Part Two
It was almost three-thirty in the morning by the time Tim dropped Abby and me off at my place. We were all tired, ready for the weekend and glad Saturday was finally here. All I wanted to do was sleep. And bath again.
After the rape, - I'd come to use the word sparingly – I took many baths and showers. Somehow, Chris's hands felt like they were imprinted on my skin for ever more, like they were tattoos. After that first shower I wanted never to feel dirty again.
That night was a Friday too. I remembered that after Chris finally left me alone, I remained on the bed for some time. I folded my body up like I was a tiny ball. It wasn't until the sun began to rise that the immediate shock started to leave me and I showered. After, I washed the bed linen, the glasses we'd drunk from and the plates I'd served dinner upon. Everything Chris touched, I wanted erased. The only thing I couldn't erase was my memory of the act itself. It stayed with me, my brain re-living the whole horrible ordeal over and over again. I didn't know why I couldn't stop thinking of it. I just wanted to forget it ever happened. After I cleaned the apartment and everything he touched, I re made the bed and lie down.
I recall afterwards waking up sometime Saturday afternoon and then suddenly it was evening and before I realised it was Sunday. I hadn't eaten and it was almost time to think about work again Monday morning.
That Monday morning after it happened, I walked into the office and the first person I saw was Tim McGee. He smiled at me from his desk like everything was alright. I suppose in his world it was. He wished me a good morning and asked how my weekend had been. I'd somehow blocked it from my mind and smiled back that it had been great. I don't know how I managed to lie so well. Tim believed me and went back to his work. I continued to my desk, switched on my computer and carried on with my workload as if the whole world was exactly as it had been Friday when I left.
Denial was a wonderful thing when it stepped into play.
Abby smiled as we got inside my apartment.
"You want me to make you a drink?" she offered. "I can stay for a while if you like."
"I think I just want to sleep if that's okay. It's been a pretty draining night one way or another."
"I totally understand," she smiled. She looked completely different without the Goth make up. I liked it but it did make her look like a regular girl and to be honest there was nothing ordinary about her, right down to her gravely voice. "I know you and McGee were on your first date but…"
"Oh, no, I get it," I interrupted eagerly, trying to predict her meaning. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise the two of you were involved. I'll back off, I promise," I smiled warmly.
I didn't want to back off, far from it. Tim was the only guy I'd ever met who didn't try to jump my bones on the first date. Chris was the only one who didn't respond to 'no'. Tim was gentlemanly, something I'd been attracted to from the first moment I met him. He was like a girl's best friend, lover and big brother all wrapped up in one handsome man.
"No," Abby stopped me with a huge grin. "I wasn't going to tell you to back off, Emily. I just wanted to say he is a really cute guy and I love him too but as a buddy. You don't get to meet guys like him these days but if you do and you hit it off, my advice is to hold him for keeps."
"You don't mind if we see each other again?" I asked, then I shrugged. "That is if he wants to see me after the stunt I pulled tonight."
"If you didn't see him again, I'd be knocking on your door asking why the hell not!" she giggled. "You two are a great pairing I can tell. You're both kinda geeky, in a soft insecure kind of way. I think you're a good match."
I laughed. It was the first really genuine laugh I'd had in a long time barring the jokes Tim and I shared earlier.
"I've been called a lot of things but never geeky or insecure though I suppose I am."
"Oh," she added quickly as if she thought she'd hurt my feelings. "I mean it in a really cute way. Some guys are just geeks and that's that, but McGee is a really, really cute geek. He's my favourite geek ever, he's like the Super-Geek or the Lord of the Geeks or…"
"I get it," I smiled.
"Cool," she grinned again. "I just wanted to tell you is all. I wasn't warning you off him. I love my friends and I always want the best for them and, just really for them to be happy."
"After tonight, Abby, I don't know that I made him happy."
"You know you might have a point there." She took my hand and sat me down on my sofa as though she was the one who lived there. "I've actually never seen him like that before. I think he likes you a lot. The kind of passion I saw in his eyes tonight is not the McGee we usually see. Oh, don't get me wrong, he is a passionate kind of guy," she laughed suddenly a little coy, "if you get my drift. But generally speaking, I've not seen him like that before. When he called me, he was really concerned."
"Go figure, if he hadn't stopped me I would have done it you know." I didn't want to talk about my attempted suicide as though I was making light of it but dwelling on it didn't seem the thing to do when Abby's attitude represented a different side of death to me. It didn't feel forbidden with her, it didn't feel embracing either, it just felt blank. Like it was there but it didn't need to be addressed. "What do you think he's going to do?"
"I think he's going to go to DiNozzo's apartment and talk to him. Maybe Chris said something to him."
"Now?" I croaked, "It's almost four am!"
"I know," she smiled, getting suddenly excited. "Isn't that just the cutest?"
"I guess. Tony won't be thrilled though."
She dismissed that idea. "Tony'll get over it." Then she waved her arms in the air as though she were fighting invisible villains with an invisible sword, "but McGee is out there trying to find the bastard who hurt his maiden, took her honour and forced perfect silver teardrops from her eyes!"
"Wow!" I said. "That was beautiful."
"Thanks. I read a lot."
"You think Tim thinks that way too?"
"I don't know. Sometimes he is too logical for romance but other times, yeah, I think he's pretty romantic."
