Nobody has to stay
But we wish they would anyways
Mirah, Nobody has to stay
I really don't know what 'I love you' means. I think it means 'Don't leave me here alone.'
Neil Gaiman
When Bonnie gets back from the Lockwood cellar, she's so tired she can barely walk.
She closes the bathroom door behind her and undresses slowly. Her hands are shaking just a little, but she still forces herself to fold her clothes neatly. That's what she'd normally do, and she desperately needs to act normally now. The spell she did was hard, but reversing it will probably be even harder, and that's what she has to focus on. The future, not the past.
She doesn't want to think about what she's done.
Her father is doing dishes downstairs, and Bonnie catches herself listening to the noises he's making instead of washing off her make-up. She turns on the shower to block the sounds – she can't get distracted now. There's work to do. She just wishes she wasn't so tired. She doesn't get nosebleeds or headaches, not any more, but they've been replaced by overwhelming fatigue that sometimes gets hard to keep at bay.
Bonnie steps into the shower automatically, but after a few minutes of just concentrating on the feeling of warm water against her skin, she snaps out of her stupor. Even as she's trying to figure out her next steps, it's very hard to keep her mind from flashing back to what happened today, Klaus in a coffin and a quick list of pros and cons that appeared in her head.
It took almost no effort to convince Tyler to do exactly what she said.
All she wants to do now is crawl into bed and sleep for a week, or at least for six hours. But she doesn't even let herself toy with the thought – she knows that sleep is out of question. It would be foolish to rest when there's so much at stake. Who knows what Klaus could be doing while she's wasting precious hours on sleep?
"I'm just taking a shower now," she thinks idly as she's rinsing her hair. "Just a shower to wake myself up."
Caroline hasn't been answering her phone, and when Bonnie tried to call Elena, everything went straight to voicemail. She still calls them both a few more times after she gets back to her room. She has to tell them what she did, has to tell them before things get even more out of control and Klaus does something terrible. Not knowing who to call next, she calls everyone. She even tries Alaric out of habit, before she remembers that they're one ally short, again.
She picks up a grimoire, not sure what exactly she's looking for. There's nothing the book can tell her that she doesn't already know. It will take more than one witch to put Klaus back into his body, and she doesn't have anyone she could ask for help with this. Still, the grimoire gives her something to do with her hands between the phone calls, dial, turn a page, dial, turn a page.
She falls asleep in an armchair, with one hand still clutching the phone, and the other resting idly on the grimoire.
Elena dreams of drowning.
She's no stranger to this particular nightmare, although she hasn't had it for a long while. She's not the kind of girl who would let herself focus on nightmares.
This time she sees Matt's face under water, but, surprisingly, the dream ends well, with Matt being dragged out to the surface. Elena can't get her eyes off his feet above her, further and further until they disappear. She read it somewhere that a happy ending means she'll never have this nightmare again.
She wakes up with a start, and her fingers automatically go to her hair to pull back all the loose strands.
That's when she realizes her hair is wet.
Elena sits up and looks around, but before she can make any sense out of what she sees, the door flies open and everything goes to hell.
All of a sudden Stefan, who must've been sitting right next to her for quite a while, is all over her, touching her face, her hands, her shoulders, her hair, asking her questions in a rough voice, as if he'd been crying just a moment ago. Damon stands frozen at the door, silent and terrified. Elena can smell blood on his shirt before she even sees it.
She can smell blood from across the room.
Oh.
Artificial light is hurting her eyes, and Stefan's questions are ringing in her ears, but she's not confused any more. Everything falls neatly into place, the car and the river, water in her nose and pain in her head.
Funny how different it was from how she imagined drowning.
"Elena, are you okay?" asks Stefan again, and she finally makes eye contact. "Elena, listen to me, do you understand what's happening to you?"
"Sure she does," answers Damon instead. Elena is out of Stefan's embrace and in front of Damon in a blink.
"You did this to me," she says simply, and Damon holds her gaze.
"You're dripping," he answers and moves slightly towards her. For a second he looks like he's waiting for her to slap him, but before she can even lift her hand, Stefan speaks again:
"It was Meredith. You were hurt really badly when you hit your head, so she gave you blood. We weren't even sure if it wasn't out of your system by the time..."
"Then why didn't she tell me?" asks Elena accusingly, certain that there must've been a mistake. "Why didn't she just tell me?"
"She didn't want you to worry."
"Can we please have the full recap at home? Unless you really want to do it at the morgue?" says Damon impatiently.
"I'm not going anywhere with you."
Elena isn't entirely sure why she said it, but when Stefan steps forward to try to talk some sense into her, she suddenly feels so angry and confused she almost pushes him away.
"I have to go home," she says stubbornly.
"Elena, it's not safe. You're in transition, you could hurt anyone. You could hurt Jeremy."
"I won't hurt my brother."
"Elena..."
"I won't hurt my brother!"
She's soaking wet and filthy, not to mention officially dead, but she doesn't care. She moves past Damon and walks out of the morgue, sure that the Salvatores will follow to avoid making a scene. She doesn't stop until they reach the parking lot.
"Elena, think about it," says Stefan as soon as they've left the crowd behind. "You need to adjust, you need to learn how to control your urges. Please, you need to listen to me."
She shakes her head and manages to give him a sad smile. They look at each other for a minute or two, and when Stefan is the first to break eye contact, Elena knows she won.
"I'm gonna need a lift," she says softly. Then she turns to Damon. "Do you still have blood in your trunk?"
Damon tosses her the keys. She can't really read his expression, but she doesn't stop to think about it. She can't think right now, not about Damon and Stefan, not about Jeremy, and certainly not about why she's doing what she's about to do. Instead, she opens the trunk, grabs two bloodbags, and downs one of them before either of the brothers can stop her. After the first gulp she knows it was foolish to do it like this, in the open, but she finishes what she started, fights through the pain in her gums until there's nothing left in the bag. She can almost feel two pairs of eyes staring at her in shock, but she doesn't pay them any notice. She needed it done before any doubts could settle, before anyone could say a word. She just needed it done.
She doesn't give Damon back his keys. She can't bring herself to sit in the passenger's seat, but maybe if she's driving, she can do this. After all, cars don't go off bridges when she's driving.
When Jeremy sees her on the porch, he runs out of the house and hugs her so tightly it almost hurts.
"Oh God, you're alive," she hears him whisper. "How are you even alive?"
"She isn't," says Damon from behind her.
Jeremy takes a step back, as if only now noticing her wet clothes and the unmistakeable stench of the river. He shakes his head in disbelief.
"Meredith," answers Elena before Jeremy can even ask the question. "When you guys brought me in last night. You knew I was dead?"
He nods slowly.
"Ric was here to say goodbye. Are you going to complete transition?" he asks, but then he notices something on her cheek and inhales deeply. "You already did, didn't you?"
Elena nods. The look on Jeremy's face makes her think that coming home might not have been the best idea, but her brother pulls himself together quickly.
"You look like you need a shower," he says quietly. "Come on in."
They don't sleep a wink.
Jeremy brings Elena fresh clothes and fresh towels so she could wash the river off her. While she's in the shower, she can hear him walking erratically around the kitchen, putting something in the sink, opening and closing cupboards, fumbling around the fridge, a typical Gilbert panic attack.
In fact, she can hear everything, water dripping from the tap and the neighbor's cat running across the porch. Jeremy's heart is racing a little, or maybe this is just a normal, human heartbeat, and it only seems quicker because Elena's been listening to Damon's and Stefan's hearts for the last half an hour.
"I cleared one shelf in the fridge," says Jeremy when Elena steps into the kitchen. "You're gonna need it, right? For the blood? Do we even have blood? You shouldn't... There should be blood. Right?"
"Sit down, Jer," she asks firmly. His steps are loud, too loud, now that she's right next to him. All the sounds and smells are making her head ache.
When Jeremy doesn't make a move towards the table, Elena lets out an impatient sigh. She collapses on the chair and presses her hands against her temples. "Or make me some coffee, would you?"
"Sure."
He takes her favorite mug out of the dishwasher, and Elena shudders, hit by the sound of dishes banging against each other.
