Sorry for the colorful vocabulary, but you can't have Zombieland without the words 'shit' and 'damn' coming into play every sentence. I do not own Zombieland.
When was this shit-storm gonna end?
It had been raining since early that morning, and Tallahassee was getting real tired of it by now. Try as he may, he couldn't get the damn rain to give him some damn sight, and it was really pissing him off. Why did it have to rain so damn much? Rain meant getting wet, and getting wet meant getting any potential Twinkies wet during a run, which really pissed him off because that meant no Twinkies. What a fucking waste.
He growled in anger and frustration as he passed the line of stores he was meant to raid, which could hold those delicious Hostess snacks. And all because of this fucking rain. But just as he passed a small convenience store, he spotted a flash of bright yellow in one of the store windows. Tallahassee slammed on the brakes, the Hummer screeching to a stop. He backed it up a couple feet so he could get a good look at the window.
He was right. There, in all their motherfucking glory, were Twinkies, all packaged and ready to be taken by none other than himself. Well, old Tallahassee wasn't about to let a little rain stand in the way of him and glorified Hostess treats. While grabbing his weapon of choice, which was a shotgun at the moment, he headed out into the flooded streets and made his way towards golden deliciousness.
He stepped into the store, shouldering his gun as he gave out a sharp whistle. Nothing happened. There were no sickening squelches of the undead, or running footsteps, or anything. Just silence. Now that was strange. It was then that the Floridan hick looked around, finding smeared blood over the walls and floors, bullet shells, but no bodies. A shelf or two were knocked over, fallen over as if some zombie motherfucker had run full force into it.
Now that he was looking closely at the shelves, Tallahassee noticed they were raised a little off the ground. Raising an eyebrow, he pressed his heavy boot against them. Once again, he was right. It felt like there was something definitely under there. Probably the zombie motherfucker who ran into it. Now holding the shotgun in his hand, he used the other to lift the first shelf off the body below. He cast it away, now able to see half the body on the floor. Although, something was off about it. There was no blood around its face, none at all. In fact, there wasn't even any blood around the body, besides the dry, black blood staining its clothes. From the looks of them, they came from 'outside sources.'
Was it his imagination, or did it move? He looked more closely at it, watching it intently. Yes, it was moving. Its abdomen moved slowly up and down, the slight sound of breathing coming from it. Unless he was an idiot, and he sure as hell wasn't, the motherfuckers didn't breath.
He quickly moved the other shelf off of it, kneeling down next to it and checking for a pulse. It was there and fairly normal. That was a good sign. He flipped the person over, pulling the hoodie that shadowed its face back. He was surely surprised at what he found.
Unconscious and shallowly breathing was a girl, probably a college grad, with the curliest hair he'd ever seen. How the hell she survived after being crushed, he didn't know, but she was alive and that had to count for something. He pried her eye open to look, yelling at her to wake up. She didn't stir. He shook her shoulder and still she didn't wake up. He groaned.
He had two options; one, he could leave her here and drive off with his conscience beating the shit out of him, or two, he could take her with him until she was back on her feet, then he'd ditch her. He didn't like either option, but he eventually chose the latter. Being as careful as he could, which wasn't really careful, he picked her up bridal style and started to carry her out of the store, Twinkies forgotten.
Tallahassee tried his best to shield her from the rain, but how the hell can you really do that in a shit-storm like this? It just couldn't be done. So, he rushed towards the Hummer and gently placed her in the passenger seat, getting in himself on the other side. He drove back onto the road and started to drive off. Once they were back on the main road, he glanced back at his passenger. She still hadn't woken up.
He grumbled, looking back at the road. He didn't know when that would be or how she'd react to waking up in his Hummer, but one thing was for damn sure. She owed him a box of Twinkies.
It had been about an hour later when she awoke. The Hummer had gone over a big ol' zombie motherfucker, his head splattered on the side of the road. Tallahassee cheered at his new kill. Oh, how he loved killing them any chance he got. It sure as hell passed the time, and it was pretty damn fun. However, when the Hummer ran over it, it hit the ground with enough force to jostle the girl awake.
