A/N: This is a parody that has been in my mind for close to a year. I'm still a little rusty when it comes to cracky humor, but I hope you all enjoy this fairytale (which, if you've read the original fairytale, is already pretty funny on it's own).
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The Seeker Without Servos
Once upon a time, there was a miller named Astrotrain who was very fortunate and had gained great wealth for himself and his family. But alas, all that faded away over time - that happens when you often gamble against Smokescreen - until he and his family had only their mill and the apple tree behind it (The poor miller slept outside for a week when his beloved wife Starscream found out about the gambling debts!).
Then one day in the summer Astrotrain headed out into the woods near his home to chop some firewood for the hearth, as he ususally did, when there before him stood a tall old mech covered in black armor, with metallic whiskers on his face and a strong cane in his grasp. Astrotrain had never seen this mech before, so he certainly wasn't from the nearby village as the gray and purple mech knew everyone in the village, even Crazy Blitzwing, the temperamental village sideshow freak.
"What are you doing here, all alone in these here woods?" the mysterious old mech asked.
"Just gathering some wood for the family," grunted Astrotrain, who was in no mood to speak with a stranger.
"So much hard work just to support your family," the old mech murmured. "Such a waste of energy..." He tapped his cane as he contemplated this little scrap of information. "What if I were to offer you all the riches you could ever want?"
"What are you babbling on about, old fool?" the growing impatient miller asked.
The old mech then smacked Astrotrain's helm with his cane. "Show your elders some respect!"
Astrotrain rubbed his dented helm and glared at the old mech. He then demanded, "Just tell me what on Cybertron you are talking about!"
"Young mechs today, so disrespectful and impatient," the old mech huffed. "Shouldn't even bother giving you enough wealth to pay off your gambling debts to Smokescreen."
"Wait, wait, wait. You saying that you're willing to pay off my debts?" Astrotrain asked.
"That's what I've been telling you!" The old mech groused, before adding under his breath, "And they sayI'm hard of hearing..."
The miller ignored that last statement and pondered over the offer. The money the old mech was willing to give him would get him and his family out of debt, and maybe, just maybe there might be enough left over to improve their lives a bit more, but...
"What the catch?" Astrotrain demanded.
The old mech smirked. So the miller wasn't as dumb-witted as his looks and debts implied. "I want whatever that stands behind your mill at this moment and you must give it to me after three years."
It was now Astrotrain's turn to smirk; there was only the apple tree behind the mill. "Deal."
"It is done," the old mech said after half-heartily waving his arms for a few seconds.
Astrotrain's optic ridge rose. "That it? Nothing happened! Where are my riches?"
"Go home and see for yourself!" The old mech replied irritably. "You have nothing to lose if I'm lying!" With that, he wandered off to where ever his -presumably- senile mind would lead him.
Astrotrain glared after the old mech until the trees hid him from view before heading back home with the firewood. "Stupid old mech," he grumbled. "Trying to con me."
"Astrotrain! Astrotrain!" Came the shrill voice of the miller's beloved.
The miller sighed wearily as he approached his home. "What are you screeching aboutthis time, Starscream?" Knowing his wife, the Seeker was probably out of thread and wanted him to get some more from the village market.
Impatient to tell Astrotrain the news, Starscream ran to his husband and tackled him onto the ground. "It's a miracle of Primus, I tell you!" Starscream cried out happily, ignoring his husband's groan of pain.
"Starscream, what the frag are you talking about? What miracle happened?" Astrotrain asked once the pain subsided. "Did Skywarp finally learn to read?" He asked hopefully.
Starscream snorted. "I wish. I doubt even Primus Himself could teach our youngling how to read."
"Slag it. Well, what is it then?"
"We're rich!" Starscream squealed. "There are jewelry and gold coins everywhere! In the drawers, in the closet, under the berths! Everywhere!"
Astrotrain gaped at his wife's words.So the old mech did keep his promise...
"By Primus I think there's enough to pay off your debts and for us to live well for the rest of our lives!" Starscream continued. "Not to mention I can rub it Slipstream's face that I didn't marry a loser!"
The miller frowned at the mention of his sister-in-law. When Astrotrain had fallen into debt, she had come by their home every day for an entire year trying to convince Starscream to take Skywarp and leave his sorry aft. Primus, he hated that femme.
"We can build a new house, we can bribe someone to marry Skywarp when he's older, and-" Starscream paused, rational thought had finally caught up with him. He narrowed his optics at Astrotrain and asked suspiciously, "Dear husband, where did all this wealth come from?"
Astrotrain chuckled nervously and said, "An old mech in the woods told me he'll make us rich if I gave him something."
Starscream's optics widened and he hissed angrily, "That was no ordinary mech, you FOOL! That was Jetfire, the evil wizard of the forest!"