"Caroline and Tyler are on the move," she says just to say something, hoping that if she focuses on a conversation, she can tune out the background sounds. "Alaric killed Klaus."
"Good," says Jeremy, putting the mug in front of her. "Elena, how... what happened to you?"
"I drowned."
She tries to keep her story short. Simple sentences and facts. She gets a bit erratic around the middle, and probably reveals more than she meant to, but it's okay. Jeremy is still in shock, so he doesn't notice anyway.
"I'm gonna try to sleep," says Elena as soon as she's done.
"Just like that? You became a vampire, and you're gonna, what, sleep it off?"
"You got a better idea?"
Damon buries Alaric alone.
He probably shouldn't be doing it like that. Not in the middle of the night, not at the old cementery in the woods. He should call everyone and let them say goodbye, have another freaking send-off with candles and whatnot, but, well. Another bullet point on the list of fucks he doesn't give.
He just needed to do something with his hands.
He isn't drunk yet, didn't stay at the house long enough. The sound of Stefan pacing around his room like a caged animal was driving Damon crazy, so after a few minutes he just left the bottle of bourbon on the table and took off. He didn't feel like drinking alone anyway.
For a brief second he considered checking up on Elena, but decided against it. She didn't need to see him like that, shaking hands and unsure steps, and she sure as hell didn't need his apologies.
Alaric is surprisingly heavy, heavier than he used to be when he was just drunk. Damon lowers him into the grave carefully, takes his time. He isn't good at goodbyes, but he thinks he owes Alaric that much, a few quiet moments, no rush and no fuss.
He should probably do something melodramatic, give a speech or have a drink with Alaric's grave. That's what people have funerals for, they bury grief in chatter and drinks, but Damon can't really find the right words. He just stands there like an idiot, alone and silent, because "You died on me, twice, and Elena didn't even fight for her own life" doesn't really cover it, not when he's only alive because the two of them aren't. People need to fucking stop saving his life.
He puts the shovel back into the trunk of his car and plans to go straight home, but eventually ends up sitting outside Elena's house till dawn.
Stefan shows up at Bonnie's doorstep first thing in the morning.
It takes her a minute to figure out the source of the sound that woke her up, but when Stefan keeps knocking, she finally crawls off her armchair and lets out a groan. She really wishes she'd got to bed before she fell asleep last night, because it seems like every single muscle in her body is aching, Bonnie had no idea she even had that many muscles.
She's still clutching her phone when she answers the door.
"What happened?" she starts before Stefan can even say hello.
"Is there somewhere we can talk?"
She's about to lead him into the living room, but when he doesn't follow her inside, she remembers he's never actually been at her place. Awkwardly, she turns around, grabs a jacket and joins Stefan on the porch. It's probably very rude of her to do so, but he pretends he didn't notice.
"What is it?" asks Bonnie after she closes the door.
"There's been an accident," says Stefan slowly.
Bonnie immediately thinks of Caroline, but before she can ask, Stefan is talking about Elena, and Matt, and Rebekah. Bonnie shakes her head in disbelief, because he isn't making any sense, no sense at all. Elena couldn't have died just like that, quickly and without warning. That's how other people die, Bonnie knows it by now, but not Elena, never Elena.
"You're wrong," she blurts out, and Stefan gives her a sympathetic look. She could scratch his eyes out now.
"We didn't know she had vampire blood in her system," he says like it explains something. "And, Bonnie... There's more."
"Of course there is."
"After Alaric killed Klaus, Rebekah was convinced we would all die. She was absolutely sure that we are a part of his bloodline. But we didn't die, and we have no idea what's happening. Please, Bonnie... I know it's a lot to ask right now, but it's about your mom, and Caroline. We still don't know whose blood was used to turn..."
"I put Klaus in Tyler's body before Alaric could kill him," announces Bonnie flatly.
"You... How?"
"Same spell his witches used to put him in Alaric's body before."
Bonnie isn't sure how much time they spend standing on the porch in silence. She doesn't really feel like coming back to the house. She's mindlessly fiddling with her phone, passing it from one hand to the other, and then back again. "I should try to call Caroline again," she thinks idly.
"Bonnie, can I trust you not to tell Elena about this?" asks Stefan finally.
"What do you mean: not tell Elena? We need to tell everyone! What if Klaus tries to make contact with someone? What if he tries to make contact with Caroline? She..."
"Caroline left town last night. Alone. She thinks Tyler is dead."
Bonnie doesn't even want to know how Stefan knows this, doesn't want to know how he contacted Caroline when she couldn't. She slips her useless phone into her pocket and closes her eyes.
"Elena has enough on her plate already," continues Stefan. "She needs to feel safe right now, she needs time to adjust. Transition is not easy to get through..."
"I know that," interrupts Bonnie sharply and looks Stefan right in the eye.
He lowers his gaze immediately, and Bonnie thinks this is probably the only apology she'll ever get from him.
Stefan comes to visit around noon, when Elena is already half-crazy because of locked doors and closed curtains. At dawn, she woke up on fire, because she'd forgotten about her bedroom curtains before she went to sleep, a rookie mistake, really. Jeremy heard her scream and rushed into her room still half-asleep, not quite sure what to do until his brain processed why Elena was hiding in a tiny strip of shadow in the corner. They both spent the rest of the day walking around the house and obsessively checking every window. It was enough to make Elena feel like she's developing full-blown cabin fever.
Funny, how she always liked sunny rooms.
Stefan walks in like this was just any other day. He's a bit quieter, perhaps, maybe a little more attentive, but that's all. Elena appreciates that he's trying so very hard to act normal. It feels good to have him around, but it's annoying that he's here. Elena isn't sure how she can feel both those things at once, but, apparently, she can now. Maybe she always could, she just didn't know about it.
"How are you doing?" asks Stefan politely.
"I'm dealing," she says simply. It's bad enough that Jeremy has to participate in her insecurities, she doesn't need Stefan to baby her.
She wishes Caroline was here, misses her courage and sunny attitude, but Caroline had to run to save herself. She's probably better off without them anyway.
Elena bravely steps into the kitchen and starts making breakfast out of habit. She reaches for a frying pan only to remember that it's not pancakes she's starving for, but she takes milk and eggs out of the fridge anyway. They kind of forgot about food in the morning, so she might as well make some.
Things are finally starting to settle in her head. She knows it's important that she stays calm, so she does, makes an effort to put all doubts and fears aside. She has her responsibilities and she can't afford to break down right now. She decides she'll be serious from now on, serious and level-headed. That should get her through the day.
"So what's the plan?" she asks, trying to sound very business-like. "What are we gonna do next?"
"I'm not sure. I thought we should all meet at the Boarding House tonight. A lot happened and..."
"Okay," agrees Elena before Stefan can even finish the sentence. "Sounds good, let's do it."
He startles her a bit when he gets up, but she doesn't even flinch. Stefan comes up to her and puts his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at him.
"Elena, is everything all right?" he asks. "Because it's okay if it isn't. You don't..."
"I'm fine, Stefan. I am, really. It just takes some getting used to. I'll be fine."
"We're gonna get through this," promises Stefan fiercely. "I can help you, I'll do anything you need me to do."
Elena closes her eyes and nods.
Stefan stays with them for the rest of the day and helps Elena reorganize her life.
They start with the easy stuff, moving vervain out of Elena's way and triple-checking all the windows. They pull some old curtains from the attic and wash them so that they can remove blankets and towels Jeremy hastily hung here and there in the morning, and they don't talk about blood. They most definitely don't talk about blood.
Elena doesn't even know how to start. She isn't sure if she should ask for advice, or maybe they should sit down to discuss all the pros and cons of animal and human blood? Every opening line she can come up with sounds equally absurd, but she needs to talk to someone, and talking to Stefan seems to be the most logical option. Not yet, though. She can delay, just for a few more hours. The elephant in the room is getting harder and harder to ignore, but Elena doesn't want to ruin the mood. She likes this, the glimpse of normalcy she can share with Stefan. They were always so good at this.
When she finally says "I'm hungry," she feels a bit guilty that she didn't manage to wait a bit longer.