She hit her head on the window she'd been laying her head on, and seethed at the recoil. She lightly groaned as she rubbed her head. Tallahassee, noticing that his passenger was awake, was now looking at her, chuckling softly.
"Good mornin', sleepin' beauty," he said, startling her. She looked at him fearfully, quickly realizing that she wasn't alone and that she wasn't in the store anymore. She glanced around wildly before her gaze landed on him again. Man, she was skittish. "Hey now, i'm not gonna hurt ya. If I wanted ya dead, i'd have put a bullet in your head the moment I saw ya."
"Wh-who...?" she managed to squeak out, her voice barely above a whisper. Tallahassee waved her off.
"Doesn't matter. I'm dropping your ass off the next chance I get, so don't get too comfortable," he said, a bit too gruffly than he intended. She shrunk back into her seat, dropping her eyes to the floor.
Not even three seconds later, she spoke up again. "Um... y-you can just d-drop me off in T-Texarkana. I-I was headed that way... anyway."
Tallahassee nearly slammed on the breaks. Instead, he swerved to the left, causing the girl to go with it for lack of a seat belt. She hit her head on the dashboard, a loud cuss following after.
"Shit!" she yelled, rubbing her forehead.
Meanwhile, Tallahassee was looking at her like she was one of the zombie motherfuckers he'd run over. "You telling me you're headed east?" he asked her.
She nodded quickly. "Y-yeah. Why?"
"You gotta be shittin' me," he groaned. "Look, why the hell do you wanna go there anyway, huh?"
"I-it's on the way t-to Colombus, O-Ohio. I figured it would be a good p-place to part ways," she said, fidgeting with the string of her hoodie. Man, this kid really was skittish.
Tallahassee looked back to the road, but wasn't finished speaking. "I'll take you that far, then we're partin' ways. I'm not takin' a spitfuck like you any farther, got that?"
She nodded vigorously, chewing on the string now. She seemed to shrink back into the seat, propping her head on the window. A click caught the man's attention as he looked back at the girl. She had put on her seat belt and was now looking at him. "What?" she asked nervously. "I-it's one of my rules."
Tallahassee just groaned and looked back at the road. She was a strange little spitfuck, and he would be glad when he was rid of her. Teaming up wasn't his game. He had a long, long history with not getting along very well with others, and the sooner this broad was out of his Hummer, the better. He glanced back at the girl once more to find that she had the hoodie over her head. She looked asleep, so he was surprised when she mumbled something.
"So," she said, dragging out the word. Shit. "Where are you going?"
He hesitated for a second before answering. "Not tellin'."
"Aw, c'mon, it's not like I'd follow you," she said, frowning a little.
"Why the hell are you so interested?" he more or less spat back, causing her to jump.
"W-well," she started hesitantly, "we'll be riding together for a- a while, and I just thought-"
"Well, you thought wrong," he said gruffly, cutting her off. A flash of disappointment and embarrassment crossed her face as she shrunk back more, looking smaller than she was. Tallahassee looked at her for a good, long minute. He hated to admit it, but he felt kind of bad for saying that. He groaned, cursing this sudden softness on the girl. She was already affecting him. "Tallahassee."
She looked up. "Huh?"
"Tallahassee. That's where i'm headin'. Now, don't go followin' me or nothin', 'cause I won't tolerate it," he said, staring straight ahead.
The girl smiled. Even with the gruff comment, it was good enough for her. She looked out the window, not noticing the man's eyes on her.
Not that he'd admit this either, it was kind of nice to see that smile. He scoffed at himself, muttering a comment about women and keeping his eyes locked on the road.
I don't know how people will react to having Colombus being a girl, but they can deal with it. I thought it was a pretty cool 'what if' situation. If you liked it, tell me in a review!
~Blogbird