"What makes you so sure that it was Jetfire and not some nice, cranky wizard of the forest," Astrotrain pointed out.
Starscream face palmed and explained slowly, "Because. Our forest. Only has. ONE SLAGGING WIZARD!" The miller's wife took in an air intake to calm himself down before asking, "What did he want in exchange for the wealth?"
"Not much," Astrotrain began. "Just whatever stood behind the mill, so I assumed he wanted our apple tree. Said he would come for it in three years."
The Seeker hummed in thought. He was sure Jetfire didn't really want their apple tree. After all, what use was a tree to an evil wizard? Then it hit him; Starscream knew what Jetfire was after. "He wants Skywarp!"
"Are you serious?"
Starscream nodded. "Skywarp was behind the mill, throwing rocks at squirrels for last hour!"
Astrotrain's jaw dropped when the horrible epiphany began to sink in.
"You just sold our youngling to an old evil wizard, you slagger!" With that, Starscream began to strangle his foolish husband.
Luckily for Astrotrain, Starscream didn't feel like burying a corpse in the woods and telling family and neighbors some bullslag excuse about his husband dying from a spark attack, so he was allowed to live.
The next three years were odd to young Skywarp as he noticed the change in the family dynamic. There was now tension between his creators whenever they were in the same room together; his sire even recharged outside for six months to escape his carrier's rage, and at random times his carrier would randomly start strangling his sire while screeching, "YOU SLAGGER!" Usually this happened during supper time. He didn't understood why the love between his creators shriveled up and died, but he suspected that it had something to do with the inheritance his sire obtained a few years back.
Starscream was strangling Astrotrain once again, when there was a knock on the door. The bickering couple froze and slowly, Starscream freed his husband so that he may be able to answer the door. When Astrotrain opened the door, there stood a mech that Skywarp had never met before; an old Seeker covered with rusty black armor and a metallic beard upon his faceplates, with a long cane in his servo.
Astrotrain looked terrified of the old mech, as did Starscream, but Skywarp couldn't understand why. The Seeker didn't look threatening and looked too weak to appear threatening to a sparkling much less to his very large sire and very scary carrier. "Skywarp, go to your room," Starscream urged quietly to his only youngling.
Skywarp did as he was told and ran upstairs to his room while his creators spoke with the stranger at the door. When he entered his room, the young Seeker was surprised to a beautiful gold Seeker with soft light radiating from his armor sitting on his berth. "Who the frag are you?" Skywarp asked, his optics sweeping around the room for some sort of weapon he could use against the possibly radioactive mech.
"There is no need to be afraid, little one," the glowing Seeker said soothingly.
"Who are you? Why are you glowing?" Skywarp asked frantically.
The glowing Seeker smiled kindly at the flustered young mech and replied, "I am a messenger of Primus. He has sent me to your mortal realm to offer you help for your plight."
"Plight? What plight?" Skywarp was getting even more confused with every word this supposed messenger said.
The older Seeker's optics widened with surprise and then were filled with sympathy. "You really don't know why Jetfire is here? Youngling, that mech is here to force you to be his bride."
"WHAT?" Skywarp cried out in horror. "But he's so old! He uses a fraggin' cane to get around!"
"Um, little one, I think the fact that he is an evil wizard that serves Unicron is a bigger issue than his age," Primus's messenger said.
"For you maybe, but you're not the one who the slagger is going to try to interface with!" Skywarp shrieked, arms flailing about.
The messenger sighed with exasperation. "Calm down! No one is going to try to interface with anyone!"
Skywarp stopped and hesitantly asked the messenger, "What makes you so sure?"
"Because, I'm going to tell you how you stop Jetfire from claiming you," Primus's messenger said with a smirk.
Ten minutes later, Jetfire was storming up the stairs, ignoring Astrotrain and Starscream's pleas to spare their youngling. They had taken up enough of his precious time with tales of why Skywarp wouldn't be a suitable wife; Jetfire didn't care Skywarp was a mischievous idiot, the young Seeker was very attractive and that was good enough for him!
"I hope you're packing your things in there!" Jetfire stated, banging on Skywarp's door with his cane/staff; the door swung open from the force of his hits. The wizard then stepped into the room to find Skywarp, armor shining and spotless, sitting within a chalk circle drawn upon the floor. At the sight of the circle, Jetfire hissed and quickly backed out of the room. He turned and glared at Astrotrain and Starscream. "You planned this, didn't you?" Jetfire snarled. "You had your youngling purify himself so I couldn't touch him!"
"W-what are you talking about?" Astrotrain asked, as he and his wife trembled in fear of the wizard's wrath.
"Nevermind!" Jetfire snapped irritably. I will come back for Skywarp tomorrow morn, but keep him away from all water and cleansers, or else." All that said and done, Jetfire took his leave.