"We can't go hunting before sunset," replies Stefan as if he was saying something obvious. "You don't have your daylight ring yet."
Just like that, problem solved. Animal blood it is. Elena feels relieved and furious at the same time, and, not sure whether she should hug Stefan or slap him, she settles for pouring some fabric softener into the washing machine.
The Boarding House looks ridiculously cozy in the light of the moon, almost like some freaking safe haven. Bonnie knows she's probably the last one to come, but she's been browsing the grimoires till the last minute, hoping she'd find a way to reverse the spell all by herself.
(Hoping she'd be able to put off seeing Elena, the new Elena, for a little bit longer.)
Damon gets the door before Bonnie can even knock. She's ready to set his shirt on fire if he as much as looks at her funny, but he moves out of her way immediately.
Elena is standing near the corner, right by the window. Bonnie can't help herself, she rushes towards her and grabs her arm, hoping for a second that nothing will happen. When she sees the familiar image of death on the back of her eyelids, she feels like someone slapped her on the face.
Elena doesn't even look at her, and Bonnie steps back with a pang of guilt.
"What happened?" she asks sharply even though Stefan already told her everything. "You weren't answering your phone, I was calling..."
"Matt and I went off Wickery Bridge."
Elena notices Damon's face change when Stefan picks up after her and starts telling everyone what exactly happened last night. Matt shifts uncomfortably on his chair and Bonnie shushes him impatiently, but Elena barely registers it. She keeps her eyes focused on Damon's hand. His fingers are clutching a glass tighter and tighter, like they were about to shatter it any second now.
He leaves the room before Stefan can even finish talking.
Elena starts watching her own hands instead, not ready to look anyone in the eye. She starts wondering why Stefan even thought they should have this meeting when there's nothing left to discuss, no enemy to defeat. She never wanted Jeremy to know that much about last night, and she doesn't need a support group, but she decides to trust Stefan's instinct. It's not like she has any idea what to do next.
"What happened to Tyler?" she asks just to change the subject. Maybe Stefan is right and they all need to join forces now, but she's had enough of a play-by-play of her own death.
She can see Bonnie's face drop, and that's when she realizes that if Klaus is dead, so is Tyler, a connection she didn't make last night.
"Oh my God," she whispers, panicked. "God, they were going to leave, they left, I never thought..."
"Tyler made it," says Stefan calmly.
"But how's that possible?"
"I have no idea."
Elena looks around the room, as if trying to get an answer, but no one's even looking at her (they can't even look at her). Suddenly she feels that she's had enough. She's being selfish, she knows it, she knows that she should be doing all in her power to figure out if Tyler's still in danger, but she can't help herself. She stands up and walks out of the room. Stefan is saying something about a daylight ring, and she probably interrupts him mid-sentence, but whatever. She can't be here. She has to be not here.
She isn't sure where she's heading, but eventually she ends up in front of Damon's door. It's as good a "not here" as any other, a no-place, silent and empty. Well, not exactly empty, because she knows Damon is inside, but it doesn't matter that much. Being around Damon is not very different from being alone.
Elena doesn't stop to think where this conclusion came from. It just appeared, popped up from the back of her head like so many things did today. She hasn't been comfortable around Damon for weeks, and in five minutes she'll probably be uncomfortable again, but it doesn't mean she can't talk to him now.
"He didn't tell you last night?" asks Elena casually, stepping into the bedroom. "About what exactly happened?"
"We didn't talk much."
"Listen, about..."
"You don't need to explain anything," interrupts Damon. He's calm and composed, a facade Elena isn't buying for even a second.
"They why are you mad?"
"I'm not mad."
He's standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, a pile of books in his hands. Apparently, he's been clearing his bedside table, and he didn't stop when Elena came in.
"Do you really need to be cleaning up right now?" she asks without thinking. She needs him now, needs his friendship and his company. She doesn't want him to be so distant, but then she remembers that she's not allowed to want things from him, not any more, so she stops mid-thought, confused, angry, and sad.
She doesn't hear his answer, she gets distracted by the sound of Stefan's steps in the corridor. Damon must hear them too, because he gently places his pile of books on the floor right before the door opens.
"Done with your war council?" he asks, still deceptively calm.
"It got kind of pointless after you two left."
Elena is pretty sure they're talking over her head. There's something going on between them that she doesn't understand, doesn't have enough information to understand. Some old conflict, old tension, possibly mixed with very fresh anger; an impossible riddle.
"You seem to be doing pretty well on your own," says Damon off-handedly. "How do you enjoy making all the life and death decisions?"
"I did what had to be done."
Elena doesn't even have time to turn her head before Damon takes a swing. The blow is so hard it makes Stefan bend, his hand pressed against his cheek. For a moment, the silence is deafening. Elena wants to scream, even though she knows she shouldn't, so she just wills herself to back off instead, looks at both brothers, hoping for any kind or explanation.
"I take it you two had a heart-to-heart," says Stefan before he straightens up.
Bonnie reaches for a doorknob when Elena storms out of Damon's bedroom. She's out of sight before Bonnie can even say a word, and maybe it's a good thing, because Bonnie has no idea what she'd say.
She enters the room with her brave face on, but once she gets past the door, she discovers no one's paying her any notice. The Salvatores look like statues frozen in the middle of a fight, Damon massaging his knuckles and Stefan touching his cheek. It's so melodramatic that on any other day Bonnie would laugh.
"Oh, good, you're here," says Damon as if nothing happened, as if he didn't punch his brother in the face just a few seconds ago. "We're gonna need a daylight ring for Elena."
"I can't make a ring."
"Excuse me?"
Bonnie takes a deep breath before she answers. She reminds herself that she doesn't have to do what she's told, but it's still difficult to refuse Damon when he isn't even asking, sure she'd do exactly what he says.
"The spell I cast on Klaus?" she explains. "I barely managed it, and now I have to reverse it. I can't use my powers on anything else now."
"Hold on, what spell? What..." starts Damon again, but Stefan catches his arm, as if trying to say he'd fill him in later.
"Are you sure?" asks Stefan, looking her straight in the eye. "Please, think about it."
Bonnie shakes her head stubbornly. She does all in her power to ignore Damon, to focus solely on Stefan, but it's not that easy, because Damon Salvatore sure as hell is not used to being ignored.
"Wait. What's going on here?" he demands, but Stefan waves him off, still concentrated on Bonnie, who suddenly can't stand his concerned look and smooth, soothing voice.
"Elena really needs that ring, you know," he says quietly.
There are twenty different replies running through Bonnie's head. She wants to ask why is it Stefan who's asking her, and not Elena herself, she wants to agree just so they leave her alone, she wants to scream and tell them she won't be pushed around any more, she wants...
"I'm sorry. I can't," she says before Damon can open his mouth again.
Elena opens her closet, throws everything on the floor and starts reorganizing her life.
(This is it, she tells herself as she stands between piles of clothes, one night of a breakdown, and then she'll be whole again. One night is all she allows herself to have.)
She can see the smallest holes in her socks and tiniest stains on her sweats, so work is easier than it's even been before. Soon there are two piles on the floor, things to throw away and things to wash. Almost everything has to be washed again, because she smells blood, her clothes are soaked with old, dried blood. Most of it is her own, from scratches and cuts she got when she was running for her life, but there's also Stefan's blood, there's Caroline's, Damon's, Jeremy's and Alaric's, loads and loads of Alaric's. Elena throws everything into the washing machine, believing that in the morning, everything will be clean, and she'll be all right, balanced, calm and not hungry. She most definitely won't be so hungry.
When Jeremy gets back home, Elena says hi and immediatelly goes out, but that's okay. It's not like she's running away from him. She just needs to burn the clothes she drowned in.
Bonnie barely goes out of her room for the next few days.
Her dad doesn't ask questions when she does that, not anymore, so she pulls out all her grimoires and gets to work. She's smarter now, smarter than she was mere months ago. She knows that magic is not about chanting spells or lighting candles. It's about power and will, about pushing hard enough to make Nature do your bidding. After what she's done, the spirits only give her as much power as she forces out of them. Even spells she used to do without blinking now become a struggle – it's almost like learning magic all over again.
