Pairing: Thor/Loki
Rating: M (for theme?)
Summary: Loki POV based off ScroobiusPip's The Magician's Assistant. Self-harm, suicidal Loki, Thor to the rescue? Incest? Wanted to try something different, so if this isn't to your liking, sorry this one isn't for you !
It's my life. It's my body. I should be able to choose what I do with it. It's nobody else's business. Who else would care anyway? My parents? Sure they tell me they love me, I believed it for many years too. But I'm not their child, they lied to me, they don't really love me. My friends? Don't you mean Thor's friends? Thor? Oh, Thor. Dear brother, yes I love you, more than a brother should. But you don't love me. I'm just your plaything, an object to cure your boredom; it's only a matter of time until I'm tossed to the trash.
Why did I choose to do –this-? I'm a master of magic. I could easily cast a spell on myself to end it quicker. Looks like I'm also a lover of pain. This seems much more satisfying. The unique pain that can only be caused this way, it's so calming for some reason. The only down-side is that I have to hide the scars. I'm sure Thor knows, sure that he's seen a few. He gives me these looks, his eyes not being able to comprehend. Poor oaf, I wonder how he'd react if I told him? Not like I ever would. This is my secret, the one that I will take with me to the grave.
That shouldn't be too far from now. The way things have been, I'm starting to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the ground… Father and Mother are disgusted with me; I only frustrate them with everything I do. I only accomplish to further annoy Thor nowadays. That hurts the most. I love him so much; it hurts to have him look at me with that anger in his eyes. Every decision I make, my silly pranks or miscast spells, they all end in disaster and more hatred towards me. I don't belong here anymore. What am I still doing here? I need to get away.
That's when I run to my safe haven. I pick up that piece of metal and do what seems so natural now. I cry. I see the red. I'm sobbing. I wonder if I have the courage to press down harder. I could end it all right here and now. I can't contain my sobs now, they're getting louder and I know someone will hear.
"Loki?" I hear Thor calling from the other side of my bedroom door. I have to make a choice. "Loki?" He's knocking now, and I cry harder. "Are you alright? Open the door!" The knocking gets more desperate, I can't stop crying, and I'm starting to press down harder. "I'm sorry!" I managed to croak that out somehow before I lose my strength and fall to the floor. I see that Thor managed to get inside. He stares for a moment, his expression is unreadable. I'm blacking out now, and he rushes over to me. I can faintly feel him grab onto me. "Loki! Wha-what, why? Someone! Help! Please!" Now he's crying. The great Thor, mighty god of thunder, was crying? For me? If I wasn't so weak I'd actually laugh. "Please be alright, brother, please..." He whispers that, or at least it seemed that way. And then everything is black. No more tears, no more red, no more Thor. There's only this vast nothingness.
The next time I open my eyes, everything is blindingly white. I try to sit up, but regret it immediately. My head spins and refuses to stop. I lie back down and look at the ceiling. Once the spinning stops, I look around a bit. White curtains, white sheets, and…Thor. Sitting next to me, asleep, and his hair disheveled. What a nice sight. What was I doing before this? Oh. That's right… I look down to see my wrist bandaged. I unwrap it and stare at the scar there. There's no more pain, the healers did what they could, but it seems that they couldn't get the scar to go away. I lightly run a finger along the red line on my skin and a chuckle escapes me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even do –that- right. Am I really that useless that I can't even take my own fucking life? I'm not chuckling anymore, now I'm crying. Sobbing is more like it. I really can't do anything right. I'm forever damned to be a failure. Unloved, unwanted, and lost for all eternity.
"Loki?" My cries must have woken him up. Hearing my name from his lips just make me cry harder. "Brother…it's alright, it will be alright." He holds me then. And I can't do much aside from using his shoulder to cry on. And…he lets me. Thor's arms tighten slightly around me, one hand caressing my hair as gently as he could. I can't help myself from drowning his shirt with my tears.
After most of my tears had fallen, and I was reduced to a hiccupping fool, he pulled back a bit. Sad, electrifyingly (?) blue eyes stared deeply into mine. I couldn't bring myself to look away.
"Brother. Everything will be alright, I will make sure of it, I swear." His voice was soft but determined; I wanted to believe it so much. Now I couldn't stand to look at him, to listen to those sweet lies he was feeding me. He cupped my face in his hands so I'm forced to face him. "Loki." My eyes snap up just in time to watch him close the distance between us. My heart started to race, and I'm sure my eyes widened at some point. "Loki…" Thor whispered as his lips lightly brushed mine.
I stayed frozen, utterly shocked and unable to respond. When Thor backed away, he found tears pooling in my eyes. I could see he was immediately sorry for what he did. "Brother, Loki, I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you more distress, I-" I really did laugh then. It came out weak and pathetic, the tears slowly streaming down my face, and the hints of a smile tugging at my lips.
"Don't be sorry Thor. I'm happy, really; there was nothing more I wanted than to kiss you. I'm…I'm just terribly confused. Rather, I'm in a sorry state of mind at the moment, if you haven't noticed." I gave him a broken smile while lifting my scarred wrist. He looked at me with such a heart-broken face. He grabbed my hand tightly and brought it to his chest. "Loki, I swear. I'll make you happy, so you never feel the need to do this to yourself ever again."
Oh, what determination. What lies. But I couldn't bring myself to mock him like that. I could just give him a smile, small and superficial, but for now it would have to do.