After Jetfire left, Astrotrain locked Skywarp in his room –despite Starscream's protests – closing him off from any way of purifying himself. The young Seeker was lying on his bed, his face hidden in his pillows, when Primus's messenger appeared again.
"Rise, little one, all is not yet lost," the messenger cooed.
"Yes it is!" Skywarp bemoaned. "I'm stuck in this room without any cleanser, Jetfire's going to take me away tomorrow, and I'll be stuck as his berthwarmer for the rest of my life!" The Seeker grimaced at the mental image his mind conjured up.
"That will not happen," the messenger insisted. "I have another plan."
Skywarp lifted his face from his pillows. Curious, and a bit hopeful, he asked, "What is it?"
The messenger smiled. "You'll know in good time. But first let me calm you with a story, it is a tale called Old Yeller…"
When morning came Astrotrain fetched his only creation, and took him to the yard where Jetfire stood, waiting.
"Where's Carrier?" Skywarp whimpered, wiping away the last of the tears he'd shed during the night.
"He's busy milking the cow," Astrotrain replied, not looking at his creation. Even as he spoke, Starscream was cursing him and all his ancestors for tipping over the large cow on top of him. In the back of his processor Astrotrain knew that his beloved wife will most likely kill him for his cruel trick.
Skywarp sighed. He couldn't believe his carrier would rather do chores than wish his youngling farewell. Not only that, but that blasted holy messenger never told Skywarp his plan. Instead, the fragger seemed to take joy out of telling him the most upsetting stories all night long. He was pulled out of his thoughts when his sire nudged Skywarp closer to the evil wizard.
Jetfire smirked as he watched his future bride approach him. He then reached out to touch Skywarp, but was burned for his trouble. "You were supposed to keep him away from cleanser!" Jetfire bellowed accusingly.
"And I did!" Astrotrain replied meekly.
Jetfire looked over Skywarp, from what he could tell the Seeker didn't look like he had bathed the night before. Then a shine caught his wandering gaze, and it was then Jetfire noticed Skywarp's cleansed servos before looking at the tear streaks on his face. Jetfire growled. It appeared that his fool bride discovered a new way of purifying himself. No matter. The Seeker had only made this situation harder on himself. "Cut off his servos!" Jetfire snarled.
Astrotrain gasped. "Are you mad? I can't do that to my own youngling!"
"You can and you will!" Jetfire commanded. "And if not, then I shall take you away instead!" When Astrotrain stuttered out his agreement, Jetfire turned from the pair and said, "I'll leave you to it then. I'll be back in the morning." He then vanished with a puff of smoke.
Sire and Creation stood in silence for a long time before Astrotrain choked out, "Come Skywarp. I'll… I'll make it fast."
Skywarp, realizing that his sire was going to go through with this, ran. Unfortunately, he didn't get far before Astrotrain caught the Seeker and dragged him back inside the house.
"Let me go!" Skywarp wailed. "I want Carrier! Please Sire!"
"Skywarp, I can't do that," Astrotrain said. "Didn't you hear what Jetfire said he would do to me?"
Skywarp, in tears, nodded.
"He'll torture me for the rest of my pitiful life if he takes me," Astrotrain continued. "He'll let you be for the most part. I doubt your life will be full of pain." He sighed. "Will you fight me Skywarp? Will you condemn me to torture until my last day?"
Skywarp shook his helm, and offered Astrotrain his servos.
"I'm so sorry Skywarp."
A few minutes later, from underneath the cow, Starscream heard his youngling's screams but was unable to do anything about it.
Jetfire was in a good mood when he arrived at Astrotrain's home the next morning. Surely today was the day he would take Skywarp home and make him his bride. He used his cane to bang on the front door. "Open up! I'm here for Skywarp!"
The door opened a few seconds later and there stood Astrotrain with a servo-less Skywarp by his side. Jetfire smirked at the two and tried to grab Skywarp's arm. Once again, he was burned before he could touch the Seeker. "Argh!" How is this possible? I should be able to touch him!
"I cried again last night," came a soft reply.
Jetfire looked at Skywarp and saw the Seeker's raised nubs. They were shining and pure, after having been washed with tears. Jetfire growled. He knew Skywarp would simply keep using his tears to keep the wizard from touching him for the rest of his life. He lost his bride-to-be. "This isn't over little Seeker. I will get my revenge on you," the wizard hissed. He was engulfed by smoke and vanished.
"He's gone!" Astrotrain cried out happily as he hugged his creation. "My wonderful youngling, you did it!"
Skywarp glared at his sire. "I want to move out."
A/N: This is not the end of Skywarp's story. Sorry if towards the end things got too serious.
If you liked, then please review.