Bonnie knows she needs help to put Klaus back into his own body, but she has no one to ask (no one she trusts enough to ask), so she just keeps digging, trying to find additional ways to draw power, anything she can lean on to make herself stronger. She couldn't make a daylight ring even if she wanted to.
Stefan calls her every day, calm, kind, and concerned, making sure Bonnie's keeping his secrets and building up her strength, no pressure, of course, never any pressure. Elena hasn't talk to her since that night at the Boarding House, not even to ask for a ring, and Bonnie has no idea why, but somehow she doesn't feel like calling herself.
Not until the nosebleeds go away again.
Damon can't stand to be anywhere near Elena.
She's probably surprised she doesn't have him around all the time, but she works hard to not let it show. Or maybe it doesn't touch her as much as he imagines. Maybe she's too preoccupied with controlling her hunger and managing her senses.
They see each other a lot. Elena is at the Boarding House every day. She talks to Stefan and hunts with Stefan, and soon she'll probably resume sleeping with Stefan. Damon is a bit surprised she hasn't yet, but he doesn't want to know whose decision it was.
Sometimes he wonders how much he has yet to find out, what else happened during those twenty four hours when Alaric died and Bonnie saved Klaus. He tries not to dwell on it, because thinking about that night leads to thinking about Elena, and he can't have that now. He can't be thinking about Elena.
He tries to focus on something productive instead, on fixing what Alaric ruined with the Council, but he finds himself avoiding Carol and Liz, the way he always avoided grief and abandonment. Maybe skipping town wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. He toys with the idea for a while. He could leave just like he promised, pack a bag (or not, he always liked traveling light) and hit the road.
Not that he'll actually do it any time soon, but it's a good thought to have.
Just like Elena expected, life soon goes back to normal. The world doesn't stop just because she died, there're still dishes to do and bills to pay. So Jeremy takes to school a note from Meredith, saying that Elena has something serious and possibly contagious, and then they start developing some sort of a routine.
Days are a bit hard at the beginning, but Elena knows she can make everything work. She sleeps till noon and deals with homework while Jeremy is at school, does some cleaning and cooking (though, to be fair, not that much cooking), keeps herself busy.
Blood never appears in her house. She isn't entirely sure when she made this decision, but that's what she wants now. Every night she hunts with Stefan, determined to keep catching rabbits and squirrels until it stops feeling weird. Apparently, it's easier to never start drinking human blood than to stop doing it once you started, so Elena keeps a strict diet she never talks about, not to Stefan and not to Jeremy (they're the only people she really talks to these days).
She picks up the phone for a few times, thinking about calling Bonnie or maybe Caroline, but eventually she always ends up at the Boarding House. It's much easier to be there than to be at home. She just has to follow a few simple rules and she's fine, no doubts and no struggle, at least not on her part.
Elena keeps her eyes on the Salvatores as they sit on either side of her in the library, Stefan right next to her, and Damon in an armchair far on her left. Suddenly, she feels invisible, completely hidden behind Damon's sarcasm and Stefan's calmness. They're still fighting about her, she knows it, but she doesn't get a say. She isn't sure yet if she should be angry about it.
When she goes back home that night, she runs to Bonnie's house before she can talk herself out of it. Bonnie answers the door fully dressed and awake, even though it's 4AM, and after a moment of silence, Elena asks to borrow the latest vocabulary list for French, because she has no idea how to say something that matters.
Elena can hear things sometimes, things she isn't supposed to hear. The Salvatores keep forgetting about her new superhuman senses, and from time to time they let things slip, things about secrets and spells. Once she even hears Damon mention Klaus, but Stefan shushes his brother immediately. Something in Elena wants to step right in, admit that she overheard their conversation and demand an explanation, but there's also a part that's too damn tired to ask any questions, a part that just wants to keep quiet and know nothing.
So Elena does nothing, pretends she never saw or heard a thing, but she can't help keeping her eyes open. She knows that Damon is getting more and more annoyed every day, and it doesn't take a genius to notice that he's avoiding her. It's fine with her most of the time, makes both of their lives much easier, but she still can't resist poking him whenever she has the chance. Elena has no idea what she's counting on. She either wants to be friends again, or wants to make him leave town. Maybe she wants neither. Or both. It's hard to tell.
"Does it ever get easier?" she asks when they meet in the kitchen. It seems to be a neutral question, something a new vampire would totally ask an older one.
"Why don't you ask Stefan?"
"I'm asking you."
Damon is so distant he seems hostile, but Elena still keeps pushing, curious how he'd react. There're so few things she allows herself be curious about lately.
"You just have to tune it all out," he says impatiently.
"That's exactly what Stefan said."
"Well, here you go," says Damon with a shrug. He takes his glass and makes a move as if he was going to leave, but he stops when Elena calls after him.
"What do you want me to say?" he snaps, angry enough to make Elena a bit angry as well. "No, it doesn't get any easier. You just get used to it."
"You know, sometimes I hear and smell so many things it makes me sick," Elena blurts out before she realizes that this is off limits. Poking Damon is fun, but she's gone too far this time. She shouldn't even be thinking something like that, let alone saying it out loud.
Damon gives her a faint smile.
"Yeah. Me too."
Damon starts checking up on Bonnie about a week after everything went to hell (again), and at first, she has no idea what to think about it. He's his usual, obnoxious self, pissy and demanding. Every time he shows up, Bonnie has this urge to brain-whammy him just to make sure he knows his place.
"I'm still weak, but this spell, I can manage, don't worry," she tells him the third day he comes. Damon shrugs.
"Noted," he says simply.
It doesn't make him behave any better, obviously, and on day five, Bonnie does brain-whammy him just in case, but she sort of grows to like his visits. There's some honesty and simplicity to Damon, something that makes her not feel bad about not inviting him in or slamming the door in his face. She's allowed to not have complicated feelings about him: he's an ally, he's useful, and she hates him. Plain and simple.
Whatever excuse Damon has for his visits, Bonnie knows they're all about Elena. Or maybe that's just how she wants to see it, because she can't stop thinking about Elena either.
(It's easier to think about Elena than about Klaus or Tyler, about duty, or Nature, or punishment.)
"How long until you get your mojo back?" asks Damon, stretching comfortably on a chair on Bonnie's front porch. "We can't wait forever, you know."
"And what exactly are you waiting for?" she shoots back at him, even though she knows the answer all too well.
"You're vulnerable. It's not safe for all of us when you're vulnerable. Do you even know where Klaus is right now?"
"I don't," admits Bonnie with an annoyed sigh. "Why didn't you two just keep track of him?"
"My brother is busy running a vampire kindergarten. I'm... busy."
"Obviously," she says, and she's about to go back to the house, but Damon isn't done yet.
"Will you be ready when he comes back?" he asks before she can open the door.
That's another thing Bonnie tries very hard not to think about. Things are quiet now, because Klaus disappeared God knows where, but one day, he's bound to come back, and that's when all the secrets will blow up in Bonnie's face.
She tries not to answer, but Damon holds her gaze, unnaturally serious.
"Oh, go away already," she snaps at him.
"Will you?" repeats Damon and stands up, not yet blocking the door, but ready to do it if she tries to get inside.
Bonnie keeps thinking that maybe if she stops helping vampires, the spirits will make it easier for her to get her full powers back, but then she remembers Caroline and Elena, and nothing is simple any more. Life is all secrets, lies and choices these days, and Bonnie never signed up for any of this.
"I will," she says finally, hoping she sounds brave and self-assured enough to convince Damon, if not herself.
Bonnie shows up at Elena's door with a handful of notebooks, bringing homework she probably knows the teachers are emailing to Elena anyway.
Elena lets her go through with the act, invites her to the living room and patiently asks questions about assignments. They talk Biology, English and History; apparently, there's a sub for Alaric, some young, frightened creature who can't let go of his notes while he's lecturing. Elena has questions about her English paper, and Bonnie needs to bicker about French.
"I should've dropped when I could!" she says, shaking her head, and Elena finds herself smiling. This is good, this glimpse of normality they can share before they get their hands dirty. Elena knows that this is just a build-up to a more serious topic. Bonnie never liked saying things abruptly, she needed a conversation to settle before she said something important, and Elena can tell she didn't come all the way down here just to discuss "Mrs. Dalloway."
