For a long moment, what Tobias was saying didn't sink into my brain. It swirled and bumped among my other thoughts, taking seconds that seemed like hours before it latched on and dug in. The memory serum. He wanted to reset me. Like I was a machine with a glitch, he wanted to wipe the slate clean and start again.
"Take it, Marcus. Please." His voice cut through the shock I'd momentarily fallen under. When was the last time he'd said please to me? The memory came faster than I could stop it, the little boy hunched up and crying with welts on his shoulders. I pushed it away before it overwhelmed me.
Johanna was saying something beside me, her words buzzing in the distance. Reset everything... almost. What would stay with me? What would go? The little vial he held in his hand seemed harmless. I blinked slowly, as though I had just woken, my head turning to look at Johanna. She was quiet, watching me as she waited for me to say something. I remembered suddenly our walk in the Amity orchard, the kiss she'd placed upon me cheek. My skin burned with the memory, a tiny act that seemed centuries ago.
I looked back towards Tobias, studying him. He looked like me, in ways I knew he hated. Along his jaw and in his eyes, I could see the reflection in the mirror I so despised. His mouth opened to say something else, but I wasn't listening. I lunged forward, the vial in my hand before Johanna's shout could fully leave her mouth. I chipped the vial on my teeth in my desperate haste, the cool liquid bitter on my tongue as I swallowed.
"Marcus? For goodness sake. It's nearly noon." I sighed as Marcus did nothing but roll over, mumbling something unintelligible. It amazed me how he was able to sleep so long. I did not like to miss the sunrise, how the night's darkness was vanquished by the warm glow of the sun. On the rare mornings Marcus joined me, I liked to tell about all the ways you could try and paint such blending of colours, but even the greatest artist could never hope to perfectly replicate them. He always listened, in his own quiet way, his lips pressed to my temple and just above my scar.
I still hesitated when I looked in the mirror in the morning, the old habit of letting a lock of my hair fall to cover it rearing its head. Whenever I did, he'd just tut and push it back out of the way, cupping my face in his hands and not allowing me to leave. He told me I was beautiful. When he looked at me, I believed him.
Throwing the curtains open and letting the beautiful autumn sun stream into the room, I smiled at his little groan. Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, I leaned to kiss his cheek and murmur.
"You may want to get up. We're leaving to see the little ones in an hour." It didn't take any more persuading. I laughed as he heaved himself up to kiss me, watching with a smile as he trudged off to the shower. It was moments like this when I watched him, hurried in his joy, I could pretend to forget. Like he had. The serum had been a success, Marcus a different man when he had recovered his wits. In most aspects. He did not remember why Tobias still regarded him warily. He remembered little save for the fact that Tobias was his son, that he wanted nothing more to do with politics, and that he loved me.
It had taken a long time for things to be fixed, if they ever could be. There were many of us who struggled to forget the slaughter of the simulations, the factionless takeover, the narrowly avoided fate of the city. Things were better, now. Marcus and I had married months after Evelyn's proposal of peace, Tobias and Beatrice shortly after. It had taken years for Tobias to allow Marcus back into his life, in some way. Marcus did not understand it, but both Beatrice and I did not intervene. Evelyn had become nothing but a stranger to Marcus, a fact that I believed relieved her.
The grandchildren had come shortly after Tobias and Beatrice's marriage. I had worried, momentarily, that Marcus would be barred from seeing the babies, something that would have devastated him. My fears were only in my imagination. Though Tobias hovered like a hawk whenever Marcus was around little Will and Natalie, it didn't seem to bother my husband. I was glad. Peace was something we had all been deprived of for far too long.
It was strange, to walk among the streets and see construction and mending going on. I had brief flashes sometimes, pictures in my mind of streets like this, grey bodies strewn about... but they disappeared as soon as they arrived. They happened so little now I tended to brush them aside as soon as they came about. Disturbing, but nothing but my mind acting against me. Johanna's hand was warm in my own as we walked, her voice cheery and melodic, as it always was. It was a comfort to me.
"Do you think they've grown any?" She asked me.
"We saw them last week, Johanna. I doubt they have, measurably." As innocent as the question was, it still pulled at a string within my heart. Part of me did not want them to grow, to remain small and curious about everything forever. There would come a time when they would grow tired of their grandfather, when Natalie was no longer thrilled to ride on my shoulders and Will no longer wanted to play with his toys with me. It was silly of me to think of it, to not enjoy the time I had now, and so I pushed the thoughts away.
Johanna's thumb smoothed over the back of my hand and provided me with the distraction I needed. It stunned me still, how well she could read me, as though she had known me much longer than she had. As I seemed to know her. But that was impossible. I could not imagine my life without her at my side.
Perhaps noticing me watching her, she turned to smile at me, the sunlight reflecting on her hair. She was beautiful, more so than she would ever realize. I did not notice her scar, merely to recognize the fact that she had weathered hard times and had turned to me. I liked to think I comforted her, as she did me. She brought me peace... something that strangely, I craved.
"You're pacing a whole in the floor, Tobias." Tris raised a brow as she watched me, her arms folded across her chest. She knew I was nervous. I was every time he visited. She shouldn't be surprised anymore.
"So sue me." I grumbled. She grinned at my discomfort and rose, elegant and so unlike the gangly teenager I had once known. A slower paced life had taken her more time than I to get used to, and I knew she was still restless sometimes. The children helped, keep her on her toes and racing. Tris needed that.
"Daddy?" An excited little voice chirped from the doorway, pulling both Tris and I's eyes towards Natalie, running in with her shirt bright pink. It was colour she insisted upon, and one I was happy to oblige. I was glad, when I saw her wearing it, that she did not have to wear the Dauntless black. My children would bear whichever colours they chose.
"Is gramma and grandpa almost here?" She asked, nearly quivering with excitement. Will toddled in after her, slightly unsteady on three-year old chubby legs, his thumb in his mouth and blue eyes wide. He looked like me. He looked like Marcus. Sometimes, it scared me. Opening my mouth to reply, the doorbell ringing cut me off and cued cheering and shrieks of excitement from both of the children. My heart leapt into my throat as I moved automatically to stand beside them, Tris answering the door.
Johanna was immediately set upon by Will, unintelligible thrilled baby babbling as she picked him up and cuddled him close. Natalie flew past her brother into the outstretched arms of Marcus, squealing in delight as she was picked up and swung around. I watched quietly, ever vigilant and unable not to be. Maybe he didn't remember anything, maybe he had changed after the serum. But I had not forgotten. He would have a second chance with his grandchildren, but whether or not he would have a second chance with me... was yet to be decided.
As if on cue, Marcus temporarily turned his attention from his granddaughter to look up at me. There was a wide smile on his face, his eyes crinkled at the sides and the deep blue shining. I saw a man that was not Marcus look at me, no trace of violence or malice in his face.
Forgiveness takes time. But time; I had in abundance.