"I wasn't a virgin before Chris, you know," I admitted gingerly. "You think Tim knows that?" Abby stared at me as though I'd delivered the most incredible news to her. "Did you think I was?"
"No, and I don't think Timmy even thinks that way. To him you are a beautiful young woman who he likes a lot. Whether or not you came to him in your purest form means little, to him you are a virgin."
I looked down, ashamed. "I wish I still was sometimes. I wish I'd saved myself for someone like him."
Abby smiled, taking my hand.
"We all do, sweetie."
It was getting late and I yawned.
"Do you want me to stay with you or would you like to be alone?" I didn't want to hurt her feelings so shrugged. She'd put herself out for me a lot tonight, showing her the door seemed rude. "Well, I guess I can sleep on your sofa. After tonight, it's probably best I don't leave you alone."
"I won't try anything if that's what you're worried about," I told her. "I don't even own a gun."
She smiled awkwardly. "I promised McGee I wouldn't leave you alone."
"Okay, I'll get you a blanket."
I settled Abby on the sofa and went to my bedroom. I would take a shower in the morning. I laid on my bed and tried to sleep but the sun was starting to peer over the horizon and I just couldn't. I wanted to know what Tim was doing and if things were going pear-shaped. I imagined him talking to Tony who then spoke to Chris and the three arguing or even fighting. Tony and Chris were physically powerful men, Tim wasn't built like that. I worried for his safety, then thought twice about it. He was a special agent, not many people would take advantage of him. He didn't get that job by being a coward. No, he had a strength about him. He was strong. I knew it, mentally and physically. His face was the last thing on my mind when I drifted away.
I woke up to Abby and Tim's voices in the den. It was light outside.
"She awake yet?" he asked.
"No, she slept right through."
"How was she after?"
"Fine, a little shaky but we had a good chat and she then went to bed. I guess the whole evening was a little tiring what with trying to commit suicide and all. Sorry," she apologised for making light of it. "So, what happened with Tony?"
"Well, he wasn't impressed at the interruption. He had company."
"Ouch!"
I could hear Abby grimace.
"Yeah," Tim went on. "I told him what had happened and he called Chris Harper."
"Wow, he took you seriously then? That's good."
"Well…I…ah…didn't really give him an option, Abby."
"You go, McGee!" she gave him a high-five from what I could hear, adding, "you rock! You marched in there and wouldn't give up until you found out what happened to your maiden. You are indeed the Master, Timothy McGee!"
"Abby?"
"Never mind, go on."
I stood at the door and Tim saw me.
"Emily." He looked shattered. He hadn't slept in hours and all because of me. I wanted to be truly thankful but I also wanted to know the outcome.
"So?" I asked, a little frightened at what I was going to hear. "What happened next?"
Tim shook his head. "Chris denied anything ever happened."
"What?" Abby and I asked in unison.
"I didn't make it up, Tim, I promise. He did everything I said he did," I could feel the rage and upset beginning to take over again. How dare Chris say it didn't happen, how dare he!
Tim came over and held me. "I believe you. It's just because it happened so long ago there is nothing we can do."
"I know," I sobbed. "I already told you this! I just want the whole thing to go away but I can't live with the knowledge that it happened and through my own stupid fault there's nothing anyone can do! This is why I wanted it all to end!"
Abby stroked my head while Tim held me.
"I wish there was something I could do for you," he said. "I wish I could make it all right."
I could hear the sincerity in his voice. He was genuine, of that I had no doubt.
"Maybe there is," Abby squinted as she spoke, conjuring something from her mind.
"What?" Tim asked curiously. We both looked up from our embrace.
"It's not pretty," she said. "Well, actually there are a number of things we can do but some of them aren't legal," she tipped her head to one side, dismissing them at Tim's expression. "But there is one that is very legal."
"And it is…?"
"Date him," she said almost innocently. "Date Chris Harper."
"What?" I asked. "What do you mean date him? I already did that and look what happened."
"I mean, dearest Emily, that I'll date him."
"I don't get you, Abby," Tim was squinting now. "What will that achieve?"
"I'll tell him I'm into all kinds of rough stuff, tell him it really turns me on. Maybe he'll tell me what happened that night."
She waited for our responses. I wasn't sure. It was a long shot. What was Chris going to do, just come right out with it? I didn't know.
"Abby, are you talking entrapment?" Tim asked.
"Not exactly, McGee. If I get him to tell me all kinds of things, it might limber him up to talking about what he's done with previous girlfriends, namely you."
"And you'll be wearing a wire?"
"Or we can bug my place. When we're getting down to the nitty-gritty, a wire might come loose," she point out logically.
Tim wasn't happy with that. "Nitty-gritty?" he said, eyebrows as high as they would go.
"Well, some guys can get really hot really quickly. I don't want to be in a situation where I'm worried the wire will be found."
"How nitty-gritty are you expecting to get with this guy?" he pressed.
Abby shrugged. "As down and dirty as he's willing to go."
"No," he said outright. "No way."
"McGee, are you worried about me? How cute!" she grinned, obviously excited about her plan. "But I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."
"I can take care of myself too," I told her. "But I just couldn't fight him off, Abby. He's strong, I mean really strong."
"I've kicked butts on guys bigger than him," she admitted.
"You've never met him."
"But I have one advantage over you, Emily."
"What's that?"
"I play nasty," she smiled evilly.