Soon they're sitting in Elena's room, stocked with coffee and cookies, just like old times (a year ago, give or take a few months). They try several topics, but nothing rings quite right, not when Bonnie asks about blood and not when Elena asks about Caroline.
"This is weird, isn't it?" asks Bonnie finally, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"It is."
"I don't want things to be weird."
Elena reacts automatically, reaches to squeeze Bonnie's hand or touch her shoulder, but eventually thinks better of it and awkwardly clenches her fist. She isn't human anymore, and Bonnie can feel it every time she gets too close. So much for "not weird."
"I put Klaus in Tyler's body," says Bonnie suddenly, looking as if she was expecting an attack.
Elena does the first stupid thing that comes to her mind: she sits up and starts laughing, because, really, Bonnie Bennett, the Bonnie Bennett who wouldn't even cheat on homework that one time in third grade, just bodyswapped their childhood friend and their mortal enemy. She really hopes life doesn't get any more absurd.
When Elena can finally breathe again, Bonnie is already gone.
Now it's not that hard to connect all the dots and understand the whispers she's been overhearing for days. Elena is stuck in the house at least for a few more hours, but she's wired, determined to do something about what she just heard. She tries to call Caroline and Bonnie, but neither picks up the phone, and Elena can't think of anything else to do. In the end she just paces around the house, randomly rearranging things on shelves and tables, her anger stewing slowly (now is not a good time to be angry).
She runs to the Boarding House right after sunset and takes a few deep breaths before she knocks.
"You can't keep things like that from me," she tells Stefan right away; she wants to have a serious conversation and she can hear they're alone, so she lets herself be blunt.
He looks sufficiently ashamed, quiet and troubled, so Elena makes an effort to not be so harsh. An argument is the last thing they need, she reminds herself.
"You had your transition to deal with," says Stefan quietly. "I didn't think..."
That's when Elena changes her mind. She doesn't want to have a conversation anymore. Above all she wants to not be having a conversation, so she kisses Stefan before he can finish the sentence, grabs his hair to pull him closer. The kiss doesn't last very long (they haven't kissed ever since she came back to life), but it's okay, really. Elena feels a little strange and embarrassed, but she isn't angry anymore, and that's what counts. Funny how, once upon a time, she used to be able to talk about stuff.
They go hunting, but Elena doesn't last very long. She's distracted and anxious, not really in a shape to pick up trail or focus on sounds.
"I'm not that hungry today," she says with a smile. "Don't worry about me. I'm gonna go back to the Boarding House."
She heads straight to the basement. She's pretty sure that's not what she planned for tonight, but it doesn't really matter, not when she opens the fridge and stares at bloodbags arranged neatly in piles, fresh stuff to the left, older a bit to the right, every expiration date clearly visible to avoid confusion.
Not that she really has time to think about expiration dates.
Elena sinks her teeth into a bloodbag, and it feels so good she almost screams. The bag is empty in a blink, and Elena reaches for another one, too hungry to care about anything.
"Oh, this is just pitiful."
Damon is standing at the doorway, his arms folded, watching her with a smirk. Elena was so busy stuffing herself she hadn't even heard him coming. She drops a half-empty bag on the floor and erratically tries to wipe her mouth, but only ends up smearing more blood on her cheeks and chin.
There's a moment of awkward silence, and then Damon shrugs, moves past Elena and takes a bloodbag out of the fridge.
"Don't even bother sweeping the floor," he says as if nothing happened. "Stefan spilled so much blood here over the years the tiles are ruined anyway. I should just put some linoleum here."
"Damon, I..."
"I mean it, don't worry about it," he says in a cold voice, avoiding eye contact, and Elena reacts automatically.
She reaches and cups his face, one hand, then the other. Damon tries to sneak away, but she forces him to look at her, not really sure what she wants to accomplish, wishing she'd stop feeling so terribly stupid.
Elena can feel Damon's muscles shift under her touch. He shakes his head, gives up, lets himself look at her.
"Come on, let's clean you up," he says simply, and Elena finds herself following him out of the cellar.
They end up in Damon's bathroom. Elena tries very hard not to look at the mirror as she washes her face, but she still catches a few glimpses of red. It should disgust her, she knows it should, and at first it does, but then her glances get longer and longer. Finally, she can't stop looking, mesmerized by her own bloody mouth and bloody cheeks.
Damon brings a towel and stands quietly behind her. Elena's first instinct is to look down and pretend she was just washing up, but suddenly it seems stupid to hide things from him when he already knows so much. She holds his gaze in the mirror and slowly touches her own jaw, following blood stains with her fingers.
"Say it," she commands when she feels ready to face him.
"Say what?"
"I don't know. A lecture, a few friendly tips from an older vampire, whatever. Go on, the stage is yours."
"You want me to say something so you can ignore it?"
Elena can't help it, she lets out a mirthless laugh and turns around to look at Damon.
"Something like that," she replies honestly, because his usual hostility is not here right now, and she misses the ease they used to have before things went straight to hell. "I guess I just fail at that vampire thing."
"Nah, you're doing alright. I ate a Sunday school when I was your age. And a pastor. Wasn't pretty."
"The pastor?"
"Not what I meant, but now that you mention it? Definitely not my type."
Elena shakes her head and smiles before she turns back to the sink to finish cleaning herself up. This shouldn't be funny, she knows it, but, frankly, she can't bring herself to care. She has enough on her plate already.
"So no lecture?" she asks, taking the towel from Damon's hands.
"Oh, stop with the melodrama. So you had a bad day and massacred a few bloodbags. It happens."
She doesn't answer for a while, puzzled by his strange attitude, not sure if she can trust him with more. There are things she never planned on telling anyone, but she's so tired of her struggle to keep herself together. It would be wonderful if she could get some stuff off her chest.
"I'm still hungry," she confesses. "I'm hungry all the time."
"Sure," says Damon simply. "Grab a glass, will you?"
This isn't what she meant, and he must know it, but before Elena can say a word, he's out of the room. She can hear him opening the fridge downstairs, and then running back up, just like that, as if she asked for a sandwich. She's angry all of a sudden, ready to tell him off as soon as he shows his face, remind him that she doesn't drink human blood and yell at him for ignoring her, but when he appears, four bags in his hands, she can't really find any words.
Elena bites her lip, opens Damon's cabinet and takes out two tall glasses.
When Bonnie hears someone knocking on her door at five in the morning, she is a bit surprised Elena lasted that long. That's how it usually works, Elena either rushes out and tries to fix things immediately, or ignores them and hopes they'll fix themselves. It's kind of comforting that at least some things are still quite predictable.
"I'm sorry," says Elena as soon as she hears the lock being opened. "I'm sorry, it all came out wrong."
For a minute Bonnie wants to slam the door in her face, the way she sometimes does to Damon, but then she looks at Elena's empty hands. There's nothing this time, no notes, no textbooks and no excuses. Elena is being as honest as she gets these days, and that's what makes Bonnie step aside.
"Come on in," she says, trying to make it sound like not a big deal.
Elena holds her gaze as she crosses the threshold.
They spend the whole day together, because dawn surprises Elena as she's waiting for coffee in Bonnie's bright, sunny kitchen. They retreat upstairs, carefully cover all the windows and end up not really talking about anything important, completely ignoring grimoires stuck in every corner. Soon they start dozing off in a slumber, just like during their numerous yet futile attempts to stay up all night when they were thirteen.
Bonnie hasn't been sleeping that well lately (a new problem to add to her list); most of the time, she's painfully, exhaustingly awake, her eyes dry and wide open, her mind racing restlessly. Now she closes her eyes just for a second, and next thing she knows it's five hours later. Elena is snoring softly by her side, and okay, maybe they aren't ready to talk about what's really wrong between them, but the no-talking they're sharing right now isn't actually half bad.
Elena never tells Stefan she spent the day at Bonnie's, even though she is pretty sure he was looking for her. He doesn't ask, so she doesn't tell, it's not like she's lying to him. She's being petty, of course, but, she tells herself, all the secrets he's been keeping earned a little bit of pettiness.
