Hey, Johnnycake. I don't know if you keep much track of the time up there, but it's been a year now since you left me. That's a whole three hundred and sixty five days since I've gotten to see you. I know I haven't been around either, and I'm sorry. I just couldn't come here, Johnny. Not till now, anyway. Today just felt right.
I ditched out on school today. I think Darry and Soda know, but they didn't say anything. Don't think I could have sat there without embarrassing myself by bawling. It'd either be that or I might totally lose it and start flipping desks and busting windows. I don't guess we'll ever know since I didn't even try to go.
Talkin' about school, you'll never guess who's on my tail. Angela Shepard. Yep, that Angela Shepard. What other kind is there? Now don't worry, I'm not touching that mess. I've been a wreck this year, but I still have some sense of self-preservation. She ain't makin' it easy though. When those Shepards want something, they're pretty hard to put off. Now I'm walkin' a damn tightrope trying to keep her at arms length without pissing off Tim and Curly by insulting their baby sister. I like my ass and face well enough where they are, thank you very much. You know what? I betcha you'd have yourself a girl by now. The chicks dig the dark, silent type. Those damn puppy dog eyes of yours would have hooked you one by now for sure. It's a shame it's getting colder again. Won't see many more miniskirts until Spring.
I don't like it when it gets cold anymore. It always makes me think of those nights up in Windrixville. We just about froze our asses off, didn't we? Once you got past the cold, dirt, bologna, and fear, it was kinda fun just kickin' around up there. Makes me wonder what it woulda been like if we'd grown up and gotten our own apartment in a few years. Remember when we talked about that? It was just after Ma and Pop, and you and I were spending the night in the lot. We just about had the whole thing planned out if I'm remembering right. Our own T.V. set, pictures of Marilyn and Elizabeth plastered up everywhere for our viewing delight... And Sophia, of course. She was always a favorite of yours. I hear she's got a bunch of new movies coming out next year. I'll go see one for you. We sure came up with a lot of fool ideas in that lot, but they were good.
The lot, Johnny. I don't want to tell you this, but the lot's gone. Some sonofabitch bought it up and fenced it in. Ain't doing anything with it, just letting it sit for now. They've been buying up all sorts of empty and run down places on the east side. They eventually want to build some upscale apartments or something. They've been sending Darry all sorts of offers for our place even. Saw him read the first one. He just sat there for a minute, then he got this slow grin on his face and reached over and grabbed Soda's lighter off the table. Then he just sat there still grinning as he lit it on fire and watched the damn thing burn. I asked him what that was all about, and he shrugged his shoulders at me and said, "At least one of us is gonna die in this house, Ponyboy. It ain't going anywhere till the three of us are gone. They can offer me double what it's worth, and I'm still gonna burn every single offer." I pointed out what the three of us could do with that amount of cash, but he just said, "Some things are worth more than money." I didn't argue.
It's strange walking through the neighborhood and seeing that fence around the lot. They put it up about a month ago. Now I can't get in without trespassing. I've still done it once or twice, but I guess I can't hold onto it forever. I've still got that book and your letter though. I'm sorry I couldn't do what you asked. I couldn't tell Dally, but then I guess you probably know that since he's with you now. Don't think he'd have listened anyway. By that time, he was so far gone and angry with the world that even the most beautiful sunset in history would have been gray to him. But now I get what you meant when you called him gallant. Well, at least partially. Dal could be gallant, but it was a twisted sort of gallantry. Fake. You always looked at him through rose colored glasses. Everything Dally did was out of fear or anger. Saving us from that fire may have looked noble and gallant, but really he did it out of fear. He was afraid he would lose you. He was afraid of my brothers. His last stand was the same too. At first I didn't think so; at first I thought it was a heroic last stand. But over the past year I've done some thinking, and I was wrong. He was afraid of how much he hurt. He let you hurt him, and that made him angry because he wasn't supposed to let anyone get that close, Johnny. You hurt him cause you made him care. His last stand might have looked like Custer's, but he was scared, angry, and hopeless. About the only thing truly gallant Dallas ever did was the night you and I ran. He didn't have to help us. He only did because we needed it, and that was gallant. I know that ain't what you want to hear, Johnny, but it's the truth. You and I never lied to each other, not about anything important anyway, and I'm not gonna start now. Tell him "Hi" for me though. Dally had his issues, sure, but I still miss him too. I owe him my life.
This place ain't right for you, Johnny. I've been standing here as I've been talking to you looking all around. It's calm and peaceful and pretty enough, but cemeteries are places to come rest when you're done with life. You weren't done. Still aren't as far as I'm concerned. That's one of the reasons I haven't come here even though it's been a year. You still ain't left me yet, so how can you be resting here? I'm not sure I can bear it to come back. I don't regret coming here today, but I don't think I'll be back. You understand though, right? The signature on your letter means a lot more than your name etched in that hunk of rock anyway.