lower and lower until it reached my hip. "You have no idea how badly I want to corrupt a virgin" he said as I shuddered. I wouldn't let him see the affect he had on me so I just kept smirking.
"Just leave her alone Owen" Alli said. Owen backed away and I took it as a chance to walk away before she makes him do what he does almost every day. Beat the shit out of me.
"So" Alli started as she flipped her hair back, "You know, this can all be avoided with just a simple snap of my fingers. All you have to do is say that you're jealous of me and oh, I don't know, that I'm better than you" she smiled. I looked at her, I mean really looked at her, and you know what I saw, I saw insecurity. Just like me.
"The difference between you and me is that I can actually admit I have flaws".
Liar. You know you're fucked up. Flaws is a serious understatement you insecure little bitch.
I flinched. Did someone say that? Was that me?
"What the hell are you talking about? That's irrelevant to this fucking conversation" Alli said as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.
"Wow! Someone used a big word!" and there goes my big mouth.
"You just can't keep your mouth shut can you?" she said while wearing a devilish smirk.
"Guess I can't" I said while smirking. Really! Does my mouth have a mind of its own or some shit.
What came next, I should have expected. Fitz ran behind me and held my arms to my back. Owen stood in front of me when, all of a sudden, he punched me in the stomach. I groaned loudly and started coughing. Owen started laughing and turned to look at Alli. I swiftly kicked him in his balls and he bent down from the pain. He held his dick in between his hands and painfully raised his head to look at me. "You're dead Edwards!" he yelled and glanced at Fitz for a quick minute. Fitz let go of my arms and the next thing I know, I'm being picked up and thrown to the lockers. Why did I have to come so damn early to school I thought.
I screeched in agony and Owen didn't stop at there. He started kicking me in the stomach and ribs. Kick kick kick. He started kicking my legs painfully hard. Kick kick kick. I was slipping in and out of consciousness and I kept hearing voices that were fading away. "Owen, stop it!" "Dude, you're really taking this too far just stop!" "Come on man, leave her alone!"
Yeah, they see me getting beat up and they won't do anything, how amazing is that!
As I see Owen start to bend down, he makes a fist for what I am assuming to punch me and I yell "go ahead Owen, punch me you fucking prick" I stopped to cough. Great, I was coughing up blood and I'm pretty sure my whole body is covered in more bruises. More than what I already had. "Punch me! Go ahead, finish the fucking job! Punch me!" I yelled at him.
Owen smirked and said "gladly". As he was about to punch I closed my eyes, praying for this to be over but I then feel his weight off me. I slowly opened my eyes and I see a guy in all black hold him down.
"What the hell is your fucking problem dude! Beating up a fucking girl? What, is that some kind of test to prove your manliness, prick?"
Jake ran over to them and got the guy off of Owen. I slowly sat up and rested my back against the locker. They all ran away, including Alli and the dude in all black walked towards me.
I kept breathing heavily and kept on coughing up blood. "Do you want some water?" he asked me. I nodded my head and he reached for his bag to give me his bottle of water. He came to sit next to me as I chugged it down in a matter of seconds and thanked him. I laid my head against the locker and closed my eyes, feeling even sorer by the second.
"Are you okay? Why did they do that to you?" he asked softly. I gently opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him while still resting my head against the locker.
I sighed heavily and said "It's a long story and yes, I'm fine thank you" I smiled weakly at him.
"I have time" he said while staring intently into my eyes. He looked so determined to know what happened and I felt like I should tell him. Wait, does that mean I trust him? No, we just met. That didn't stop me from saying "Maybe later. I'll see you around" I said while genuinely smiling at him.
He smirked and said "you definitely will." He got up, picked up his bag, flashed me a tiny smile, and walked away. I blushed lightly and shook my head. Well, this was an interesting encounter. I laughed softly and soon regretted it. I groaned from the intense pain and remained still. There is still an hour until school starts; I guess I'll just sit here for a while.
After a while, I looked down at where he sat before and saw a piece of paper. Hm, it must've fallen out of his bag. I picked it up and it read " where you will find true happiness when you register: your determination"
Well, that's really weird. I wonder what it could be. I guess I'll have to go on that site and find out after school…
How was it? I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! If you have any predictions as to what this story is going to be about, I'd love to hear them ;)
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Love you guys!