Next night, Elena invites Damon to go hunting with them, the most bizarre idea she's ever had, but the look on Stefan's face is totally worth it. To her surprise, Damon actually starts putting on his shoes.
"What?" he asks when he sees her shocked expression. "Maybe I decided to get myself a squirrel."
Elena ignores his remark and heads out. She doesn't even look back to see if the Salvatores are keeping up with her. By now, they're probably having a conversation she wouldn't participate in anyway, so she sees no point in sticking to them.
She wanders off quite far, not really thinking about food, but then she smells sweat and hears a ragged, tired breath. The guy is wearing ridiculously orange sweats, she registers before she runs towards him and gets a hold on his arms. Damon and Stefan are close, so very close; she can hear them yell something at her, and she knows she could stop. She should back off and silence the rush of blood in her head like she's done so many times before.
She sinks her teeth in the stranger's neck anyway.
The body falls on the ground, and Elena feels nothing, nothing at all, no fear, no joy, no guilt. For a few seconds everything is quiet, just like before. The closest you get to humanity is when you rip it apart and feed on it, Elena understands now. She wants more, needs more, reaches for more, but her hand finds Stefan's hand instead, and reality kicks in: Elena can hear drops of blood falling on the grass, and it makes her feel sick.
"Breathe," says Stefan in a soothing voice. "Elena! Elena, look at me! Breathe!"
She jumps away without thinking, her back hitting a nearby tree. She can't breathe now, there's no time for breathing, she needs to fix this, she needs to fix this now...
"Elena, grab him," commands Damon impatiently. "Another jogging idiot might show up any second now, we need to drag this one further into the forest."
Elena vaguely registers that Stefan is trying to say something, but she ignores him, grabs her victim's legs and follows Damon towards the old Lockwood property.
"There're some nice hiding places by the wolf cellar," says Damon casually, like they were discussing grocery shopping (in a sense, they are). "Careful, Elena, you don't want to dump the dead guy in a blueberry bush!"
"Come on, like anyone ever picks blueberries here."
"Knowing our luck, this year someone will."
They move the body a bit further from the cellar, but only when Damon gives her a pack of tissues to wipe the drying blood off her face does Elena realize that getting rid of one body is hardly a two men job. It would've been much easier for Damon to just take care of this on his own.
"What is this, Damon? Vampirism 101?"
"Nah. Cleaning up alone is boring."
"You would know," says Elena before she can bite her tongue. Joking around a dead body she's just buried probably makes her a terrible person, but she's already murdered this guy in cold blood, so it's not like her attitude is gonna make anything even worse.
"We'll talk when you're a century old, and washing all the windows out of pure boredom."
"Sure. Damon?"
"Yeah?"
Elena takes a deep breath. She shouldn't be saying this, she knows she shouldn't, but, damn it, she missed him, and lately it's been harder and harder to worry about "should."
"I'm not sorry I killed him," she says quietly. "And I should feel horrible about it, right? But I don't. I should..."
"You didn't know him."
"It's not that simple."
"Good enough for me."
"Pretty much anything is good enough for you."
"Well, yeah. You got me there. But I'm still right."
They stand in silence for a moment, and Elena takes her time to watch Damon closely. It's been a while since she had a chance to do it. Now that the strange distance between them is gone, Elena knows she's allowed to stare at him openly, take in his calm face and relaxed frame. Maybe this is the way to be, she thinks, no hopes and no expectations, just floating through life and taking whatever comes. It must be wonderful to just do whatever you want.
Of course, she only entertains this idea for a second.
"Damon... You won't tell anyone about what I said, will you?" she asks, coming back to reality.
"I'll tell Stefan I gave you a pep talk about the value of human life."
When they get back to the Boarding House and Damon tell Stefan exactly what he's promised, with a perfectly straight face, Elena feels a tiny bit better.
Of course she still talks to Stefan about what happened.
He gives her a few days before he asks, waits for her to digest everything and cool down a bit. Elena is really grateful for that. She looks him straight in the eye and lies loud and clear, tells him that she's sorry and she'll never kill anyone again. It's a bit uncanny, how easy it is to lie to Stefan now, but it's for the best, it really is.
The truth, Elena thinks, never really solves anything.
"I killed a guy a few nights ago," she almost tells Bonnie the next day, but she bites her tongue in time. They're working together and Elena doesn't want any distractions. It's the first time in a month she's actually being productive, and she really doesn't want to ruin it by talking.
Instead, she picks up yet another grimoire and continues looking for anything that could give Bonnie more control over her powers. The spirits are probably furious that a vampire is laying her undead hands on their precious knowledge, but they don't establish the rules here, not anymore.
Bonnie is sitting on the bed with her legs crossed. She's eating an apple and perusing one of the newer grimoires, sticking colorful post-it notes to passages that catch her attention. She looks deceptively young and schoolgirly, they both do, but Elena can almost smell power and determination from Bonnie, can feel the air vibrating around her. Bonnie looks like she knows exactly what she's doing, strong despite nosebleeds, headaches, and lack of sleep.
Elena envies her a little.
Damon can't stand to not be near Elena.
He doesn't want to see her and he knows it doesn't do anyone any good when he does, but he still can't resist. He owes her, or maybe she owes him, it's hard to tell at this point. Either way it's bad news. He wishes she'd sleep with him already, because then everything would be clear, he'd know his place and he'd know when exactly she'll leave him.
But Elena doesn't even try to touch him. Instead, she wants to talk, asks him endless questions and imagines he actually has some answers. He's the only one she can tell all about what she did, that guy killed in the woods and human blood they drink together almost every time they're alone. He really should start ignoring her again.
"I know you compelled me," she says completely out of the blue as she puts her glass back on the table.
Damon freezes, but tries to not let it show, makes an effort to breathe normally. He's still getting used to how Elena can hear everything; sometimes he hates her enhanced senses even more than she does.
"Twice," he says with a blank expression. There will be no apology and no important life lesson. Maybe if he can't make himself leave, he can at least chase Elena away.
"Why?"
He shrugs and turns his back to her to pour himself some more blood, but he can hear her ragged breath and clenching jaw. He's so ridiculously focused on her he can hear her clench her jaw. What a mess.
"You want to talk about this now?" he asks finally.
"I want to know why."
"Oh, come on. You've known this for weeks, and you're asking me now?"
Elena is in front of him in a blink. Before he can say a word, his glass flies out of his hands and crashes against the wall. Elena has a short fuse now, and she won't be ignored.
"Tell me why you compelled me," she demands, and Damon smirks.
"Because I could," he spits out exactly like she wants.
"I hate you," yells Elena, her eyes bloodshot. "You're wrong, everything about you is so wrong!"
Damon has half a mind to ask her if it's really him who she means, but she slaps him in the face so hard she breaks his jaw. This fight might've been about compulsion just a minute ago, but now it's about something else entirely. Damon looks Elena right in the eye and takes another blow. Apparently this is what they've become.
(This is what they've always been, a girl who vents by smashing things, and a guy who vents by provoking people to beat the crap out of him, what a perfect match.)
He lets her beat him bloody, head, stomach, knees, kidneys, and it hurts like fuck, but it's good. He's had it coming, he owns this, Elena's tears and screams, and her shaking fists.
She comes back after half an hour, just when he's trying to clean up the mess she's made. He's alright, really, bones mended and bruises healed, but he still doesn't protest when Elena grabs a towel, wets it and wipes the blood off his face.
"Why didn't you ever ask me for a daylight ring?"
Elena doesn't answer at first, her eyes focused solely on a candle she just lit.
"Damon and Stefan were always asking for you," pushes Bonnie. Elena clearly doesn't want to talk, but she does; there's only so long they can sit together in silence.
"I knew you wouldn't do it."
Bonnie's first instinct is to defend herself, remind Elena about Tyler, Klaus, and powers she had to regain. It takes her a moment to realize she isn't being attacked. Elena is walking around the circle of candles, lighting them one after another as if nothing happened, calm and composed, not even aware of Bonnie's anxiety.
"You didn't even know I didn't have my full powers."
