Making Some Profit in Hundred Acre Wood
It was a calm summer day in the Hundred Acre Wood. Winnie the Pooh was sleeping in his bed and then woke up hungry. His tummy rumbled as he mumbled, "I wonder what will be for lunch." Food was the only thing that could get the lazy bear out of bed. He walked over to his honey pot and put his hand inside. Uh oh. He could not feel any honey at all. Pooh typically ran out of the honey quickly but never was properly prepared for when it did.
With a surprising level of gumption, Pooh took his pot and ran out of the house. He knew exactly where to get honey. Pooh heard laughter. Pooh recognized that voice. It was Tigger, the lovable bouncing tiger.
Tigger called out, "Pooh, you silly old bear! Did you just wake up?"
"Why, yes I did, Tigger. Something unfortunate has happened. I have run out of honey."
"Oh, hey, why don't you join me? I'm planning to go to Rabbit's garden and see if there are some goodies there."
"I suppose but none of them are quite as sweet as honey and Rabbit would be awfully sore."
"Rabbit knows I'm just having fun."
"I don't think Rabbit cares."
"Come on, you can afford to help me. We can get more food out of it, only if Rabbit wasn't so damn greedy- keeping all of that for himself. He doesn't even eat all of it."
"Rabbit told me that he is trying to make a prof it off the carrots, whatever a prof it means."
"I don't know. Rabbit is a strange one. Bouncy bouncy bounce bounce, let's go!" Tigger grabbed Pooh by the arm and the two headed towards Rabbit's garden.
The two of them ran into Eeyore, a solemn donkey without a tail.
"Why hello, Eeyore", said Tigger with a grin, "how has your day been?"
"Shitty", mumbled Eeyore.
"I guess that means it is better than yesterday", said Pooh with concern.
"I suppose."
"Eeyore, we're gonna go get some vegetables from Rabbit's garden. Do you want to join us?"
"No. I saw that Rabbit was working on something yesterday. I think he is trying to protect his garden."
"That's not gonna stop me, tiggers are tough!"
"I wonder", said Pooh, "maybe, there are better ways to get lunch. My honey pot is empty. I think I will go for that instead."
"Aw shucks, but you're the best thief of them all. I am too loud and can't do it by myself."
"You're going through awful trouble to make sure Rabbit doesn't see you."
"It's part of the game, my friend. Actually, I know someone who is better than you. He won't join me though. He is too busy being a moping piece of crap."
"Are you talking about me?", asked Eeyore.
"No, I'm talking about the other mopey shithead in this forest."
"Do you really think that I would be good at this?"
"Yea, I think you would be the best vegetable thief of them all. You have a lot of stealth. In fact, many of us barely know that you are around."
"I think I would rather mope around."
"Ugh, c'mon Pooh, you can't bail on me."
"Tigger, there has to be someone else who would help you."
"Roo would but his mother wouldn't allow it. I am more scared of her than I am of Rabbit. Piglet is afraid of everything. I know who would help! The wisest creature of the forest! I'm gonna go talk to him now. Enjoy your honey excursion. I hope you come out fatter than you already are."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing. Enjoy the honey, asshole."
Tigger decided to head over to Owl's tree.
Tigger bounced higher and higher with enthusiasm. He could see that Owl was home.
"Hey Owl!"
"Oh, and it's Tigger, the bounciest creature in the forest."
"The same way you are the wisest creature."
"Come inside. I can make you some tea."
"Don't have time for tea. I actually could use your help for something."
"And what is that?"
"Well, I need to go to Rabbit's garden and pick out some of his food. I usually have Pooh go with me but he is awfully bad at it; so I thought, why don't I ask the smartest animal I know? He certainly would be able to help me. So, that's why I came to you."
"Ah, I see. Also, you must remember that I can fly. That will certainly help in getting food."
"Thanks a lot, buddy! Let's go!"
So Tigger bounced and Owl flew to Rabbit's garden.
Owl heard a high-pitched "Wait, stop! Don't go to Rabbit's garden."
Owl called out to Tigger, "I think someone wants us to stop."
"Who?"
"Sounds like Piglet."
