Goodday to all o' ye. I'm a total neophyte to this notorious site known as , though I am no stranger to the subject of fan fiction itself. It is here where I will be lampooning one of the most cherished games of my childhood, made recently popularized and memorable by fads and memes on internet image and message boards that are accustomed to forging the most vile shit on the internet. Yes, it is Star Fox 64, or Lylat Wars to you British chaps. Possibly because SF64 is a piece of cake to make fun of. The title itself is dedicated to an writer, Chris Buchanan, known for writing the well known Mass Effect 1 parody, Mock Effect.
So, I present to you in all its fluffy, fuzzy glory; Mock Fox 64's prologue chapters. Yes it needed three prologue segments. Got a complaint, take a number you sissies. The prologue as well as much other parts of the story, will be narrated by an old rustic feller you movie goers and Coen Brothers fans might recognize.
Prologue - The Stranger from Earth
Corneria, a relatively quiet place after the raging war. It was roughly twenty minutes before closing time inside the intergalactic diner in the factory district of Corneria City. Barely a few Lylat system folks stayed to eat the resturaunts horrible chili, but the majority of the less than sprawling activity was focused on the milk shake bar.
If a camera happened to be nearby, it would most certainly be panning across a blue jay dressed in greaser clothes, a bear smoking a cigarello, some random meer cat with a rainbow colored afro wig. Most noticably there was an organism, a human to be exact who was completely out of place in a System full of animals. He wore late 19th century cattle driver clothing, complete with a Stetson hat, a vest, and a pair of Remington revolvers tucked at his of his hips. He also had a mustache that would make Theodore Roosevelt envious, and the posture of the Angel of Death. He looked at the theoretical camera and smiled.
"Glad to have you all with us." The human said a voice that sounded like his throat was filled with wet sand and a cheese grater windpipe. He was taking another sip of his Pabst Blue Ribbon flavored milkshake and crushing up the wrapper of a strip of beef jerky before tossing it in the trash. He then looked back at the camera. "You're probably wondering who I am, and just what the hell I'm doing in place and a planet like this, away from Wyoming."
His mouth contorted from a smile into a more stern lookup.
"I'm Sam God Daymn Elliot, that's who. And I always play Goddamn cowboys. Look at me, I could play a Goddamn cowboy in my sleep." He took another drag off his shake, the iced beer floating down his gullet and into a stomach that was accustomed to Baked Beans and raw Elk meat. "But I digress. This ain't my story at all. Naw, I'm a far too modest man to boast about what I've done. It's chump work compared to what a feller named Fox McCloud did a couple o' weeks ago."
Another human entered the diner, wearing a simple grey trenchcoat. "Excuse me, my name is Rick May, I'm a voice actor, I'm supposed to be the narrator for this ga-"
Sam Elliot looked back at Rick, his head tilted like the face of an angered God. "I was here first." He smirked, his mustache bending like a finger that seemed to point in the direction of the exit. Rick merely shrugged and walked off.
Sam turned his body around and took another sip, being sure to delay pure soberness as much as possible, but he didn't want to be stone drunk. "Now, I suppose it's time I shed some light on the situation.
"Corneria. Fourth planet of the Lylat System. A misguided monkey man going by the name of Andross began abusing his Ph.D in genetics or biology a little too much and decided to nearly burn the hell out of this place with his own handiwork, making it look like planets like Zoness were shat out of a large omnipresent being's keister. I don't know how he got around to doing that, but I guess a summer program and a membership in monkeyskull and bones society will get you pretty far, but don't take my word for it.
"So we introduce the benevolent yet facist dictator of Corneria, General Pepper. Where I come from, if a man with that name enlisted in the cavalry, he'd never make it to sergeant. Doesn't matter. Anyway, he decided Doctor Monkey Brains didn't do things so well so he kicked his ass starside where he eventually on a festering hellhole of a ball that somehow managed to be dubbed a planet, known as Venom.
"So here's where it gets interested. A trio of hired guns, the leader vulpine named James McCloud, another a wise old rabbit named Peppy Hare, and last and quite least a piggly wiggly named Pigma Dengar all got the cue to head over to Venom to investigate some strange activity, including an increase in Google traffic as well as a number of Meat Loaf albums being ordered and shipped there by private freighting services.
"After they got there, the plan went to such hell that even the entirety of Doom 64 felt like it was a walk in the flowers with an 80's pop soundtrack instead of a ambient musical score that was composed by Bezelbub himself."
The man stopped, and scratched his chin. "Well, it'd be criminal just to tell you. You might be interested in seeing it, though." He smirked. "Though I warn you, it's so incredibly traumatic, that you may have to pop a valium just to get through it. You've been warned."