"I didn't."
Bonnie isn't ready to ask why (she isn't ready to tell Elena why, not even when she already knows). She starts searching for another subject, but she can only think of things she shouldn't be talking about. "I'm just so tired," she almost says. "I have no idea what to do."
The circle is ready now. Bonnie should step inside and start channeling, another exhausting exercise to make her grow stronger, but her feet feel so heavy she can't possible move them, she can't make any more effort. She's been getting better and better at magic, but she hates that she isn't nearly in the shape she was before she helped Klaus. It's Nature's way of punishing her for breaking the rules yet again, and Bonnie needs to stop wondering if this is really a fair punishment, or she'll go crazy.
"You should ask another witch for help with Tyler," says Elena suddenly. "Is there anyone you can call?"
Bonnie remembers the masquerade ball from months ago, a smile and a wink, "Take care, coz. You'll see me again." She shakes off the memory immediately. She's alone in this and she has to remember it. No need to get her hopes up.
She wants to say "No," but before she can open her mouth, Elena gently squeezes her hand. Bonnie reacts automatically, she wraps her arms around Elena's neck and gives her a hug.
"I don't know," she manages after she lets go.
"You should try," says Elena. She looks at her as if she was trying to read Bonnie's face, just like the old Elena would. "None of us can do this alone."
Stefan suspects something.
Elena knows he does, she can read it in his eyes, his voice and his steps. She has no idea which of her sins he's about to discover, and it makes her want to confess everything. She imagines how she'd sit with him by the fireplace and look straight at him. "I want to kill someone," she'd say, for starts. "I want to catch someone and drain him dry."
She'll never tell him, and she'll never actually kill anyone again, but it's a good thing to think about. It gets her through chores and tedious hours of hunting. She imagines Stefan's shocked expression and his concerned voice. "I've been drinking human blood," she'd tell him.
It's not fair, of course. Ever since she turned, Stefan's been nothing but good to her, and she's really grateful for his help. He isn't ready to come back to her, and maybe he's right when he says she isn't ready either. Elena doesn't mind when he pushes her away, sex really wouldn't do them any good now, but she can't help having those thoughts. "I'm friends with Damon again," she'd tell him. "He'll never leave me, you know?"
Maybe she should try to control herself better, but they're just thoughts. It's not like they hurt anyone.
She won't actually do any of this stuff.
It happens in no time: Elena looks around, and when she's sure they're alone, she starts crying quietly. No one but Damon is allowed to see her cry these days; tears may lead to anger, to vulnerability or guilt.
"I'm a terrible person, you know? I have... how can you even look at me?"
"Well, it would be a bit ironic if I judged you," says Damon off-handedly, he needs to be casual about this, or he'll go crazy. He doesn't even ask what set her off, it's better that she assumes he knows what she's talking about. Knowing wouldn't do him any good.
"I can't be like that, Damon."
"Sure you can. You already are."
She is about to tell him more, to put her entire pain on him, and suddenly Damon can't take it anymore. It's ridiculous to think that he could take care of anyone, let alone vampire Elena Gilbert. He does the first stupid thing that comes to his mind, invades her personal space and kisses her, hoping that she would do the job for him, push him away herself and be done with it, maybe even slap him for being a dick. He can take another beating from her, no problem, but he can't handle Elena looking at him like he knows how to deal with her fear and her loss.
To his surprise she kisses him back immediately, claws his shirt and bites his lip, breaks the skin. Her fangs are out now, and Damon acts on instinct (he really should reconsider his instincts), bares his neck and lets her bite. She's still fumbling with his belt as she's drinking, and he can't even be bothered to help her, he just focuses on the sensation. In no time he is on the floor half-naked and she guides him into her, never letting go of his neck. She's straddling him and drinking from him, and when she's done, she just stays there, buries her face in the crook of his neck.
Damon rolls them over and starts kissing his way down her body, because going down on her seems like the easiest way to avoid holding her.
Damon is quiet tonight, all brief questions and curt nods, nothing of his usual showing off. Bonnie is sure something happened, and she's about to ask, but then she remembers that Damon is none of her concern, so she just sits next to him on the porch and focuses on drinking coffee.
"I'm taking Elena on a trip after sunset," he says finally. "We might not be back for a couple of days. Katherine tipped me off that Klaus was seen somewhere around D.C., we want to check it out. Keep track."
"What does Stefan say about it?" asks Bonnie automatically, but Damon laughs, of course he laughs. They're all worried about what Stefan thinks, but no one really pays attention to what he says, because he always says exactly what he should.
"He asked me to reconsider," says Damon, and it's Bonnie's turn to laugh, because it's so obvious that it's been Elena's idea this time. Maybe most of the things the two of them do are Elena's ideas, she thinks as she looks at Damon. It would actually explain a lot.
There are many questions Bonnie could ask, and she's pretty sure Damon would answer, tell her why they're really going and what they plan to do, but the truth is she doesn't want to know. Damon is going to remind her about a daylight ring any second now, and it will be easier if she doesn't know. She hasn't made up her mind yet, even though she's out of excuses. They all know that now she's strong enough to make a ring for Elena, but no one except Elena seems to understand why she hasn't done it yet.
"Is she going to be okay?" she asks warily before Damon leaves. He shrugs.
"She'll live," he says, and that's all Bonnie needs for now.
Funny how, a lifetime ago, she actually wanted to know if Caroline killed people.
They leave right after dark, the trunk of the car full of weapons they inherited from Alaric. They promise to keep Stefan posted. Elena even gives him a hug right before they go, very sweet and appropriate. Damon is sure they'll be back together in no time.
Elena is restless in the car, keeps looking around or fiddling with a map, anything to avoid being idle. She's been cooped up for the whole day, so Damon doesn't really protest that much when she kicks him out of the driver's seat before they even reach Charlottesville. As soon as she gets a hold on the wheel, she stubbornly turns right instead of left, goes for Fredericksburg instead of Ruckersville. Damon rolls his eyes.
"Last time I was near Fredericksburg, I was twenty years old and on foot. We're so going to get lost there."
"We're not going to get lost."
Of course, they do get lost.
"How do I not kill people? When I feed, I mean. How do I not kill them?" asks Elena after a few miles of going in circles. Damon shrugs, by now used to her random statements and questions. He's pretty sure she's not asking just in case.
"You figure it out as you go. I just let them go when they start having trouble standing."
"I thought it would be more complicated."
"I don't like to make my life complicated. You might want to turn right here."
"Thank you," she says after a minute of awkward silence, and Damon has a feeling that she doesn't mean either his precious lifestyle advice or incredible geographical insight, but it's cool, he can always pretend she does.
"Any time."
"No, not for the hint. Thanks that you didn't want to talk about what happened."
"Well, you can always count on me to avoid important conversations. Why bring it up now?"
"I don't know. Elephant in the room?"
Damon laughs, and, to his relief, Elena follows. This is who they are, she drank his blood and fucked him senseless on his own library floor, but it's not a big deal, and it'll never be.
"You know, I was impressed. I always thought you'd be more of a missionary kind of girl."
"No, Damon. It's you who's a missionary kind of girl."
Elena pulls over without warning, and at first Damon has an absurd thought that she must've seen Klaus behind a tree, but then he smells a characteristic mixture of fire, plastic, leather and sausages. It's really hard to mistake campers for anything else.
There are bloodbags in the trunk, but that's not why Elena stopped, so Damon doesn't ask stupid questions when she kills the engine. He follows her into the woods, plain and simple. It's not like he'd say no to some fresh blood himself. They're far enough from home, so this should be safe even if they kill someone. They don't have to be very careful.
Elena walks alone right into the campsite, completely not how he'd do it, but then she's a cute teenage girl, not a mysterious dude who looks like he's up to no good, different world and different rules. It's amazing how she knows exactly what she's doing, almost as if she's planned this before (in a way, she probably has). There's only one tent, three guys in their twenties. They tell her all about their epic hike before she compels them to be still and quiet; apparently, Elena likes to play with food.