"Piglet is a wuss."
Surely, it was Piglet.
Piglet said nervously, "I know what you are up to, Tigger, I don't think it is in your best interest to do so."
"And why not, Piglet?"
"Rabbit was really angry last time you took all of his carrots; I think he has found a way to stop you."
"Rabbit can certainly try but Tiggers are tough and clever. We can outsmart silly rabbits."
Piglet mumbled, "Not you."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing. I said nacho."
"What is a nacho? A food?"
"Yes, I believe so. Christopher Robin once said something about eating a nacho."
Owl said, "Oh yes, I am surprised to hear that he was eating a nacho. His skin color is awfully light to be a typical nacho-eater."
Tigger said, "You know, Owl. Sometimes, you make absolutely no sense."
"A genius is often misunderstood; so I will take that as a compliment."
"With that, we gotta go, Piglet. I appreciate the warning, buddy, but I'm not scared and I have the wisest creature in the forest by my side."
"The wisest creature in the forest can escape easier than you."
"You think too much."
"As you think too little."
"Bouncy bouncy bounce bounce! Come on, Owl!"
Tigger and Owl continued on their journey.
"Owl, this is going to turn out to be the smartest idea I ever had."
"Anything involving me is the smartest idea anyone can have."
The two of them saw Pooh eating honey under a tree.
Pooh waved and asked, "No food in your tummies yet?"
"Not yet but it will be the best food ever", said Tigger with cheer.
"I hope you do not mind that I am taking over your usual role", said Owl.
"No. I don't mind at all. I am not wise enough to help Tigger and I accept that fact."
"I hope your honey is delicious."
"As always, it is."
They finally arrived at Rabbit's garden. So many delicious kinds of vegetables: carrots, eggplants, tomatoes, corn..there was everything..more than usual.
"Looks like we're in for a feast", said Tigger with glee.
"I do not see any sign of Rabbit", I think we're good to go.
Owl flew high in the sky and began scooping up vegetables.
Tigger was glad he enlisted Owl's help. Tigger did not really think that Owl was wiser than he was but Owl could fly.
Tigger walked onto the garden and then
KABOOM! Tigger heard the loud noise and then felt himself being pulled up. For the first time today, the tiger actually felt a sense of fear. There was nothing he could do as he was pushed backwards. Tigger landed on the trunk of a tree and felt a rip.
What the hell?
Tigger heard a loud and maniacal laugh.
It was Rabbit.
"It appears that my landmines are working."
"Owww….what is a landmine?"
"Something I bought with my profit."
"What's a…owww..oh my god..the pain!"
"That's what you get for trying to steal my food, you fucking asshole. You should be lucky that landmine didn't kill you."
"Owwww…fuck you Rabbit..oh my god."
"Maybe the wisest creature of the forest knows how you can heal up; but now we aren't going to be having any more adventures in my garden, now are we?"
"Tiggers are tough and clever; I will not give up."
"The tough and clever know how to avoid foolish ends."
"So..you wouldn't hesitate to kill me?"
"I don't want to kill you but you might be too foolish to live. I thought I told others that I set traps; weren't you warned?"
"Yea, but they are not as tough and clever as me!"
"I should unstuff you right now; but it looks like you lost enough stuffing as it is for now."
Tigger saw the cotton seep out of his body.
"Ow…"
"Here, look. I have a sewing kit here. I feel sorry for you. I'll fix you up."
"Thanks..ow…I didn't know that shit existed."
"Desperate times call for desperate measures", said Rabbit while sewing Tigger back up.
"Hey, I don't feel the pain anymore. But I don't think I wanna step on one of those landmineys again."
"I wouldn't. I got a lot more."
"How do you avoid them when you get the vegetables yourself?"
"It's magic. Now get the fuck out of here."
Tigger bounced away.
Eeyore, Pooh, Piglet, and Owl entered after Tigger left.
"Hey, I would like to thank all of you for helping me out there", said Rabbit.
"It was pretty easy to predict every one of Tigger's moves", said Piglet.
"I feel bad for Tigger but you know the real reason we all decided to help you", said Pooh.
"Yea, give us the profit", said Piglet.
Rabbit sighed. He hoped that they would have forgotten. All of them had fluff for brains.
"Oh, alright." Rabbit went inside his house.
"So, wait all of this was a trick", asked Owl.
"Yea, we don't think you're the wisest creature in the forest. We needed you because you could fly", said Piglet.
"Then, who is the wisest creature in the forest", asked Owl.
"In all seriousness, probably Rabbit", said Pooh, "he thought of this entire plan to get Tigger to stop stealing his food."
"I do not know what this profit is but I will not accept it from someone you fools think is more intelligent than me!" Owl flew away.
"Heh heh, dumbass, more profit for us", said Eeyore, "I think profit makes me less of a mopey ass."
"Just an ass", chuckled Pooh.
"Hey..oh, I guess that's true."
"What's taking Rabbit so long? I've almost eaten all my honey."
Rabbit walked out empty-handed.
"Oh, I am sorry guys. I learned that I have to pay a tax on the profit I have made. I will be awfully poor if I am forced to pay this tax."
"We made a deal", said Piglet, "we're not going to take this shit from you."
"But the tax is awfully high, I need to move some of my profits to another land so I pay less of the tax. I will be back in a week."
"What is this other land", asked Pooh.
"It is an awfully warm and relaxing place called the Cayman Islands. Your bouncy friend will not have to worry anymore. I will be planting all my crops there in order to pay less of the tax; but if it wasn't for the tax, I would pay you guys as I obligated to."
"No profit. Woe is me. Time to bitch and moan. Woe is me. Life is unfair", said Eeyore.
"There still is profit; just none for you."
"I think I'm going to unstuff myself."
Pooh and Piglet gasped.
"Rabbit, did you hear that", asked Pooh.
"Yea, let him do it. In that case, Eeyore is not cut out for this world except for the cut he is going to make", Rabbit laughed at his own joke.
"Yea, I'm going to unstuff myself now. Woe is everything. Why is the world so dark and cruel? Oh I think I am going to write a song before I unstuff myself."
"I thought you were going to do it now."
"Oh I should, I know. I am pathetic, woe is me."
Rabbit looked at Eeyore with frustration. He saw Pooh and Piglet suppress chuckles.
Eeyore had no plans to unstuff himself. He was just going to be whinier than normal until he got his profit. The damn government though and its high corporate tax rates! Rabbit supposed he could give each of them a miniscule fraction of the profit; perhaps a dollar for each. No, even better..these dumbasses don't even know what money was for; they don't even know what it looks like! That's it!
"Alright, I feel for Eeyore and his pain. I will give you some of the profit."
The three of them cheered with glee.
Rabbit went back to his house.
"Do any of you know what profit actually is", asked Pooh.
"Not me", said Eeyore.
"Yea, whatever it is. It must make Rabbit awfully happy", said Piglet.
Rabbit returned with three blades of grass.
"This is your profit, enjoy", said Rabbit with a grin.
"Thank you, Rabbit", said the three of them in unison.
They left.
"Ah, Rabbit. I see that you've given them "profit"."
"Don't say it like that, Owl."
"Time to pay the tax."
"Not until I take my money to the Cayman Islands."
"Why must it wait?"
"Err..the money needs to go there before taxes can be paid. Everyone knows that."
"I am the one who told you about the tax and thus I know a lot about it. I know what you are trying to do. It will not work. Pay the tax or I swear to God, I am going to shoot you dead right now."
Rabbit saw Owl pull a gun from behind his wing.
"Oh fine. If that is how you want to play it?"
"And you also kept records of how much money you made, so I can determine you made the right amount of money?"
"Yes..sigh."
Rabbit went inside his house; Owl followed.
Rabbit showed Owl the record.
"This looks awfully low."
"I'm paying the carrot gains tax."
"What is that?"
"Involves carrots and anything I would ever grow."
"Oh, fine..that's good enough for me."
Rabbit paid the tax and still had $17 million left..certainly not enough to give to his fellow friends in Hundred Acre Wood. The tax left Rabbit poor. Help us in the fight to lower tax rates on the wealthy!