One body is already on the ground when Damon decides to join the party. He's more curious than hungry, and when he steps from behind the trees, he forgets about food entirely. All he can do is stare, because Elena Gilbert is looking right at him, her mouth covered with blood, blood on her hands, her neck, her clothes.
"I can't believe you let yourself drown," says Damon before he can bite his tongue. Elena shakes her head.
"It wasn't about you," she tells him simply.
Of course, they never find Klaus, even though they wander around DC for a few nights. Elena suspects that Katherine's tip was just a hoax, first of the many they'll have to follow before they find the right track. She should talk to Bonnie as soon as possible. She's tired, tired of idleness and helplessness, they should take matters into their own hands, hunt Klaus down before he hunts them down. Yes, she definitely should talk to Bonnie first thing in the morning.
But it's not morning yet.
Right now, Damon is standing in the middle of her living room, her suitcase still at his feet, and he's kissing her hungrily, not even bothering to check if Jeremy is home. His hands are on her hips, fingers digging into her flesh so hard her bones are almost cracking, but he doesn't even stop to take a breath, angry, starved and tense. He's been like that ever since they left for DC, but she doesn't mind. It's not like she doesn't give as good as she gets.
Elena has half a mind to stop him, take a break just for a few minutes and tell him about her plan, but before she can decide, Damon changes the tone of the kiss. He loosens his grip on Elena's hips and slows down, lets her kiss him down his throat. For the first time it occurs to her that he might be just as tired as she is, equally worn down by the supernatural mess around them and by the insane push-and-pull they got themselves into. He's mad at her, and probably even more mad at himself, but maybe, just maybe, she doesn't have to be on top of her game with him.
Before she can change the pace, Damon snaps out of his strange mood. As if angry that she caught him off guard, he pushes until she has her back against the wall. When he pulls at her belt erratically, Elena catches his wrist.
"Hey," she whispers. "Hey, slow down."
For a second he looks like he doesn't understand, so Elena lets go of his hand and starts unbuttoning his shirt.
"Time out," she says, touching his face briefly. "Please, let's step away from all this for five minutes."
She can practically see his muscles relax.
Hands fumbling with each other's clothes, they start walking towards the couch. It feels really, really awkward, all slowness and deep breaths. She's not even sure how long it's going to last, how long before either of them lashes out again. They've never done it like this, never managed to let go of fear and anger, but today is different. Today, Elena needs her friend.
When they reach the couch, Damon's shirt is nowhere to be seen. Elena swiftly gets rid of her shoes, but when she looks up again, she can't suppress laughter, because Damon is busy taking off his socks. Funny how she never noticed him do anything so absurdly normal, shave or take off his socks. Damon is blood in her mouth and trembling legs, not bed head or morning coffee.
"What is it?" he asks, a sock still in his hand.
Elena can't think of a remotely sensible thing to say, so she straddles Damon's legs instead. He buries his face in her breasts and she lets him. Together they pull off her shirt and bra. She has a moment of self-consciousness when Damon's arms wrap around her loosely and with no urgency, because suddenly everything feels too comfortable. He's not supposed to be kissing her like that, taking his time to circle her nipples with his tongue and press his lips against her breastbone. She's not allowed to enjoy him like this, without anger and bloodlust to hide behind. Elena remembers all that when she leans over Damon's head to kiss his shoulder.
She's done with "supposed to" and "allowed to."
"Bite down," she says, and he does before she has time to be embarrassed about her request. Blunt, human teeth slide down her nipple right to the tip, slightly scratching her skin.
"Again," she demands, grabs his hair to keep his head in place, not letting him move to her other breast. He obliges and she moans loudly, because suddenly it's important to not be quiet, important that Damon's breath catches in his throat, important that Elena can ask him for whatever the hell she wants.
She's on her back in a blink, pushing his head between her legs. There are no more lines to cross, no more ways for her to betray the old Elena Gilbert. Damon Salvatore places a cushion under her ass, and she stretches comfortably on the couch, puts her leg on his shoulder to give him better access. She doesn't normally ask him to give her head, not explicitly at least, but if she's to break her last rule and allow herself want him, she might as well do it with a bang.
Damon starts off quickly, his tongue pressing against her flesh a bit too hard, the way he always does. She can't take it, not yet, so she moves her hips to accommodate, but Damon doesn't slow down. Instead, he pulls away completely and gives her a pensive look.
"Show me how you like it," he says.
He kneels up between her legs, his hand resting leisurely on her knee. For a second Elena isn't sure what he's talking about.
"Excuse me?" she asks. Damon lets out a laugh.
"Show me how you like it," he repeats.
She feels strange when she puts her hand between her legs; not because Damon's eyes are fixed on her fingers, but because she hasn't done this for ages, not since she became a vampire. It just didn't seem right to relieve the pressure, to make herself feel even more than she was already feeling. There was a difference between getting herself off and having sex with Damon, because sex with Damon never was about pleasure.
Up until now.
She's more sensitive and less sensitive at the same time. She can feel even the slightest change of angle, but she needs more stimulation to actually get anywhere. Her leg still rests against Damon's shoulder, giving him a perfect view, but he moved his hand from her knee and now he's absently stroking her ankle.
"It's different from before," she says, not bothering to censor herself any more. Damon nods.
"It wasn't for me," he offers.
He slides his fingers next to hers and tries to repeat one of her movements. He's a bit too much to the right, but the second time he gets it just right, and Elena gives him a smile between gasps.
"Inside," she says, and Damon immediately pushes two fingers into her.
"You like it when I do what you say," he teases.
"You like it when I tell you what to do."
He doesn't reply, just curls his fingers inside her, then again and again, matching the rhythm of her hips. For a second Elena wants to stop, put her hand on his head and have him finish the job, but she doesn't. Somehow it's important that he stays right where he is, his eyes fixed on her. It's important that she does this on her own.
She starts moving her fingers in circles, for the first time in her life not imagining that they belong to someone else. Her eyes are closed, but she can hear Damon whisper something in awe. He lets go of her ankle, so Elena reaches with her free hand and grasps his hand to have something to hold on to. She's close, very, very close, but she drags it out a bit. She doesn't want to finish just yet, not when she can ride Damon's hand and feel his stare on her skin, not when what she wants is suddenly so important.
Damon holds her hand when she comes.
Bonnie visits Elena first thing in the morning.
She probably should've waited till after school, because it turns out she pulls Elena out of bed, yawning and messy, but there is no way she could've waited, not after the dreams she's been having those few nights when Elena was away.
"I was about to call you as soon as I woke up," says Elena as she opens the door. "There's something I need to tell..."
"Esther wants me to kill Klaus," interrupts Bonnie. "But I'm not going to do it."
She can see Elena's surprised expression. Neither of them has been so blunt in ages, but Bonnie is tired of beating about the bush. She is still shaking a bit after last night's dream, and she needs her friend, secrets be damned.
"The spirits are giving me a chance. We still have Alaric's stake, and I could kill the Originals one by one, Esther is willing to help from the other side. But I don't want to."
Elena nods slowly, as if not sure of the right thing to say.
"You can't just leave them be," she tries carefully. "That's exactly what I wanted to talk about."
Bonnie takes a deep breath and pulls a blue ring out of her pocket. Elena follows her into the kitchen, stunned, and Bonnie bravely puts the ring on the table between them.
"We're not going to leave them be," she says, trying to sound calm. This is what she wants to do, she reminds herself, she made her choice. She will find a different way to take down Klaus and she'll do it with Elena. This is what she wants.
(This is what it always comes down to. Vampires and witches, abomination and nature, chaos and balance.)
"I'm not sure what to do," she admits quietly, so not ready to fight another fight.
To her surprise, Elena doesn't say a word, she just holds her gaze and nods.
Vampires and witches. Witches and vampires.
Witches always protect their own.
When Bonnie takes Elena's hand, she doesn't remember Esther's threats, Stefan's calm voice or Damon's demands. She feels powerful, as powerful as she felt when she was pushing Klaus' essence into Tyler's body. Her mind is clearer than it's been for days, and Bonnie takes a deep breath. It's so wonderful to be making choices.
"You don't have to do this," says Elena, her eyes focused on the ring they're about to spell.
Bonnie gives her a bright smile.
"I know I don't."